I've always enjoyed reading the amazing stories of babies coming into this world. I know some people think it is too much information.
If you are one of those people, feel free to skip this page. Otherwise, enjoy!
The Birth of Nathan
As recorded in my journal
Edited February 12, 2012
Wow! A lot can happen in 3 weeks! I wish I could remember the 2 weeks before the birth, but everything seems a blur. I can somewhat remember having a couple of hours of contractions one morning. I know that up to the day I was pretty swollen with water-retention, and I was feeling a lot of pelvic and back pain. my emotions were also haywire, and I would sometimes get a scared feeling like I didn’t know if I could do this motherhood thing.
Things are a little more clear starting Thursday the 4th. I spent most of the day with my mom getting stuff for the baby shower. I was having a pain in my back that limited what I could do. It was really irritating. When Dallin came home, we decided to watch a movie together, so we went to the video store and got “A Far Off Place”. Halfway through, Brady called, and wanted Dal to come play basketball. I went to Amy’s while they went to play.
At about 9:40 pm, I began having contractions 5 minutes apart. By the time Dallin got home at 11:00, they were 2 minutes apart. I was pretty skeptical because I had had a pelvic exam at my appointment that day, and that often causes false labor. We hung around for about an hour more and went home to pack up for the hospital. When we got there, they said I hadn’t dilated past 1cm. To make a long story short, I didn’t dilate until about 10 am. A long 12 hours of pre-labor. I remember spending a lot of time walking the halls, watching the night turn to day. I also got in a warm bath a couple of times to help ease the pain. I was just thankful they weren’t sending me home. They’d check me now and then and check in with my Dr. I found out later that they had been told to send me home, but they wouldn’t because they could tell I wanted to stay and they didn’t like my Dr. He told them at 9 that if I hadn’t started dilating in an hour they should send me to his office. I was so thankful that by my next exam I was 2-3cm.
Finally they gave me some medication that helped me sleep between contractions. By the time the Dr. arrived, I was at a 5 so he said go ahead with the epidural. It took them forever to get the anesthesiologist there, and when she finally came it took 5 tries to get it right. Before she finished, I began having pushing urges. I was sitting in a most uncomfortable, hunched over position while she stuck and stuck me with the needle. A couple of times she hit a nerve that curled my leg up in pain. I did not know the sensation of my body being risen off the bed was the urge to push until later.
She finally finished the procedure and I was able to lie down. I had another exam and was told I was at a 10 and could push. So much for the epidural kicking in. About 20 minutes later our little guy finally came out. It was so unbelievable. He is so amazing and special. He looks just like I thought he would. Lots of dark hair and a Millington face. He was 7lb 12oz and 21” long. He has big hands and big feet. He has a beautiful brownish complexion.
Because he came so fast, only Dallin witnessed the birth. Mom was down setting up for my baby shower. Nathan was born at 2:28, and the shower was at 3:00. It turned out good though, because Millingtons got to come see us in the hospital. After a few more visitors, we had a little break to rest. I was feeling really good that night. I felt like I had accomplished something great. My mom and sisters brought the baby shower gifts up to the hospital for me to open. It was fun, but I was feeling kinda shaky and tired.
The next morning, I woke up in a lot of pain. After a great massage, a hot bath, and 2 kinds of pain meds, the nurses figured I was leaking spinal fluid from the epidural. It is hard to explain, but it gave me a tremendous headache. They gave me a megadose of caffeine via IV to take the edge off the pain. I could have undergone another procedure called a blood patch where they insert blood into the epidural space. They told me it would either heal me instantly or make it much worse. I couldn’t face it being any worse.
We went home from the hospital having not yet decided if we would name him Logan or Nathan. We were married in Logan, so we liked that name. Nathan eventually ended up being the right fit.
It was pretty fun to come home with the little guy, but I was feeling horrible. I couldn’t do anything but lie on my back, or if I was lucky, sit in the chair. That is how I spent last week. The first few days weren’t too bad because the caffeine was doing a nice job. By mid-week I was miserable and depressed. I was drinking Dr. Pepper to take the edge off. For some reason eating was also soothing so I had a sandwich every time I got up to nurse. I nursed several times flat on my back because I couldn’t bear to get up. Finally on Friday morning, I decided to get another IV. It took my headache right away. The only problem is, now all of my regular post-partum pains are here, and I can’t move very well after spending a week in bed. The depression hung around too.
(June 16) I was so excited yesterday. I had a great day. I woke up with energy and Nathan had few problems. I finally felt like I could actually do this. Unfortunately, today has been the opposite. I’ve cried almost as much as Nathan, and that’s been almost constantly. Either I’m crying because he hurts and I can’t help him or I think of how much I love him and how I couldn’t stand it if anything ever happened to him. He latches on and as soon as he swallows, he screams in pain and it takes 1-1.5 hours to feed him. But that’s just today. Dad talked to me for a long time about suffering and its purposes. It was very good advice, but it didn’t stop my tears and just made me feel more guilty for crying so much. Finally, Dallin got home and helped me a little. The guy finally slept for a few hours. I got a little nap and felt a little better, but when it was time to feed him again, it started again. I just felt like I couldn’t handle it time after time. I started crying and Dallin helped me. I took Nathan for a stroller ride to calm him down. Brady and Dallin went to play basketball and Amy came out and found me. I finally got up the courage to let it all out to her. I found such peace just in knowing that she went through the same postpartum blues. Unemotional Amy! Suddenly I felt much better. We walked down the road and shared stories. I felt like my burden was lifted.
(June 17) My baby is sleeping peacefully, and he slept from 10-3:30 last night without a peep. Mom tended him for awhile and I got some sleep. He woke up at 8:00 and I fed him for a minute and he slept again peacefully for a couple of hours.
I’m so thankful that the Lord had mercy on me. That He sent me Amy and he helped little Nathan sleep. One thing about this experience is I’ve been on my knees a lot more lately. Both in thankful and humble, earnest asking prayers. The biggest difficulty is knowing whether I can ask God to take away his pains or whether I just have to ask for strength. I’ve done both. I feel both have been granted. I thank the lord for helping me through these two horrible, wonderful, amazing, depressing weeks. From pre-labor to labor to headaches to postpartum blues, He’s been with me all the way. I’ve never received so many blessings in so few days. Dallin, my father, and Dallin’s dad have all given me blessings. Family prayer has become a necessity. Something my told me that was a comfort: I’ve come a long way and I’ve suffered things that many never will. I’ll tell you for sure that this is the biggest heartache I’ve ever suffered. It just feelis illegitimate because it’s just my hormones going bonkers!
My little son is beautiful—even though this soft hair is turned greasy and his beautiful complexion is full of baby acne, I love him and there’s nothing that compares to his little grins and facial expressions. I just want to kiss his little lips all day. Dallin kisses his face and feet and makes him smell like aftershave. We’re all learning a lot. I’m just glad that so far today I’m having a calmer feeling about myself. I’m still on the verge of crying for gratitude, though. I also wonder if life will ever feel normal or routine again. And I wonder if I will be able to handle choir and voice lessons. We’ll see. That’s a summer away. So far we haven’t had much of a warm weather summer. My little man doesn’t have any little warm clothes. Life is hard and confusing but good. I’m glad to be experiencing the one thing I’ve always dreamed of: motherhood. I’ll be doing this into the eternities, and I know it will be full of pains and sorrows then too, but hopefully not spinal headaches and postpartum blues.
The Birth of Brandon
Recorded in my Journal
Edited February 12, 2012
Well, both of my babies are asleep, and I did it by myself! It is a miracle. I hope I don’t regret spending this precious time writing instead of sleeping. Hopefully I’ll get a little nap later when Mom comes home from work. I have really been looking forward to writing about the birth of Brandon J. I write with mixed emotions—glad to have him here and to not be pregnant, but there’s always a sadness that the experience is suddenly over. It takes so long to prepare and there’s so much anticipation and then it’s over. Sort of like Christmas, only it doesn’t even come every year (thank goodness)
So here’s my story: Dr. Covlin stripped my membranes Monday morning. We were all expecting something to happen, but nothing did. On Tuesday, I had a few small contractions, but still nothing. I was very depressed, and couldn’t stand to be home. I felt like Spring Break was wasting away. I was excited to find a message from Dr. Covlin on our machine that night. (We had gone out to get a movie). I called him back and told him I’d been contracting for about 40 minutes. He said he was going to make wait until Thursday, but since I was contracting he told me to come in Wed. morning. I was SO relieved! We watched our movie and went to bed. My contractions stopped.
We had a good night’s sleep and went to the hospital at 7:30am. Mom came to watch Nathan at our house. Dad and Dallin gave me a really beautiful blessing before we left. I was very thankful for the words of comfort when I really needed them. I got all dressed and into bed. I had been contracting ever since I woke up, though not strongly. At about 8:30, Dr. Covlin came and broke my water. After a couple of hours, the contractions still weren’t progressing so they gave me some pitocin. It didn’t take much (thankfully) for the contractions to start coming. Dallin read The Rocket Boys (October Sky) to me until I needed to focus more on getting through contractions. At 12:30, Dr. Covlin checked me. I was at a 4, but 95% effaced. By then I was breathing through the contractions. Dallin and I started breathing together and whistling.
