Sometimes, like today, I think I really need some sleep. When I don't get enough sleep, my mind and body do funny things. Sometimes it scares me.
I felt like I needed to be able to put the baby down long enough to eat. Or use the bathroom. Not even shower. That can always wait.
I needed Dallin. Oh, how I have needed him! He is just not available. I know he wants to be. He is trying so desperately to fit in all the important things of his life. He needs me to be okay, and I am trying so hard not to need him, but I'm afraid its a little like trying not to eat chocolate...
He spent all night last night preparing to take the girls on a campout tonight. Nights with a new baby are so hard for me. I let him sleep, but knowing he is there is still such a comfort. I hate for him to be gone at night. It was hard for me to watch him prepare to leave after a hard night and day with the baby.
He asked me if I was okay. (Ah! Blessed attention!) I said no. We got interrupted by the kids for awhile. He was on his way out the door and put his arms around me. "You're not okay. Tell me more." I got one sentence out about being worried about being alone and feeling neglected when the phone rang. He answered it.
"You've been in an accident?"
Who? I wondered. His brother that he was meeting at the campout? Then I knew. Nathan. I had sent him to pick up Brandon. He was driving Big Blue.
He was okay. Simon was okay. (I didn't even know Simon had gone. It had to be Simon, the only child of ours to have been in an accident before.) I wanted to go to them, but I knew I couldn't. It would take me too long to get the baby ready to go.
So I finished the smoothie I was making for Simon and shared some with Sulley, the only person I could find in the house. We each said a little prayer about our smoothies and I had a little cry during my prayer about the accident.
I cuddled my baby and we went outside where Ruby and Daisy joined us. It was warm and breezy and I thought about our van and that I am glad that if it is totaled it was used for service one last time today. A neighbor used it to take the Activity Day girls to Colonial Days. It wasn't so hard to accept the additional burden this will be financially. Having a teenage driver get in an accident will surely do wonders to our insurance premium. And what will we ever do about the van? Our dream car :) But we were already in a sort of impossible situation, so this makes the miracle that will work things out even bigger, right?
I watched the kitties and Sulley play in the yard and felt the burdens lift. That had been my prayer, that I would know how to share this burden with the Savior. I didn't feel so sorry for myself anymore. I felt happy for my kids being safe, happy that the girls get to camp with their wonderful daddy, happy that I have a velvety soft newborn to smell and cuddle. It will be okay.
Because all we really need is Jesus.
And I know Him.
...
We've Given Up the Easy Life for the Good Life
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Watching an Artist at Work
Sometimes we get to meet people who are truly masters of their craft, and it is a joy to watch them work. It is a privilege to be mentored and served by them.
Since my first experience with a midwife 13 years ago, I have loved midwifery. Since my first experience with natural childbirth and all of my reading and studying over the years, I have felt called to care for women someday. I have been thrilled to know several midwives and to be cared for by some very wonderful women. I have worked with some midwives that I learned a few "what not to do's" from. But I have always admired and enjoyed being around and learning from midwives.
I was blessed with this pregnancy, however, to witness an artist of midwifery. My former and beloved midwife having moved too far away, I needed a new midwife. I had heard that she was good from 3 of my friends, but I had no idea how blessed I would be by her. I had an idea pretty quickly, though.
A typical prenatal: First, I was welcomed into her house and offered some kind of food or drink or both. If the kids were with me, they got hot chocolate. Then I was offered a seat in a comfy recliner. While I poured my heart out, she rubbed my feet. And she was knowledgeable and skilled about reflexology so it was a professional foot rub. We would talk about life, then talk about the pregnancy. She would have good suggestions for vitamins, herbs, or nutrition to help my pregnancy issues, and they were good suggestions! I tribute the many ways this pregnancy was easier to her knowledge and skills and ability to nurture both emotionally and physically.
