Through the Valley: A Birth Story

The Lord is my Sheperd;  I shall not want.

Sunday got us through the last of the inconveniences of having this baby early.  I still wanted him to come early, and I would have dealt with the inconveniences, but now they were out of the way.  My mom was here.  Brandon's birthday was fully celebrated.  He was ordained. No reason not to come now, right?
 During Relief Society, they were talking about Priesthood blessings.  I remembered that that was what got Sarajoy's birth going.  I thought throughout the day if it would be appropriate.  We would be asking for the baby to be coming on his due date.  We were ready, and it made sense to make the most of the time my mom is here.  We decided that it made sense to go ahead with the blessing.  We both felt like we were making a decision based on our limited knowledge, so we left it up to the Lord's will and felt peace about it.  After the blessing, we did some preparation just in case, and after a strong contraction, we went to bed. 

As usual, I did not sleep well.  I did some indexing and sewing to stay busy during the wee small hours.  I climbed into bed as Dallin got up and had a little cry before falling asleep.  I was sad, but I was aware that I needed to do my part and trust God's will.  I stayed busy that day, pretty sure that the time wasn't right.  It is always great to be with my mom.  The kids' expectations were high that day, especially Ruby's since she is our only baby who came on her due date.  She wanted him to be her due date buddy.

Tuesday I had a harder time pushing the cloud away. Interestingly, throughout the day I had several people call or stop by with food or text me and tell me they were thinking of me.  I was thankful to feel that I wasn't forgotten by them or by the Lord.  It lifted my spirits considerably.  I had a checkup and an exam that morning.  There was little change from last week.  We didn't make a next appointment, however, which was encouraging.
 
I was extremely tired after dinner that day.  I went up to bed and asked Dallin if he wanted to watch part of a movie before we put the kids to bed.  "Courageous" was a very inspiring show.  It was really hard to watch because a family loses a child, but it was cleansing in a way as I was able to process some of the fears I'd been having about this baby not making it.  I felt that it helped me get in a place to fully accept the Lord's will, even if it was painful.  During the movie I started to have some contractions that were stronger than usual.  They were far apart, but I felt they might be leading to something.  I kissed my kids goodnight thinking that the time was close.  I didn't tell anyone, though.


Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:

I slept unusually soundly and deeply that night.  I think I went to bed at 10pm, which is 2 hours earlier than a "good" night.  I was occasionally aroused by a contraction, but was so thankful for the good sleep.  I knew the deep sleep could also be a sign of impending labor.  Then at about 3am, I had two contractions, fairly close together and quite painful.  After the second one, I felt some discharge and ran to the bathroom to see if it was the "show" that would mean labor for sure.  It was not.  It was a bloody mess, followed by the passing of a large clot attached to my mucous plug.     
This is it, I thought.  This is when I lose my baby.  I tried to check for movement, but could feel none.  It was hard to even try to get him to move because of the contractions. Yet I felt peace about it and knew the Lord would walk with me through whatever.  One way or the other, I knew that my wait would soon be over.

For Thou art with me.

I had Dallin give me a blessing and I called the midwife.  No answer.  Texted.  No answer.  Called my neighbor who used the backup midwife to get her number.  Called the backup midwife.  No answer.  Finally her husband answered and gave me her cell number.  She answered.
She did not seem thrilled to be hearing from me as she knew my midwife was back in town.  I just couldn't believe I wasn't getting any help!  I just wanted to know if I should go to the hospital or if what I was experiencing could possibly be normal! She said it could possibly be from dilating quickly, and to try my midwife again.  She said she would come check on baby for me except that she was already at a birth.  Oh.
Baby started moving.  Relief.
Finally, I got through to Cathy.  She said she felt like I should go have them check on the baby and evaluate the bleeding.  She said her assistant would meet us there.  She lives an hour away so it wasn't really practical for her to come.
I thought they would for sure find some reason to keep me there.  So much for waiting for my homebirth. It took quite awhile to get checked in, but it was great to hear that little heartbeat.  The bleeding was determined to be cervical.  The assistant told me that Cathy was also at a birth and that she (Liz) had been at a birth already that Day.  3 women came into Labor and Delivery while we were there as well.  Must have been something in the air!   So Dallin, Liz, and I waited out the monitoring and the call to the Dr. that would release us to go home and have this baby!  Dallin and I had a good chuckle when we realized that the last time we saw our family Dr. was for a vasectomy consultation.  While at the hospital, the contractions were moderate and 1-3 mins apart. 

When we got home, we were pretty tired.  I felt confident telling the kids and my friends that it was Baby Day.   A friend picked up Ruby and the little ones.  I tried to rest, but couldn't. Dallin and my mom were resting, so I walked over to my neighbor's to see if she would walk awhile with me.  It was fun to walk and talk.  I wondered if this birth was going to be like my first that took awhile to really get started.  I was okay with that.  I came home and welcomed the deep sleep that finally came.  When I got up, I felt restless and distracted.  The contractions were still not very strong or regular but they never went away. So much like Nathan's birth where I walked the halls of the hospital for 12 hours before finally showing some progress.  I woke Dallin up and told him I wanted to watch a movie.  It was the very long last half of Little Dorrit.  Thank goodness it was long.
 
By dinnertime, I was starting to feel a little discouraged.  It had now been longer than 12 hours, and I just didn't know what was going on.  I was feeling like my head was swelling with fluid, and it was making me miserable.  I asked my midwife to come to a baby check and blood pressure to make sure everything was okay. 