Though I really hadn’t wanted any medication, I finally asked for some Nubane. I was so relieved and glad that I asked for it. Though it didn’t diminish the intensity of the contractions, it gave me some relaxation between them. It also gave me a little “high” so I felt happy. I was excited about what I was doing. I have no idea how the time went after that, but it seemed the contractions were progressing very rapidly. Each one was markedly stronger than the previous. I could feel the baby’s head trying to push through. I think it was 2: 00 when we called my mom to come up. I was at a 7, and having very intense contractions. At their peak, I was completely out of control. I felt my body bearing down despite them telling me not. I was also groaning deeply. I’m already forgetting the feeling, but I dreaded each coming contraction and wondered why I was doing this without an epidural. I couldn’t stand the pain, but I had to. Though I’m not a swearing person, I kept thinking, “to hell with natural childbirth!” I kept asking if there was anything to help me down there. There was so much pressure that it made contractions seem like nothing to the searing pain below. Dr. Covlin came and checked me. Still at almost an 8, but the baby was trying to push his head through. Dr. Covlin let me bear down a little as he tried to ease the cervix over the baby’s head. It seemed like forever, but it was only 2 or 3 contractions before they told me I could push. I was so relieved—until the first push. The pain was indescribable! I did not want to do it again. How could I push against myself and make it hurt even worse? I had to talk myself into it. I decided that if it was going to hurt this bad, I was going to get it over with as quickly as possible. It was scary. I could feel my skin burning and stretching. After about 3-4 contractions, Dr. Covlin numbed me and made the incision. I was surprised how much it still hurt after the head was delivered. Then the relief came. There’s just no way to describe it, but it got even better when the Dr. turned it over to us. Dallin and I grabbed a hold of our little boy and pulled him up onto my lap. I think I can safely say that was the happiest moment of my life! He was huge and bluish, not yet crying, and covered with waxy vernix. But he was so beautiful, and such a miracle! They let me hold him and talk to him a little before they took him over to the warmer. I couldn’t believe I did it! It took Dr. Covlin a long time to stitch me up. I was very annoyed at having to feel pain down there again. I was acting a little bold, telling him to stop hurting me, etc. My head wasn’t quite on straight. It was kind of funny. I just felt like I’d really done something great and I was DONE with pain!
So our little guy was born at 2:58 pm. Dr. Covlin had guessed that the baby would be about 7lbs 14oz. He was way off! Everybody laughed when the nurse read 9lbs 3 oz!! he was 21” long. 14” head. My big boy! I nursed him a little, and then they moved us to a recovery room. I forgot to say that we had a really great nurse named Pat Proctor. I couldn’t believe how good I felt after the delivery. I walked to my recovery room. I wasn’t really even tired. We made phone calls, etc. I enjoyed my puffy-eyed little baby. Nathan came. He was afraid to come to me. Probably the IV and the bed. We stayed a full 48 hours. It was nice. I felt really good. The baby nursed well and seemed very peaceful.
We were not settled on a name for this boy. We called him Spencer Lloyd for a day, but it didn't seem quite right. I remember my sister Melissa suggesting Brandon, and we thought he looked like a Brandon. We thought we might call him BJ, but that hasn't happened yet (He's 12 now)
Our last night was a little rough. Every time I took him to the nursery, he’d start crying. Then I started crying. I was so tired and worried about going home, yet I missed my little Nathan and worried about what all of this would do to him. After a good cry, Baby and I fell asleep. I was surprised and a little sad at how few visitors I’d had. Bishop Griffiths and Janice came Wed. night. Nobody came all day on Thursday. In the afternoon Anna came and Lisa and I called Kassie and she came up. Julie and Anna came Friday morning.
I didn’t want to leave the hospital. I even liked the food. I only wanted to leave so I could be with Nathan. WE went home long enough to get things to come out to Mom’s. Id’ really hoped she could come to our house, but she’s pretty busy getting ready for Chris’ farewell. That’s made it hard for me to ask for her help. I know how much she needs to get done. Though so far, I haven’t had much depression, my mood swings like crazy. One moment I’ll be so happy to have my 2 boys and to be a mom. The next I’ll be wondering if I’ll ever feel good enough to care for them. I really want to go home, but I can’t really walk a lot or carry things without a lot of pain. I was cramping really bad for a few days, but they seem to have mellowed out.
Nights are almost unbearable. I shouldn’t complain much because so far Brandon hasn’t really cried, but I get to where I’m so tired I can’t move and he’ll need a diaper change or something. Sometimes it takes him forever to burp, so he’ll just sit there wide awake for like ½ hour. He’s a sweetheart, though, and I’m always glad when morning comes. It’s so much easier in daylight! I think I might have gotten like 4 hours of sleep in a row last night! That even beats pregnancy! I’m thankful, but very weak and humbled.
Dallin has been very stressed out. He doesn’t talk about it much, but I can tell by how much he sleeps and how tired he still is. He’s back to school today, and I know it’s very hard on him. He has no motivation. Until I’m well enough to go home, I’ll only be seeing him at dinner this week. Nathan and I cried together last night when he went home without us. Nathan too is suffering a lot. I think a lot of it is not being home, but also the many changes. I know he must be very confused. He acts out a lot and has no patience. He can’t stand to be told “no” or “don’t”. He loves his baby, though. So far he hasn’t directed his frustration toward Brandon. Until I’m feeling well enough to do this on my own, I think things will be tough. Mom’s at work today, so I’m kind of on my own. Chris is here but he’s been asleep. That’s why it’s such a miracle that the boys are asleep. I’ve spent too much time here.
I just forgot to write about naming the baby. It was so hard to finally decide. Spencer Lloyd was what we decided, but every time we tried to call him that, It didn’t fit. so it became Brandon and maybe BJ for short. I’m sold on Brandon, but it is still growing on Dallin.
The Birth of Ruby
Recorded in my journal
Edited March 7, 2012
We welcomed Ruby into the world and into our family at 4:16am. I am taking the opportunity while stil in the hospital to write some thoughts about the beautiful experience of her birth. Hopefully I will be able to add more later, but I thought i should take advantage of some peaceful moments before I go home to the noise of life.
I woke up on Saturday morning with a feeling that the birth was close. i felt a lot of pressure and had a few contractions throughout the day. I especially felt pressure in my lower back, and I wondered if she might be posterior. Around noon, I had some pink show. I almost started crying because I really knew then that she was coming. it was very exciting and emotional. At around 6pm, we went shopping, and my contractions started coming more regularly, some as close as 8 min apart. These contractions were felt mostly in my back.
I wanted to let Dallin put the boys to bed that night, as I was feeling so much and I was tired, but I felt that it might be my last chance to be with just them. We had a fun time reading stories. I tried to be especially attentive to them. Brandon seemed aware of what was going on. He was really smiley and attention hungry. He wanted to be sure that he's still my sunshine!
I did a little sewing and we watched a movie. Things pretty much stopped for a couple of hours. I was thinking maybe they would stop for the night so I could rest. Well, we didn't make it through our movie! At around 11:00pm, I started contracting again. By 11:45 they were 5 min apart, and by 12 they were 2-3 min apart. These contractions were not in my back, so maybe she turned during the earlier contractions. I called my parents who were in Palmyra for the pageant and they started back to Kingston, about 4 hours away. I called Ruth Johnson who came to stay with the boys. She arrived just after I talked to my midwife. We left for the hospital, arriving at about 1:30am. By that time the contractions were strong enought that I had to lean on Dallin for support. I could tell the nurses didn't think I was very far along, but I knew I was at a 3 when I arrived and was found to be at a 4 when the midwife arrived. I had to be at a 5 to get in the tub, and I was ready for some relief!
They had to give me antibiotics through IV for Strep B. It was very awful to have them stick me with that and put me on my back. Luckily the bag was small and emptied quickly. Wehn i wasn't being checked or monitored, i found it most comfortable to be on the bed on my knees with my upper body slumped over pillows. It was almost unbearable to be on my feet or on the toilet. The slumped position was easy to relax between and i knew it was a good position to help the baby come down.
During contractions, I would tell myself that I needed to feel the pain, that my body was doing what it needed to do to bring my baby down. I tried visualizing my cervix opening and letting the baby through. I felt really good about how I was handling the pain. It was a much difffernt experience than the more tense lamaze-type breathing I did with the boys. I was very thankful for all the reading I did and for the excellent childbirth prep classes I went to . It made it a more special experience for me to get that help from within and from above rather thatn from medicine. I was very thankful that Dallin gave me a blessing before we left, and thatnkful for the blessing he left on our boys at home.
Dallin was an excellent labor companion. he was very in tune to my needs. He seemed to know where and when and how gently to touch. he was very responsive to any request I made. I think he was also thankful for the things I learned and shared with him from my reading. At one point, he started gently stroking my legs downward. It was amazing how this washed the pain out of the ends of my contractions. He would hold my tummy and support it. Having him there and knowing that he wanted to be there was very important to me.
I was also thankful for Suzanne's presence, here gentle suggestions, quiet voice, and willingness to let me labor. All of these things worked well because soon I was at a 6! It was exhilarating to know I was more than halfway there and that relief was around the corner. I sort of melted into the tub. It was wonderful! so much tension and pressure was removed. i could still feel the contractions, but it was so much more bearable. It took awhile to find a position that worked. Once again, I found myself on my knees, hunched over a ledge with a towel under my head. I think it was about 3am. Suzanne kept asking me if I felt the urge to push or any pressure on my perineum. I never felt it, but she seemed to know by the moaning and sometimes gagging I was doing through contractions that I was ready to push. I had begun pushing a little through contractions, but I was worried that i shouldn't since I wasn't feeling the "urge". It felt so much better to push, though, that I kept doing it. Eventually, she checked me, and I was complete! I was wondering why I still felt no urge, but I just kept pushing. Because I wanted to catch the baby, I sat back in the tub to push her out. Looking back, i think it was too restraining and I think I would have done much better with a little more freedom of movement. The tub was shaped like a chair with a place to put hands and feet. Pushing was very painful and hard. I had expected the waterbirth to be a more gentle experience. I was very exhausted and did not want to push.
