More Christmas Treasures

Our first part of Christmas break was spent at home.  We are so very blessed that Dallin gets the full 2 weeks off for Christmas break!  I love it when he is home.  It is so nice to take things at an easier pace.  We have slow mornings with warm breakfast and scriptures and discussions and the guys do racquetball.  I love it!  This year we each drew a name to fill a stocking.  Through the holiday season, I took each kid on a date to shop for their sibling's stocking gifts and their cousin gift.  We also had a meal together.  I LOVE spending that kind of time with my kids individually.  It makes the whole season more fun because the kids are thinking of each other and being excited to fill a stocking on Christmas Eve. 

Monday evening we had our Giving Day.  I knew I was not functioning on a level that I could do a bunch of crafty projects this year, so I decided to rethink the tradition.  I thought about drawing names, but one thing I really love about the tradition is that we each spend some time thinking about each family member.  Simon tipped me off to a really great idea by making a Lego creation for me one day.  I had him make one for each family member and he had them all wrapped up and under the tree in no time!  I had the older kids think of something they loved and apply it to each family member.  They came up with some great stuff!  Ruby gave us each a Harry Potter character and told us why we are like that person.  Nathan chose a favorite song and played it for each person and printed off the album cover with a note on the back.  (I got a little teary-eyed when he played the one for me :))  Brandon drew pictures of different temples and a scripture to go along with it that matched each person's personality.  Daisy made everyone stress-relief balls out of balloons and flour.  Sarajoy made chex party mix for everyone and Sullivan made dipped pretzels.  I made everyone a cute felt photo ornament.  It was my only craft for the season, and I loved it!  Making things really is part of what makes Christmas seem real to me.  Dallin got these amazing Tri-Star balls that his co-worker makes for each of us and put a different scripture on each one.  It was a wonderful, happy evening. 

We took an evening to go visit the Norman Rockwell exhibit at the BYU Museum of Art.  Going as a whole family was a bit overwhelming, but we took turns with the little ones to make it easier.  I sat in the foyer of the exhibit where they had all of the Saturday Evening Post covers displayed.  Sullivan and I played I Spy and found quite a few interesting things.  After the museum we went to dinner as a family.  That is not something we get to do a lot, and it was really enjoyable. 

We packed up early on the 23rd so we would be able to enjoy Christmas Day at our house without the hustle and bustle of getting ready for a trip.  It was kinda stressful for me, but the big kids and Dallin stepped in and made it all work. 

We got invited to spend Christmas Eve with some of Dallin's family.  That was a nice surprise.  We had a nice dinner, fun little talent show, and a chance to act out the nativity with cousins.  Lots of fun and important time with family.  We came home feeling really glad we went!  We did it early enough to get home in time to get things wrapped up and under the tree before too late.  We opted to have Santa come with Jammies on Christmas Night since we were not sure when we would be getting home. 

It was fun that Ruby wanted to be my wrapping buddy this year.  She was so helpful! She was also Dallin's shopping buddy so I got some really great stuff in my stocking for the first time ever!  I did something kind of silly but fun.  In November we had studied ancient Africa and African folklore.  My kids loved the story of Anansi the spider and his sons (Road-builder, Stone-thrower, River-Drinker, See-Trouble, Game-Skinner, and Cushion (so soft!) )  My kids had decided who each one would be, etc.  So when I was wrapping their presents, instead of putting a name, I made up an Ashanti name and they had to try to guess who it was for.  Dad was Bread-Winner, I was Home-Maker, Nathan was Friend-Maker, Brandon was Noise-Maker, Ruby was Hair-Winder, Daisy was Baby-Calmer, Simon was Bow-Singer, Sarajoy was Smile-Maker, Sullivan was Ball-Runner, and Corban was Cushion (so soft!).   Yeah, I'm a nerd, but it was fun. 

Christmas Day was really fun, with some great surprises.  We opened gifts by the tree and had breakfast casserole.  Then we opened stockings.  I almost gave away Brandon's gift by putting a charger in his stocking!!  Thankfully I claimed the mistake and he didn't suspect.  I had a gift for each kid hidden in the basement.  We often have hidden gifts by another tree, etc. to make the fun of the gifts stretch throughout the day.  I was wondering if they would ever find the gifts!  Finally, we were all down there watching a movie when someone made the discovery.  Brandon had asked for a leather jacket, an iPhone, and a backpack.  He had already opened the backpack that morning.  I realized one day in December that I had a leather jacket from my sister that was a hand-me-down that I had never worn.  Since I wasn't planning on getting him a jacket, I thought it would be the perfect hiding place for the iPhone.  I found a iphone4 really cheap on Amazon, so I was really excited and wanted him to be surprised.  I was pretty sure he was not really expecting that gift.  So I put the cell phone in the pocket of the jacket and wrapped it up.  I was hoping he would get really excited, put the jacket on, and then put his hand in the pocket.  He DID!  It was just like that, and we got some great shots of his discovery!  Sulli got his much longed for Iron Man suit, Simon got a bunch of Ninjago Lego guys, Daisy got a treehouse for her Calico Critters and Woodzeez,  and Sarajoy got a tea set in a basket.  Ruby's gift was really fun.  She wanted the  entire Harry Potter DVD collection.  I was thinking it would be too expensive, but since she wasn't asking for much else I figured I would just get it.  Then one day I looked on the Amazon deals, and it was only 24.99!  I was pretty excited, and she was excited to get it. Long before Christmas, Nathan had banged up his ukulele and said how much he would like a nicer one.  But when Christmas rolled around, he said not to get him anything and spend the money on the kids (love that kid!).  I went ahead and got him a nicer ukulele and hid it in plain sight.  We have had a really old brown uke for years that doesn't really work very well.  It has kind of just been a toy.  We have it hanging on a hook in our living room.  I took it down and put the new uke up and told Nathan to find his present.  I think we had to give him quite a few clues before he found it.  So fun!  We had some delicious beans cooked with leftover Christmas ham for dinner and made our last minute preparations. 

We left for Idaho very early the next morning in order to make it for the Porter Christmas Party.  Traditional waffles and soufflé for brunch followed by talent show, minute to win it games, and a gift exchange.  We played Joy to the World in 3 parts as a string ensemble. (Plus Dallin on the harmonica!)   Brandon took the bass part on the cello, I played the alto on my violin, Daisy and Simon played the melody, and Sarajoy and Sullivan played along to the rhythm, making it up as they went.  It was really, really fun!  Playing music together has been a highlight of my year and a dream come true that I never thought would happen for our family.   I made some ornaments for my sister Amy that have the different names of the Savior on them.  I printed some of them off of the internet, but used photoshop to make several of my own that I discovered while doing my Book of Mormon challenge earlier in the year.  We gave Brady some disco lights since they have the "party" house.  They came in handy for our New Year's Just Dance party.  So fun!  My sister-in-law Darcie made me a really awesome Logan Temple picture from paper cutouts.  Dallin got a drone from Chris. They also gave us a monopoly card game. We were the recipients of the Grinch Bag, the family gag gift that gets passed around.  I had made some offhand comment at the Sisters' retreat that I had a childhood dream that someone would sing Lionel Richie's "Ballerina Girl" to me.  Kim made my dream come true by having Dallin sing it to me while wearing an amazing black afro.  We also got a Rudolph nose and antlers for our car. 

 We loved staying at Amy and Brady's house again this year.  We learned to play monopoly cards and Zeus on the loose.  We watched Phineas and Ferb and played I Spy in their awesome look-alike Christmas book.  We loved being there for sweet Freya's blessing day and spending some time with Renee's family.  For a day or two, the most amazing ice crystals fell from the sky and gathered on our car and the trees.  It was really relaxing and fun and hard to pack up and come home. 

