Worthwhile

The temple.
We made it to the temple!  Finally! 
We really have been praying, planning, trying...for months! 
This time we made it!
And I was calm.
I was calm about making homemade pizza for the kids to eat while we were gone.
I was calm about us being a little late so we could eat the pizza.
I was calm on the way there and walking up the hill even though it was cold.
I was a little too calm during some parts...
But I had the most lovely experience I have ever had during a session.
My choice to be calm (with obvious divine help) made what has been an ordeal, a huge sacrifice, something I mostly do out of obligation and have a very hard time sitting through, into the joy that it was meant to be.
I hope I can go again soon and enjoy it again. 
A new experience for me.

The speech and debate tournament.
Brandon made it there!  Finally!
The first one was on Daisy's baptism day.
The second one was the morning after he got stitches.
We found him a ride in the nick of time--our schedule for today was looking really impossible.
Ruby was willing to babysit if we took the baby with us.
Sullivan was intrigued by long hallways where he could crawl and crawl and chase his ball.
Dallin and I sat and watched our son "spar" with nervous agitation, uncomfortable watching argument.
We were glad it was him and not us.
We saw him shine and smile and--no headaches!
He mentioned more than once that he was having so much fun he never even picked up the book he brought to read.
He told us how inspired he was by the speeches the older students gave.
I was inspired by the teacher who has created this amazing experience for homeschooled young adults. 
I hope I can go again and watch other events or maybe be a judge.
A new experience for all of us.

The Jr. High State Honor Choir Concert
Nathan made it there!  Finally!
He tried out for it months ago.  And made it!
He has been practicing his part for weeks.
Early morning rehearsals all this week.
All day rehearsal on Friday.
Back on the bus this morning at 10:00 to Cottonwood High School in Salt Lake.
Fifteen minutes away from Brandon's tournament, we found ourselves in the auditorium just as the music started.
Sullivan was intrigued by the slippery slope of the amphitheater, determined to overcome the gravity. But he was being too noisy!
We tolerated the guest choir performances.  They were actually quite good, but not what we came to see.
We strained our eyes as the stage began to fill with 380 students.
"There he is!" We both said as we saw him file onto stage and wedge himself between two other students.
The perks of having a short child is that he is ALWAYS on the front row!
Where I could watch him, obviously focused, and determined to give his all to this very challenging program of songs selected by a master conductor.
My eyes shimmered as I rose for a well deserved standing ovation.
My mind wandered back to the many similar conferences I attended in my choir "glory-days".
They are lovely memories.
I felt joy in the connection it created with my son who is growing up and away from me.
An old experience made new for me.

Crown Burger
We made it! Finally!
This one is a little silly, of course.
We wanted to go last month when we attended the choir concert.
It was so busy and so expensive.
But this time there were just the 4 of us and we could get kid meals (there was no age limit!)
The baby slept for the ride home.
We listened to tales from the events of the day while we drove home, well treated with memories and tasty food. 
Arriving home with donuts lit up the faces of the 4 who stayed home.
They all did very well, and for such a long time!
And then a little time for family work and play before bed.
Experiences worth preserving.

Happy January!

Just because.

Because we've gotten nearly 50 inches of beautiful sparkly snow here.  It is a big fat pain, but it is pretty and wintery and just how January should be.  It is also colder than I think it has been since we moved up here.
It really makes me want to curl up with good books.

Because my baby boy is learning so much!  We are trying to ignore the fact that his birthday is 2 months away!  He can crawl, he can climb stairs, he can do patty cake and rolly rolly and throw it in the pan!  I've been teaching him the sign for "milk" since he was born, and he finally did it!  He can do twinkle.  He says "Da-da" and can't get enough of his daddy or his big brothers.  He can scan a document and turn off the computer.  He can pull up and cruise around things.  He can turn off the light.  He tries to say "light".  Today he tried to say "water".  His babbling seems so much more intentional than the other kids.  He's really trying to share what he's thinking.  He eats baby food unlike my other children. He still growls all the time, and we love it!  He can dance.
Our favorite, though, is when he sings.  Anytime he hears any kind of music, he begins to hum or coo along.  Heart melting!

Because I am learning that Christ's main purpose is to save us from our sins, not our circumstances.
Because as I have changed my prayers to reflect that knowledge, I have experienced miracles.
In the throes of being tired, sick, depressed, frustrated, or annoyed, I've found that I do not have to give up on my day.  I don't have to give in to those feelings.  I can ask for strength right now.  I can ask for peace right now.  I can ask for help to endure right now.
And it comes.  It comes right away.  Not in the hours or days or months or years or never that it takes for our situation or circumstances to change.
He wants to help me right now.
He wants to save me from the sin of leaving the light, turning away from God.
I am so glad I am learning this!  I am really learning where to turn for peace.
There have been times in my recent past where I have been so desperately frustrated by the fact that I am in over my head and I need things to change and why isn't He helping me when I need it so badly?
I sense those times are gone for good.

Because I'm reading a book with Brandon that we're both enjoying so much. 
Because Brandon and Ruby both "caught the reading bug" this week.  They wanted to go on reading past their allotted time or chapter!  You have to realize that this is a dream come true for a concerned homeschool mommy!

Because my menu plan is beginning to be useful:  I have 6 weeks of meals planned with shopping lists printed.  I have a list for the big monthly shop and lists for each week.  If I get the stuff for the whole list each month, I will be building up my food storage again.  I won't ever have to plan meals again.  We'll be eating more fruits and vegetables. I can use the same shopping list each month.  I'm still figuring out which stores to shop at and if and how to afford it.  It is still a work in progress, but it has borne some fruit this month. 

