Catching Up

What a heavy, brooding sort of day.  My body feels weighed down with the headcold that won't go away.  Gloomy snowclouds hang over the valley, making the world feel cold and melancholy.
And my heart is heavy with grief over the loss of our kitty.

The perfect day to stay inside and read and ponder and write.  I have no energy for anything else, anyway.  The fruit in the garage might just have to feed our compost pile instead of stand in pretty rows of glass jars in the storage room.  It will feed our garden next year...or at least the deer who come to eat our garden...they are apparently starving...Looking on the bright side, you know.

But really, I've been aching to write and praying to know what to write and when.  Somehow a bright side to Max's death is that it broke my writer's block.  Last night I HAD to write. 

The past months have been busy and joyful--like we're trying to squeeze every last drop of goodness from each and every day.  A season of activity and service and doing that hasn't left much time for reading and pondering and writing.

I love seasons.  They give us so much hope and comfort. 

Last time I wrote was the end of summer.  I wish I could remember what happened next...

I think it was a whirl of trying to get ready for school and Dallin and the boys trying to get the yard wrapped up.   We went on a couple of family bike rides and went swimming once.

Two very wonderful things happened: My good friend Rhyetta came who moved to Missouri on the day Sarajoy was born.  We had a big party with her family and the families of the other 2 families who homeschooled in our old ward.  The only downside was that it was way too short.  I got to show her around my house and yard.  I'm so glad I know her and I really wish we could see each other more often than every 4 years.
The next day, her sister Anaise came for a visit.  Rhyetta introduced me to her blog years ago and I found another kindred spirit.  We have blogged and emailed back and forth and shared so many similar experiences it was wonderful to meet in real life!  The kids got along beautifully and they didn't feel like strangers at all.  We could have talked for hours and hours.
Now that Chris just moved his family to Kansas City, we might have an excuse to visit them in their homes!

It felt really special and nourishing for me to have such nice, long visits with Rebecca, Debbie, Rhyetta, and Anaise this summer.  I felt it an especial gift from God to strengthen and lift me.  How I love good friends!

Things were up in the air and all over the place trying to plan co-op this year.  We were trying so hard to have it all mapped out in the spring so we could use the summer to prepare...

The celebrated our 16th anniversary with the kids at the County Fair.  I always like to see the animals and the exhibits most of all.  The vegetables, paintings, sewing, photographs--I enjoy it more than my kids.  We all liked the Lego exhibit, though.  It is amazing!  We got some food at the food booths and came home to get ready for our last big trip.

We wanted to make it to another Utah temple this summer, so we hoped for Brigham City on our way to Idaho, but it was closed.  We made an appointment at Logan for Friday night, but traffic made us miss that one.  We stayed at Kim's that night instead.  That was really great because our lives are so busy I don't get a lot of down time with Kim anymore.  It was great that they were free and we could relax and visit and watch a movie.  I remember being very inspired by it: 42 about Jackie Robinson.   We got up and headed up to Logan and did baptisms.  It was neat that we were there at the place of our marriage on the weekend of our anniversary.  We took some fun 16 years later wedding photos.

We spent the evening with my family and headed up to Island Park Sunday afternoon with them.  It was perfectly lovely.  The weather was great.  We saw a moose right in our camp.  The river was close and fun.  The company was excellent.  It is so refreshing and wonderful to see the kids enjoying their cousins and enjoying nature.  I am so glad that I can provide such carefree memories for my kids.

On the way home we stopped at my mom's to pick apples as the rain began to fall.
(Those ones made it into some apple crisp.)

And the next day was Nathan's first day of school at Salem Hills High School.  He's enjoying Men's Choir and soccer and barely tolerating Chemistry.  We are thankful that he is so responsible and glad that he has such good friends.  We wish we got to see more of him, but he is fun and helpful when he is here.  On Wednesday I pick up him and a friend from school on our way to the temple.  My van is usually full of homeschoolers, and I love it!

And then, the day after Labor Day, we started our school year with a bang!

Actually, it was a trip to the vet to attend to the giant abcess on Mikey's neck.

But the amazing thing was we still got all of our school plans done for that day.  We had a wonderful first week with just enough structure and just enough flexibility to make me hopeful that this year will work!

Our first week of classes and co-op was a little strange.  It has been a slow process, but bit-by-bit the kinks got worked out and co-op has settled into something wonderful!  We study artists and composers and geography songs together while the big kids are at  Speech and Debate.  Then we gather with the big kids for a hymn, the pledge, a prayer and a chance to share our work and talents.  We eat lunch and visit and play and then the big kids do Pyramid Project while the visiting and playing continues.  It is just enough structure without the pressure.  I love it, and I hope the other moms do as well.  It is especially nice that my closest friend is in the big co-op this year.  Everything feels just right!

September has been just amazing!  There is a different feeling in our home.  A love for learning and reading that I've yearned and struggled for for years.  What is the difference?  What is the cause?  I think it is a combination of a few things:  We cancelled Netflix in order to use our time to do things we REALLY wanted to do.  I didn't think it would be a big deal.  We didn't watch movies THAT much, but I know it contributed especially because Dallin and I started reading out loud to each other again.  And lots of little tweaks in life to make it more Christ-centered.  We feel the urgency to use our time well and we choose to fill it with more uplifting things than we did before.  We have both been learning to pray more carefully, specifically, and earnestly in the past year.  We are working together and have a common vision for our family.
It feels really, really good!

This year we are studying Geography, Earth Science, Journalism, Book of Mormon and continue our Artist and Composer studies.  We did Continents and Oceans, stars and constellations, began our own newspapers, and learned a few mastery scriptures.  We are studying Beethoven and Carl Bloch until November.  I feel really great about all of the things we have done.  Our learning has been natural, together, and enjoyable.  We use a variety of resources, reading until somebody has a question and then exploring that question.