When we pulled into the driveway on New Year's eve, our good neighbor came right over and invited us to eat and celebrate at their house.  What a blessing!  To come home to an empty cold house with no food and disappointed kids was not pleasant.  We had chosen to come home for the big kids to celebrate with friends and so we would have some time to settle in and take down Christmas before school started again.  It was such a great offering that they would let our whole big family come and eat and play for awhile.  We played some games and ate great food and came home early enough to settle in for the night.  We watched the ball drop in New York and sang some songs and made some noise and threw streamers.  I think we watched a movie, too.  Good times.  We wrapped up our holiday fun by taking everyone to the new Star Wars movie the next day.  We all really enjoyed it, though I was glad I had already seen it with Dallin because I think I ran someone to the bathroom at least 3 times.  Happy, Happy Holidays!

Christmas Treasures

December started off with the Festival of Trees.  My dear friend Elisa invited me to go with her to participate in one of her favorite Christmas traditions.  This year she needed her husband to stay home with the baby so she invited me and another friend, our midwife Roxanna.  The 3 of us enjoyed catching up a little on the hour drive to the event.  I was pretty blown away by the amazing trees and displays that people had donated.  There was also a display of hundreds of gingerbread houses.  It was certainly a festive occasion!  A nice dinner was served to all of the patrons and they had gift shops in addition to the trees that were up for auction.  I chose something in the gift shop for each of the kids and Elisa surprised us by paying for our things at checkout!  What a fun Christmas gift! 

We've been saving all our our candy since Halloween for gingerbread houses.  We got started by making the dough and cutting the houses for our first family activity for the month.  The next week we paired up with a buddy and decorated our houses.  They were really fun!  I found a pattern for a small house online which turned out to be just right since we were making so many.  Sullivan was my buddy.  His favorite part was filling the chimney with various candies.  It was lots of fun and mess and we loved our little gingerbread village that stayed in our kitchen for the whole season.  The big boys were exercising when we called them back upstairs for some pictures, so they thought they'd be funny and not put their shirts back on.  Instead they made them into ninja masks.  The little boys were enthralled with that idea!  Later that night, I stepped out of my room only to find a ninja hovering over my doorway.  Simon had climbed the wall with his ninja mask on.  He was so excited that he "got" me.  Late that night as I went up to bed, I saw 2 little ninjas creeping around their room.  It was pretty cute so I pretended I didn't see and let them stay up.  (That wasn't happening when they tried again the next night, though.)

We had our ward breakfast that first Friday.  The kids were in a little nativity for it.  For some reason, Sarajoy wouldn't participate.  (I suspect she wanted to be Mary and didn't get the part)  After the breakfast, we headed into Payson to a stake center that was hosting a crèche exhibit.  It was really lovely. 

The next Friday was the golden night to get together with our Spanish Fork friends.  Once upon a time we got together with them on an almost monthly basis.  Now we are all in the thick of busy life with big kids that makes it really hard to find a night we can all get together.  We had tried earlier in the year before I had the baby, and there was not a single night that would work.  I was thrilled that we found ONE night in December that worked!  It was a happy, happy night for me to have those good people in our home again.  We had great food, great conversation, played some games, and ended up visiting the Birds' new house just down the road in Payson.  Being with people I love makes the holiday season so much more wonderful!

Time for family pictures.  Ugh.  Is there any way to make this not stressful?  Well, we actually got as close as we possibly could this year.  My friend Marcie offered to take them for us at the park just across the street.  The picture part was pretty quick and painless, even if it was snowy and cold.  She was here for less than an hour.  But getting ready is always so stressful!  Getting all of the outfits clean and together and just right, then getting everyone dressed and hair done but not so early that it gets messed up--it seems like there was too much to do at the very end.  We were 15 minutes late, even though I scheduled it at 3:30pm and worked on it all day!  Thanks to Marcie, they turned out amazing!  She was so quick at the park where we really were freezing.  Then home for a quick outfit change and into the backyard in our Christmas clothes.  Nathan started the whole Santa/Elf thing by going with his friends and getting some plush one-piece Santa jammies.  I realized the little boys already had Santa jammies from last year and Dallin has had a Santa suit for years.  I made a mental note to get a picture of just them sometime during the season.  Then I walked into Shopko one day and saw the funnest elf shirts for me and Ruby.  They also had the Dollie and Me elf jammies for the 2 younger girls.  So I grabbed Brandon some Santa jammies a few days later and we were all set for some sweet North Pole family photos.  Dallin and I laughed that we might be qualifying ourselves for some Awkward Family Photos, but they were a lot of fun and turned out great! (And somehow, in the end I ended up digging in dirty laundry to get one set of elf pajamas that I had missed in all of my preparation.  sigh.)

Brandon decided to participate with Millenial Choirs and Orchestra this semester.  I was really glad he wanted to do it because I have heard such great things about that organization.  He had a wonderful experience, and we were excited for his concert.  But there were a few obstacles to overcome first.  #1: Cost.  The tickets were $30 and we were responsible for 10.  A little fact in the participation agreement I had overlooked.  Thankfully, the grandparents were willing to pay for their own.  We took a deep breath and bought the rest and hoped for the best.  Obstacle #2: No babies allowed.  This would not have been a huge deal if the venue had been closer (over an hour away) or if my older kids didn't all want to come, or if Brandon didn't have to be there 4 hours before the performance started.  Thankfully, the neighbors across the street offered to have the kids for the day.  I was still really worried about being away from my baby for so long. #3:  Sullivan had a fever Sunday night and threw up Monday morning.  I was not quite sure how to deal with this little wrinkle in the plan.  Amazingly, my neighbor's response was: "Of course you are going anyway, we have dealt with sick kids before."  #4: Gigantic snowstorm all day long.  Like, 9" by noon and more coming down.  Like, over 300 accidents on the interstate along the Wasatch front.  We went anyway.  We met my parents in Salt Lake City (about 45 minutes later than planned, but alive) and had dinner at Blue Lemon.  Then we got to walk around Temple Square and see the lights.  They were breathtaking with the inches of newly fallen snow on them.  I loved it!  I have been trying to create an experience like this for my family for years, and my other 2 attempts had been far from what I had imagined.  This was even better.  (Though I could have spent more time there).  I was very impressed and moved by the performance.  It lived up to the price of the tickets and filled my soul!  We got home very late.  I think I had been away from Corban for 10 hours. ( He has not wanted anything to do with strangers since)  He had had a rough time, but was asleep when we got there.  Sullivan had not had any problems.  They were all well cared for.  We were SO grateful! 
Nathan's school Christmas program was that week as well.  It was really well done and inspiring!

One of my very favorite Christmas treasures was having my cousin Debbie and her family stay with us for a few days.  I spent every Christmas of my childhood and a few of my adult life with Debbie's family the Hustons in Arizona.  It was so wonderful to have her and her husband and 4 kids here.  It felt like it was really Christmas!  Her kids luxuriated in the piles of snow in the yard.  Dallin and I luxuriated in having Russ and Debbie to talk and joke with for 2 days.  Russ luxuriated in playing racquetball in our backyard racquetball court!  They were here for the Christmas program in our ward where I sang.  I also taught Relief Society that day, and it was fun to have Debbie in class.  It was a great way to start off official Christmas break!

How It's Been

this post has been milling around in my mind for months.  It is hard to describe how life has been since Corban joined us.  I'm worried that trying to give words to the hardness will create misunderstanding.  I don't want to give people the feeling I am unhappy or that I have any regrets.  I want to be a champion for families and I hate to think of people seeing behind the scenes and thinking "that's not for me", or worse, "that's what you get for having so many kids."  I feel a lot of pressure to put on a happy face and make it all look perfect.

The reality is, this life of mine is perfect.  It is exactly the kind of schooling my person needs to be refined into something better.  But it looks kinda messy.  It feels like waking up to the impossible every day, every minute.  Which means either really exciting or really scary. 