As recorded on Mothering.commune discussion forums:
Can you believe my little girl came on her due date? She was right on time! It was so awesome to just go into labor and know it was coming. I sort of knew when I woke up Sat. morning that she would be coming soon. I felt a lot of pressure and some braxton hicks contractions all day. Every once in awhile, I'd get a real strong contraction in my back. Nothing was regular until about 6pm. I had several between 8-13mins apart. We were out shopping, and when we came home, they stopped. We got the kids to bed and started watching a movie. I thought maybe I'd get to sleep and things would start up in the morning, but at 11pm, I had my first "real" contraction. By 11:40 they were 5mins apart and by 12 they were 2 mins apart. I called my parents who were at Pageant 4 hours away. I got to the hospital at about 1:30 and I was at a 3. A little while later, my midwife came and I was at a 4 and completely effaced. I don't think the nurses really believed I was in labor. One told me afterwords that when I told her my pain was at a 7 (between 1-10), she felt sorry for me because she thought I had a long way to go! I had to get antibiotics through IV for Strep B. That was probably the worst part of the early part. I spent the rest of my time on my knees, hunched over a pile of pillows. I was very grateful for all of the natural childbirth reading I had done, as a lot of the things I read came in handy. My dh was awesome and very intuitavely touched or stroked me. I had to be at a 5 to get in the tub, so I made that my goal. At about 3am, I got in the tub. I was at a 6! I was so excited to be more than halfway there. The tub was awesome! I got in and just smiled! My midwife kept asking me if I was feeling the urge to push. I wasn't, but I was moaning a lot, so she got her gloves on. I started pushing through contractions because it felt good, but not because I had the urge. It was weird. Pushing her out was very hard and I screamed a lot. I wasn't prepared for that part. I know now that I would do things a little differently and more gently, but I had never pushed a baby out in water before! I found out that I hadn't had the urge to push because my water didn't break until the push before she was born. It was so awesome! I pulled her up and held her and made sure she was a girl . It was 4:16 am. Then we had a few moments together. She has lots of long, dark hair and is a chubby 8lb, 9oz, 20" beauty. After that, things pretty much went downhill. I had to get a few stitches and they had to take blood from the baby for Strep B. She was screaming and it was taking them forever to get enough. I just wanted to nurse her, but when I finally got to, I started having immense contractions again. I couldn't handle it. I was sooo tired! I tried to get up to empty my bladder because I thought it would relieve the contractions. The nurse came in just in time to catch me as I passed out. They got me in bed and started rubbing my tummy and I passed two huge blood clots, one the size of the placenta. I nursed for awhile and they took the baby to the nursery so I could rest. It has taken me this whole week to get my strength back from losing all that blood. Luckily, my parents are here and my boys have been having a great time. We actually had an awesome babymoon as my dh stayed with me the whole time in the hospital and had 3 days off work. Ruby is such an angel! I want to hold her all day. She is very peaceful and has turned my thoughts to more spiritual things. She makes me want to be the best mom. I feel more patient and gentle because of her. We'll see how things go when my mom leaves, but for now, its awesome. My 4yr old is talking baby talk, but loves to be with the baby, and is otherwise very obedient and loving. My2 yr old is testing every rule and making us wish we had more! He mostly takes everything out on me. He's great for my parents or dh. I'm trying hard to help him, but he usually rejects my efforts. We have had a few pleasant moments together! I know its all normal so I'm trying to have a sense of humor about it
What about Ruby's name? It is not a common name these days. I thought I'd name her Eleanor and call her Ellie. We taught the boys to say that as well. One day, we asked Nathan what we were going to name the baby and he said "Ruby". We were both shocked and had no idea where it had came from. My first impression was, "Grandma name." Then I started thinking how nice Eleanor Ruby sounded. But I soon felt that Ruby was too good a name to have for a middle name. Dallin agreed. After we had decided on her name, we discovered that the birthstone for July is a ruby! Nathan told us later that he heard the name on a video he had watched at my parent's house.
We love, love, love Ruby's name. It has made it difficult for us to name our other girls cause you just can't beat it!
Daisy’s beautiful Homebirth
Simon's Story
With a one week old darling little bundle, I am alone in the house. Mom has gone home for a meeting and Dallin has taken the children to church. It is so bittersweet to look back on the past, well, 4 years, really, that we've awaited the arrival of Simon. But now, in a quiet, empty house where I am free to shed tears and smile and re-live, it is time to tell Simon's story.
When Ruby turned 1, I knew it was time to start thinking about baby #4. I didn't really want to. I had enjoyed little Ruby so fully that I did not want her babyhood to end. I also knew that I didn't want the siblings spaced too far apart, so I felt a bit of conflict. Simon ended the conflict. One morning, I came out of my room to find Dallin reading scriptures on the couch. He said, "I found the perfect name for our next son: Simon". I knew he was right, and I suddenly became very excited for our next baby. It wasn't just a feeling of "what a great name", It was knowing that we would have a son named Simon.
Weeks later, as we looked into options of childbirth providers and insurance, etc, I stumbled upon the phone numbers of some homebirth midwives. I felt like I was stepping out on a huge limb when I called them. I had a million questions, and I was worried about what Dallin and other friends and family would think. That night, I lay reading "A Midwife's Tale" and sharing some of the amazing story with Dallin. He said, "In that case, why don't we have our babies at home?" I couldn't believe it! I told him all about the phone calls made and soon we were both excited about having our next baby at home. I may have just imagined it in all the excitement, but I could have sworn I felt the presence of Simon in the room that night. (Now I wonder if being born at home really was important for him.)
About a year later, weren't we surprised and delighted to welcome little Daisy into our lives through a beautiful home birth experience. And so we knew that we would have to wait a little longer for our little Simon. We had talked about having a baby in late summer a couple of years later, but things didn't work out that way as Daisy was still nursing. When I finally weaned her in September, I expected to get pregnant right away. We waited through October, November, and December. (how I had hoped to put a positive test in Dallin's stocking!)
Finally, in the beginning of February, we got the good news! I think Dallin and I were both thinking this would be Simon, though I was having a hard time going back to boy mode after having so much fun with my little girls. I thought maybe I'd like another girl before having a boy again. Then, the beginning of my pregnancy was so much more difficult than my others had been that I wondered if I was having twins. The ultrasound showed just one little baby and I found myself quite delighted that it was a little boy. Dallin was even more excited that at last little Simon was on his way.
Though aches and pains of pregnancy started much sooner than others, I truly enjoyed being pregnant and knowing it was a boy. I made and collected quite a fun little layette. I deep cleaned most of the house. I reveled in each little contraction and each bumpy little kick. Simon was not a very active baby, and never did let his siblings feel him kick. I had a few sleepless nights, but other than that I was never really miserable.
I was hoping he'd come early as the other boys had, but that day came and went, as did many others. My misery was in having to wait and never knowing when it would happen. I knew that I possibly had weeks ahead of me, so I decided to make the best of it. I rested a lot and knitted and watched all of my favorite movies. I tried all of the natural induction techniques and begged and pleaded for t his little guy to come out! I was having a lot of fears about losing this baby, and well-meaning friends were not helping by telling me "my friend's baby died" stories. I made it to the appointment before my due date. I was excited because I'd had contractions all day the day before. I was hoping to have her check me and maybe strip my membranes to get things going. Instead, we got the news that the baby had flipped transverse. I was so disappointed! Now I couldn't even hope for labor to start and I was facing the possibility of a C-section.
That day my friends helped me with some cleaning and threw me a little baby shower. It was so nice of them, but a lot to deal with in 1 day. Two days later, we had an ultrasound to possibly help the baby turn. We found that he was back to a head-down position. That was great news! Now I could hope for any day!
I woke up on my due date feeling very heavy and like I might be leaking fluid. I had a few good contractions and went for a walk. I followed the sound of a chorus of migrating birds and found them in the trees at the cemetery. It was a lovely walk on a lovely autumn day, but my contractions all but stopped. I survived going to church "overdue" and spent the next week pampering myself and pretty much resting. I couldn't do much more as I was pretty encumbered by the pregnancy. I'd been measuring 44cm since 38 weeks, so I was pretty huge! My appointment with Cathy that week was pretty encouraging since she told me the baby's head was down and I was beginning to dilate. She even swept my membranes. This boosted my morale a great deal as waiting for this baby had become pretty anti-climactic for the whole family. On top of that, the fridge and washer both broke the week before I was due--fun!
Saturday the 20th, at 1am I woke up to a nice, strong contraction. I got up for awhile but things weren't regular so I went back to sleep. between 9-10am I had contractions every 7 minutes so I called my mom and she got on her way. By the time she got to Kim's, the contractions had spaced out to one or two an hour, so I told her to stay there and help Kim. I called her at 4pm to tell her things were picking up again and I had finally lost my mucous plug. She said she was almost to my house. We spent a nice evening together sorting through some of Kim's hand-me-downs. No real action as far as labor goes. I went to bed about 11pm, knowing it would be soon, but wondering why I was having all of this pre-labor stuff. This was very unusual for me. I had taken blue and black cohosh throughout the day, but it hadn't really done anything.