Brandon is taking Shakespeare Conquest, Life of Fred Math, Speech and Debate, and Pyramid Project from the commonwealth and co-op.  I am reading the books out loud to him for Pyramid Project.  Partly because I am excited about what he's learning and partly to give him a break.  He has a heavy reading load and it is not easy for him.  He did finish reading the Hobbit, though, and is quite proud of that!  This month we read one of my favorites, Carry On Mr. Bowditch.  Dallin and Nathan listened in as well and we had some nice discussions.  The next book we're working on is String, Straitedge, and Shadow.  It is about geometry and how it was discovered.  It is pretty interesting.  He's studying Julius Caesar with his class and is working on the 17 plays to read, watch, or listen to on his own.  He is doing a great job of keeping himself motivated and staying up with his assignments. I'm so glad to have him home.

Ruby and Daisy are in 2 book clubs.  One meets twice a month and they discuss and do projects based on classics.  We finished Pollyanna first.  We all loved that!  It was my first time reading it.  I couldn't help but do the voices like on the movie :) Sarajoy and Simon beg to stay up and listen.  They are allowed to only if they are very quiet and rush right to bed when we're finished.  Now we are finishing up Farmer Boy.  What a lovely story!  Their other book club is American Girls.  They did Kaya for September and are starting Felicity.  They do that class while Brandon is at Shakespeare.  They have absolutely loved it!
Sullivan learned how to say Ruby this month, so she is feeling extra special and as always is his number two mommy.  They love each other.  Today when I went to change him he said, "Wooby.  Poop."  I could tell he was letting me know that Ruby had just changed him and sure enough, his diaper was dry.

Daisy is working on reading all of the Magic Tree House books, and she is getting to where she reads one almost every day!  She is learning how to fill out a planner and plugging along in Math.  She is very good at getting up and getting all of her chores done without being asked and without whining!  Way to go, Daisy! 

Simon is working on the Bob Books and doing better than any of my kids have at his age.  It is nice now and then to have a kid that reads easily.  He is always writing letters and notes and drawing numbers.  One day I needed him out of my hair for a few minutes so I could work with one of the other kids so I gave him some dice and told him to write the number of whatever he rolled.  That kept him busy for awhile.  He is getting so good at mastering his temper!  He is also doing really well with his chores.  He graduated to a new chart and some bigger responsibilities this year.  He is Dad's apprentice at dinner jobs, has piano practice on his chart, and helps a big kid with their Act of Kindness (assigned room or chore for the week).  He earns quarters for stars on his chart, and when it is full he gets a day with Dad's ipad. 

Sarajoy is the queen messmaker!  But what can I say when she's so cute about it?  She starts each day with some kind of stuffed animal or baby doll setup and imagines and plays all day.  Just after she gets dressed, she changes into a princess dress for the rest of the day.  Its funny cause it always takes her awhile (and a mess) to come up with an outfit and she promptly changes it for a dressup.  She is definitely in training for learning to follow instructions and do some chores and we're having some success.  She and Sullivan are starting to play a lot, and he just barely learned to call her "Beeb" (Babe) like the rest of us. 

Sullivan is in the stage of quietly pulling random objects from drawers, shelves, and cupboards and depositing them in unlikely places.  I'm tempted to pack up all of our toys for awhile so I can survive the stage Sulley and Sarajoy are in!  He is amazingly cute and funny with his growing sense of humor and new words every day.  Today Daisy said, "Mom I can't help but smile and laugh at Sulley even though Max was killed."  He is sunshine to us all.  Except he doesn't go out at night.  It seems the nights I need it the most desperately he wakes every hour or less.  Now and then he'll sleep for 3 hours in a row, but that is usually during his afternoon nap.  There are a few reasons I put up with it:  It keeps fertility at bay.  I think the breast milk is so good for him and he doesn't have the patience for it during the day.  But mostly I know it is important for me to overcome my dependence on sleep for happiness.  I am learning that through Christ I can choose to be happy on very little sleep.  I can choose to cherish and enjoy getting up to nurse the little person who I wasn't sure would make it to our family.  It is a matter of spiritual curriculum for me, and I know I can still learn from it.  Oh, but I am SO tired of it! 

The front yard is done.  DONE!  We had a couple of great big rainstorms to test out the new drainage system and it works!  Yesterday the grass seeds sprouted.  How lovely it will be to have a front yard!  Dallin and the boys did SO MUCH WORK out there this summer.  It looks great!

Another tender mercy of this month was this week.  I somehow missed it when I planned our year.  An inbetween September and October that has given me a chance to catch up on some projects and sleep in a little and not feel so tied to the schedule.  I've appreciated it, especially being sick.

 Somewhere out in our yard is a cold little box turtle that got lost.  Ruby put him out for exercise with yarn tied around him so she could find him, but he got out of the yarn.  Where else can we look?  Poor Squirtle.

It feels so good to report on this happy season of our lives.  It feels so good for life to seem doable.  There are so many many things that remain undone each day, but we are learning that that is a big part of trusting the Savior.  When we share our burdens with Him, He shows us the way to get done the things that need to get done in just the right way and time.  I still feel tempted to feel overwhelmed (and today it got the best of me!),  But it is getting easier to cast the negative feelings aside and truly enjoy this interesting experience called life.

Now to attend to two brave little girls who made it through the day but need to make it through the night...

..

When Dad Finally Got His Shower

I've been pushing against a cold/sinus infection for a few days.

It is wearing me down.

But I usually find a reason or two to stay up and busy.

There is always so much needing my attention.

Daily devotional and schoolwork.

Work on the monthly  budget.