The past few years I have deliberately worked to remove fear from my life.  Because of this I can honestly say this isn't the hardest time of my life.  There have been times that felt heavier than this because I didn't have the  spiritual fortitude to keep out the bad guys.  But I have certainly felt dragged around and beat up by life in the past 6 months.  Waking up to the impossible means I get up and work relentlessly: mentally, physically, and emotionally, and at the end of the day there is so much still left undone, unanswered, or below expectations.  I am constantly dealing with so much input and trying to keep track of so much.  I'm constantly tempted to let the bad guys in who want me to fall into despair and overwhelm.  I'm constantly thinking about ways to improve the management of the household so it will run more smoothly and give me the time and space for things that are missing.  It is hard, hard, work that rarely lets up. 

It leaves me feeling vulnerable. Being A naturally  confident person, this is a new feeling for me.  It is hard for me to feel safe in social situations that normally would be no problem. I have to wonder if people understand the intensity of my life and that certain things just aren't a priority for me anymore.  And it has been hard to write.  I feel so humble and incompetent and, well, just too tired.

But it has been so refining! If anything could rub off my rough edges this would be it. I appreciate the things that I have learned especially my ever-increasing need to rely upon the Lord.  He never fails to come to my aid, not always with answers, but always with peace.

My life is perfectly hard, and perfectly good. By choosing to give life once again  and all of the hard things that go along with that choice, I am finding life more abundantly within myself.

I Need My Mommy!

Before I retire my old phone, I wanted to check for any family history that might be in my text messages.  I found this gem to my mom from 11:27pm on October 27.

We had some stuff going on yesterday that I had forgotten and I was incredibly tired. 

I got in the car this morning (the car that was totaled in July and we just got it out of the shop a couple of weeks ago) and one of the blinkers wasn't working. 
I tried to spend some time with the littles while the big kids were in classes and just felt like nothing was really working out. 

Brandon got invited last minute to a 3 day conference with the charter school so I was trying to process what that would mean.  They want to use the van for it, etc. 

I was getting dinner ready so we could finally watch Cokeville with the kids and the front of my oak drawer fell off and landed in that tender spot at the base of my big toenail. 

I'm also trying to coordinate things for a field trip I am in charge of on Friday.

After the movie I start planning my lesson for co-op tomorrow which is always interesting because I usually need to actually read a little bit without interruption and Dal is always at bishopric on Tuesday nights. The kids suddenly remember they have a homework challenge from co-op last week (I'm the teacher who gave the challenge.  yeah.). So they are melting down trying to do homework at bedtime when the doorbell rings. 

The lady is here to prep Simon for his baptism coming up on Saturday.  She informs me that the baptism is 2 hours earlier than I had planned for and texted everyone about, etc.  It means I have an extra meal to serve because people are staying for Trick or Treating that night. 

I email and text everyone I can think of who is planning to come and sort of finish my co-op lesson while Ruby helps with the baby and keeps asking me if I'm done cause she needs to talk to me. 
We finish homework and get kids off to bed.  Dallin reads me some texts to a girl from Nathan's phone that are eyebrow raisers.  Now Corban is screaming while we drive to Walmart to get supplies for somebody's first female emergency...Yee Haw!

My mom came to the rescue and made 8 pans of funeral sandwiches for the baptism luncheon.  What would I do without her???

What Do I Need?

Sometimes, like today, I think I really need some sleep.  When I don't get enough sleep, my mind and body do funny things.  Sometimes it scares me.

I felt like I needed to be able to put the baby down long enough to eat.  Or use the bathroom.  Not even shower.  That can always wait.

I needed Dallin.  Oh, how I have needed him!  He is just not available.  I know he wants to be.  He is trying so desperately to fit in all the important things of his life.  He needs me to be okay, and I am trying so hard not to need him, but I'm afraid its a little like trying not to eat chocolate...

He spent all night last night preparing to take the girls on a campout tonight.  Nights with a new baby are so hard for me.  I let him sleep, but knowing he is there is still such a comfort.  I hate for him to be gone at night.  It was hard for me to watch him prepare to leave after a hard night and day with the baby.

He asked me if I was okay.  (Ah!  Blessed attention!)  I said no.  We got interrupted by the kids for awhile.  He was on his way out the door and put his arms around me.  "You're not okay. Tell me more."  I got one sentence out about being worried about being alone and feeling neglected when the phone rang.  He answered it.

"You've been in an accident?"

 Who?  I wondered.  His brother that he was meeting at the campout?  Then I knew.  Nathan.  I had sent him to pick up Brandon.  He was driving Big Blue.

He was okay.  Simon was okay.  (I didn't even know Simon had gone.  It had to be Simon, the only child of ours to have been in an accident before.)  I wanted to go to them, but I knew I couldn't.  It would take me too long to get the baby ready to go.

So I finished the smoothie I was making for Simon and shared some with Sulley, the only person I could find in the house.  We each said a little prayer about our smoothies and I had a little cry during my prayer about the accident.

I cuddled my baby and we went outside where Ruby and Daisy joined us.  It was warm and breezy and I thought about our van and that I am glad that if it is totaled it was used for service one last time today.   A neighbor used it to take the Activity Day girls to Colonial Days.  It wasn't so hard to accept the additional burden this will be financially.  Having a teenage driver get in an accident will surely do wonders to our insurance premium.  And what will we ever do about the van?  Our dream car :)  But we were already in a sort of impossible situation, so this makes the miracle that will work things out even bigger, right?

I watched the kitties and Sulley play in the yard and felt the burdens lift.  That had been my prayer, that I would know how to share this burden with the Savior.  I didn't feel so sorry for myself anymore.  I felt happy for my kids being safe, happy that the girls get to camp with their wonderful daddy, happy that I have a velvety soft newborn to smell and cuddle.  It will be okay.

Because all we really need is Jesus.

And I know Him.


...

Watching an Artist at Work

Sometimes we get to meet people who are truly masters of their craft, and it is a joy to watch them work.  It is a privilege to be mentored and served by them.

Since my first experience with a midwife 13 years ago, I have loved midwifery.  Since my first experience with natural childbirth and all of my reading and studying over the years, I have felt called to care for women someday.  I have been thrilled to know several midwives and to be cared for by some very wonderful women.  I have worked with some midwives that I learned a few "what not to do's" from.  But I have always admired and enjoyed being around and learning from midwives.

I was blessed with this pregnancy, however, to witness an artist of midwifery.  My former and beloved midwife having moved too far away, I needed a new midwife.  I had heard that she was good from 3 of my friends, but I had no idea how blessed I would be by her.  I had an idea pretty quickly, though.

A typical prenatal:  First, I was welcomed into her house and offered some kind of food or drink or both.  If the kids were with me, they got hot chocolate.  Then I was offered a seat in a comfy recliner.  While I poured my heart out, she rubbed my feet.  And she was knowledgeable and skilled about reflexology so it was a professional foot rub.  We would talk about life, then talk about the pregnancy.  She would  have good suggestions for vitamins, herbs, or nutrition to help my pregnancy issues, and they were good suggestions!  I tribute the many ways this pregnancy was easier to her knowledge and skills and ability to nurture both emotionally and physically.

Another amazing thing about her was how available she was.  I felt like I could text her anytime and always get a loving response.  And she would  come to me if she could, the way she showed up the day after I found out I was having a boy.  Our paths crossed frequently because our daughters were in some classes together, and she was as delighted to see me as I her and took a few minutes to check up on me.  My kids absolutely loved her and her ability to make a person feel important.  She showed up for me again and again and again (Actually 5 times that last week) when I just needed reassurance, and she stayed with me as long as I needed her.  And she kept coming those couple of rough weeks after the baby, offering genuine care, concern, advice, and time.

At the birth, she was such a pillar of strength.  When Dallin and I watched the birth video, we were both touched by her smiles and nods and quiet encouragement while she carefully and patiently waited for baby and also took care of preparations for the delivery.  Then after the birth, she just sat by my bed, smiling and watching over me and the baby.  Dallin's comment: "What is she doing?  She is just sitting there, watching.  That is so comforting that all of her attention is on you."  I quite agree.  A master at work is not always busy doing.  They take time to watch. And smile.