At about 12:45am, I woke up to a "real" contraction. When I had another one a few minutes later, I was pretty sure this was "it"! I waited about 45 minutes to call Suzanne, but by then they were getting hard to speak through and I looked out to see the roads covered with snow. I had Dallin wake up and begin filling the birth pool. It was looking very inviting by the time Suzanne arrived around 2am. She said the roads were OK, but Cathy was 20-30 mins behind her and had to get off the freeway and take back roads. I was at a 5 when Suzanne arrived and got in the pool. It was nice, but I kept having to get out and go to the bathroom, which was very uncomfortable. I began to hate the sight of the toilet. I was having trouble relaxing through contractions as I had been able to with Daisy. I was having incredible pains in my lower abdomen, and I couldn't find a manageable position. Around 4:30am I was at an 8, so I had Dallin call Valerie and April. At this point I was losing patience with myself. I couldn't figure out why things were hurting so bad and why I was having such a hard time working with my body. I'd say things like, "why is this so different?" "I feel stupid", "How did I do this last time?" "I can't find the courage" I got into the bed and started moaning and grunting through contractions. I was feeling pretty trapped and out of control. I knew I wasn't at a 10, but I was giving little pushes just to relieve pressure. I was utterly disappointed in myself. Suzanne checked me and said I was still about an 8. I got back in the pool and tried squatting on a stool--I tried everything I could think of! I was begging for someone to help me, dreaming of syringes of drugs coming to save me from the horror. I contemplated giving up and going to the hospital for some pain relief, only to realize I was probably beyond their help, the trip there would be horrible, and who knows what they'd do to the baby. It was very scary to be stuck in that pain, feeling betrayed by myself and my body. Why couldn't I do it this time? It was so lovely with Daisy!
Suzanne offered to break my water--anything to change this! I sat on the birth stool and leaned back on Dallin. The change in position and counter pressure from her fingers on my cervix felt relieving for a few contractions. I leaned back, I leaned forward, I got on the floor, I stood up, I tried anything and everything. I was surprised that when she broke my water I didn't feel any pressure release. I got back on my bed and Suzanne suggested rest. Everyone but Dallin left the room. Rest sounded so nice! I begged Dallin for a blessing that I'd be able to rest. Within seconds, the urge to push came barreling over me. There was no breathing or moaning through this! I was screaming, mad, angry that I wasn't resting, angry that I couldn't work with my body, shouting that I wasn't ready!
After a few good screams, everyone came back into the room. I said, "I can yell if I want!" Dallin said he didn't know whether to laugh or cry so he did a little of both. Even though I had dreamed of squatting and easing this baby into my arms, I knew I was at a point where the only way out was through. I tried a couple of times to surrender and moan and let my body do the work, but it didn't work. It felt counter-productive and like it was keeping him in. I don't know how I got through the next horrible contractions. I was up on my knees with my face in my pillow, just pushing as hard and as long as I could. I forced myself to push until I felt him moving, and then my courage came and I pushed harder and longer until I thought I might just pass out. But I could feel him coming, and that meant the pain would stop and I could put this horrible nightmare behind me. His head came out. "Oh, thank goodness! Get the boys!" And then his body--relief, finally.
"My turn," I said as lifted my leg to see my big, beautiful baby, my long awaited Simon! I picked him up and held him and tried to help him with his mucous. "Sarah, you pushed that baby out completely posterior, you are amazing!" I wished I could have felt pride at the statement, but I was still filled with horror about what I had suffered. "I shouldn't have suffered so much," I thought. I was convinced I could never have another baby because I just couldn't go through that ever again.
Time and space have changed my perspective and I now do feel proud that I did it. I pushed out that 10lb boy posterior in only 18 minutes! I now have enough hindsight to see that it could have been a lot worse, and probably would have been in a hospital. And, can you believe it? No stitches! I didn't even hope for that after my past experiences. I went on an incredible journey to get my Simon here. I am completely and utterly in love . It is still hard to think aobut his birth, but I know it was the way things were supposed to be.
And then I got my rest! I nursed him a little, but he wasn't very interested and I took a nice long nap with Dallin. I held him and talked to a few people. Linda came and gave me a lovely massage. We all slept peacefully that night. I had a candid conversation with Suzanne about the birth and was surprised to hear her perceptions of things. When I thought I was going crazy, she thought I was doing very well. I realized so much of what I was experiencing was my experience alone. She was very surprised to hear how traumatic it was for me. I was very thankful for that conversation and how it helped me process things.
I am truly enjoying this beautiful little boy. I have enjoyed this babymoon more than any other. It was hard to wait and suffer so much for little Simon, but I can honestly say that I am glad for the experience and so very glad that he is finally in my arms.
How Simon's Birth Changed Me
My fifth birth was not so lovely as #'s 3 and 4. I once again planned a homebirth, expecting
that I knew my body pretty well by now.
From the beginning of the pregnancy, things just weren't the same. I struggled with worse morning sickness than
ever and lots of emotional problems with friends including having to fire a
midwife. By the time I found out I was
having a boy, I was really ready for that good news. Things really looked up after that. I got with my old midwives who attended
Daisy's birth, and felt right at home.
Being 8 days late was a nightmare, and I was SO glad to feel those good
strong contractions begin at about 1am.
Even then, things felt different. My contractions were not as strong or
as close together as with my previous births.
I felt much more out of control and in pain. I was coping with it in a relatively calm
manner, so I don't think I ever alarmed the midwives or anyone present. I had my mom, husband, and two friends
attending to take pictures and help with kids.
I was very frustrated that I couldn't seem to get on top of the
contractions. It seemed that the more I
gave in, the more my body fought back.
This was the opposite of what I was used to. I felt like a total failure and longed to
have some pain medication, but I knew that the trip to the hospital would be
traumatic and they'd probably tell my I was too far along (8cm). I also couldn't stand the thought of them
taking over with the baby after he was born so I hung in there. At one point my midwife asked everyone to
leave the room. My husband gave me a
blessing and we both prayed that I would be able to rest a little. I was SO exhausted. Within a few minutes, I was having extreme
contractions and the urge to push. Not
exactly the rest I was expecting, but it wasn't far away! I was pushing so so hard and I'm sure
screaming cause the midwives came running back into the room. Let me tell you it took every ounce of my
strength and will to get that boy out! I
was on my hands and knees on my bed. Out
came my baby boy with a big surprise for everyone: He was born completely
posterior. I hadn't had the classic
signs of posterior labor so everyone was surprised. I was a little relieved that there might be a
good reason for the birth being so much more difficult than I expected. Then we weighed the little guy, and he was
9lb, 15oz!!! The miracle of all was that
for my first time ever, I didn't tear! I
was so glad that I'd stayed at home because as soon as he was born I was so
glad to have him in my arms and have my children all come in to meet him. It is so special to be with your own family
in your own bed. It has taken a lot of time to process this experience. It has been really traumatic for me. It sort of blew all of my "for
sures" out of the window and put me in a place of humility that I had not
experienced before. It has taken some
healing for me to feel empowered by this birth.
My midwife was so proud and told me, "girl, you can do anything if
you can push out a 10 pounder posterior". When she said that I wanted to vomit. I was so disgusted at what I had been through
that I felt no pride in it. Time has
helped that, and now I do feel a level of confidence and I am proud of the
things I have learned from that experience.
My opinions and beliefs about birth have been everywhere you
can imagine! With my first baby, I was
all about the hospital, the drugs, any intervention to make my life
easier. When the interventions left me
flat on my back for a week of miserable pain, my views began to change. I think for awhile I was on the extreme other
end, but I have experienced things now to give me a moderate view. What I really hope is that women will have
the courage to educate themselves about their amazing bodies and the powerful,
beautiful, empowering experience birth is.
Then I hope they will prayerfully make choices that will lead them to an
experience that gives them the right of passage into motherhood that they
deserve: One of peace, joy, empowerment, and no shame. I believe this can happen in many different
settings and in many different ways.
I think anytime we experience something that is so hard that
we wish the cup would pass from us but we surrender our will to the Father's
(sometimes out of pure desperation, even), we are priveleged to have a taste of
what our Savior did for us. We become
changed beings with a greater capacity to feel, to love, to accept and to
serve. We achieve a depth that is possible
no other way.
To me, this is the beauty of experiencing childbirth without
intervention. I want to be there, to
know, to feel, to wish it away, and to overcome.
Joy's Story
She came 9 days late and was born at 8:15am
I got up Sunday morning and got ready for church. I decided I was going to look good and put on
a happy face since I knew I'd be attracting a lot of attention. I actually had Dallin take some pictures of
me since I realized this is it! I will
most likely never be pregnant again! I
made it through the full 3 hours of church for the first time in several weeks,
though I spent 2 of that in the nursery with Simon. He's still not happy about being left in
there. Nobody said anything too
annoying, so I was still feeling really good when I got home. I came home and ate and took a nap. When I woke up and realized how few hours had
passed, I began to feel a little down. I
made dinner and worked on scrapbooks a little.
We ate and got the kids to bed and I tried to sleep but couldn't. I was just bored out of my mind and
frustrated with the prospect of another week of counting hours. When Dallin joined me, I started telling him
some of my frustrations. I felt like I
was at a point where I was having to choose between two really bad
choices: Either I keep waiting and
facing the possibility of something going wrong, or I go to the hospital and
get induced. Dallin suggested that he
hadn’t given me a blessing yet. I had
just had the same thought moments before, but had pushed it aside. I knew that God knew what I wanted. I had asked for it weeks ago, and I was
struggling very hard to have faith in His timing. I just didn’t know if I could deal with the
disappointment of getting a blessing that wasn’t fulfilled the way I
wanted.