Another amazing thing about her was how available she was. I felt like I could text her anytime and always get a loving response. And she would come to me if she could, the way she showed up the day after I found out I was having a boy. Our paths crossed frequently because our daughters were in some classes together, and she was as delighted to see me as I her and took a few minutes to check up on me. My kids absolutely loved her and her ability to make a person feel important. She showed up for me again and again and again (Actually 5 times that last week) when I just needed reassurance, and she stayed with me as long as I needed her. And she kept coming those couple of rough weeks after the baby, offering genuine care, concern, advice, and time.
At the birth, she was such a pillar of strength. When Dallin and I watched the birth video, we were both touched by her smiles and nods and quiet encouragement while she carefully and patiently waited for baby and also took care of preparations for the delivery. Then after the birth, she just sat by my bed, smiling and watching over me and the baby. Dallin's comment: "What is she doing? She is just sitting there, watching. That is so comforting that all of her attention is on you." I quite agree. A master at work is not always busy doing. They take time to watch. And smile.
I always feel better after a conversation with her, even if it is just by text. I know she is a person with her own family, trials, and heartaches. It makes me so amazed that she has so much to give and that she gives it so willingly. I know she has grown accustomed to living on little sleep so she can care for her clients and friends. I not only feel better after being around her, I want to BE better. I find myself being more careful with my kids when they come to me with their little troubles. I stop, hug them, look in their eyes and make sure I stay with them until they are ready for me to move on.
Because I know how wonderful it feels to be a grown up and have someone do that for me.
It has been a privilege to be cared for by a master artist.
...
Since my first experience with a midwife 13 years ago, I have loved midwifery. Since my first experience with natural childbirth and all of my reading and studying over the years, I have felt called to care for women someday. I have been thrilled to know several midwives and to be cared for by some very wonderful women. I have worked with some midwives that I learned a few "what not to do's" from. But I have always admired and enjoyed being around and learning from midwives.
I was blessed with this pregnancy, however, to witness an artist of midwifery. My former and beloved midwife having moved too far away, I needed a new midwife. I had heard that she was good from 3 of my friends, but I had no idea how blessed I would be by her. I had an idea pretty quickly, though.
A typical prenatal: First, I was welcomed into her house and offered some kind of food or drink or both. If the kids were with me, they got hot chocolate. Then I was offered a seat in a comfy recliner. While I poured my heart out, she rubbed my feet. And she was knowledgeable and skilled about reflexology so it was a professional foot rub. We would talk about life, then talk about the pregnancy. She would have good suggestions for vitamins, herbs, or nutrition to help my pregnancy issues, and they were good suggestions! I tribute the many ways this pregnancy was easier to her knowledge and skills and ability to nurture both emotionally and physically.
Another amazing thing about her was how available she was. I felt like I could text her anytime and always get a loving response. And she would come to me if she could, the way she showed up the day after I found out I was having a boy. Our paths crossed frequently because our daughters were in some classes together, and she was as delighted to see me as I her and took a few minutes to check up on me. My kids absolutely loved her and her ability to make a person feel important. She showed up for me again and again and again (Actually 5 times that last week) when I just needed reassurance, and she stayed with me as long as I needed her. And she kept coming those couple of rough weeks after the baby, offering genuine care, concern, advice, and time.
At the birth, she was such a pillar of strength. When Dallin and I watched the birth video, we were both touched by her smiles and nods and quiet encouragement while she carefully and patiently waited for baby and also took care of preparations for the delivery. Then after the birth, she just sat by my bed, smiling and watching over me and the baby. Dallin's comment: "What is she doing? She is just sitting there, watching. That is so comforting that all of her attention is on you." I quite agree. A master at work is not always busy doing. They take time to watch. And smile.
I always feel better after a conversation with her, even if it is just by text. I know she is a person with her own family, trials, and heartaches. It makes me so amazed that she has so much to give and that she gives it so willingly. I know she has grown accustomed to living on little sleep so she can care for her clients and friends. I not only feel better after being around her, I want to BE better. I find myself being more careful with my kids when they come to me with their little troubles. I stop, hug them, look in their eyes and make sure I stay with them until they are ready for me to move on.