Leftovers for lunch--homemade chicken noodle soup--yum!

Take the youth to the temple.

Scrape together leftovers and cold cereal for a quick dinner.

Haircuts.Must.Happen.

Dallin finishes cleaning the kitchen while Simon tenses under the buzz of the clippers and winces from the discomfort of hair splinters on his face and neck.

The bushy black and grey mane falls in clumps as Dallin finally gets a chance in the chair.  His hair was SO long.

He cleans up the hair mess while I shower.

Just when I slipped into my pajamas, the two of us were asked to step outside by our oldest son returning from his scout activity.

I slip into my flip-flops, hoping my pajamas won't be a problem and Dallin slips a shirt over his own hair-splintered back.

Cars are parked in front of the house, still running with their lights on.  They're carrying a crumpled form in the snow shovel.

No.

Not Max--please not Ruby's baby!

Blood running from his neck and jaw, his eyes open and glassy.  His new green collar standing bright against his glossy black fur.

Yes Max.  Is he for sure dead?  For sure.  I go inside to get a towel.  She'll want to say goodbye.

I get him in a less-gory position where he can be stroked goodbye.

I find Ruby hiding in her closet.  She must have guessed at what happened when I shooed the kids from the window and told them to keep the curtains closed.

And I had to be the one who said the horrid words that sent my girl into spasms of sobs.

We shook in each other's arms for a few moments before we went out to say goodbye.

I wrapped myself around her, trying to absorb her pain as she huddled over him, stroking his broken body.

The driver and his girlfriend reverently watched, wondering what could have been done.

Nothing.  He ran out at the last moment.  They were kind to stay and care and cry with us.

Then the other kids came out.  The baby first, trying to figure out what happened to his friend "Mac".  We had to pull him away because he wanted to poke and prod.

Sarajoy's dumbfounded look, Simon's wondering why we didn't take him to the vet, Daisy getting wrapped in Daddy's arms to sob over the loss of her "Maxen", the two big boys hovering over it all, holding the baby and feeling helpless.

Our family sat bowed around our little tragedy for some long moments before Ruby was ready to go in.  As it was beginning to rain, she thought it best to have a burial ceremony tomorrow.  We wrapped him and placed him in a box and she stroked him for the last time.

We bowed again in the living room, pleading for peace and strength.

She thought it best if we go ahead with our evening reading.  When we were done, I was glad she could go find Mikey and have a warm body near her tonight.  I'm sure he's missing his friend as well.

Meanwhile Dad and the boys threw the pickaxe and dug a grave in the garden.

Kids got hugs and kisses and tuck-ins and secret handshakes and I sat and sighed and the achy, swollen, stuffy sensations returned to remind me that I am still sick.

And I wondered who was in the shower and realized it was Dallin who had hugged and loved and swung and dug in the rain with hair splinters under his shirt.

The sensation must have returned after things

died down.


...

Faith In Every Footstep

Faith In Every Footstep
July 28, 2013
By Sarah Millington

                                                                                                                                                                            

During a busy time of the restoration in September of 1831, the prophet Joseph Smith received the following counsel from the Lord found in Doctrine and Covenants 64:33:
“Wherefore-be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work.  And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”   The faithful Saints who helped in the restoration and the Pioneers who crossed the plains and settled this state are examples of those who have heeded that counsel.

I am the daughter of an institute teacher.  Through the years my Dad’s specialty became church history.  Because of this, I grew up knowing about pioneers.  As a child I walked through the Sacred Grove and climbed the Hill Cumorah.  I stood in the place where Jesus appeared in the Kirtland Temple.  I walked through Old Nauvoo and camped by the Mississippi river.  I’ve climbed Rocky Ridge and stood on top of Independence rock.  I’ve visited Devil’s gate, Chimney rock, the Sweetwater River and other sites along the Mormon trail.  And every time I went to Dad with a problem, he told me about pioneers.  

I admit that as I grew into adulthood and the trials and pressures of life became greater, I grew weary of the “pick up your handcart and move on” advice.  Somehow thinking about the pioneers and their incredible suffering  just made me feel lame and guilty for the simpleness of my own trials. I was genuinely struggling with these difficulties, however small, and I wanted comfort and escape from  the circumstances.   It was hard to see the usefulness of talking about pioneers when my problems seemed so different from theirs. 

We worked our way through those trials and the ones that followed through the years without thinking much about pioneers.  I always admired the qualities of self reliance and frugality so I trained myself in some of the old fashioned skills to help our family be provident and thrifty.  I found it enjoyable to do things the “old fashioned” way now and then.  Maybe there were times where I thought I’d make a decent pioneer.  Mostly I was glad for my convenient life.

But as the size of my family grew, my ability to achieve and accomplish things, even good things diminished.  I was living in the mentality that I knew the kind of help I needed in order to “get back in the game” and I was growing impatient with my own failures and the lack of support I was getting from heaven.  I was trying to be a good girl and do everything right, but did not feel like the Lord was helping me the way He should.  I was unaware of the refining process I was going through and was quickly falling into a state of depression and despair.  I could not understand why the Lord would command me to do all of these things and then not help me and make it easy or even possible to do them.  Week after week, my efforts to perform at a higher level were sabotaged and I was left feeling abandoned by God. 

In the years since that time, I have been taught by teachers, friends, and experiences  that my worth as God’s daughter is not based on my performance. I have learned a  different way to measure success.  .   Seventeen Miracles was one of those experiences.

