Heights and Depths

It usually takes me about a year to read the Book of Mormon.  Mid-January I was getting close to the end again when I had a prompting to accept a challenge given by one of our Relief Society teachers.  She had testified several times of the meaningful experience it had been for her to take the challenge, and our bishop had recently encouraged us to redouble our commitment to the scriptures.  I love reading, and I can read fast, but I have struggled to enjoy reading the scriptures in the same way that I enjoy other books.  It is harder work, and it is easier for me to get distracted or fall asleep when reading scriptures.  I wanted to give the scriptures the kind of time and love I give to other books I love, so I took the challenge. 

It was to read the Book of Mormon 5 times in a row, quickly, highlighting a different thing in a different color each time.  The focus of looking for things to highlight definitely helped it seem more exciting.  I started on a Sunday and read 50 pages!  Way more than I have ever read in a day.  I usually read about 2 pages.  I was really excited to see how quickly I could read it.  I knew at that pace I could finish in 10 days, but I was not sure I could read 50 pages every day.  I chose to read as much as I could, and see how I did.  Round 1 was highlighting the many names and pronouns used to describe the Savior. 

The next day I did not feel well.  Seemed like maybe pregnancy hormones or something, I just felt off.  I made an appointment with the chiropractor for the next day.  When I woke the next morning still feeling blue, it felt heavy.  I was completely overwhelmed with my life and felt a crushing discouragement that I would never be able to make progress on the things I wanted to change in my life, that I would always be crippled and held back by my weaknesses.  After breakfast, I returned to bed and completely lost it.  I felt so much darkness and confusion and despair and that Satan was personally attacking me, hating me, and gleefully mocking me in my weakness.  I felt at a complete loss to withstand the darkness in my weak state.  I couldn't use any of the tools I have used in the past to rise above it.  I could only turn to the Savior and ask for His protection and to please help me be grateful for His love and for the experience.  How grateful I was in that moment for the stories of Joseph Smith and Alma the younger and their examples.  Though I thought I would cry forever, I was able to calm down a little.  The darkness did not leave immediately. 

I got up and cleaned up enough to head to the chiropractor.  My poor kids were left wondering what on earth was going on.  I didn't have a great explanation for them.  "I don't feel well, I'm going to the chiropractor" was all I could offer.  On the way there, with tears streaming down my face, I kept my mind on the Savior and tried to focus on gratitude.  I recognized that though the feelings had not left me, I did not feel afraid.  I felt His Spirit tell me that part of life here is to experience darkness, and that this depth of darkness was preparing me for a greater measure of light that He wanted to share with me.  I also felt that Satan was specifically not happy about my new Book of Mormon challenge. 

The tears continued through the appointment, and I was grateful to be in the care of a skilled physician as well as a kindred spirit.  He didn't act in the least bit alarmed by my experience and had comforting wisdom to share.  

Finally, on the way home, I felt some of the fog lift, and the tears stopped.  I was worried about the kids and what I would find when I got home.  They had gathered together and prayed for me as soon as I left.  I imagine that their prayers were beautifully timed with the sweet answers I received from the Spirit on my way.  They had quickly done their jobs and helped each other as well as cleaned the kitchen, put flowers on the table, and made me some sweet notes.  I was so completely exhausted by the experience and achy from the adjustment.  They were so understanding and sweet for the rest of the day and let me rest and process the experience. 

A tender mercy arrived that afternoon in a quick visit from my parents and sister on their way to Arizona for a funeral.  They were not here for long, but it was long enough to feel their love and concern and support. 

As I pondered the experience, I felt a strong impression to share what I had learned with my kids.  A few days later, I called them to my bed for our morning devotional.  We sat together and shared songs and scriptures and stories, and then I told them the story of what happened.  We talked about the opposition we must experience in this life in order to more fully understand joy and good things.  I told them that experiencing darkness is a necessary part of life, and that we can experience it in 2 ways.  We can choose to follow darkness, break the commandments, and turn away from God. There is always the option to eventually turn away from the darkness and come back to the light through the Savior's grace, but we will usually have negative consequences and regrets from our choices that they must deal with for many years.  Or we can choose to do our best to follow the commandments and live in the Spirit, and then when we experience darkness, we can walk through it with our hand in the Savior's.  It can be a sweet and sacred experience that prepares us for more of His light. .  I'm grateful to know that when we choose darkness, because of Jesus Christ, we can turn back to the light and be cleansed and strengthened by His Grace.   I am even more grateful to know that though we all have weaknesses and make mistakes, we never have to choose darkness.