Because life is hard.
Because God is good.
Because I love them both.


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Alternative Resolution

This new year has left me feeling a little irritated.  I'm grumpy and tired of being sick, for sure.  I started in with a nasty case of croup on Christmas day, and I still feel pretty rotten.  It makes me grumpy that I was pretty much in the same boat a year ago.  Tired, (not sick) but heavy with pregnancy, dealing with sick children.  Not accomplishing much of anything.

The temptation was for me to think that the year was a waste.  That I'm basically in the same place...
Oh, the lies.  They creep in more easily with sickness and grumpiness.
This year was NOT a waste.  It must not be!
I went through so much growth!  I will not let it be for naught!

I ache for productivity.  I want to be the super mom who joyfully works from sunup to sundown with nary a complaint.  I want to be fitter, healthier, have a cleaner house, teach my kids more, have more accomplished kids, etc. etc.  And I haven't even TRIED pinterest yet!
I keep getting these massive stumbling blocks that make it all seem somewhat laughable.
Now and then I get a little tired and grumpy about the constant battle to just stay in the light and keep from crumpling into a pitiful ball of despair.

But truly, I have learned so much from it.  Do I really want it to change?  Do I really want to go back to being someone who looks like she's on top of it all but really has so much in her motives, thoughts, and feelings that misses the mark?
The reality is that the Lord is asking me to walk with Him when I want to FLY!

I AM learning to be content with the walk.  It really is lovely to go slowly, especially with Him as a companion.
Too often I still look away from my walk and see the world flying by and feel like I should be out there, like I'm not enough.  Fear tells me that going slowly is bad.  It is a temporary situation to be remedied as soon as possible.  "Get back to productivity, get on top of life", it says.

 It's not that I think He doesn't want me to succeed in all of these things.  I know He does.  He puts the desires into my heart for self improvement and productivity.  As His daughter I want to be creative and glorious.  He wants that for me, too.
But not at the expense of my relationship with Him and His other children.
Too often when he allows us to fly, we fly right away from Him.
So I'm in a sort of spiritual special education.  Going slowly until I know what it really means to be His.
Getting to the core of what is really important in life. Learning to be content with slowness, knowing that it is a potentially permanent state of being.  Things may never get any "better", so how can I make THIS awesome?

It is hard for me to think of moving on from such a lovely Holiday time.  We had an amazing season!  My thoughts have rebelled against the idea of a New Year.  And then the whole talk about resolutions started up.  I even saw sales in multiple ads for fitness and health products.  News stories about people hitting the gyms.  Just like last year.  For some reason it all just makes me want to wretch!  I'm NOT doing that this year!  I'm not setting goals that are so far out of my control that they are doomed to fail.

Okay, so now what?  I find myself feeling adrift and unanchored.  What's my plan?  Do I make a plan?  What do I even want?

I want to walk with God.
Slowly.
I like it.

So I offer an alternative to resolutions and goals:
 focus.
Focus is completely within our control.

What do I want my life focus to be this year?

Easy enough to say in just a word or two.  One mom I read about used the word Remember.

I have two words I'd like to focus on: Service and Relationships.

I want to be a better Servant of God, and I want to be more willing to make the sacrifices that meaningful relationships require. 

And as for productivity,
I'm learning that when I slow down, I produce different kinds of things.  I spent an hour of my precious time building an exceptional duplo lego castle.  It may very well be laying on the floor in pieces by now.  Was that productive? What did I produce?
Good memories.
My 3 year old daughter built beside me.  Each piece that she added had a little story to it: "This one has fiow, lots of fiow.(fire)"  She'd play a little and build a little while I designed a trapdoor leading to the moat, a princess bedroom, and a stable for the horses. Who knows but that memory may be the very thing she needs to remember to sustain her through a stressful time in her future?  Who knows that it won't sustain me in mine?   Maybe she won't remember it at all, but she is building a memory tank of all of the good feelings of her childhood.  I know because I've dipped into mine many times when life just seemed so hard.
Good feelings.
Even if she doesn't remember all of the little things I've done for her and with her in her babyhood, they all add up to feeling loved and knowing she is important.  

I bathed my stinky little baby for only the 3rd or 4th time in his 9 months.  This is mostly due to the fact that Ruby always wants to do it, but partially to the fact that baths just have not been hitting the "to-do" list lately.  I sat and watched him play with the toys and explore the water.  How much he must have been learning and wondering about!  How cute to see him put his hand all the way to the bottom of the tub.  And then to see his splashes get big and bigger.  I held him close to dry and warm him.  I lotioned his arms and legs and left little lotion dots on his skin for him to poke at and smear and even taste.  I trimmed his hair to bring out the best of his curls.  I dressed him in nice comfy clothes and kissed and kissed and kissed him. 

I read a few blogs that inspired and uplifted me and encouraged me that stepping out of the race of life leaves me standing on a better path.  They reminded me that the slowness, the tiredness, the sickness that never seems to leave my path clear are just the very things I need right now to be the kind of daughter I REALLY want to be.

And now I'm going to write and keep writing.  I want to capture the memories of the beautiful season that is now behind me.

And then I'll get up and walk with God and see where a focus on Service and Relationships leads me.

I think its going to be another great year!


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