Because I know how wonderful it feels to be a grown up and have someone do that for me.
It has been a privilege to be cared for by a master artist.
...
Mothered
Now I come to a tribute where my heart just won't fit on paper!
I know what it means to be mothered.
And the older I get, the more I realize what a precious and rare gift that is. I took it for granted that everyone was treated with unconditional love and kindness as a child. I took it for granted that every woman would want her mother near as she gave birth and during the days following. But I know women who have not been mothered, and I ache for them as they bring their babies into the world and struggle to figure it out on their own. Because I have experienced something beautiful and different.
Always I want my mother with me during birth. Strangely, it has not happened that way most of the time. With Nathan, she was running my baby shower! In those pre-cell phone days, it was impossible to let people know that I had gone into labor, so they had the shower without me. She rushed up to the hospital to take some videos of me and the baby to show the ladies at the shower. With Brandon, she was taking care of Nathan. Ruby's she missed just by a little as they had decided to go up to Palmyra for the Hill Cumorah Pageant. They got back into town just after she was born. Daisy was my first home birth, and she was there! Also with Simon she was able to attend. With Sarajoy she had to go home because my dad had an accident with a table saw and she had to be there for his surgery. She was home for less than 24 hours before she turned around and drove back. She got to my house and sat down to read a story to someone and she heard the baby's first cry. Similarly, with Sullivan, she was helping get my little ones out the door with a friend when she heard that cry.
This time, I was determined she would not miss it. And she didn't. I love having her share that most sacred and precious experience with me. This time she helped me get the bed ready, she helped warm water to fill the birth pool, she fed me ice chips and was just there, doing whatever was needed.
But that is how she always is! Somehow when I have a baby, she manages to take care of me, the baby, and my entire household efficiently and cheerfully. My meals are brought to me in bed for as long as I need to stay there, and they are always well prepared and delicious. I'm regularly brought nice things to drink like juice over ice chips, and my water bottle is rarely empty. When I have needed help in the bathroom or shower, she is there supporting me. When I just need a couple of hours of sleep in a row, she will snuggle the baby for me--day or night! When my other kids are stir-crazy or need attention, she reads to them or takes them on an outing. And my big kids don't know what to do because their chores seem to always be done. The laundry is not just clean, but put away! The dishes are always done. She is content to be company for me when I need it, or to just work quietly on her own things so I can rest. She will help me take baby to the doctor or send Dallin and I on an expense-paid date if I am up to it. And when she leaves, my fridge and pantry are always well stocked with food.
And when she leaves, I always cry.
Not because I don't think I can manage without her. She is so careful to leave me well prepared for the transition ahead. But because I am so full of love and awe at her ability to care for me and my family. Because I know how my children will miss her. Because I miss her friendship and love and attention. Because I am inspired by her ability to lose herself in service. Because I wish every woman could be so mothered!
This time I was trying so hard to be brave. I made it through the hugs and the goodbyes and the waving the car off. But as soon as I got back to my room, I had a good cry. I thought I had gotten it out of my system until that night. The house was quiet and the kids were in bed and I crept down to take my vitamins and her place where she'd sat on the couch working was empty and I completely lost it. I realized I slept my time with her away. I needed the sleep, but I didn't get much of a chance to spend time with her like I normally do after a baby. And when I came back to my room bawling, Dallin knew exactly why. He won't ever cry, but I think his heart was bawling too. She mothers her sons-in-law so respectfully that they don't want her to leave either.
It leaves me with a feeling of great responsibility. I know I can never repay that kind of service, but I hope I can be that kind of mother.
I know what it means to be mothered.
And the older I get, the more I realize what a precious and rare gift that is. I took it for granted that everyone was treated with unconditional love and kindness as a child. I took it for granted that every woman would want her mother near as she gave birth and during the days following. But I know women who have not been mothered, and I ache for them as they bring their babies into the world and struggle to figure it out on their own. Because I have experienced something beautiful and different.