Dallin
and I continued to talk for a very long time about our situation. I could tell that he was thinking hard about
the blessing, and that he didn’t want it to be mere words. I could see that he was searching for
inspiration as we spoke. We talked about
each of our previous birth experiences and what the signs of labor were. I found that just talking about those
experiences was lifting my spirits and helping me overcome so much of the
discouragement that I felt. This baby
really was going to come out! I had sort
of numbed myself into thinking it wasn’t going to happen just to get through
the wait. Somewhere around midnight, he
administered the blessing. It was almost
too special to write about. The words
were so powerful and comforting and good.
While he was giving the blessing, I remembered a talk given in church
that day about the Priesthood. The
speaker said that the Priesthood is the most powerful force on the earth. I remember thinking “Yeah, even more powerful
than pitocin or cytotec.” I know that
blessings aren’t fulfilled without faith, and that thought helped me think,
“This can really happen!” I was
surprised that he told me that I would begin to show signs of labor
immediately. I was told that all would
be well with me and the baby, and that I would find joy in the experience. I felt so comforted and happy when he was
finished, that I didn’t care if labor started immediately or not, I knew
everything would be right.
Dallin
immediately began setting up the birth pool.
I thought, “Faith without works is dead”, and began thinking of ways
that I could act in faith. We made some
preparations together and fell asleep at about 1:00am. Dallin fell asleep to me asking him what time
it was. He told me and I said, “Exactly?”, and he said,
“yes”. I had just had my first
contraction. I dozed between
contractions that were 8-10 minutes apart for about an hour. I got up to use the restroom and get a
drink. The next hour they were more like
5-6 minutes apart and I was getting too excited to sleep between them. I called my midwife to give her a head’s up
at 3:00. I called my mom to see if she
felt okay about leaving Dad, and she said she thought it would be fine and
she’d get things together and start driving.
I got back in bed and had a few more contractions before I woke Dallin
up. He was really surprised that I’d
been having regular contractions for 2 hours.
They continued to be 5-10 minutes apart and were gradually increasing in
intensity. We got the bed ready and
Dallin started filling the pool. He came
to me and held me with each contraction.
It was a fun, exciting, busy time.
We cuddled in bed together for awhile, and I called my midwife Cathy at
around 5am to tell her I was ready for her to come. I knew she was about 40 minutes to an hour
away. I used the birth ball for the next
hour, and found it very comfortable. I
was able to rest my head on my bed and I started vocalizing through
contractions. I knew they still weren’t
really intense, and they were pretty far apart.
I was enjoying the breaks between contractions so I told Dallin I wasn’t
worried if this labor was longer than the others. I wasn’t expecting to be very far dilated
when my midwife came, but I wanted her to check me before I got in the
pool. Dallin was filling it the rest of
the way since our hot water had run out earlier. I noticed it was starting to get light
outside.
When
Cathy arrived, I asked her to check my progress. It was VERY painful to be on my back. She checked the baby and said I was 7-8cm and
the baby’s head was very low. I was so
excited! It hadn’t been bad at all so
far! I got in the pool and just enjoyed
being in there. It was pretty warm, so
they replaced some of the water. Dallin
opened my closet window so I could have a breeze. He sat by me and fed me ice between
contractions. I was still just sort of
moaning through them. They stayed at
5-10 minutes apart. I was leaning over
the edge of the tub and I watched the sunlight light up Dallin’s clothes and
shoes. I felt so happy to be in labor
and to know that I’d be holding my baby girl soon. I enjoyed looking out at our back yard being
bathed in the sunrise. The cool breeze
was wonderful!
Soon
we heard little Simon talking in his crib.
Dallin called my mom and she was still an hour away. I thought about my sweet baby boy, and
decided I wouldn’t mind if he came in for a few minutes. I knew I’d love to hear his, “Hi, Mama!” one
more time as my baby. Dallin called my
friend Valerie to come help with Simon and brought him in to the pool. Sure enough, I got my greeting. He thought the pool was great, and splashed
his hands in it a little. Valerie came
and Dallin showed her where to find things to help him. Daisy came in and said hi to me for a
minute. Cathy was with me while Dallin
was out of the room. It was just really
pleasant. I got out to use the restroom
and got back in for a minute. It was
beginning to feel good to bear down a little at the end of each
contraction. I thought maybe I should
have another exam to see if I was getting close to the pushing phase.
When
I got out of the pool, I had a whopper of a contraction in Dallin’s arms. I said, “Get me over there, quick!” The next few contractions were the only
crazy intense part of my labor. I had a
couple of them on the birth ball, but I really wanted to get on the bed for the
exam. It took me a couple of
contractions to get myself up there. She
said I had an anterior lip of cervix still.
I laid on my side for a couple of contractions, feeling more and more of
an urge to bear down through them. I
didn’t like being on my side for pushing, so I got on my knees and chest,
hoping it was really time to push. I
pushed a little more through each contraction until I felt her moving through
me and I knew it was time to get her out!
I pushed and was very surprised to immediately feel the stretching ring
of fire. I felt her head slip back in and
gathered enough courage to make myself feel that awful pain again. What a relief that the next push got her head
all the way out! I was so shocked that I
had to verify it with the midwife. It
took a couple of pushes to get her chubby chest out, and then I heard her
crying. I cried and cried with such
relief that she was already here and that I hadn’t had to suffer. It was such a beautiful and enjoyable
experience. I rolled to my side and took
her up in my arms. She snuggled beside
me and cried and got all of her mucous out.
My friend was taking pictures, so I got a shirt on and continued to lie
by her side. My placenta released pretty
quickly after, and the midwife said it looked wonderful! As soon as her mucous was cleared, Her
little tongue started going. The kids
came in and took a peek and said hi to her, and then I asked everyone to leave
so Dallin and I could be alone with the baby.
The midwives exited into my closet to take down the birth pool and I lay
on the bed nursing my baby. She did so
well! It was so sweet to see her
munching away. I have never had a baby
show interest in nursing so quickly, so it was really neat. I nursed her on both sides before everyone
came in for the new baby exam. She was
an hour old when her biggest brother Nathan cut her cord. It took all of his strength! We all guessed what she would weigh. Brandon said, “around 9lbs”, so we declared him
the winner at 8lb 15oz. She was so
chubby and short and didn’t look much like the other kids. We chuckled at her roly-poly sweetness. We got her dressed and bundled and Daddy took
her out to the living room with the kids so I could get cleaned up. I had a tiny tear, but no need for stitches! It was nice to get back into my cleaned up
bed and relax! I was exhausted, but so
very happy! How could we name her
anything but Joy?
Sullivan's Story
Through the Valley: A Birth Story
The Lord is my Sheperd; I shall not want.
Sunday got us through the last of the inconveniences of having this baby early. I still wanted him to come early, and I would have dealt with the inconveniences, but now they were out of the way. My mom was here. Brandon's birthday was fully celebrated. He was ordained. No reason not to come now, right?
During Relief Society, they were talking about Priesthood blessings. I remembered that that was what got Sarajoy's birth going. I thought throughout the day if it would be appropriate. We would be asking for the baby to be coming on his due date. We were ready, and it made sense to make the most of the time my mom is here. We decided that it made sense to go ahead with the blessing. We both felt like we were making a decision based on our limited knowledge, so we left it up to the Lord's will and felt peace about it. After the blessing, we did some preparation just in case, and after a strong contraction, we went to bed.
As usual, I did not sleep well. I did some indexing and sewing to stay busy during the wee small hours. I climbed into bed as Dallin got up and had a little cry before falling asleep. I was sad, but I was aware that I needed to do my part and trust God's will. I stayed busy that day, pretty sure that the time wasn't right. It is always great to be with my mom. The kids' expectations were high that day, especially Ruby's since she is our only baby who came on her due date. She wanted him to be her due date buddy.
Tuesday I had a harder time pushing the cloud away. Interestingly, throughout the day I had several people call or stop by with food or text me and tell me they were thinking of me. I was thankful to feel that I wasn't forgotten by them or by the Lord. It lifted my spirits considerably. I had a checkup and an exam that morning. There was little change from last week. We didn't make a next appointment, however, which was encouraging.
I was extremely tired after dinner that day. I went up to bed and asked Dallin if he wanted to watch part of a movie before we put the kids to bed. "Courageous" was a very inspiring show. It was really hard to watch because a family loses a child, but it was cleansing in a way as I was able to process some of the fears I'd been having about this baby not making it. I felt that it helped me get in a place to fully accept the Lord's will, even if it was painful. During the movie I started to have some contractions that were stronger than usual. They were far apart, but I felt they might be leading to something. I kissed my kids goodnight thinking that the time was close. I didn't tell anyone, though.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:
I slept unusually soundly and deeply that night. I think I went to bed at 10pm, which is 2 hours earlier than a "good" night. I was occasionally aroused by a contraction, but was so thankful for the good sleep. I knew the deep sleep could also be a sign of impending labor. Then at about 3am, I had two contractions, fairly close together and quite painful. After the second one, I felt some discharge and ran to the bathroom to see if it was the "show" that would mean labor for sure. It was not. It was a bloody mess, followed by the passing of a large clot attached to my mucous plug.
This is it, I thought. This is when I lose my baby. I tried to check for movement, but could feel none. It was hard to even try to get him to move because of the contractions. Yet I felt peace about it and knew the Lord would walk with me through whatever. One way or the other, I knew that my wait would soon be over.
For Thou art with me.
I had Dallin give me a blessing and I called the midwife. No answer. Texted. No answer. Called my neighbor who used the backup midwife to get her number. Called the backup midwife. No answer. Finally her husband answered and gave me her cell number. She answered.
