How do I write this year?
How do I hold it in any longer?
Can I drag myself up onto a rock in order to pause for a moment, escape from the current has been pulling me forward for the last 10 months?
It has certainly been a breathless, breathtaking journey.
I spent May and June adjusting to my new experience. I worked at the birth center as much as I could, loving every minute of it. I interacted with five different groups of students, even being asked to help with some training. I invested my heart into pleasing them. I was constantly nervous of making mistakes. And I made some. One was at the end of a 3 birth marathon with little sleep or nourishment for over 24 hours. It was not a huge mistake, but crushing nonetheless. I stepped into the other room to let a few tears leak out, but discovered by a fellow student melted into a complete mess of tears and sobs. And then the midwife found us. She was so kind, but I'm sure rolling her eyes at my passion. Even then, nobody ever had any criticism of my work. I learned fast and worked hard and long and cheerfully. I loved the heck out of everyone.
It's hard for me to think about, let alone write. My heart was all the way in. And I guess it's not supposed to be that way with business. Somehow it doesn't make it easier knowing that something so devastating on my end was just another day of business for them. My passion scares them, I guess. I can't blame them. It scares me all the time.
It's hard for me to write about cause I don't want to paint it like I was the victim. I don't like to be in that space because it's not helpful and it's not fair. Their feelings and decisions are as valid as mine.
But I have to write it because for me, it was BIG.
I'm proud that I walked away with my head held high having spoken honestly about the problems I'd seen. I wanted to be a part of the solution. I offered to be.
I was haunted for months that I walked away with the accusation of emotional issues and doubts of whether I had what it takes to deal with the hard stuff of midwifery. "Not a good fit."
It was hard to hear that about a place where I felt like I was born to be. I thought I fit perfectly.
It was physically painful to get my books out and study. I was up many many nights with anxiety wondering if it could have been different. Repenting, trying to own my part and finding no way to fix it.
I didn't let it get me down. I moved on, going to births with other midwives, continuing my studies, enjoying the heck out of my kids.
But it was so frustrating that it hurt every single day. I'm terribly sad and confused by it to this day, though it is not the distracting painful kind of sadness it was for so long.
I'm being really honest and vulnerable about my passion here. I know it seems ridiculous that this was so hard on me. I had to live with that, too. That I was hurting and it was ridiculous.
But I know a big part of this journey is coming to terms with my passion and learning how to let it show. Learning how to use it and channel it to help people. So there it is: the ridiculous side. I have to be okay with it cause shaming it away doesn't work, and neither does putting walls up to protect myself.
Then I got pregnant.
I could write volumes on the saga of trying to decide if I'm done having kids. We had decided that everything was pointed in that direction. Time to move on. So when it happened it was this sweet amazing miracle that was helping me make sense of the birth center thing. It was hard news for other members of my family. Like devastatingly and understandably hard. How does a heart hold that kind of stuff?
I held it. And we went to Islsnd Park and watched the great American Eclipse, and had a wonderful time. And I geared up for another great homeschool year. And I fell asleep every night with a smile on my lips thinking about my little baby and how it felt like Christmas that I get to do this one more time with the new perspective of a midwife.
I was going to births with Roxanna all summer, and loving it so much! Loving the friendship and the difference of working at a birth without feeling so much pressure to be perfect. It was lovely learning. We spent a couple of days trying to get a client into labor that really needed to have her baby before she moved across the country. I spent a night on her bedroom floor listening to her story while she paced through contractions. I LOVE the connection in this work! How sad I was that my own contractions and bleeding and loss might mean I would miss her birth after spending all that time with her!
That was hard. Painful, messy, confusing. Feeling ashamed and humiliated as I sifted through gory contents trying to find anything to hold on to for just a moment. Something to validate my pregnancy, my love for that person, my pain.
That mama didn't know about my miscarriage until after her birth that I attended 2 weeks after our original attempt. How sweet and healing it was to be s part of her experience and hold her darling girl. In this work you get into people's lives and homes and hearts, and they get into yours. And they never leave. I don't want them to.
Then I got invited to be a part of opening a birth center with some of the loveliest people I know. That has been a beautiful journey. I started my own business to help fund the project. We started a business together and found a place to fix up. Our church started a 12 week course on starting a business that linked me with a wonderful network of support and information. I started getting paid for some of my work!
During this time of learning to love myself and others better, I started having a lot of questions about my own faith and my church. Some really hard situations came up that opened my understanding to the pain people go through when they question their faith. They are not bad. They didn't do something wrong or hang with the wrong crowd or stray. It is genuinely painful to have things in your heart clash with what you see going on in your church. I'm not going anywhere. God has made it clear I'm where I'm supposed to be. But I have a lot of respect and compassion and love for people who have the courage to reject false traditions and follow what they think is right. Even when that means they leave.
Dallin and I went on a cruise for a week to celebrate 20 years together and strengthen our family at a parenting conference held on board. It was wonderful.
Our Christmas was the most magical yet! We all worked so hard to sew and sell over 100 gift bags. We gave away 3 Christmas jars! Having all the kids home and together was so wonderful. The older kids were so invested in our family vision for the season that we started to really understand the power of 10! We had our first live tree in 15 years. A sweet miracle of our home teacher showing up with one just days after my heart began to long for one. It's still up because it actually grew!! I like to think it was because of all the love in the air! Another miracle was Nathan being able to go through the temple and submit his mission papers. What a sweet way to begin the day of our special family "giving day" celebration. We each got a chance to give gifts to each family member and speak and record words of love about each other. It was hard to let the season end.
And that made January a little rough at first. It always is. Even when I try really hard not to set resolutions, I still struggle. But I powered through and got some good homeschool momentum going. I had some great experiences with births I attended.
I even got called to a birth center birth where I think I proved I can handle tough situations.
I got invited to attend a conference on healing from secondary trauma as a healthcare provider. It was three exhausting days of awesome. That's how I ended the week of attending a traumatic birth. How beautifully life unfolds.
Two more births last week make 43 for me since last April. I started an apprenticeship, lost 40 lbs, became a doula, started 2 businesses, had a pregnancy, lost it along with 2/3 of my hair, got a puppy, had an incredible faith crisis/journey, went on my first cruise, took my first kid through the temple, met dozens of amazing people, learned and learned, loved and loved. The birth center, My birth center, will be open within the month. I'm scheduled to catch a baby for the first time in April.
One year ago, I could not have even imagined most of these things. But God prepared me, and he has led me along through all of the highs and lows. My resolution is and will always be to be His. All the other stuff is just fruits of that relationship. I surrender this New Year to Him. He knows how to do it better.