I always feel better after a conversation with her, even if it is just by text.  I know she is a person with her own family, trials, and heartaches.  It makes me so amazed that she has so much to give and that she gives it so willingly.  I know she has grown accustomed to living on little sleep so she can care for her clients and friends.  I not only feel better after being around her, I want to BE better.  I find myself being more careful with my kids when they come to me with their little troubles.  I stop, hug them, look in their eyes and make sure I stay with them until they are ready for me to move on.

 Because I know how wonderful it feels to be a grown up and have someone do that for me.

It has been a privilege to be cared for by a master artist.

...

Mothered

Now I come to a tribute where my heart just won't fit on paper!

I know what it means to be mothered.

And the older I get, the more I realize what a precious and rare gift that is.  I took it for granted that everyone was treated with unconditional love and kindness as a child.  I took it for granted that every woman would want her mother near as she gave birth and during the days following.  But I know women who have not been mothered, and I ache for them as they bring their babies into the world and struggle to figure it out on their own.  Because I have experienced something beautiful and different.

Always I want my mother with me during birth.  Strangely, it has not happened that way most of the time.  With Nathan, she was running my baby shower!  In those pre-cell phone days, it was impossible to let people know that I had gone into labor, so they had the shower without me.  She rushed up to the hospital to take some videos of me and the baby to show the ladies at the shower.  With Brandon, she was taking care of Nathan.  Ruby's she missed just by a little as they had decided to go up to Palmyra for the Hill Cumorah Pageant.  They got back into town just after she was born.  Daisy was my first home birth, and she was there!  Also with Simon she was able to attend.  With Sarajoy she had to go home because my dad had an accident with a table saw and she had to be there for his surgery.  She was home for less than 24 hours before she turned around and drove back.  She got to my house and sat down to read a story to someone and she heard the baby's first cry.  Similarly, with Sullivan, she was helping get my little ones out the door with a friend when she heard that cry.

This time, I was determined she would not miss it.  And she didn't.  I love having her share that most sacred and precious experience with me.  This time she helped me get the bed ready, she helped warm water to fill the birth pool, she fed me ice chips and was just there, doing whatever was needed.
But that is how she always is!  Somehow when I have a baby, she manages to take care of me, the baby, and my entire household efficiently and cheerfully.  My meals are brought to me in bed for as long as I need to stay there, and they are always well prepared and delicious.  I'm regularly brought nice things to drink like juice over ice chips, and my water bottle is rarely empty.  When I have needed help in the bathroom or shower, she is there supporting me.  When I just need a couple of hours of sleep in a row, she will snuggle the baby for me--day or night!  When my other kids are stir-crazy or need attention, she reads to them or takes them on an outing.  And my big kids don't know what to do because their chores seem to always be done.  The laundry is not just clean, but put away! The dishes are always done.  She is content to be company for me when I need it, or to just work quietly on her own things so I can rest.  She will help me take baby to the doctor or send Dallin and I on an expense-paid date if I am up to it.  And when she leaves, my fridge and pantry are always well stocked with food.

And when she leaves, I always cry.

Not because I don't think I can manage without her.  She is so careful to leave me well prepared for the transition ahead.  But because I am so full of love and awe at her ability to care for me and my family.  Because I know how my children will miss her.  Because I miss her friendship and love and attention.  Because I am inspired by her ability to lose herself in service.  Because I wish every woman could be so mothered!

This time I was trying so hard to be brave.  I made it through the hugs and the goodbyes and the waving the car off.  But as soon as I got back to my room, I had a good cry.  I thought I had gotten it out of my system until that night.  The house was quiet and the kids were in bed and I crept down to take my vitamins and her place where she'd sat on the couch working was empty and I completely lost it.  I realized I slept my time with her away.  I needed the sleep, but I didn't get much of a chance to spend time with her like I normally do after a baby.  And when I came back to my room bawling, Dallin knew exactly why.  He won't ever cry, but I think his heart was bawling too.  She mothers her sons-in-law so respectfully that they don't want her to leave either.

It leaves me with a feeling of great responsibility.  I know I can never repay that kind of service, but I hope I can be that kind of mother.

Writing My Heart

I know how much I NEED to write right now.  But I noticed an unfamiliar feeling as I felt prompted to quit wasting time on facebook and start working on the posts that have been swirling around my mind for the past few weeks.  It was fear.  Fear?  Why would I be afraid to do something I love so much, something that always helps me put life in perspective and sometimes, I like to think, it even helps someone else?

I think it is because after childbirth, my heart is WIDE open and overflowing.  I'm afraid I won't be able to fit it on paper, that I won't be able to do justice to what I have experienced.  My words won't be adequate, but my heart demands that I try.

Now I Know Him!

The wait is over!  I got to meet my little Corban.  He was born the morning of June 15.  9lb 4oz

Sure on This Shining Night: A Birth Journey

Sure On This Shining Night

Sure on this shining night
Of star made shadows round,
Kindness must watch for me
This side the ground.
The late year lies down the north.
All is healed, all is health.
High summer holds the earth.
Hearts all whole.
Sure on this shining night

I weep for wonder wand'ring far
alone
Of shadows on the stars.

--James Agee

(Composed by Samuel Barber, performed by Sarah Millington)

The shining nights.  Though I slept better this pregnancy than the last, there were still some nights I spent awake with the moon and my thoughts and my prayers.  I made the best of them, praying for rest or at least the strength to endure whatever was keeping me awake.  Usually it was an itchy, restless feeling.  A couple of nights during my last month it was mild contractions.  Looking out a window at the "star made shadows", opening the front door for a breath of mountain air and a look at the moon-- the gift of those nights was time.  I had time to think, to really listen to my thoughts.  Time to not think, to just be still.  When I let go the thoughts that I should be sleeping, I could embrace the beauty of a shining night.  It was good practice, for it took several shining nights for my son to make his entrance into this world.

On Monday the 8th, it was hard to not feel disappointed that my labor had not started the night before.  I spent the morning at the temple, trying  to make the best of it.  I started having back pains on the way home, but didn't feel they were worth mentioning to my midwife who was with me.  They continued through the day along with a headache and fluttery heart.  The midwife came that night for a prenatal, and I was so glad to see her!  She listened carefully to my concerns and gave me some supplements to help with the elevated heart rate she noticed in both me and the baby.  Though I normally don't get checked, she and I both felt like it was the right thing.  My cervix was high, but soft.  Baby's head would float away at her touch.  Several hours after the rest of the family, I was finally able to settle in bed and sleep.

On Tuesday the 9th, the contractions started at 11pm, 10 minutes apart, then 5. This seemed like a familiar beginning of labor!  I didn't mention anything to Dallin, but felt hopeful as he drifted off to sleep.  Each contraction was welcomed and timed with excitement.  I was lying on the couch, trying to catch some rest between them.  I was visualizing the baby moving down as I breathed in, and myself opening up as I breathed out.  But after 3 hours, nothing had changed. I put away my contraction timing app and tried to focus more on resting.  The contractions were just strong enough to wake me, and still coming at 5 minute intervals.  I got on my hands and knees and rocked for a few minutes.  I knew it was normal for the baby to be sleeping at that time, but the lack of movement still made me feel unsettled.  I wondered about his position, and I remembered his heart had been a little fast.

I was not excited to disturb my midwife when I was so obviously not in active labor, but I did not want to ignore a feeling to check on the baby, either.  I decided to text her and let her know what was going on.  I hoped that by texting her I would not wake her, but that she would see it when she woke. And "kindness watched for me" as she came and ministered to me.  The baby was fine.  He was no longer posterior and my cervix was stretchy and low!  So at least that long shining night was productive.  She offered to stay, but I was ready to try for more sleep and I did not want to use her kindness up before the real thing.  Her attention and understanding that night soothed a part of my heart that had been tender for years.  "All is healed, all is health."  She left early the morning of my due date.  As I went up to bed, I had a very strong contraction that took my breath away and woke up Dallin.  He came rushing to me in the hall, and was very surprised that I had been awake all night and had just sent the midwife home.