A couple of years ago, my sister and her family acted in several church movies including 17 miracles.  It is a movie worth watching.  As I sat and watched the suffering of those people play out before me, I finally started to “get it” about pioneers.  I began to understand what my Dad was trying to tell me all of those years ago.   I wrote in my journal the following entry entitled 18 miracles: 

“Dallin and I had the opportunity to go to the movies. 
This is a rare treat for us, but we decided to splurge since my sister's family is in the movie.
Our money was not wasted.
Scene after scene made me weep as I watched the faith of the early Saints being tried and tested.
And I wondered, has my faith been tested like that?
I watched people giving their all, burying their little ones and dear sweethearts. 
If they were lucky enough to be able to dig a grave.
And I wondered, am I giving my all?
I saw a woman who sat on a rock and refused to go on because she had suffered so much privation and weakness.  A miracle helped her choose to go on.
And I empathized with her weakness and feelings of being overwhelmed.
And I wondered, how many miracles have helped me stand back up when I've faltered?
How many more will I need to get to Zion? 
Can I, like her, remember the past miracles and be grateful when I am tempted to despair?
I saw people suffering beyond imagination for what they believed in.  The world would have called them fools.
And I wondered, am I listening to the wisdom of man more than trusting in God?
The movie was called 17 miracles.
The 18th miracle is the one going on inside of me”

My sister shared the following thoughts about the experience:

“Okay, I am just going to keep it real here, and admit that while I have always admired and appreciated the pioneers, when Kevin and I were asked to go on trek with the youth in our stake, I was VERY glad that I was pregnant, and had a good reason to decline. My thought on that has always been,” Why would anyone want to reenact other people’s terrible, hard, tragic, and otherwise miserable experiences?????” Well, I am here to admit, that going through the winter unit of this movie did give me insight and love for these people with a new eye of understanding. I would not want to do it again, but I am thankful to have had that small glimpse not of the suffering necessarily, but of the strength that they had, and that testimony that surely their strong spirits must have in some way supported their bodies, because there is not a way that they could have endured what they endured without miracles.

Our first day of the winter unit was Kenzie’s scene, where she portrayed the death and revival of a young girl in one of the companies. It was pretty far below freezing that entire day, and we could not get warm. We had layers, we had heaters, and still we were just exhausted with cold. It was disconcerting not only to see my daughter in makeup depicting this young girl’s death, but it made me wonder how that girl must have felt to be brought back to life in such conditions. Honestly.

Our second day on the winter unit was Kimball’s day. This day was a bit warmer, but it didn’t stop snowing once. We were all soaked through, and Kimball had holes in his shoes, and was shivering before we had even gotten to location. Again, we could not get warm. Everyone was miserable, and we would take turns taking kids shoes off and trying to warm their feet in front of the heater, but it didn’t do much good because everything was soaking wet. Several times I took Kimball’s shoes off and put his feet on my stomach to try and get them warm. Kimball and his friend Savannah played two children who died on the trail. This day they filmed them in a common grave, and again, I did not like seeing the death makeup on my child. They also shot a scene at the end of the day of he (Nels Nelson) and Bodil struggling in the snow right before they die. It was a poignant scene, and people were taking great photos of it, but I don’t think I could ever hang this photo up and look at it every day. It is too much for me to think about. I know this doesn’t need to even be said, but I had a bed to go home to that night, and a fireplace and hot chocolate, and because of the exhaustion, and the relief to get home that day, I felt that I would not soon take that for granted. The thought did not escape me that it must be terrible to have no place that is a refuge. How could these mothers and fathers cope with watching their children starve and freeze, and they had no way to help them? I kind of can’t even think about it. That day broke my heart, really.

I think everyone likes to fancy that somewhere in their lineage there is some royalty, or some “blue blood.” It has come to my attention as of late, that in my case, this is not true. My dad has been relating a lot of stories lately about our “redneck”  ancestors. But what this experience has given me is a sense that I have the blood of stalwart, unfailing, and faithful people running through my veins, and that they were able to see and experience these kinds of things and get through it because they knew what they were doing was a great work. I believe that they were given a sense of vision of what this would mean to us as their descendants, and I will be forever appreciative of it, and have the utmost respect and gratitude for them.”

              

  God is going to ask us to do hard things, and he will not rescue us from the very things he has prepared to refine us.  I realized that I had been praying for the wrong kind of help. I have learned that Christ did not come to save us from our circumstances.  When we believe that he did, we make the same mistake that the Jews of his day made.  Christ came to save us from our sins.  And when we turn to Him, he will, in mercy, show us our weaknesses, humble us, and refine us. 

I began a process of learning to center my life on Christ, on choosing happiness no matter my circumstances, on being thankful in all things.  All Things—including trials.  It was a new kind of gratitude.  Instead of just looking outside my misery and trying to find beautiful things around me or being glad that it wasn’t any worse, I began to see the beauty in the trials themselves.   I learned that pain, disappointment, and difficulty are part of the package of the gift of mortality.

When I started using the pain and irritation as an invitation to think of Christ and what He suffered for me, the trials no longer had the power to affect my personal peace.  

 In order for the pioneers to get up each morning and work through such extremities, they had to have something to go on besides sheer endurance.  And we all know that getting to the Salt Lake Valley did not end their hardships.  Hoping for a better world may seem fruitless in our own seasons of extremity, especially when we are offered no immediate escape from the trial or perhaps no relief until the end of this life.  But I believe there is power in the hope itself.  Hope in Christ has the ability to make the trials of today bearable and even sweet.

The motto by which we honor pioneers is Faith in Every Footstep.  We have heard the stories of what that meant to them.  We sing about pioneer children who sang as they walked and walked and walked and walked.  We know that they kept walking even when they left bloody footprints in the snow.  We weep when we hear of little ones buried in shallow, cold graves or young children left to live and finish the journey on their own.  We shudder to think of being so cold, so sick, and so hungry.  Yet they walked on, sang on, prayed on, and worked on because they knew they were following Christ.  Like my sister said, we do not honor them for their suffering, we honor them for their faith in Christ.   They trusted that they were laying the foundation for a great work.  They saw miracles of rescue and relief, but more important, they were miracles themselves!  They were truly giving all to follow Christ and they had no regrets.  All was well with them because they were with Christ.  They knew there was a greater wealth to be found in following him than in all they left behind.  We would do well to consider that they gave up that which our culture most treasures for a life in Christ.   We reap the benefits of that great work that they laid the foundation for.  They believed in it and hoped for it.  We witness and experience it. 

