Alternative Resolution

This new year has left me feeling a little irritated.  I'm grumpy and tired of being sick, for sure.  I started in with a nasty case of croup on Christmas day, and I still feel pretty rotten.  It makes me grumpy that I was pretty much in the same boat a year ago.  Tired, (not sick) but heavy with pregnancy, dealing with sick children.  Not accomplishing much of anything.

The temptation was for me to think that the year was a waste.  That I'm basically in the same place...
Oh, the lies.  They creep in more easily with sickness and grumpiness.
This year was NOT a waste.  It must not be!
I went through so much growth!  I will not let it be for naught!

I ache for productivity.  I want to be the super mom who joyfully works from sunup to sundown with nary a complaint.  I want to be fitter, healthier, have a cleaner house, teach my kids more, have more accomplished kids, etc. etc.  And I haven't even TRIED pinterest yet!
I keep getting these massive stumbling blocks that make it all seem somewhat laughable.
Now and then I get a little tired and grumpy about the constant battle to just stay in the light and keep from crumpling into a pitiful ball of despair.

But truly, I have learned so much from it.  Do I really want it to change?  Do I really want to go back to being someone who looks like she's on top of it all but really has so much in her motives, thoughts, and feelings that misses the mark?
The reality is that the Lord is asking me to walk with Him when I want to FLY!

I AM learning to be content with the walk.  It really is lovely to go slowly, especially with Him as a companion.
Too often I still look away from my walk and see the world flying by and feel like I should be out there, like I'm not enough.  Fear tells me that going slowly is bad.  It is a temporary situation to be remedied as soon as possible.  "Get back to productivity, get on top of life", it says.

 It's not that I think He doesn't want me to succeed in all of these things.  I know He does.  He puts the desires into my heart for self improvement and productivity.  As His daughter I want to be creative and glorious.  He wants that for me, too.
But not at the expense of my relationship with Him and His other children.
Too often when he allows us to fly, we fly right away from Him.
So I'm in a sort of spiritual special education.  Going slowly until I know what it really means to be His.
Getting to the core of what is really important in life. Learning to be content with slowness, knowing that it is a potentially permanent state of being.  Things may never get any "better", so how can I make THIS awesome?

It is hard for me to think of moving on from such a lovely Holiday time.  We had an amazing season!  My thoughts have rebelled against the idea of a New Year.  And then the whole talk about resolutions started up.  I even saw sales in multiple ads for fitness and health products.  News stories about people hitting the gyms.  Just like last year.  For some reason it all just makes me want to wretch!  I'm NOT doing that this year!  I'm not setting goals that are so far out of my control that they are doomed to fail.

Okay, so now what?  I find myself feeling adrift and unanchored.  What's my plan?  Do I make a plan?  What do I even want?

I want to walk with God.
Slowly.
I like it.

So I offer an alternative to resolutions and goals:
 focus.
Focus is completely within our control.

What do I want my life focus to be this year?

Easy enough to say in just a word or two.  One mom I read about used the word Remember.

I have two words I'd like to focus on: Service and Relationships.

I want to be a better Servant of God, and I want to be more willing to make the sacrifices that meaningful relationships require. 

And as for productivity,
I'm learning that when I slow down, I produce different kinds of things.  I spent an hour of my precious time building an exceptional duplo lego castle.  It may very well be laying on the floor in pieces by now.  Was that productive? What did I produce?
Good memories.
My 3 year old daughter built beside me.  Each piece that she added had a little story to it: "This one has fiow, lots of fiow.(fire)"  She'd play a little and build a little while I designed a trapdoor leading to the moat, a princess bedroom, and a stable for the horses. Who knows but that memory may be the very thing she needs to remember to sustain her through a stressful time in her future?  Who knows that it won't sustain me in mine?   Maybe she won't remember it at all, but she is building a memory tank of all of the good feelings of her childhood.  I know because I've dipped into mine many times when life just seemed so hard.
Good feelings.
Even if she doesn't remember all of the little things I've done for her and with her in her babyhood, they all add up to feeling loved and knowing she is important.  

I bathed my stinky little baby for only the 3rd or 4th time in his 9 months.  This is mostly due to the fact that Ruby always wants to do it, but partially to the fact that baths just have not been hitting the "to-do" list lately.  I sat and watched him play with the toys and explore the water.  How much he must have been learning and wondering about!  How cute to see him put his hand all the way to the bottom of the tub.  And then to see his splashes get big and bigger.  I held him close to dry and warm him.  I lotioned his arms and legs and left little lotion dots on his skin for him to poke at and smear and even taste.  I trimmed his hair to bring out the best of his curls.  I dressed him in nice comfy clothes and kissed and kissed and kissed him. 

I read a few blogs that inspired and uplifted me and encouraged me that stepping out of the race of life leaves me standing on a better path.  They reminded me that the slowness, the tiredness, the sickness that never seems to leave my path clear are just the very things I need right now to be the kind of daughter I REALLY want to be.

And now I'm going to write and keep writing.  I want to capture the memories of the beautiful season that is now behind me.

And then I'll get up and walk with God and see where a focus on Service and Relationships leads me.

I think its going to be another great year!


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