She did not seem thrilled to be hearing from me as she knew my midwife was back in town. I just couldn't believe I wasn't getting any help! I just wanted to know if I should go to the hospital or if what I was experiencing could possibly be normal! She said it could possibly be from dilating quickly, and to try my midwife again. She said she would come check on baby for me except that she was already at a birth. Oh.
Baby started moving. Relief.
Finally, I got through to Cathy. She said she felt like I should go have them check on the baby and evaluate the bleeding. She said her assistant would meet us there. She lives an hour away so it wasn't really practical for her to come.
I thought they would for sure find some reason to keep me there. So much for waiting for my homebirth. It took quite awhile to get checked in, but it was great to hear that little heartbeat. The bleeding was determined to be cervical. The assistant told me that Cathy was also at a birth and that she (Liz) had been at a birth already that Day. 3 women came into Labor and Delivery while we were there as well. Must have been something in the air! So Dallin, Liz, and I waited out the monitoring and the call to the Dr. that would release us to go home and have this baby! Dallin and I had a good chuckle when we realized that the last time we saw our family Dr. was for a vasectomy consultation. While at the hospital, the contractions were moderate and 1-3 mins apart.
When we got home, we were pretty tired. I felt confident telling the kids and my friends that it was Baby Day. A friend picked up Ruby and the little ones. I tried to rest, but couldn't. Dallin and my mom were resting, so I walked over to my neighbor's to see if she would walk awhile with me. It was fun to walk and talk. I wondered if this birth was going to be like my first that took awhile to really get started. I was okay with that. I came home and welcomed the deep sleep that finally came. When I got up, I felt restless and distracted. The contractions were still not very strong or regular but they never went away. So much like Nathan's birth where I walked the halls of the hospital for 12 hours before finally showing some progress. I woke Dallin up and told him I wanted to watch a movie. It was the very long last half of Little Dorrit. Thank goodness it was long.
By dinnertime, I was starting to feel a little discouraged. It had now been longer than 12 hours, and I just didn't know what was going on. I was feeling like my head was swelling with fluid, and it was making me miserable. I asked my midwife to come to a baby check and blood pressure to make sure everything was okay.
Everything was. I had progressed a very small amount. Then she said, "he'll probably come on the weekend." She said she'd come on Friday and maybe break my water if I wanted. I didn't hear much of anything she said after that. I was just plain old mad. I just wanted some validation that I was really in labor and that it would kick in any minute. I was experiencing all the signs. The weekend? I just couldn't take it. It was too much. Sarajoy walked in just as the sobs started up. She was so cute, asking me why I was crying and faithfully going to tell Dallin before she returned to comfort me. I calmed down and was truly touched by her tenderness and love that she showed me. We read some stories and had a nice bedtime. I knew there were people waiting for an update, but I just could not stand to tell everyone it was a "false alarm". I didn't want to see or communicate with anyone.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
I slept a little, but woke feeling very very disturbed. I felt embarassed and confused for getting my hopes and everyone else's up. I wanted to disappear. I didn't know what to do. I was just completely out of it. I was thinking about sneaking back to the hospital to get induced. Thankfully I had enough of a brain left to rationalize myself out of most of the silliness that was coming to mind. I decided that the best place to escape was outside. I could at least feel like I was hiding a little.
It was a lovely night, and the fresh air brought on a fresh wave of tears. It was interesting to feel so hidden there in the open with the earth beneath me and the stars above me. It was warm enough to lay on the grass for awhile, just letting the desperation that had been trying to clutch me for the past few weeks finally take its hold. I prayed and begged for relief and for release, knowing that I was not being spiritually minded and accepting the Lord's will as I should. I lay there thinking of hymns and scriptures and words of wisdom to help me, but they sank in with difficulty. My heart felt so broken. I finally forced myself to think over and over again what felt like a lie: "I'm thankful for this experience because I know it will help me grow into what I'm supposed to be." I was so grateful for the stillness and beauty of the night. I thought about walking for awhile, but leaving my property at 1 or 2am (I don't even know what time it was) alone did not seem wise. I thought I'd walk around my yard. I stood up and headed down the sidewalk and realized 2 things: It was dark and scary in my backyard and I needed to go to the bathroom. I came back into the house and crawled into bed feeling very low and humble indeed.
I knew that over 24 hours had passed since I thought labor had begun when I was awakened by some intense contractions. "This must be what back labor feels like", I thought. They would start in the front and peak and settle into my tailbone where the pain never quite left. I must have been moaning or maybe one of the kids woke up, but something woke up Dallin so I asked him to put some pressure on my tailbone. It helped take some of the intensity out of the backache. I have previously delivered a 10lb baby who came out posterior, and it was pretty traumatic, though it had not included back labor. I was not looking forward to another experience like that, but I'd take it. The baby started to move a lot, and he must have turned because the back pain disappeared. I got up to use the bathroom and felt saddened that I was scared to be excited and that my experience the previous day and that night had robbed me of some of the joy I usually feel when in labor. It was 4am. I was able to share some of my concerns with Dallin, especially that I was hesitant to call the midwife because I thought she might not believe that this was really it. I had no tolerance for any doubt whatsoever.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
I decided to wait an hour before I made any announcements or had Dallin set up the birth pool. I just had him time contractions and he got things ready. It was not long before any doubt was gone from my mind. These were real and certainly getting more intense. I had him go ahead and get the pool set up because I was thinking it would be helpful really soon, but I thought I'd better wait until 6 or so to get in because I did not want the warm water to stop labor. Soon it was apparent that he was having difficulty getting the hose hooked up to anything. I texted my midwife at about 5:30 and told her things were getting intense and she should come when she felt it was right. I still wasn't really ready to talk to anyone. During this period I was lying on my side on my bed breathing deeply through the contractions and resting, sometimes sleeping a little in between. They were about 5 min apart. I texted my friend Holly at 6 to go ahead and pick up my little ones and take them to co-op. Ruby wanted to stay for the birth. I was able to speak very little beyond that point. I was focused inward, gathering courage as the pain gathered intensity. I thought about Daisy's and Sarajoy's births and how exciting and even joyful they were. I hoped that getting in the pool would give me enough relief to enjoy the experience more than I was at the time. It wasn't until about 6:30 that Dallin finally got the hot water problem solved. He duct taped the hose to the tub spout. I heard him turn the water off and asked hopefully if I could get in. He said it wasn't very full but we were out of hot water. I'd had my mom begin warming water on the stove. I went ahead and got in the pool because I just couldn't wait. They kept addding hot water from the stove. I was alone in the pool, but didn't mind. The time between contractions was spent gathering courage to face and surrender to the next one. I couldn't muster much excitement, but I was focused on doing the work and I was fine with it. I tried sitting back and being on my side while in the tub, but mostly I was on my knees with my arms slung over the edge of the tub. I sat back between most contractions. Soon after I got in, Liz showed up. She asked if I wanted to be checked and I said I'd wait. I really wasn't comfortable being checked by anyone but Cathy. I asked if Cathy was on her way and Liz said yes. I appreciated that she wanted to be helpful but not intrusive. She even asked if preferred being alone, and I did. She helped me get a cool washcloth and ice when I needed it. I remember asking Dallin what time it was and he said 7:20. I was thinking that if things went according to my usual pattern, the baby should be born by about 9am. For some reason that seemed a long way off when I heard what time it was.
He restoreth my soul:
I asked for Dallin to come to me and told him I was at the end of my strength. I was very very tired and the contractions were very very painful. I asked for a blessing for some strength. Soon after that, I began to feel like I wanted to get out of the pool and back on my bed. I was having a hard time supporting my weight and I wanted to lie down, but I was scared that I wouldn't be able to cope without the water. It suddenly occurred to me that I was probably in transition, and that was an exciting thought. I got out and into bed and buzzed my lips through excruciating contractions. How I welcomed the breaks in between! Dallin was lying beside me holding my hand and I noticed we both slept between contractions. I kept thinking I'd have someone check me, but I never felt like I could stand it. I just started pushing a little at the end of contractions. When it began to feel really good and relieve a lot of pressure to push, I knew it was right. I pushed gently through several contractions before I got up on my knees into the position that I had birthed the last 3 babies. Dallin got up to turn on the camera and I think Cathy showed up about then.
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
I wasn't aware of much except the pain. The point came when the pushing quit feeling good and I had to face the final battle. With each contraction I had to force myself to do something that seemed impossibly painful. There were a few times where I just couldn't muster it, and I felt the baby slide back in. That was enough to make me push harder the next time! I wasn't really sure how close I even was. I have never gone through labor without my progress being checked before. I was completely relying on past experiences and my body's cues. It was really awesome for the most part, but at the end it was kind of frightening because I knew I didn't want to be pushing for any longer than I had to. I remember Brandon coming to the door and telling Dallin goodbye. I remember the push where my water broke! That was the first moment of real excitement because I finally knew this was real and my baby would be here soon. I was pushing very hard and making plenty of noise. I was suprised when they told me the head was out! I hadn't felt it the way I remembered. But I felt each shoulder and was expecting the release to come after that but it didn't. I had to give another big push to get that chubby belly out! He was born into his Daddy's arms.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil:
It was finally over! I usually can't wait to get my hands on that baby, but this time I was so exhausted I just had to hold still for a moment and let the pain wash away. Then I wondered if Ruby got to see. I hadn't been in the right mind to let anyone know that she wanted to be there. She came right in, though, and I think it was close enough. I also didn't realize that my mom had missed it. She had been waiting outside with the little ones to get picked up and when she came in she heard the cry. Then it was my turn. I rolled onto my side and met my little boy! How could I not weep to see him out and whole and alive?