I carried that healed feeling of light and love through the day.  I thought about how the Savior requires a broken heart as our offering.  I thought of how my heart had felt broken Monday morning when things did not go my way.  I thought about how allowing myself to feel the broken heart without bitterness towards Him made it possible for Him to help me let go of a painful experience from my past and forgive the person associated with it.  "Hearts all whole".

Friday night.  The ideal timing was slipping away from me.  I really wanted to be completely okay with letting things unfold in God's timing, but my heart was breaking once again.  My big boys were getting ready to leave for a week.  Could I really be okay with them missing it?  I felt I should ask for a blessing.  When Dallin came in after some time outside pondering, he said he felt he should give me a blessing.  I shared that I had the same feeling.  I was surprised when he blessed me that labor would start immediately.  I was worried about being disappointed if it didn't.  It did, though.  I spent another shining night alone, this time with contractions and a terrible headache that left me completely dependent on God and the angels to bear me through it.  Again the kindness came in the morning, this time I woke Dallin as the midwife came to check me.  A little progress, but not much.  I prayed for the strength to not cry all day.  I like to think I had an angel there to help keep the tears back so they wouldn't come and make my headache worse.  I was worn down by the process of surrender.  Again the broken heart, but by Saturday evening, all was healed and whole.  It was miraculous how full of light I felt as I prepared for another night.  I read all of my kids' birth stories and was so thankful to have recorded them.  So many things I had forgotten!  One in particular became very important.


Saturday night.  It happened!  The first "real" contraction!  I knew it had to be it!  It was so much stronger than any of the other contractions I had felt.  They came regularly and were welcomed every  10 minutes or so.  Two hours later, they were still going strong, but not getting closer together.  I texted the midwife.  She came right over and suggested we get things set up.  Dallin filled the pool.  She called her assistant and began making preparations.  She got me in a position to help the baby move over and down.  It was not comfortable, but I stayed there for hours.  I was hopeful because the contractions got a little closer and stronger.  Then I couldn't stand it, I had to move.  I got up and sat on the birth ball.  Everything was ready.  Did I need anything?  No...you can all sleep awhile.  They all slept while I used up the last of my energy to will a few more contractions.  

I tiptoed outside into the summer dawn to see if walking would help.  I started pulling weeds and then realized it was Sunday.  I probably shouldn't pull weeds on Sunday, I thought.  And who was I kidding?  The sun was coming up, and once again, my labor was gone.  I woke my midwife, feeling completely humiliated and defeated.  She checked me only to find little progress and a very posterior baby!  I was at least able to smile as I listened to the song that came up on my birth playlist.  It was me, singing in concert with the university orchestra when I was 8 months pregnant with Nathan. The pool was drained and deflated and the midwives went home.  I was exhausted and embarrassed for putting everyone to so much trouble.  The kids were up getting ready for church and I was once again trying to sleep.  Dallin got sent home from Bishopric meeting to spend the day with me.

We cuddled into bed, grateful for an empty house as my mom took the kids to church.  Soon after we fell asleep, however, I had a terribly strong contraction.  I called out, half asleep, "No! I just want to sleep!"  For the first time, I did not want to be in labor.  I was just too tired.  And nothing was ready.  It had all just been put away!  A few more of those big contractions made me realize that my nap was not to be.  I got up and watched a movie with Dallin.

The show was actually quite moving and we were both touched by the message.  My heart was swollen as I pulled out a pen and paper to write letters for my big boys to open at youth leadership camp.  My love for them seemed as powerful as it has ever been.  My eyes overflowed as I wrote to Nathan about that shining night 17 years ago with the orchestra.  The kids came into our room as they returned from church.  We visited with them a little before they left to change and eat.  Grandma must have worked some magic next because the house became quiet, and Dallin and I both fell into a deep and blessed sleep.

Thee hours later I awoke.  I was at the bottom of my ideal timing agenda.  Brandon had returned to join Nathan at the camp.  We were down to Dallin having just one free day left.  My  best friend would be leaving for vacation in the morning.  I went downstairs to find that the kids had headed across the street for the weekly neighborhood gathering.   "High summer held the earth."  I ate a late dinner and had a nice quiet visit with my mom.  I returned to my room awhile later, feeling weak and shaky.  The kids piled into our room for prayers and scriptures.  They lingered later than usual to talk, and it was enjoyable and special.  I recalled a similar evening the night I went into labor with Ruby.  I tidied up and showered and made myself ready for another shining night.  

I spent some time processing thoughts in my journal.   

First, I needed to get off my chest some less than helpful comments made by others.  That led to thoughts about the baby.  I had done my best to surrender to the possibility of an undesirable outcome, and I wondered if something was wrong.  I was not afraid, but felt the need to brace myself as I had done during my labor with Sullivan.  And I needed Dallin to know.  I finished writing and asked for some attention.  I shared my heart with him and all of those sobering thoughts about the baby.  I shared my realization that when he blessed me, my body responded immediately, but for some reason the baby didn't.  Time and again as I was checked his head would float away.  Why?  I knew that was what was needed to progress.  Was he afraid, or was it something physical?  His cord?  Our hearts became whole once again as they united in submission and in a decision to bless our baby through me.  After the blessing we started a show.  Contractions started slmost immediately, stronger than ever.  It was 12:57 on our clock.

I did not get very far into that movie before I asked Dallin to go prepare the birth pool again.  I continued to watch it for a time before I turned it off.  I walked around some, which I have not done before during labor.  It seemed to ease the contractions.  I used the birth ball as well.  I was avoiding my bed, which is where I have always labored.  I was breathing deeply through contractions, but found that the full extension of my diaphragm made them hurt more so I let up on that.  They became 5 minutes apart within an hour.  I was determined not to call the midwife until they stayed that way for an hour.  I went down to ask my mom for some help with the bedding and I heard Sullivan crying in the big boys' room.  I sent a Dallin to him while my my mom and I prepared the bed with a plastic liner and extra sheets.  It had only been 30 minutes and I was feeling pretty ready to get in the pool.  I did not want to do that without my midwife here to check my progress.  I sent mom to heat water on the stove in case we ran out, and I called the midwife.  "I need you," was all I could say as I worked through a contraction.  I texted my friends and the girl who was going to come do photos.  I knew it was a long shot for any of them to make it at 2:30 am.  

The midwife arrived quickly, happy to see me again.  I was so happy to see her and so happy that I was progressing.  6 plus was the verdict, along with an okay to get in the pool.  It felt wonderful to be in the warm water.  The assistant arrived and all worked together to finish filling it and getting it to temperature.  I spent the time during contractions on my hands and knees with someone bathing my face with ice water or feeding me ice chips.  Kindness watched for me some more. In between I sat back and rested, sometimes even dozing off for a moment.  My focus during the contractions was one of submission.  "It's okay, feel it."  I would allow myself to let go and experience the pain.  And it WAS okay!  It was not so bad when I wasn't fighting it, and I knew it would end and give me a break.  I was tired, but excited for this to really be happening. 

 According to my previous experiences, the next thing I would be feeling was a desire to bear down a little at the end of each contraction.  When that feeling began, I wondered if my excitement and fatigue were tricking my mind. Though I was not watching a clock, I knew I had not been in the pool for very long. It seemed too soon.  As the feeling continued and intensified, I knew it would be better to use the bathroom sooner than later. Dallin recognized it as a last chance for my friends and called them again.  Elisa answered and was on her way.  I remember standing by the toilet, knowing that position would intensify things, willing myself to sit down.  Once I was there, I wasn't sure how to get off.  I stayed for several contractions, grunting and moaning until my midwife gently suggested it was time to get off.  I remembered reading that during Ruby's birth, the midwife suggested that I use gentle pushes. I tried it.  These gentle grunts and moans at the peak of contractions felt good.  Once again I gathered courage to move back to the pool.  I had imagined and hoped this baby would be born in water, and I sensed I was close to the final stretch.  But once I got in again, I was hot and uncomfortable.  I couldn't figure out a manageable position for the hard pushing I was used to.  I needed the familiar, so I asked for help to my bed.  