And so we too can be miracles.  The great work is not finished.  Our own footsteps can be as faithful as theirs.  In Hebrews 11:1 it tells us that “faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. “  Indeed the faith of the pioneers is evidence that there was and is a greater cause to live for than the accomplishments and praise of the world.  Knowing that faith is a substance helps us understand the importance of nurturing and exercising it.  In Alma 32 we are given a great analogy about nourishing faith as a seed.  What can we do to nourish our faith?  Pray.  Read the words of God and his prophets.  Ponder and write.  In our fitness-crazed culture where we are encouraged to write down everything we take into our bodies, are we as careful and regular about what we take into our souls?  Is your spiritual food diary full of regular, nourishing feasts with plenty of snacks in between?  I know I have a lot of work to do to improve my spiritual diet.  When we nourish our faith, we are doing things that will invite the Holy Spirit to be with us.  We must also be aware of the many devices and distractions that drive His influence form our lives. 

Now that we know how to nourish faith, how do we exercise it?  In short, we follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost and keep the commandments.  We work toward having faith in EVERY footstep.  Not just the steps we take down the halls of the church or the temple.  Not just the steps that lead us to our knees in prayer.  When we truly have faith in every footstep, we are allowing Christ into every single part of our lives.  We are loving Him with all of our might, mind, and strength.  Success will begin to look less and less like the standards the world sets and more and more like a day where more footsteps were taken in faith.  We begin to see that every moment of our lives is really an opportunity to accept or reject Christ.  To walk by faith or by fear. 

The first  time I put this principle into practice was during a tantrum of my then 3 year old.  It was almost comical how something that would normally wind me up and fill me with temptations to be angry or hurtful or depressed became a fun challenge to see if I could remain in the Spirit.  Other footsteps may include getting people ready for church, spilled milk, misunderstandings with a spouse, problems at work, sickness, education—all of these steps can be taken in faith.  As we learn to increase our faithful footsteps, life becomes more fun and joyful.  We begin to see with an eternal perspective.  Our spiritual muscles become strong enough to be steadfast in Christ no matter what our circumstances are.  The cares of the world begin to slip away and we realize that we can experience peace and joy and rest in the Lord and enjoy His presence even while completing our life on this earth. 

My prayer for myself is that I will cease to be weary in well-doing.  That I will put my shoulder to the wheel—even that I will submit to the God-directed curriculum of my life and “ pick up my handcart and move on.” That I will strive to take more faithful footsteps each day.  I hope that I will remember the pioneers—not as a source of guilt and not merely because of their suffering, but as an example of their faith and true success.  I believe that they are some of the “angels round about us, ready to bear us up” and help us have faith in every footstep. 

Not-So-Lazy Summer Days

Suddenly I have one month left...
One month left to do some deep cleaning and projects and preparation for a new school year.
One month to enjoy late evenings and late mornings and having Dallin home more during the day.
One month to pack in fun family activities and enjoy my oldest son who seems to be gone all of the time during the school year.

I am looking forward to fall.  I always love the Autumn time.  I love the cool weather, the beautiful colors, the school supplies, the excitement about the new schedule.

And we have enjoyed our summer!  How we have enjoyed it!

Dallin has worked just Tuesdays and Wednesdays during his summer session.  It has been perfect!  He has been around more for trips and yard chores and helping me stay consistent with the schedule and I just love it!  I think he likes it, too.  Now he is off completely for a couple of weeks and we are looking forward to some quieter family work and play days at home.

We wrapped up our homeschool year with a co-op mom's retreat.  We made a quilt for one of our expectant mommies and went out to lunch and talked and talked...It was very fun and refreshing to have some uninterrupted conversations and it was great to spend time with some moms who won't be returning to co-op next year. 

Nathan was gone for most of two weeks for Timberline and his Scout Camp.  He had a neat experience with Timberline where the boys he was in charge of didn't seem excited or motivated at all at the beginning of the week.  He was so excited to see their motivation grow and to see them catch the vision and end the week really well!  He and Brandon have also been doing activities with the ward all summer to prepare for a Trek they did to the Manti temple.  We were really torn about having them go since it was the same time as both of our family reunions, but decided they should go to Trek.  I still wonder if I would do that again because I missed them so much at the reunion, but they had an amazing time at Trek. 

They have both been working hard in our yard to begin earning money for their missions.  They have done a huge drainage/landscaping project in the front yard that is still underway and they have continued the huge sanding project on the deck.  We have been really impressed at what they have been able to accomplish with very little coaching or help.  They are becoming such big, strong, hard workers! 

We've been able to do several temple trips with our homeschool friends.  One week we did 30 baptisms from my Dad's family history work.  I've done initiatories on several as well.  It is so exciting to be a part of this great work and to involve these youth in it.  After the temple, I bring the kids to my house and their moms and siblings can come for a couple of hours of play.  We are doing it in lieu of our homeschool park day that has seen smaller and smaller attendance over the years.  I think we all like park day at my house a lot better! 

I got to meet the 7th baby of one of my best best friends just hours after he was born at home and felt so privileged to be there in that sacred space on that special day. It reminded me that I have long felt called to be a midwife or doula someday when I manage to stop having babies of my own. 

