Not the pinks.
We all knew it was a possibility, but I don't think any of us really thought I'd come back from that ultrasound with anything but pink.
That little girl was so real to all of us. She had a name, and we were all falling in love with her. We can't help but think that she IS real. Will she get to come to us? We were surely so attached.
I went alone to the ultrasound. We had a big party planned for the announcement, but we didn't tell the kids when it would be. I left on a Monday evening with instructions to finish dinner and make a cake. It was quite a drive to get to the studio. I'm glad I was alone, because I needed that time to process my thoughts and feelings.
I tried really hard to prepare myself, but I was really shocked to hear that it was a boy. Just like that. A boy. I smiled and felt excited to see him moving around. But I also felt like, "how did HE get in there? Who is that? I don't know him." I left the studio and entered the mall, determined to find something blue to take home to surprise the kids with. I was excited, but also a little bit numb. I was not having an easy time of finding something I liked, either. Nothing I liked was in the right size. I finally found a few things and headed for home. I was pretty much in shock on the way home. I wasn't sad, was kind of excited, but mostly numb.
I was worried about the kids, though. I walked in with a big smile on my face to my family at the dinner table. I quickly set up the treasure hunt I had prepared before I left. It had lots of clues that made one think either boy or girl, so when they opened their pieces, each person thought they knew what it was until they heard what the other people had. The pieces went together to make a sort of puzzle riddle that led them to the gift box. By the time they brought up the gift box, I knew we might have some tears on our hands with the big reveal.
Nathan and Brandon saved the day. They got their blazers on and did a "Men In Blazers" impersonation. (They were some funny commentators on the World Cup that we enjoyed. They would predict games by eating "world cupcakes" before each match.) I whipped up the frosting for the cake and hid some blue coloring in it. Each of the big boys tasted the frosting and made a prediction. They were super fun and lighthearted about it, and I knew neither of them had their hearts set on a certain gender. We focused on that while the younger kids gathered around the gift box. After the countdown, the boys turned on the blender at the same moment the box was opened. The frosting turned blue... and so did the children.
Sarajoy withered into near tears when she saw the blue jammies. Daisy was disappointed but perked up because she's a good sport. Ruby didn't speak for a really long time. She and Dallin stayed in the kitchen being silent with their thoughts. I took the kids downstairs to show them the ultrasound video. That brought most spirits up, at least a bit. By bedtime, Sarajoy and Daisy were both on the excited side. None of the boys were super crushed about it, though they were all surprised. Sullivan still insists its a girl and won't give us any clues for a boy's name. Ruby and Dallin were still pretty silent.
Right about when I got the kids to bed, the numbness wore off and I started to feel the emotions of the whole experience and I broke down. I felt ashamed to care so much because I really don't! I am truly happy to welcome any little person into our family. I LOVE baby boys! I was irritated by the sense of loss I felt, but it was real. I was hoping that my little baby wasn't aware of our feelings of loss, and prayed that he would be protected from them. Because they weren't about HIM, they were about HER. I knew it would only be a short matter of time before I began to connect with him and bond with him and feel so excited! But I wasn't sure what to do with the overwhelming emotions and grief I felt. I took it to the Lord and cried it off and talked to Dallin and went to sleep, sure I'd be fine in the morning.
But I wasn't. I was still grieving, and I felt incredibly silly about the whole thing! I found myself wiping up a huge syrup mess and just sobbing, feeling completely helpless. Who could I possibly turn to for comfort in such a ridiculous situation? I prayed to know, and I thought of my midwife. Of course! She is the one to care for me right now. I was sure she would understand. I sent her a text, sharing my feelings, wondering if she had any advice so I could move on. She responded so lovingly that I already felt better. Next thing I knew, she showed up at my door! I was so happy for a hug and a quick conversation. I really just needed to voice my feelings and let them be real and understood and not judged. She understood. She did not judge. I am so thankful to have found her.
By that evening, I was excitedly searching through baby name books and websites, thrilled to have the fun job of thinking of this little boy's name. There are still little moments where I have to remind myself that it is a boy, but I feel excited. I am having fun thinking about him and getting to know him. I find it very interesting that I did not feel the baby move until after the ultrasound. It was as if I needed to know it was him before I could feel him. I immediately began feeling all kinds of movement once I knew it was a boy. And it is so fun!
Baby Boy, know that you are loved and wanted! We are so excited that we can hardly stand to wait another 20 weeks to have you in our arms! We are happy that you chose us, and happy that we chose to take this grand adventure of sacrifice once again because we know it will be worth it to know you! We hope you understand our moments of confusion and loss and feel our love for you grow as we get to know you and prepare to welcome you. We are anxious to know your name!
It has taken me a few weeks to be able to write this post because I was so surprised by my feelings. I want to protect him as well, but I think it was an important and deep experience for our whole family and needs to be recorded. I can record it now with a smile and a pat on my belly where a little boy is wiggling around, reminding me he is coming.
It certainly leaves some unanswerable questions about that little girl, but we need to let that be while we embrace the experience of adjusting to this little man we have opened our home, and yes, our hearts to.
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