Always I want my mother with me during birth. Strangely, it has not happened that way most of the time. With Nathan, she was running my baby shower! In those pre-cell phone days, it was impossible to let people know that I had gone into labor, so they had the shower without me. She rushed up to the hospital to take some videos of me and the baby to show the ladies at the shower. With Brandon, she was taking care of Nathan. Ruby's she missed just by a little as they had decided to go up to Palmyra for the Hill Cumorah Pageant. They got back into town just after she was born. Daisy was my first home birth, and she was there! Also with Simon she was able to attend. With Sarajoy she had to go home because my dad had an accident with a table saw and she had to be there for his surgery. She was home for less than 24 hours before she turned around and drove back. She got to my house and sat down to read a story to someone and she heard the baby's first cry. Similarly, with Sullivan, she was helping get my little ones out the door with a friend when she heard that cry.
This time, I was determined she would not miss it. And she didn't. I love having her share that most sacred and precious experience with me. This time she helped me get the bed ready, she helped warm water to fill the birth pool, she fed me ice chips and was just there, doing whatever was needed.
But that is how she always is! Somehow when I have a baby, she manages to take care of me, the baby, and my entire household efficiently and cheerfully. My meals are brought to me in bed for as long as I need to stay there, and they are always well prepared and delicious. I'm regularly brought nice things to drink like juice over ice chips, and my water bottle is rarely empty. When I have needed help in the bathroom or shower, she is there supporting me. When I just need a couple of hours of sleep in a row, she will snuggle the baby for me--day or night! When my other kids are stir-crazy or need attention, she reads to them or takes them on an outing. And my big kids don't know what to do because their chores seem to always be done. The laundry is not just clean, but put away! The dishes are always done. She is content to be company for me when I need it, or to just work quietly on her own things so I can rest. She will help me take baby to the doctor or send Dallin and I on an expense-paid date if I am up to it. And when she leaves, my fridge and pantry are always well stocked with food.
And when she leaves, I always cry.
Not because I don't think I can manage without her. She is so careful to leave me well prepared for the transition ahead. But because I am so full of love and awe at her ability to care for me and my family. Because I know how my children will miss her. Because I miss her friendship and love and attention. Because I am inspired by her ability to lose herself in service. Because I wish every woman could be so mothered!
This time I was trying so hard to be brave. I made it through the hugs and the goodbyes and the waving the car off. But as soon as I got back to my room, I had a good cry. I thought I had gotten it out of my system until that night. The house was quiet and the kids were in bed and I crept down to take my vitamins and her place where she'd sat on the couch working was empty and I completely lost it. I realized I slept my time with her away. I needed the sleep, but I didn't get much of a chance to spend time with her like I normally do after a baby. And when I came back to my room bawling, Dallin knew exactly why. He won't ever cry, but I think his heart was bawling too. She mothers her sons-in-law so respectfully that they don't want her to leave either.
It leaves me with a feeling of great responsibility. I know I can never repay that kind of service, but I hope I can be that kind of mother.
Writing My Heart
I know how much I NEED to write right now. But I noticed an unfamiliar feeling as I felt prompted to quit wasting time on facebook and start working on the posts that have been swirling around my mind for the past few weeks. It was fear. Fear? Why would I be afraid to do something I love so much, something that always helps me put life in perspective and sometimes, I like to think, it even helps someone else?
I think it is because after childbirth, my heart is WIDE open and overflowing. I'm afraid I won't be able to fit it on paper, that I won't be able to do justice to what I have experienced. My words won't be adequate, but my heart demands that I try.
I think it is because after childbirth, my heart is WIDE open and overflowing. I'm afraid I won't be able to fit it on paper, that I won't be able to do justice to what I have experienced. My words won't be adequate, but my heart demands that I try.
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