On my bed, I stayed on my side for a few contractions.  Things were so intense, and I was so tired.  I was ready to be done with this work and meet my baby.  Elisa came. It was around 4am, but I didn't know it.  I had only been in t he pool for about an hour.  I knew if I worked with the contractions and pushed hard, my baby would be here in minutes.  I have never, even with my first, had a second stage longer than 20 minutes.  I got into the familiar knees/chest position that had worked many times before and pushed through a couple of contractions.  It was an obviously different experience.  This position was not going to work.  Delivery was still "lying down the north", far away.  I got up on my hands, hoping that it would add a measure of gravity.  "It is okay to use gentle pushes," said a voice in my head. I would go with it for a couple of contractions because it felt so much better, but then I would begin to doubt and try another fruitless hard push.  During one of those, I felt the familiar burning and stretching that normally would have driven me to push harder and get it over with.  But I just couldn't.  I was relieved to feel the baby slip back in and I knew I could not do another hard push like that without breaking myself in two.  But wasn't that intense pushing what I was supposed to do?  That is how the others had come.  "Gentle pushes, Sarah."

I had imagined delivering in a more upright position in the pool, and my body was still craving that experience.  But I was beyond my ability to move that far.  Instead, I kneeled up straight, supported on one side by a midwife and on the other by Dallin next to me on the bed.  I was facing my yellow curtained window where morning light was glowing through.  Labor took a long pause while I soaked in that "star-made" light, which I imagined to be the powers of heaven.  I tried to find courage while I continued gentle pushes at the end of each contraction.  I could not quite fight off the fear that I was fooling myself, that these gentle pushes were actually holding the baby in, that I was going to have to be carried out on a stretcher for someone else to get this baby out because all I had left in me were gentle pushes.  I relaxed a little, back onto my fists.  I felt my water release, but still felt no encouragement that my seemingly wimpy efforts were doing anything but relieving the pain of my contractions.  

I still had no idea what time it was, but I knew the 20 minute mark was long past.  I was beginning to feel pretty desperate.  All this time Dallin had been by my side, encouraging me.  As I tried to listen to the voice suggesting gentle pushes, I had to quiet his voice telling me how strong I was.  The two were too conflicting.  Of course he respected my wishes and offered his own quiet strength, which I relied heavily upon.  This time he felt more connected and involved than he ever has.  I felt that we were truly doing this together.  I remember looking into his eyes for strength, resting my forehead against his forehead, pressing my face on his shoulderor his soft arm.  Moving slowly, thinking slowly, my mind was "wandring far alone".

The midwife had a suggestion. "After the next contraction, I want you to lift up your right leg to see if it will open you up more.

"Yes, of course," I thought as the idea slowly registered in my brain.
But I forgot how to move.
"And when is the next contraction?
Will it have an end?
And won't it hurt terribly to open so much?...
   Gentle pushes."

As I slowly thought this through, a sound of surprise and the word "head" came from the midwife.  And before I had a chance to fully register that word, a gentle push produced the word "cord", and then " hand" and I felt the blessed release.
And heard a cry.  

Sure.  Finally sure.  On the shining dawn after many shining nights.

It was 4:57 am, exactly 4 hours since my first contraction, and an hour after I started pushing.  I lifted my leg to turn over, anxious to meet my boy.  "Wait, Sarah, he isn't out yet." But with another little push he was out and in my arms, lying beside me.  "I didn't know who you were, but now I do!" I exclaimed joyfully as I met the living and breathing, tiny but chubby Corban Royal.  "It worked!  I can't believe it worked!  The Spirit told me to use gentle pushes and it worked!"  

I wept for wonder.

"Yes, it did," smiled the midwife.

...

The Waiting Game

I don't think there is any part of pregnancy that I dread as much as the last several weeks.  The time of waiting.  I tried really hard to stay above it this time, mostly by trying not to think about it.

The strange thing is, it is also the most exciting part of pregnancy.  It is the part I mourn the most when it is over.  I love the anticiaption and the preparation.  And I love giving birth.  I experience a true sense of loss when the experience is over.  Every time.

The hard part is not knowing just when it will actually happen and worrying about the outcome.  It is so incredible to feel that little person inside all wiggly and alive and want desperately to see them in person all wiggly and alive.  But I know that is not guaranteed. And the longer the pregnancy goes, the harder it is to feel confident that all will be well.  Submitting to that possibility is difficult.

Twice in May I found myself feeling so joyful and energetic and thankful.  I was thankful that I had not had a lot of practice contractions.  I didn't feel like I was constantly wondering, "is this it??", so I could more joyfully experience and prepare during the wait.  The funny thing is, on both of those occasions where I was feeling so blessed to not have had a lot of contractions, I spent the following night awake with contractions and discomfort!

I think I did a pretty good job of waiting this time.  There were certainly times where I felt discouraged and so tired, but I felt that I could always find something to look forward to in the next day.  I was able to get up and do it.  I spent a lot of time in the garden or doing a work project at the neighbor's with the kids.  I did some sewing and decorating in my room. I focused on doing some school activities with my younger kids and tried to fill their tanks by working and playing with them.  I spent a day making 24 freezer meals with my mother in law.  I was even able to do a bit of service for neighbors. I did cleaning and organizing around my house.  I watched home movies and specifically the births and first few days of my kids' lives.  I went to the temple.  When my mom got here, we went shopping and looked at houses for my brother who is moving to the area.

I tried really hard not to get my heart set on a certain date.  In fact, I made myself think of June 24th everyday.  My 42 week mark.  I had to make myself willing to go to that date, but it didn't work that well.  After all, I am a planner and an idealist, so I can't help but think of perfect timing.

The first magic date was June 5th.  Nathan's birthday and the first of 10 days Dallin would have off work.  It would be tricky for my mom to get here from a conference she had that week, and I would miss the Payson Temple celebration and dedication, but it was still a great day to have a baby.  I was okay when it came and went because the next day was the temple celebration, and I am glad I got to see the kids perform in it with 13,000 other youth from our area.  Even if I did have to stand under the stadium for 2 hours while it poured rain before they could let the show begin.  And I really didn't want to miss the dedication because Dallin and I had tickets to be actually inside the temple during one of the sessions.  But that night, the 7th, would have been just about perfect!  We would still get a full week of Dallin being home!  It was not to be, and I admit, I wept a little weep that next day because I was disappointed.  But I looked ahead and thought of June 24th and also thought of the due date, June 10th.  My mom would be finished with her conference that day.  Wouldn't it be perfectly perfect?  I have a post for how that day came and went.  I panicked a little when we got to the end of the week and the ideal window was closing.  My oldest boys were leaving on Saturday for a week of leadership camp.  My best friend was leaving Monday for vacation and I was hoping she could be there, and Dallin was down to just a couple more days until he had to return to work.  It didn't make sense, and it was very hard to submit to, but I did.  I made my best effort to turn it over to the Lord and He removed the bitterness.  That was a triumph for me because it required some letting go--some opening of my heart and hands to things that were less than ideal and trusting that it would be exactly the experience I needed.  I think I have been able to submit to a lot of things, but it was special to have those moments where I felt the bitterness of disappointment removed.

The date was not ideal.  But it was okay.  I opened my heart to learning what God wanted me to learn, and I learned.  I had a beautiful birth experience, and, as always, it was worth the wait.

Due Date: Power, Love, and a Sound Mind

"God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

2 Timothy 1:7

I feel very blessed that God has granted me this spirit.  It was good for me to write out my fears and concerns.  I felt His influence sustaining me in a miraculous way as I endured a very difficult night.  I have felt the hands of heaven sustaining me throughout this day as well.