Days later, we went to Idaho for Dallin's 20th reunion.  He has been working for many months on plans for the big dinner.  It turned out to be a fantastic success, and I know he is really proud of what he was able to put together.  It was a  little lonely for me.  I know several of his classmates, but I knew they were there to see each other so my brother in law Brady and I walked around and looked at the decorations.  We saw a corner where a few guys were sitting and talking and realized it was the "spouse" corner so we went over to say hi.  I ended up knowing one of the people there from choir in college and it was fun to catch up with him.

Dallin and the boys came home for a couple of days for him to work and then they made a big trip to do a hike down into the Grand Canyon.  It was a great trip for them, and we were happy to be in Idaho with my mom where we could enjoy air conditioning and cousins.  Seems when the cousins get together, they often share one sickness or another and this time was no exception.  We had a fever/sore throat not strep thing and a stomach bug going on at various times among various kids.  I was feeling slightly frazzled by the time Dallin came to pick us up and mentioned how nice it would be to have a week at my mom's without the kids.  He thought it was a great idea!  He took everyone but the baby and went home and I stayed and helped my mom with raspberries and we did sewing projects and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.  Sullivan got really comfortable with my parents, and wanted Grandpa to take him out to feed the geese and ride on the lawnmower everytime he woke up.  He had some fun times with my nephew Jared who was staying for a couple of days.  It was fun to think that I was Jared's age when Jared was Sullivan's age and how much fun I had with him then. 

We had both Sarajoy's and Ruby's birthdays in Idaho.  4 and 11 both seem like such big jumps!  Sarajoy was sick again this year, so that was sad.  She got a tinkerbell cake from my aunt and cousins and she still wears the rings that came on it. 

It was so fun to spend a few days at my mom's with my Aunt Maurine and her 2 daughters Connie and Debbie.  We grew up being with them every Christmas in Arizona.  Debbie and I have a lot of common interests, so it was great to stay up visiting with her and sharing ideas.  We all wish they all lived closer.  Simon wonders when we will get to go to Connie's house.  She is so great with the kids.

I got home from Idaho in time to welcome my friend Rebecca from Las Vegas and her 8 kids for a couple of days.  She is another one that is just a kindred spirit.  We love just talking and talking and so that's what we did plus a lot of cooking and cleaning up the kitchen!  Dallin was good to just let it happen and he laid low for those days.  I'm pretty sure it might have something to do with staying up too late too many nights in a row, but I got a horrible headache for a couple of days after that.  I guess I'm getting too old for talking into the wee hours, and it doesn't help that Sullivan woke every 30 mins to an hour that last night.

And then the family reunions were upon us and we still hadn't figured out if or how to manage both of them.  When we mapquested the directions from one place to another and saw it was over 4 hours, it seemed best to just stay and enjoy the one we had already paid deposits on.  We were really sad to miss out on being with the Millingtons and will make every effort to keep the reunions on separate weekends from now on!  At Lava Hot Springs with the Porters we enjoyed swimming, floating the river, and a zipline adventure park.  I definitely learned that I have some work to do on staying calm and loving when I am in that situation.  It was anything but relaxing to be constantly cooking, cleaning, getting ready for an adventure or the millions of trips to the bathroom that seemed way too far away!  Not to mention the boo-boos and mosquito bites that needed attention.  But it was definitely worth it to create such great memories for my family and to be with the people that I love so much.  It is amazing that we can all enjoy being together and just love each other even though we all have weaknesses and annoying behaviors.  I love how tolerant and peaceful my family is.

I feel like I could write so much more about each of these things, but there isn't time!  I am happily working along on my spiritual growth through all of these great experiences.  I am learning to accept my trials with gratitude and trying to teach my children to do better than I have done.  We are trying to welcome the Spirit into our lives more frequently.  I am recognizing the whisperings of the Spirit and the presence of angels in my life as I try to purify my behavior and focus more on the Savior.  The constant in that activity is an increasing humility and recognition of how little I know and how far I have to go and how much I really need to be Saved.  I do feel that the Lord is hastening his work and we are in the last days.  I have a growing hope that more and more will be willing to come unto Christ and that I can be a part of that gathering.  I also have a growing sadness and dread for those who choose to be lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God.  I am left in awe at the beauty of my life and the possibility for joy that is ever present because of the quest for the "brightness of hope"  that will ultimately lead to the "Perfect Day".


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Before They Slip Away

I need to record some significant events from the past month. 

May really flew by and the summer seems to be doing the same.

I wonder how Nathan kept up with all he had going on:  Soccer games, Les Miserables practices, Timberline meetings, piano lessons, end of year testing, and he managed to pull off the 4.0 he's been working on all year!  I know he was tired a lot, but I don't think he regrets any of it!  We even managed to get to the temple a time or two. 

I was able to drive a vanload of kids up to the Heber Valley Camp and be a shaperone for Shakespeare Showdown.  Kids from all over who have taken the Shakespeare Conquest class gather to perform for each other and do skits and workshops.  It was such a fun experience for me to get to know the homeschool kids a little better.  It was awesome to see how happy and excited they are about important things.  It was very fun to watch them perform in several different plays.  I especially loved seeing old friends who have moved away but their kids were participating and renewing friendships.  I got to spend lots of hours with my other homeschool mom friends that I adore. 