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Sacred Moments

Recently my Mother-in Law asked us to share what we think it means to be holy and to share a time we felt close to the Savior.  We decided to use it as a family night activity.  Before we mail our responses off to her, I want to record some of them.

Ruby:
I felt the Holy Ghost really strongly this summer while I was at girls' camp.  It was the very last night which was the testimony meeting night and it was a very special experience for me.  I felt really peaceful.  I felt really happy.  I felt safe.  I felt loved.

Brandon:
Lately in seminary I have been learning about the plan of salvation and the three degrees or kingdoms of glory.  When you wanted to know our personal definitions of holiness, I thought about what I have been learning in seminary.  I thought of the requirements to get into the celestial kingdom.  My definition of holiness is living the standard of the celestial kingdom.  The standards that stood out to me are listed in Coctrine and Covenants 76:50-70

An experience I have had recently, has brought me closer to my Savior.  This experience occurred this morning after seminary.  During seminary we learned more about the celestial kingdom.  When I got home I did my personal study.  As I said my prayer, I reflected on all that I had learned and was overwhelmed with the Spirit.  I now know that I can become better and be clean because of what my Savior did for me. 

Sarajoy:

 

 

Daisy:

 

 

 

Nathan:

A time I felt the Spirit, or in other words a place I feel the Spirit is up on my week long scout camp that I have participated with for 5 years.  It's called Timberline.  It's not your usual merit badge scout camp.  Here we train boys for leadership and stuff like that.  On the Friday night that we are up there, all the staff and the participants go up into the woods, to a spot that overlooks the entire valley.  Here we all open special letters that our parents wrote us and have a private testimony meeting.  It is the place I have felt the Spirit the strongest and continue to feel each year that I attend.  I love it and I love the Spirit and the gospel.

 

Simon:

 

 

Dallin:

Last week I came home from work and Sulley was still napping on his bed.  I sat down next to him and watched his breathing, and I touched him along his back and put my fingers through his hair.  I was trying to gently wake him from his nap so he would go to bed on time.  As I sat nearby, touching his little body, I turned on his little stuffed seahorse that plays lullabies.  The peaceful music and quiet breathing reminded me of other experiences with my children that were splendid and happy.  Usually these experiences are precariously brief-it seems like if you make one wrong move, the good feelings will be gone.  I am learning to choose to recognize the splendid moments when they come and enjoy them while they last and accept them how they come.  These moments are holy to me--I feel peace, gentleness, love, and contentment.  They are momentary, and sometimes I recofnize that I felt the Holy Ghost after the moment passes, but I feel it again when I think of it again.  This is what happened with Sulley.  I remembered other experiences in the very moment I was feeling peaceful with Sulley and his seahorse.  The Spirit rested upon me and that moment was enough; it was simple and holy.

 

Sarah:

What does it mean to be holy?

To be clean, to be at peace, to feel unity with God, a thinness of the veil. 

 

The more years I live, the more I understand and experience the sacredness of motherhood.  The process of the creation of life becomes ever more spiritual and holy.  I am gaining a testimony of the truth that my relationship with Dallin is the closest thing to Godhood that I can experience in this life. 

The sacrifice and suffering I experience as I have carried and borne my children is sacred because it is symbolic of my Savior's suffering for me that I can be "born again".  And the veil is truly thin when those little ones first enter the world and begin life with our family. 

There are sacred moments as a mother when I remember or recognize the divinity in my children.  I know I could have these more often if I would remember to slow down and pay attention.  They are so delightful!

When I feel prompted to call someone or help someone and I act, I feel an incredible joyful unity with the Lord.

When I stop and take in the miracles and beauty that abound in nature, I am filled with awe and consumed by His love.

In darkness, weariness, pain, or anguish; when I am hurt or feel empty, I know I can turn to Him in gratitude  and He will fill me.

I guess the truth is, every moment of our lives is sacred.  It may take more courage, discipline, or diligence to appreciate each sacred moment, but as wee choose to make the effort, we will more fully experience holiness.