The Next Level

Squaw Peak June 4, 2011

I sat down and wrote about our camping trip while it was fresh on my mind.  It took me awhile to add the photos, but it was written right after we got home.

It is probably a good thing that I've let some time pass before I write about Squaw Peak. 

It was slightly more traumatic.


I was feeling pretty good about that Little Wildhorse Canyon hike!  I thought we could do just about anything if we could do that!  Dallin has been climbing peaks for the past several years.  He usually goes with his friend and his brother.  This year, he wanted to start including the boys.  As we talked about some of the hikes, he thought we should start with Squaw Peak above the Provo Temple. 
It is the easiest hike he takes his Scouts on.  Only takes them a couple of hours up and one hour down. 
I was picturing a bunch of 12 year old boys and thinking, "Two hours, we can do that!"

I suggested we take the whole family.

Dallin was a bit concerned.  The biggest hike we've done as a family is up to the Escalante Cross in Spanish Fork.  He really really likes to get to the top of the peak.  A family day hike is just not the same, and we had already done that at Squaw Peak.  We had walked up the trail with the kids, played on some rocks and around the river, and turned around and gone home.
I offered to stay behind with the little ones if they got too tired and let him and the bigger kids go on up. 
"Let's just try it and see what happens," I said.
We got to the parking area and ate our lunches in the pavilion.  We had planned to eat on the trail, but we were behind schedule and people were already hungry. 
I threw a few snacks and water bottles in a backpack and we were off.  Two hours, no problem.
Dallin had Sarajoy in a pack and I had Simon with me.  I was wearing a baby pack again, but wanted him to walk as much as possible.  It didn't take us long to get way behind Dallin. 
I was confused because my idea was that we would hike together for awhile and then I would take the little ones to the parking lot.  Dallin had the littlest one, though.
Simon was tired and grouchy about climbing from the start.  I kept trying to get his mind excited about what we were doing.  For awhile we followed the river and crossed bridges.  That part was great for him, though he kept wanting to stop and throw rocks in.   Nathan was with me because he was a bit under the weather and unable to keep up with Dallin.  Daisy was also with me. 
This first part of the trail is wide and covered with gravel.  It follows the river.  It is pretty steady as far as steepness, like a gradually rising walking path.  After crossing about 5 bridges, we came to the actual trailhead for Squaw Peak.  It was a narrow path through the woods.  Up we went, hoping to eventually catch Dallin.  By now I was having big ideas about making it to the top.  It seemed that Simon needed to stop about every ten feet.  He'd sit and dig in the dirt, look at ants, throw some rocks.  It was steep enough and I was getting tired enough that I just wanted to keep going.  Still, I noticed that taking these short breaks was surprisingly rejeuvinating. 
During our little rests, people would pass us coming down.  Simon would say, "I'm looking for my Daddy."  They'd assure us that they had seen him.  This was particularly soothing for my worry-wart Daisy who was scared that we had taken the wrong trail and we would NEVER find Daddy and be LOST!  There was a young couple who came down and saw me sitting there with 3 kids and a baby backpack on.  The guy said, "Whoa, do you have another kid in the pack as well?"  I told him that it was just in case we needed it.  He said, "We saw another guy up there with a baby in a backpack and a couple of kids!"  They were shocked when I told him that that was my husband.  They told us how brave we were, and I responded that we were just going to see how far we could get.  But I was thinking, "We can do it!  We'll get to the top!"  They gave us a handful of melted Jolly Ranchers.  They were sticky, but we welcomed them!  Just what we needed to give us a little boost!  We were pretty low on water at this point, and Dallin had all of the snacks with him.  I had no idea how long we'd been on the trail, but I'm pretty sure the 2 hour limit was long past.  The thing was, I kept thinking we were almost to the top.  Since I hadn't been up the trail I didn't realize that once you get to the top, you still have to go around to the front of the mountain and then climb the peak. 
At one point the trail became a small runoff stream with little waterfalls.  There were plenty of dry places to walk, but Simon got right in.  He was so proud of himself for climbing one of those waterfalls.  He wanted to stay there and play, but we had to go on!  I remember praying for angels to help my little guy make it up to the top.
We came up and over what I thought was the top and into a meadow.  My phone signalled that I had a text message.  I quickly called Dallin, hoping that he had reception still.  At that point, I wanted him to wait for us at the top.
"Where are you?", he asked.  He assumed that we had headed back to the car long ago, but was surprised when his calls to me weren't going through.
"We just got to a meadow." 
"YOU'RE AT THE FIRST MEADOW???"
Great, I thought.  We're still THAT far away?  I didn't realize that his surprise was not that we were still so far behind, but that we had made it that far.  A guy I had just met on the way told me we were still an hour from the top.  Dallin said they had made it in about 30 minutes.  I could do 30 more minutes, 30 more minutes.  Guess who got picked to be Simon's angel?  Yep, I put him in the backpack, hoping to make better time. 
We were already beginning to be rewarded for our efforts.  Breathtaking views of the mountains around us were on all sides.  When we got to where we could see the lake and Utah Valley, it was very exciting.  Daisy wondered why we needed to keep goin when we could already see the whole lake. 
One foot in front of the other, I plodded along with Simon on my back.  Finally we got to the final ascent, and I knew I could not carry him up that steep path.  I asked him if he could walk, and he cheerfully said, "I can."  I thought he said "I can't", and I almost despaired until Daisy said, "Mom, he said he CAN!"  I shakily pulled the pack off and pulled him out of it.  Up we went.  Up and Up.  He was very tired, and I was weary.  Just before this, we had halooed across a gulley and heard voices!  We knew we were getting very close.  The Eastern ridge was amazing!  Tall, snowy mountains loomed across the gorge.  Daisy and Nathan could feel the nearness and ran ahead.  Soon I heard footsteps above me and Brandon was coming down the trail to join us for the home stretch. 
As the peak became more narrow, it was very obvious that on either side was a drop of thousands of feet.  I was surprised at how nervous it made me.  There was no danger as far as the trail goes, but it was frightening to be that high.  My mind kept wandering off the edge.  I finally reached the peak and saw my kids lazily resting on rock overhangs that made it look like a gust of wind could carry them to their deaths!  My exhausted body did not have the nerve to enjoy it very much.  I allowed myself to get close enough to the edge to locate the temple, Elk Ridge, and a few other landmarks.  The most stunning view was of nearby Mt. Timpanogos and its beautiful, rolling green foothills.  It really was incredible, and I was terribly disappointed in myself for being so afraid.  Dallin assured me that the rocks the kids were resting on had another ledge below them that I couldn't see. 
They did have some water, but they had been at the top for 2 hours, so the snacks were all gone.  I did not know how I could possibly make it down that mountain.  Thankfully, Brandon had a yogurt in his pack that he hadn't eaten at lunch, and he gave it to me. 
All too soon, it was time to go down.  The sun was setting, and everyone was exhausted.  The plan was for Dallin to carry Simon and I would carry Sarajoy so we could just get down fast! 
I learned that standing at the bottom of a path looking up is very different than looking from the top down.  I just kept thinking, "Seriously??? Did you really bring your tiny kids up this treacherous path???  What were you thinking???"
My knees and ankles were so beyond thrashed.  Daisy was sobbing with pain, but there was nothing I could do to help her because I was already so maxed out with the load I had.  Dallin was in the same boat carrying Simon. 
At this point, childbirth was very vivid in my mind.  That feeling where you really want to give up, but you know that the only way to get it over with is to give in and suffer through it.  There was absolutely no relief for the pain that my legs were enduring. It seemed horrid that my little girl had to go through it.  
The three older kids had excitedly run ahead.  We asked people coming up the trail if they had seen them, and they assured us they were okay and having a great time. 
We finally got down to the gravel trail that has all of the bridges.  We cheered each time we came to a bridge, but again, I was stunned at how much steeper the path seemed on the way down than it had on the way up.  The loose gravel was brutal to my already thrashed ankles and knees.  Had it really been that LONG going up? 
Then came the point where I was able to look back and see the peak, the ledge where my children had been playing hours before.  It was so incredibly far away!  The trees looked so tiny.  I had certainly taken that view for granted many times before.  Never again.  I stared at it like a train wreck, re-living the suffering of the last 7 hours. 
The way home was rather quiet.  I assured Dallin that I would be perfectly happy to stay home with the little kids the next time he wanted to climb a mountain.  I wasn't sure if I would EVER be convinced to do that again.  And I was mad that fear of heights had gotten in the way of enjoying the reward.  I was pretty sure that I would much rather have had a baby, and at least gotten a baby out of it.  Isn't life hard enough, without making yourself suffer?  And for what?  To stand on top of a mountain and be scared?
And the PAIN.  It just didn't quit.  I hoped that sinking into my soft bed would be soothing enough, but no sleep would come.  I finally took some ibuprophen and had a good sob and went to sleep. 