Power:

I was able to spend the morning getting all of my vegetable garden planted.  I also weeded a good portion of the raspberry patch.  I rested a little in the afternoon, but was able to mostly stay busy and active.  I was given the power to endure, welcome and encourage contractions that kept me awake all night long.  I was granted the power to let people know when I needed their help.  I was granted the power to seek for and imagine heavenly hands sustaining me when the restlessness seemed more than I could bear.  

Love:

I felt love and hope and connection with Corban as I labored through the night.  I felt love from the midwife as she ministered to me early in the morning.  I felt love knowing that the experience was helping our bodies prepare for birth whenever that may be. I felt love from my mom as she enquirer about the situation.  I felt love from my friend as she checked up on me and offered to spend the afternoon here.  I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day, but holding her newborn daughter was the perfect way to spend it.  She also blessed me with some fun and generous baby gifts.  I felt love for Dallin as I let him sleep while I labored.

Sound mind:

It is no secret that this waiting type of trial can be so emotionally traumatic for me.  I have feared this time through my whole pregnancy.  Yet when false labor threw its all at me for 7 hours and then stopped for the whole day, I was able to feel a calm excitement for most of the day.  When thoughts of fear or discouragement would well up, I felt the power of a sound mind chasing them away.  I feel full of hope and calmness and a growing willingness to wait as long as it takes.

Reflections on the Third Trimester

Refreshing.  It was so refreshing to be able to be at the end!  I was big and heavy, but it was so fun to feel my active little baby and wonder and wonder about him.  It was so fun to arrive at the point where my midwife appointments were closer together.  I had hard times, especially at night when my whole body would start to itch.  It seemed the more tired I was, the harder it was to fall asleep.  I got through it with good vitamins, distractions, and lots of prayers.  My main distraction was books.  I got through a lot of books this trimester!  How fun!

I spent Spring Break with my mom.  We made some baby blankets that really got me excited.  I came home with energy and excitement, ready to prepare for a new baby!  I washed and folded clothes and blankets.  I cleaned and organized my room and baby's.  I organized other parts of the house and got the kids summer clothing switched out.  I made the cutest little blessing outfit! 

The emotional turmoil cleared up for the most part.  I had some parenting triumphs.  I found it easier to reach out and serve my neighbors and love and be around people.  The transition of the bishopric calling became easier as well. 

I had a fun third trimester.  Even as the due date drew near, it was exciting to tell people, "I feel better than I remember feeling this far along!"  I was gardening and sewing and cleaning and resting when I needed to.  It was great to have most of our school activities come to an end during April and May.  It gradually gave me more time to enjoy the projects and preparations. 

My third trimester was a tender mercy.

Look!

As I read through 1st Nephi for the sixth time this year, I was struck by an answer Nephi received.  It was particularly moving to me being in my last month of pregnancy.  It has made having this painting in my bedroom even more meaningful.

Nephi was having a vision because he had asked to see and understand the things his father Lehi had seen in a dream.  One of those things was the tree of life.  Nephi wanted to know what the meaning of the tree was.  He asked the Spirit who was his companion during the vision for the meaning.  Instead of telling Nephi what the meaning of the tree was, the Spirit said, "Look!"

Nephi looked, and this is what he saw:



And he knew.  It is the Love of God. 


Womankind, Look!  You are the tree of life.  A little child being loved in your arms may be all a lost or questioning person may need in their life to know the Love of God. 

God sent a baby as His ultimate act of love for his children.

God still sends babies to teach the world what love is really all about.

Bishopric

We learned 2 Sundays ago that our beloved bishop would be moving across the country to a better climate for his health.  I am excited for his family and their new adventure, but they are our neighbors and will be greatly missed!  Bishoprics change periodically in our church anyway, and he had already served for over 4 years, but knowing a change is coming is always a little exciting and nerve-wracking.  It is SUCH a big job to be a bishop, and it is all volunteer time. 

Dallin and I went to ward temple night on Wednesday and came home to some excitement from the kids.  The whole stake presidency had shown up at our house while we were gone.  "Just in the neighborhood and wanted to get to know us better."  so they said.  Apparently they stood on our doorstep for quite some time, asking many questions about our family and Dallin in particular.  The kids thought it was kind of exciting, but didn't think too much of it until we reminded them that we were expecting a new bishopric soon.  None of us expected that the change would happen so quickly as we know that the bishop still has to get his house ready to sell.  Late that evening, we got a call from the Stake Presidency asking us to come for an interview the following evening.

So we had a whole day to mull over what might be in store.  We were both pretty concerned about the calling of bishop, and didn't feel ready for it.  It was a good possibility, though, especially with the personal visit our family received the evening before.  I was mainly concerned with supporting Dallin in a position that would put him in a public spotlight that would be extremely uncomfortable for his very private nature.  I knew that whatever service we were asked to give, the Lord would give us the tools and strength to rise to the challenge. 

We finally got to the office and Dallin was asked to accept a position as 2nd counselor in our new bishopric.  They expressed concern and thoughtfulness of my pregnancy and offered us some time to consider if there was a reason it would be too much of a burden for our family.  I think we were both pretty relieved that it was not bishop, so 2nd counselor seemed just fine.  They took us into the next room to meet the new bishop without telling us beforehand who he was.  We were delighted to see our friend and neighbor with his wife.  Dallin had worked a lot with Andy May in scouting, and it was a sweet experience to sit with that couple for a few minutes and talk about the new responsibilities while we waited to meet the 1st counselor.  Interestingly enough, Dallin had had an impression that morning that he would be working with Brother Waite.  I had had an impression just minutes before of the same thing while we were talking to the Stake Presidency.  It was neat to have that impression confirmed when he and his wife walked in the room.  We all received some council and visited together and were asked not to share the news except with family that might want to come. 

Three days later, I found myself a little more anxious than usual about getting everyone ready for church on time.  Dallin's parents and nephew Ben stopped by and then headed up to the church.  A few minutes later my parents stopped by.  They had driven over 3 hours to be with us even though they knew they would not be able to stay for very long.  The meeting was really touching as love and appreciation were expressed for our old bishopric and encouragement and support offered for the new bishopric.  After the old bishopric each said a few words, our new bishop got up and promptly shattered the ice by telling about how he had a hangover when the stake presidency contacted him.  He meant jet lag, but the congregation roared with laughter at the mistake.  I think it helped everyone feel more at ease, though I fear he will never live that one down.  Many of our youth got up and bore testimonies as well as kind words about the change. 

After the meeting, we were asked to gather in a room for the ordinations and settings apart of the new bishopric.  Dallin had asked his dad to ordain him to the office of a high priest so he would be able to be set apart in the bishopric.  The blessing that was given to him was very touching and showed an incredible amount of love and confidence from his dad.  I think that experience will be cherished forever by Dallin and a great strength to their relationship.  His blessing from President Linford as 2nd counselor was also very beautiful and encouraging.  It was a powerful morning. 

I did not expect it to be a big deal for me.  I have gotten used to sharing Dallin with the scouts as he has served in scouting for probably 12 of the 17 years we've been married.  I've gotten used to him being gone and have learned to appreciate the privilege it is to be married to somebody so dedicated to the Lord.  I have had plenty of Sundays where I came home alone with the kids and didn't see him much.  He has spent full weeks at Scout camps and had many many overnighters.  I have learned to find things I love to do and enjoy that I can feed the kids cereal and toast and have some "me" time. 

But when I got home from church on Sunday, it felt different.  I felt a loss and a loneliness that seemed to come from nowhere.  I felt the weight of responsibility I have to make my home a sanctuary for him when he is able to be here.  I felt the possibility that he would be weighed down with things he couldn't talk with me about and I wouldn't be able to help him.  I mostly felt that I had offered my friendship with him over to the ward and to the Lord and that I missed him terribly. 

