What Do I Need?

Sometimes, like today, I think I really need some sleep.  When I don't get enough sleep, my mind and body do funny things.  Sometimes it scares me.

I felt like I needed to be able to put the baby down long enough to eat.  Or use the bathroom.  Not even shower.  That can always wait.

I needed Dallin.  Oh, how I have needed him!  He is just not available.  I know he wants to be.  He is trying so desperately to fit in all the important things of his life.  He needs me to be okay, and I am trying so hard not to need him, but I'm afraid its a little like trying not to eat chocolate...

He spent all night last night preparing to take the girls on a campout tonight.  Nights with a new baby are so hard for me.  I let him sleep, but knowing he is there is still such a comfort.  I hate for him to be gone at night.  It was hard for me to watch him prepare to leave after a hard night and day with the baby.

He asked me if I was okay.  (Ah!  Blessed attention!)  I said no.  We got interrupted by the kids for awhile.  He was on his way out the door and put his arms around me.  "You're not okay. Tell me more."  I got one sentence out about being worried about being alone and feeling neglected when the phone rang.  He answered it.

"You've been in an accident?"

 Who?  I wondered.  His brother that he was meeting at the campout?  Then I knew.  Nathan.  I had sent him to pick up Brandon.  He was driving Big Blue.

He was okay.  Simon was okay.  (I didn't even know Simon had gone.  It had to be Simon, the only child of ours to have been in an accident before.)  I wanted to go to them, but I knew I couldn't.  It would take me too long to get the baby ready to go.

So I finished the smoothie I was making for Simon and shared some with Sulley, the only person I could find in the house.  We each said a little prayer about our smoothies and I had a little cry during my prayer about the accident.

I cuddled my baby and we went outside where Ruby and Daisy joined us.  It was warm and breezy and I thought about our van and that I am glad that if it is totaled it was used for service one last time today.   A neighbor used it to take the Activity Day girls to Colonial Days.  It wasn't so hard to accept the additional burden this will be financially.  Having a teenage driver get in an accident will surely do wonders to our insurance premium.  And what will we ever do about the van?  Our dream car :)  But we were already in a sort of impossible situation, so this makes the miracle that will work things out even bigger, right?

I watched the kitties and Sulley play in the yard and felt the burdens lift.  That had been my prayer, that I would know how to share this burden with the Savior.  I didn't feel so sorry for myself anymore.  I felt happy for my kids being safe, happy that the girls get to camp with their wonderful daddy, happy that I have a velvety soft newborn to smell and cuddle.  It will be okay.

Because all we really need is Jesus.

And I know Him.


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