It is interesting what a night's sleep and a little time between me and that experience did.  When I woke up, I was sore, but not too bad.  My shoulders and neck didn't hurt at all, which was surprising for how long I carried someone in the pack.  I couldn't help but enjoy the attention my kids got when they proudly told their church teachers that they climbed Squaw Peak. 

Each day the pain was a little better, and each day I felt a little more proud.  The "for what?" question began to be answered in my heart, though I don't know if I could ever express it in words. 
Today, twenty days later, I went to the temple for the first time since the hike.  (We have been on vacation for 2 weeks, so we hadn't returned during that time. )

I'll tell you that I was downright excited to see that peak. 

And there it was, looking so majestic with the rising sun behind it and the temple spire in front of it. 

My whole family climbed that mountain.  There is some ownership there. 

There is also a sense that because I did that, I know I can do other hard things. 

And maybe,
Just maybe,
I'd like to own another mountain.



The first group makes it to the top in about 2.5 hours.  Ruby's tears quickly dried when she saw the view.

 
 See why I was a bit terrified?

 That tiny line down there is the gravel trail we followed at the beginning.

 What can I say?  She was born to be on top of the world!

 It took a lot of courage for me to take this picture.  But I can tell you I wasn't about to go sit on that ledge.

 Here I am, much farther from the edge.  I'm pretty sure that is a fake smile.

 Hooray!  Hooray!  Hooray!  We made it to the next bridge!

 Tough little trooper on the last bridge.

That pointy thing is the Peak where we all stood!