It has been a hard transition.  I can't exactly put my finger on why.  It is not so much the time he is away from the family or any tangible thing.  It is just a feeling that we are yet again in transition and that there are new things to get used to.  It is a feeling that things are different but we don't know exactly how.  The weight of responsibility is real, and we both feel it, and we both know it will be a good thing and will keep us turning to the Lord for strength and peace.  I have definitely felt that feeling of transition and gloominess and loneliness these past few days, but I know it will be all right!

I felt my emotions surfacing this afternoon and feel completely physically and emotionally exhausted.  I'm grateful I could spend some time writing and clear my mind a bit.  I read in the scriptures today that all things are written by God, and it made me glad to know that He is a writer too.  No wonder it is so therapeutic.

...

The Challenge

I finished the first round of my Book of Mormon challenge in 20 days!  It was very exciting!  I found that reading through that quickly made the story line more easy to follow, and interesting things jumped out at me that I had never considered before.  It was especially sacred finding the names of the Savior, discovering the truthfulness that the book is truly a testament of Him.  After I finished, I wrote all of the names I found in my journal.  There were 133 different titles! 

The second time, I highlighted the actual words of the Savior in a new color.  This was also special and interesting as it helped me understand the Isaiah passages better than I ever have.  I love having those words highlighted in yellow forever to alert me to pay attention to His voice. 

I will add to this post as I finish the next readings.  I am 3 days away from the 3rd reading.  It is exercise: spiritually, mentally, and physically as it is still hard to stay awake sometimes.  I love that it has become a habit for me to sit up in bed as soon as I wake and begin my study.  Often Sullivan joins me on my bed when he wakes up.   It usually takes me about an hour to get through 26 pages a day.  This time through, I am highlighting the attributes or characteristics of Christ.  It has been more difficult because they are not as common as the other two topics.  It has made me anxious and excited to study other things, find answers to questions that have come up, take another serious try at the Bible and other scriptures, and for sure write more about what I learn.  I look forward to being done with the challenge so I can delve into some new things, but I am so grateful for what I am learning and how it is changing me. 

Round 4 will be highlighting the commandments and principles of the gospel.  I really enjoyed this time because there was a lot of marking to do.  It is another testament of His love that he has so many instructions for us. 

Round 5 will be highlighting the promises and blessings that come from following the commandments.  This round was so joyful!  What a happy way to end.  Our Lord truly loves to bless us and truly desires for us to be his! 

I did it!  And I finished each round in 20-21 days!  It was a wonderful experience.  My understanding of the message and purpose of the book has grown, and I am beginning to understand the gathering of Israel.  I probably have more questions now than ever, but it is exciting!

I'm glad I took the challenge!

Musical March Birthdays

We had to change up our birthday celebrations a bit.  Years ago, we decided we were done with traditional friend birthday parties and would rather spend the money on a family activity.  It has been a good tradition.  Unfortunately it has gotten too expensive, and we are trying so hard to make ends meet these days that we knew we needed to scale down. 

We decided we would do one present, they still get to choose the meals we have at home that day, and we will still do a family activity, but it can't cost money. 

Brandon gave me a couple of ideas for his birthday present.  I wasn't too keen on either of them, to be honest.  He has been practicing piano songs for years, hoping to learn enough hymns that I would consider letting him learn the cello.  He is pretty close, and I thought I would way rather spend the money on that and have it be a big surprise than purchase one of the other things he wanted.  (A cell phone or a leather jacket)  But I had seen the price tag on the cellos at the music store, and knew it was not going to be in budget.  I thought maybe I would rent one for awhile, but picking up a new monthly bill was not an exciting prospect either.  I started looking online and found a used cello being sold by a music teacher at a much more reasonable price.  Dallin and I talked it over and decided it was a good idea, and we could use some tax return money to cover what would be over our birthday budget.  My parents also agreed to go in on it as their gift to him.  So I drove out and bought him a cello, and it was painful keeping that surprise for the next several days.  I hid it at our neighbors so he would not suspect at all. 

My parents came into town that weekend to meet my sister for some stuff at BYU.  We decided to make Erin's rugby game our family activity for Brandon's birthday celebration.  Knowing we'd be gone most of the day, we had presents with our breakfast of Bagels and mangos and kiwis.  I had him open some cello song books for his gift.  Then the kids brought the cello down, and he was so surprised and excited!  It was really fun.  He has been working hard to get his muscles strong enough for a good bow hold and is starting to make some sounds now.  We had a wonderful day with my parents and two of my sisters and their families.  We watched the Rugby game, got some pizza, and saw the premiere of a movie that my nephew is in.  It was a really great day.  We were all so tired when we got home that we decided to postpone the abelskiver dinner he wanted for the next day, which was actually his birthday.  After church I got to work making abelskivers for the first time in my life.  They are round, hollow pancake balls that you can fill with fruit and other things.  We had a good variety of fruit and some delicious fresh cream from raw milk to top them with. 

I guess the cello sort of gave me a theme for our other 2 birthdays.  I wasn't sure what to give Sullivan for his birthday.  He's been waiting for his birthday to "come up" for months, telling everyone that he is 3 already.  Not till March 15th, buddy!  I talked to him about presents and he told me he already got a cape and a sword and a belt (Christmas).  Pretty sweet that he didn't feel the need for anything else.  We have so many toys, and I didn't want to get him something just to get him something.  Then I remembered how much he has been interested in Simon's violin lessons, sitting with my through them and having me use his arm for my violin.  He knows all of the rhythms to the songs Simon has practiced, and will often take a couple of spoons or other toys and put them up to his chin to make a violin.  I found a cute, tiny, cheap violin on the internet.  I know it is not a quality instrument, but it is so cute!  I had to pound the pegs pretty good with a hammer to keep the strings tuned at all, but it is perfect for him!  It has a case and rosin just like Simon's and he knows just what to do.  When he opened it, he said, "A little fiolin, just for me!"  I need to get him a shoulder rest so he can hold it right, and then I think I can go along with the Suzuki method that Simon has learned this year.  It is so cute when he gets it out to practice with Simon.  When I asked about his cake, he said he wanted a green cake with strawberries on it.  Sweet.  I love simple.  I dyed the batter green and made a big sheet cake.  When Nathan got it out of the oven, he said it looked like a monster.  That added to Sulley's imagination, so he said he wanted a monster cake.  I used the strawberries and some marshmallows to make a monster face on it, and it turned out really cute!  He was really happy with his birthday.  In the morning we went to the store and he got to buy a few little toys with his ten dollars from Grandma and Grandpa M. On the way there, he said, "Mom, is my birthday up?"  Yes!  It finally came up!  He got some army guys, a green car, and a green motorcycle.  He suddenly loves the color green!  I got him some balloons, too, which he carried proudly into the house.  That evening our ward did a "Pie Party" since it was "Pi Day" 3-14-15.  So we went to the church and tried a few kinds of pie and had a fun time with that. 

Lately Dallin has been playing around with the harmonicas that we have, and he's been able to pick out a few tunes.  He and Simon have tried playing together when it is their night to do piano for their after dinner job.  The problem is that all of Simon's songs are written in A and the harmonica is in C.  I taught Simon a couple of songs in C, but I thought it would be nice if Dallin could just play along with the songs Simon is already working on.  We have had a few family jam sessions playing twinkle in C with Nathan on the ukulele, me on the piano, Ruby on the glockenspiel, Dallin on the harmonica, and Simon on the harmonica.  It has given us a glimpse that the dream of our family playing music together that we have had since our kids were very little might still be a reality.  It has been really fun!  So I found a set of harmonicas in the most common keys for Dallin.  So now he can play with Simon in A!  On Dallin's birthday, we just had a fun day at home with the family.  We got out in the sunshine and worked in the garden and cleaned it up so we can start planting.  It was wonderful!  We have had such beautiful weather lately!  In the afternoon, we went to the Gem and Rock show and had a fun time.  He loved his present, and we enjoyed the traditional taco dinner that night.  This was a big birthday for Dallin!  40!  He handled it with dignity and grace, as usual :). 

It has been fun to have such a musical month.  We'll have to see what the rest of the birthdays this year hold in store for us!

...