I held him close for several minutes while his respiratory system cleared up. It seemed to take awhile longer than the other kids, but I was perfectly content to lie there and cuddle with him while he worked it out. Dallin picked him up and held him face down for a minute to let gravity help out, and Cathy used the bulb syringe minimally in his mouth and nose. That was enough for him to start nursing, and he did great! He nursed on both sides while the midwives emptied the pool and cleaned up. It was so peaceful and nice.
Then it was time for the newborn exam. He weighed in at 9lbs 10oz and was 21.5" long. He had a big 14.5 inch head, but still not as big as Nathan's 15-incher! His belly was 15.5, though!
The rest of the day was bliss. We cuddled the sleepy babe and texted and took pictures and enjoyed the peace of a mostly empty house. Ruby was there, silently soaking it all in. The midwives let her cut the cord and showed her the placenta. She helped dress him and finally got to hold him for awhile.
My friend Elisa came and we had a nice visit and took some pictures with Cosette and Sullivan. The other kids' arrivals were staggered just right. Simon and Sarajoy showed up at around 2:00 from co-op. Katherine came in for a little peek when she dropped them off. They were so cute and excited. Sarajoy was perfectly content to have a nice long turn holding him. Simon was soon off to have some baby day celebration treats that the kids had all been anticipating. Next to arrive was Nathan just after 3:00. He usually goofs off with his friends for a few minutes after getting off the bus, but not today! He came right in and had his turn snuggling. "Are we really naming him Sullivan? That wasn't a joke? None of my friends really like that name." My response: "They'll get used to it!" Brandon came bursting through the door a little earlier than usual and not with Daisy at his heels. "I couldn't stand it. I got off at the first stop and ran home and hopped the fence!" So he got his own turn while the bus brought Daisy around to our stop. "I just can't stop smiling when I look at him." Then sweet Daisy came in and "just couldn't believe he was here" and how cute he was! She is still just in awe that he's really ours.
Lovely neighbors Trina and Autumn came in for a peek when they brought dinner. Dallin and Mom and I stayed up making sure everyone was informed and trying to get all the pictures to post.
My cup runneth over.
Amidst the bliss there was a little lonely part of me saying, nobody really knows what I've suffered. There were feelings that still needed to be processed. I was enjoying myself and knew they could wait, but I felt differently about this birth than others. More subdued and sobered and humbled by it. So deeply grateful for the little life in my arms. In awe of the miracle and majesty of the experiences we are able to have on this earth.
That night when I was outside suffering and that morning as I was inside enduring, I thought I could never do it again. How could it possibly be worth it?
But IT IS! It is.
It is worth it to wait and worry and ache and suffer and submit and surrender and feel.
Why? What do I get from it?
I get to bring my baby into the world in the sacred confines of my own home where trust reigns over fear. My husband's flesh gets to be the first to touch and hold his little body. My daughter's hands are the ones that separate his body from mine. His mother's arms and breasts are the things that get him breathing clearly. It is beautiful.
I did have to pay a price for this experience, but within moments I saw that the price was small compared to the reward. I got a bargain, and as usual with Our Loving Father, He gives so very much in the growth experiences themselves that the sacrifice seems small indeed.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
Sunday got us through the last of the inconveniences of having this baby early. I still wanted him to come early, and I would have dealt with the inconveniences, but now they were out of the way. My mom was here. Brandon's birthday was fully celebrated. He was ordained. No reason not to come now, right?
During Relief Society, they were talking about Priesthood blessings. I remembered that that was what got Sarajoy's birth going. I thought throughout the day if it would be appropriate. We would be asking for the baby to be coming on his due date. We were ready, and it made sense to make the most of the time my mom is here. We decided that it made sense to go ahead with the blessing. We both felt like we were making a decision based on our limited knowledge, so we left it up to the Lord's will and felt peace about it. After the blessing, we did some preparation just in case, and after a strong contraction, we went to bed.
As usual, I did not sleep well. I did some indexing and sewing to stay busy during the wee small hours. I climbed into bed as Dallin got up and had a little cry before falling asleep. I was sad, but I was aware that I needed to do my part and trust God's will. I stayed busy that day, pretty sure that the time wasn't right. It is always great to be with my mom. The kids' expectations were high that day, especially Ruby's since she is our only baby who came on her due date. She wanted him to be her due date buddy.
Tuesday I had a harder time pushing the cloud away. Interestingly, throughout the day I had several people call or stop by with food or text me and tell me they were thinking of me. I was thankful to feel that I wasn't forgotten by them or by the Lord. It lifted my spirits considerably. I had a checkup and an exam that morning. There was little change from last week. We didn't make a next appointment, however, which was encouraging.
I was extremely tired after dinner that day. I went up to bed and asked Dallin if he wanted to watch part of a movie before we put the kids to bed. "Courageous" was a very inspiring show. It was really hard to watch because a family loses a child, but it was cleansing in a way as I was able to process some of the fears I'd been having about this baby not making it. I felt that it helped me get in a place to fully accept the Lord's will, even if it was painful. During the movie I started to have some contractions that were stronger than usual. They were far apart, but I felt they might be leading to something. I kissed my kids goodnight thinking that the time was close. I didn't tell anyone, though.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:
I slept unusually soundly and deeply that night. I think I went to bed at 10pm, which is 2 hours earlier than a "good" night. I was occasionally aroused by a contraction, but was so thankful for the good sleep. I knew the deep sleep could also be a sign of impending labor. Then at about 3am, I had two contractions, fairly close together and quite painful. After the second one, I felt some discharge and ran to the bathroom to see if it was the "show" that would mean labor for sure. It was not. It was a bloody mess, followed by the passing of a large clot attached to my mucous plug.
This is it, I thought. This is when I lose my baby. I tried to check for movement, but could feel none. It was hard to even try to get him to move because of the contractions. Yet I felt peace about it and knew the Lord would walk with me through whatever. One way or the other, I knew that my wait would soon be over.
For Thou art with me.
I had Dallin give me a blessing and I called the midwife. No answer. Texted. No answer. Called my neighbor who used the backup midwife to get her number. Called the backup midwife. No answer. Finally her husband answered and gave me her cell number. She answered.
She did not seem thrilled to be hearing from me as she knew my midwife was back in town. I just couldn't believe I wasn't getting any help! I just wanted to know if I should go to the hospital or if what I was experiencing could possibly be normal! She said it could possibly be from dilating quickly, and to try my midwife again. She said she would come check on baby for me except that she was already at a birth. Oh.
Baby started moving. Relief.
Finally, I got through to Cathy. She said she felt like I should go have them check on the baby and evaluate the bleeding. She said her assistant would meet us there. She lives an hour away so it wasn't really practical for her to come.
I thought they would for sure find some reason to keep me there. So much for waiting for my homebirth. It took quite awhile to get checked in, but it was great to hear that little heartbeat. The bleeding was determined to be cervical. The assistant told me that Cathy was also at a birth and that she (Liz) had been at a birth already that Day. 3 women came into Labor and Delivery while we were there as well. Must have been something in the air! So Dallin, Liz, and I waited out the monitoring and the call to the Dr. that would release us to go home and have this baby! Dallin and I had a good chuckle when we realized that the last time we saw our family Dr. was for a vasectomy consultation. While at the hospital, the contractions were moderate and 1-3 mins apart.
When we got home, we were pretty tired. I felt confident telling the kids and my friends that it was Baby Day. A friend picked up Ruby and the little ones. I tried to rest, but couldn't. Dallin and my mom were resting, so I walked over to my neighbor's to see if she would walk awhile with me. It was fun to walk and talk. I wondered if this birth was going to be like my first that took awhile to really get started. I was okay with that. I came home and welcomed the deep sleep that finally came. When I got up, I felt restless and distracted. The contractions were still not very strong or regular but they never went away. So much like Nathan's birth where I walked the halls of the hospital for 12 hours before finally showing some progress. I woke Dallin up and told him I wanted to watch a movie. It was the very long last half of Little Dorrit. Thank goodness it was long.
By dinnertime, I was starting to feel a little discouraged. It had now been longer than 12 hours, and I just didn't know what was going on. I was feeling like my head was swelling with fluid, and it was making me miserable. I asked my midwife to come to a baby check and blood pressure to make sure everything was okay.
Everything was. I had progressed a very small amount. Then she said, "he'll probably come on the weekend." She said she'd come on Friday and maybe break my water if I wanted. I didn't hear much of anything she said after that. I was just plain old mad. I just wanted some validation that I was really in labor and that it would kick in any minute. I was experiencing all the signs. The weekend? I just couldn't take it. It was too much. Sarajoy walked in just as the sobs started up. She was so cute, asking me why I was crying and faithfully going to tell Dallin before she returned to comfort me. I calmed down and was truly touched by her tenderness and love that she showed me. We read some stories and had a nice bedtime. I knew there were people waiting for an update, but I just could not stand to tell everyone it was a "false alarm". I didn't want to see or communicate with anyone.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
I slept a little, but woke feeling very very disturbed. I felt embarassed and confused for getting my hopes and everyone else's up. I wanted to disappear. I didn't know what to do. I was just completely out of it. I was thinking about sneaking back to the hospital to get induced. Thankfully I had enough of a brain left to rationalize myself out of most of the silliness that was coming to mind. I decided that the best place to escape was outside. I could at least feel like I was hiding a little.