The whole experience would have been perfect except for one chubby14 month old.  He's cute, and the youth were very sweet to him. 
But he was NOT sweet to me.  He was NOT happy to be away from his own home and his own bed.  He was NOT about to let me sit through much of any plays unless he was napping in his carseat.  And though I had forseen the possibility that I might have to take him out of the cabin I was sharing with 16 other people if he fussed at night, I had no idea it would be so horrible.  It was truly the most horrible night of my life.  He only slept for maybe an hour before he woke up.  I tried to nurse him, but he would not, and he was screaming.  I rushed out of the cabin, hoping not to wake anyone.  It was freezing cold.  I got in my car and turned on the heater, but it wasn't helping much.  I was afraid I would fall asleep and run out of gas so I turned it off.  I put my writhing, screaming, mess of a child onto the van floor so I could dig up our picnic quilt that I always keep in the back of the van.  I reclined the passenger seat and I prayed and prayed and sang and sang.  He screamed and writhed and thrashed.  I have never seen him like this, and it was heartbreaking to not be able to help him.  2 hours later, he finally settled into a restless sleep on my chest.  I dozed in and out until I woke in a panic because I couldn't breathe with his weight on my chest.  My back was killing me from holding him in that position.  It was still dark outside.  I knew I had to change positions, but I was scared to walk in the pitch darkness back to the cabin only to have him start screaming again.  I dragged my blanket back to an empty seat.  I found a little baby jacket and wadded it up for a pillow (so not effective).  Meanwhile, he started in again so I placed him on the bench and tried to lie beside him and nurse.  He went back to sleep, but only about 30% of my body was actually on the seat.  I was sort of balancing there.  But I was so desperate for sleep that I still managed to doze until the glorious sun came up.  I got back to the cabin and tried to cuddle him in the bunk, but he would have nothing of it.  I laid there for as long as he would let me, pretending to be warm and comfortable for a few minutes before breakfast. 
Still, I was sad that we had to leave early.

The wind picked up and blew apart the scenery for Brandon's play.  They finally gave up and just parked a couple of vans behind the stage and did the best they could.  The difficulty brought out some really fun improvisations and I could tell they were really having a lot of fun despite the circumstances.  I think they were all really excited about how well they handled the adversity.  They pulled off a great performance!

As soon as Brandon's play was over, we headed back down the mountain.  We were cutting things pretty close to get back in time for Nathan's performance.  I only made it down the mountain and into town before I knew I would not be able to stay awake for the rest of the trip.  I stopped and got a big icy pop to help me stay awake.  I had a thought on the way that I should probably stop at the High School and give Nathan the pieces of his costume that Brandon had been using.  Just as I pulled up, Nathan walked out and got his stuff on.  It was great timing, and I'm so glad I didn't wait as he was getting nervous.  I got home and ate a couple of bites of pizza and got the little ones ready for the sitter and headed back down.  Nathan looked really great!  I could tell he was nervous, and I was nervous for him.  I hadn't really heard him sing since he asked me to help him try out in November.  His voice had changed a lot since then.  It was a wonderful, proud moment for me to hear him put his heart and soul into that and do such a great job!  He was Marius in the choral production of Les Miserables.  It was not the full stage play, but they sang most of the songs with an orchestra and the leads were in costume.  It was truly beautiful and deserved the standing ovation it got.  It was amazing for a Jr. High to achieve such excellence.  I am excited to get the DVD so I can watch it again! 

Insert two Simonisms:
He's sitting with a bunch of the youth from our neighborhood.  "Raise your hand if you believe in Santa."
They all raise their hands.  "Okay, that means you believe in your dad."

Nathan hosted the end of year party for his chamber choir.  It was awesome to be able to use our yard and our new lawn and see a bunch of good kids having a good time. 
One of the first girls to arrive was wearing a trendy, (but a little spooky outfit).  She had tight, black stonewashed jeans and a yellow shirt with black lace printed on it. 
Simon was sitting in the kitchen watching the kids arrive when he addressed this girl and her 2 friends:
"Raise your hand if you live in a haunted house."
He was a little puzzled that they all raised their hands...

We made a quick decision to head to Las Vegas to hear my nephew speak before leaving on his mission.  It worked out that a family in my sister's ward was on vacation and was willing to let us use their house.  It was so amazing and made it so much more possible and enjoyable.  We had a fabulous time.  The kids got to swim and play with cousins and eat lots of good food.  I got to catch up with my sister and her in-laws that I grew up with, hear Tanner's awesome talk, and go to Young Women with my nieces.  I also got to spend some time with my dear "kindred spirit" friend Rebecca who lives there.  We met in 2001 when we were living with my sister while Dallin did an externship to finish his Masters.  We have a lot in common and our kids consider each other cousins even though the relationship is pretty distant.  It was so much fun!

Then....BAM!  Summer was here and it was time to get a new schedule going and make plans.
Nathan's birthday came with lots of love and celebration from friends.  We got to see him a little, too.  We've already seen lots of cousins and are doing weekly temple trips and trying to plan and prepare for next school year.  The garden is growing and the yard is seeing progress so we can't ask for much more. 

Though I continue to hope for more than 2 hours of sleep in a row...

One is Fun--Really!

One-year-olds are hard for me.
It is the age I dread--much more than two.
It is the time that they change so quickly from sweet little baby into willful toddler.

He's one now, and he screams a lot.
He hits and pushes.
He refuses to use his signs.
He's too busy to nurse much during the day so he does it more and more at night.
He throws tantrums where he bangs his head on the floor, throws things, and hits.
He makes messes and is always asking for things he can't have.
He is absolutely grumpy miserable with his molars coming in.