It was a lovely night, and the fresh air brought on a fresh wave of tears. It was interesting to feel so hidden there in the open with the earth beneath me and the stars above me. It was warm enough to lay on the grass for awhile, just letting the desperation that had been trying to clutch me for the past few weeks finally take its hold. I prayed and begged for relief and for release, knowing that I was not being spiritually minded and accepting the Lord's will as I should. I lay there thinking of hymns and scriptures and words of wisdom to help me, but they sank in with difficulty. My heart felt so broken. I finally forced myself to think over and over again what felt like a lie: "I'm thankful for this experience because I know it will help me grow into what I'm supposed to be." I was so grateful for the stillness and beauty of the night. I thought about walking for awhile, but leaving my property at 1 or 2am (I don't even know what time it was) alone did not seem wise. I thought I'd walk around my yard. I stood up and headed down the sidewalk and realized 2 things: It was dark and scary in my backyard and I needed to go to the bathroom. I came back into the house and crawled into bed feeling very low and humble indeed.
I knew that over 24 hours had passed since I thought labor had begun when I was awakened by some intense contractions. "This must be what back labor feels like", I thought. They would start in the front and peak and settle into my tailbone where the pain never quite left. I must have been moaning or maybe one of the kids woke up, but something woke up Dallin so I asked him to put some pressure on my tailbone. It helped take some of the intensity out of the backache. I have previously delivered a 10lb baby who came out posterior, and it was pretty traumatic, though it had not included back labor. I was not looking forward to another experience like that, but I'd take it. The baby started to move a lot, and he must have turned because the back pain disappeared. I got up to use the bathroom and felt saddened that I was scared to be excited and that my experience the previous day and that night had robbed me of some of the joy I usually feel when in labor. It was 4am. I was able to share some of my concerns with Dallin, especially that I was hesitant to call the midwife because I thought she might not believe that this was really it. I had no tolerance for any doubt whatsoever.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
I decided to wait an hour before I made any announcements or had Dallin set up the birth pool. I just had him time contractions and he got things ready. It was not long before any doubt was gone from my mind. These were real and certainly getting more intense. I had him go ahead and get the pool set up because I was thinking it would be helpful really soon, but I thought I'd better wait until 6 or so to get in because I did not want the warm water to stop labor. Soon it was apparent that he was having difficulty getting the hose hooked up to anything. I texted my midwife at about 5:30 and told her things were getting intense and she should come when she felt it was right. I still wasn't really ready to talk to anyone. During this period I was lying on my side on my bed breathing deeply through the contractions and resting, sometimes sleeping a little in between. They were about 5 min apart. I texted my friend Holly at 6 to go ahead and pick up my little ones and take them to co-op. Ruby wanted to stay for the birth. I was able to speak very little beyond that point. I was focused inward, gathering courage as the pain gathered intensity. I thought about Daisy's and Sarajoy's births and how exciting and even joyful they were. I hoped that getting in the pool would give me enough relief to enjoy the experience more than I was at the time. It wasn't until about 6:30 that Dallin finally got the hot water problem solved. He duct taped the hose to the tub spout. I heard him turn the water off and asked hopefully if I could get in. He said it wasn't very full but we were out of hot water. I'd had my mom begin warming water on the stove. I went ahead and got in the pool because I just couldn't wait. They kept addding hot water from the stove. I was alone in the pool, but didn't mind. The time between contractions was spent gathering courage to face and surrender to the next one. I couldn't muster much excitement, but I was focused on doing the work and I was fine with it. I tried sitting back and being on my side while in the tub, but mostly I was on my knees with my arms slung over the edge of the tub. I sat back between most contractions. Soon after I got in, Liz showed up. She asked if I wanted to be checked and I said I'd wait. I really wasn't comfortable being checked by anyone but Cathy. I asked if Cathy was on her way and Liz said yes. I appreciated that she wanted to be helpful but not intrusive. She even asked if preferred being alone, and I did. She helped me get a cool washcloth and ice when I needed it. I remember asking Dallin what time it was and he said 7:20. I was thinking that if things went according to my usual pattern, the baby should be born by about 9am. For some reason that seemed a long way off when I heard what time it was.
He restoreth my soul:
I asked for Dallin to come to me and told him I was at the end of my strength. I was very very tired and the contractions were very very painful. I asked for a blessing for some strength. Soon after that, I began to feel like I wanted to get out of the pool and back on my bed. I was having a hard time supporting my weight and I wanted to lie down, but I was scared that I wouldn't be able to cope without the water. It suddenly occurred to me that I was probably in transition, and that was an exciting thought. I got out and into bed and buzzed my lips through excruciating contractions. How I welcomed the breaks in between! Dallin was lying beside me holding my hand and I noticed we both slept between contractions. I kept thinking I'd have someone check me, but I never felt like I could stand it. I just started pushing a little at the end of contractions. When it began to feel really good and relieve a lot of pressure to push, I knew it was right. I pushed gently through several contractions before I got up on my knees into the position that I had birthed the last 3 babies. Dallin got up to turn on the camera and I think Cathy showed up about then.
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
I wasn't aware of much except the pain. The point came when the pushing quit feeling good and I had to face the final battle. With each contraction I had to force myself to do something that seemed impossibly painful. There were a few times where I just couldn't muster it, and I felt the baby slide back in. That was enough to make me push harder the next time! I wasn't really sure how close I even was. I have never gone through labor without my progress being checked before. I was completely relying on past experiences and my body's cues. It was really awesome for the most part, but at the end it was kind of frightening because I knew I didn't want to be pushing for any longer than I had to. I remember Brandon coming to the door and telling Dallin goodbye. I remember the push where my water broke! That was the first moment of real excitement because I finally knew this was real and my baby would be here soon. I was pushing very hard and making plenty of noise. I was suprised when they told me the head was out! I hadn't felt it the way I remembered. But I felt each shoulder and was expecting the release to come after that but it didn't. I had to give another big push to get that chubby belly out! He was born into his Daddy's arms.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil:
It was finally over! I usually can't wait to get my hands on that baby, but this time I was so exhausted I just had to hold still for a moment and let the pain wash away. Then I wondered if Ruby got to see. I hadn't been in the right mind to let anyone know that she wanted to be there. She came right in, though, and I think it was close enough. I also didn't realize that my mom had missed it. She had been waiting outside with the little ones to get picked up and when she came in she heard the cry. Then it was my turn. I rolled onto my side and met my little boy! How could I not weep to see him out and whole and alive?
I held him close for several minutes while his respiratory system cleared up. It seemed to take awhile longer than the other kids, but I was perfectly content to lie there and cuddle with him while he worked it out. Dallin picked him up and held him face down for a minute to let gravity help out, and Cathy used the bulb syringe minimally in his mouth and nose. That was enough for him to start nursing, and he did great! He nursed on both sides while the midwives emptied the pool and cleaned up. It was so peaceful and nice.
Then it was time for the newborn exam. He weighed in at 9lbs 10oz and was 21.5" long. He had a big 14.5 inch head, but still not as big as Nathan's 15-incher! His belly was 15.5, though!
The rest of the day was bliss. We cuddled the sleepy babe and texted and took pictures and enjoyed the peace of a mostly empty house. Ruby was there, silently soaking it all in. The midwives let her cut the cord and showed her the placenta. She helped dress him and finally got to hold him for awhile.
My friend Elisa came and we had a nice visit and took some pictures with Cosette and Sullivan. The other kids' arrivals were staggered just right. Simon and Sarajoy showed up at around 2:00 from co-op. Katherine came in for a little peek when she dropped them off. They were so cute and excited. Sarajoy was perfectly content to have a nice long turn holding him. Simon was soon off to have some baby day celebration treats that the kids had all been anticipating. Next to arrive was Nathan just after 3:00. He usually goofs off with his friends for a few minutes after getting off the bus, but not today! He came right in and had his turn snuggling. "Are we really naming him Sullivan? That wasn't a joke? None of my friends really like that name." My response: "They'll get used to it!" Brandon came bursting through the door a little earlier than usual and not with Daisy at his heels. "I couldn't stand it. I got off at the first stop and ran home and hopped the fence!" So he got his own turn while the bus brought Daisy around to our stop. "I just can't stop smiling when I look at him." Then sweet Daisy came in and "just couldn't believe he was here" and how cute he was! She is still just in awe that he's really ours.
Lovely neighbors Trina and Autumn came in for a peek when they brought dinner. Dallin and Mom and I stayed up making sure everyone was informed and trying to get all the pictures to post.
My cup runneth over.
Amidst the bliss there was a little lonely part of me saying, nobody really knows what I've suffered. There were feelings that still needed to be processed. I was enjoying myself and knew they could wait, but I felt differently about this birth than others. More subdued and sobered and humbled by it. So deeply grateful for the little life in my arms. In awe of the miracle and majesty of the experiences we are able to have on this earth.
That night when I was outside suffering and that morning as I was inside enduring, I thought I could never do it again. How could it possibly be worth it?
But IT IS! It is.
It is worth it to wait and worry and ache and suffer and submit and surrender and feel.
Why? What do I get from it?
I get to bring my baby into the world in the sacred confines of my own home where trust reigns over fear. My husband's flesh gets to be the first to touch and hold his little body. My daughter's hands are the ones that separate his body from mine. His mother's arms and breasts are the things that get him breathing clearly. It is beautiful.
I did have to pay a price for this experience, but within moments I saw that the price was small compared to the reward. I got a bargain, and as usual with Our Loving Father, He gives so very much in the growth experiences themselves that the sacrifice seems small indeed.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
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