BUT

He leads the music whenever the clock chimes.
He dances joyfully to any kind of music.
He sings songs about "mama" and "dada".
He loves to play with any kind of a ball he can get his hands on.
He can even kick a ball or make a basket.
He coos with glee when he sees his daddy or big brothers.
He cheerfully says "Hi!" to everyone he sees.
He always nurses right to sleep so I'm never up for long.
He drives cars and plays with toy animals and makes the sounds.
He makes goofy faces at the table so we'll laugh at him.
He loves to be chased around the kitchen island.
He rides his little scooty car around the kitchen.
He gets up and down the stairs in no time.
He plays with Sarajoy.
He likes to unload the dishwasher.
He laps up rain puddles.
He gets into the kitchen towel drawer and dresses up in them.
He steals socks out of my sock drawer and runs for it, giggling.
He can say "tickle" and knows where his chubbies are.
He loves to read stories.
He brings me his shoes so I'll take him outside.
He colors with chalk, digs in the sand, gets excited about flowers, helps pull weeds, and loves birdies.
He sometimes lets me cuddle him and give him rockabyes, and he sings, "ba-ba-bye" while we rock.
He takes a nap at 10, a nap at 3, and goes to bed at 8:00 pretty regularly.
He goes to bed very nicely with a paci in his mouth and one to rub on his eye.
He signs "more" whenever he sees anybody eating anything or whenever he hears a wrapper.
He's pretty much the cutest little fella you've ever seen sooooo...

I think I'll survive.
I'm pretty glad I have a one-year-old.

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Good Timing

Our Van has filled the measure of its creation.
On April 20th, I shuttled 13 young men and women and one other mom to Ogden for the final Speech and Debate tournament of the year.
I had a wonderful visit with a wonderful friend all the way there.  She is a good listener, though I wish she would talk more because I sense she is a well of wisdom.
It was a privilege to get to be a judge for parts of the tournament.
I could have lived without judging impromptu as I'm not a huge fan of arguing.
But it was incredible to judge oratory. 
What amazing young people and what incredible things they chose to speak about!
It was true excellence. 
Some of these youth have only been in the class for a year and they are truly amazing!
It was a long day, however, and my head was throbbing when we left the event.
The van was slightly noisy...quieted only momentarily by ice cream cones on the way home.
We left at 6:30am and got home after 8:00pm
Quite a remarkable day!  I'm so thankful that Sullivan was happy at home with Dad and the other kids.
The timing all worked out as he mostly nurses every hour or two at night.

We had some other notable experiences that witnessed to us that God is in the details and His timing is just right:

The following Monday, I knew I needed to get groceries as it hadn't happened on Saturday like usual.  Nathan had an afternoon orthodontist appointment as well as a game.  When a neighbor stopped by with a nametag one of our cats had lost in her yard, it seemed right to stay out and visit with her for awhile.  My visiting teacher stopped by unexpectedly and we had another visit. By then the shopping trip was looking impossible.  But it was my only day to do it.  I had about an hour to drive to the store, drive home, unload groceries, and pick up Nathan.  The girls helped me go quickly at the store.  Ruby came in the house with me to make sure the perishables made it into the fridge.  The rest was dropped on the floor to be put away later.  We hurried back down to the school to pick up Nathan.  How surprised I was to see that we were headed into Spanish  Fork with just enough time to get him to his appointment!  I hadn't had time to think about what the rest of us would do for that hour and a half.  I decided to call a friend from our old ward and she just happened to have some free time for us to visit.  The kids were thrilled to spend time with old friends, and I loved the chance to catch up.  We met Dallin at the orthodontist and drove up to Highland for Nathan's game.  We dropped him off, tried to find a geocache, and headed to Grandma Millington's for dinner.  Grandma and Grandpa spoiled us with pizza and veggies, ice cream and cookies, and the usual fun in their basement and  yard.  Linda and I had a great visit while we crocheted little animals.  Kent and Dallin and Brandon went to the game.  We were so glad as we drove into town late that night that the grocery shopping was done!  We felt like the day went so well, and we were full of gratitude that a potentially hectic and stressful day was smooth and calm.

I found out a couple of days later that the pageant Daisy had been asked to participate in was a month earlier than I thought...and I only had a couple of days to come up with a dress.  I had really looked forward to making her something fancy, along the lines of Ruby's baptism dress.  Daisy's dress was purchased from the store on a great sale, and though very lovely, was not as fancy.  The mother of the neighbor who asked us to participate said she had some fabric I could look at.  I knew I only had 2 days, so I decided to give it a shot.  The fabric I found was some lavender curtains that were sheer.  Daisy has always loved purple, so I decided to go home and see what I could figure out.  The idea of putting together a whole dress was still pretty daunting.  As I looked at her baptism dress and Ruby's and some other dresses and the patterns, I got a great idea!  Instead of making a whole new dress, I made a pullover skirt for her baptism dress.  I made it in the style of Ruby's baptism dress.  The ideas flowed, and I hardly had to re-do or take out any stitches.  It was miraculous.  I had just enough white satin roses in my stash to accessorize it.  I made a purple flower to pin on the bodice to tie the dress and the new over-skirt together.  It was lovely, and finished in time to show it to the neighbors the night before the pageant.  In the middle of this project, I was asked by Brandon's Shakespeare teacher to help with some costumes.  She came over for a couple of hours and we had another similar session of inspiration and things working out just right.  We designed and finished Puck's costume and worked on several others.  Brandon's authentic peasant shirt, doublet, and fake boots were ready just in time for his dress rehearsal, and he looked awesome! 
It was tempting to be frustrated by having all of this to do with such short deadlines, but I soon realized that it is such a gift and a joy to be creative and helpful.  I do love to sew!

It was fun to get Daisy all dolled up and have a girls' night at the pageant.  We weren't super-impressed with the pageant, but it was fun to have Daisy escort Morgan on the stage.  We were impressed with Morgan and glad she gave Daisy the neat opportunity to appear in the pageant as her "Little Miss". 

Brandon's Shakespeare play was really fantastic!  He did a great job and the whole thing was just as fun and silly as A Midsummer Night's Dream should be. 

I am so grateful to have had all of these great things work out with such great timing!  So grateful for each little miracle!  We are in Good Hands, for sure.

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