Everything was.  I had progressed a very small amount.  Then she said, "he'll probably come on the weekend."  She said she'd come on Friday and maybe break my water if I wanted.  I didn't hear much of anything she said after that.  I was just plain old mad.  I just wanted some validation that I was really in labor and that it would kick in any minute.  I was experiencing all the signs.  The weekend?  I just couldn't take it.  It was too much.  Sarajoy walked in just as the sobs started up.  She was so cute, asking me why I was crying and faithfully going to tell Dallin before she returned to comfort me.  I calmed down and was truly touched by her tenderness and love that she showed me.  We read some stories and had a nice bedtime.  I knew there were people waiting for an update, but I just could not stand to tell everyone it was a "false alarm".  I didn't want to see or communicate with anyone.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

 I slept a little, but woke feeling very very disturbed.  I felt embarassed and confused for getting my hopes and everyone else's up.  I wanted to disappear.  I didn't know what to do.  I was just completely out of it.  I was thinking about sneaking back to the hospital to get induced.  Thankfully I had enough of a brain left to rationalize myself out of most of the silliness that was coming to mind.  I decided that the best place to escape was outside.  I could at least feel like I was hiding a little. 
It was a lovely night, and the fresh air brought on a fresh wave of tears.  It was interesting to feel so hidden there in the open with the earth beneath me and the stars above me.  It was warm enough to lay on the grass for awhile, just letting the desperation that had been trying to clutch me for the past few weeks finally take its hold.  I prayed and begged for relief and for release, knowing that I was not being spiritually minded and accepting the Lord's will as I should.   I lay there thinking of hymns and scriptures and words of wisdom to help me, but they sank in with difficulty.  My heart felt so broken.  I finally forced myself to think over and over again what felt like a lie: "I'm thankful for this experience because I know it will help me grow into what I'm supposed to be."  I was so grateful for the stillness and beauty of the night.  I thought about walking for awhile, but leaving my property at 1 or 2am (I don't even know what time it was) alone did not seem wise.  I thought I'd walk around my yard.  I stood up and headed down the sidewalk and realized 2 things:  It was dark and scary in my backyard and I needed to go to the bathroom.  I came back into the house and crawled into bed feeling very low and humble indeed.
I knew that over 24 hours had passed since I thought labor had begun when I was awakened by some intense contractions.  "This must be what back labor feels like", I thought.  They would start in the front and peak and settle into my tailbone where the pain never quite left.  I must have been moaning or maybe one of the kids woke up, but something woke up Dallin so I asked him to put some pressure on my tailbone.  It helped take some of the intensity out of the backache.  I have previously delivered a 10lb baby who came out posterior, and it was pretty traumatic, though it had not included back labor.  I was not looking forward to another experience like that, but I'd take it.  The baby started to move a lot, and he must have turned because the back pain disappeared.  I got up to use the bathroom and felt saddened that I was scared to be excited and that my experience the previous day and that night had robbed me of some of the joy I usually feel when in labor.  It was 4am.  I was able to share some of my concerns with Dallin, especially that I was hesitant to call the midwife because I thought she might not believe that this was really it.  I had no tolerance for any doubt whatsoever.

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

I decided to wait an hour before I made any announcements or had Dallin set up the birth pool.  I just had him time contractions and he got things ready.  It was not long before any doubt was gone from my mind.  These were real and certainly getting more intense.  I had him go ahead and get the pool set up because I was thinking it would be helpful really soon, but I thought I'd better wait until 6 or so to get in because I did not want the warm water to stop labor.  Soon it was apparent that he was having difficulty getting the hose hooked up to anything.  I texted my midwife at about 5:30 and told her things were getting intense and she should come when she felt it was right.  I still wasn't really ready to talk to anyone.  During this period I was lying on my side on my bed breathing deeply through the contractions and resting, sometimes sleeping a little in between.  They were about 5 min apart.  I texted my friend Holly at 6 to go ahead and pick up my little ones and take them to co-op.  Ruby wanted to stay for the birth.  I was able to speak very little beyond that point.  I was focused inward, gathering courage as the pain gathered intensity.  I thought about Daisy's and Sarajoy's births and how exciting and even joyful they were.  I hoped that getting in the pool would give me enough relief to enjoy the experience more than I was at the time.  It wasn't until about 6:30 that Dallin finally got the hot water problem solved.  He duct taped the hose to the tub spout.  I heard him turn the water off and asked hopefully if I could get in.  He said it wasn't very full but we were out of hot water.  I'd had my mom begin warming water on the stove.  I went ahead and got in the pool because I just couldn't wait.   They kept addding hot water from the stove.  I was alone in the pool, but didn't mind.  The time between contractions was spent gathering courage to face and surrender to the next one.   I couldn't muster much excitement, but I was focused on doing the work and I was fine with it.  I tried sitting back and being on my side while in the tub, but mostly I was on my knees with my arms slung over the edge of the tub.  I sat back between most contractions.  Soon after I got in, Liz showed up.  She asked if I wanted to be checked and I said I'd wait.  I really wasn't comfortable being checked by anyone but Cathy.  I asked if Cathy was on her way and Liz said yes.  I appreciated that she wanted to be helpful but not intrusive.  She even asked if preferred being alone, and I did.  She helped me get a cool washcloth and ice when I needed it.  I remember asking Dallin what time it was and he said 7:20.  I was thinking that if things went according to my usual pattern, the baby should be born by about 9am.  For some reason that seemed a long way off when I heard what time it was.

He restoreth my soul:

 I asked for Dallin to come to me and told him I was at the end of my strength.  I was very very tired and the contractions were very very painful.  I asked for a blessing for some strength.  Soon after that, I began to feel like I wanted to get out of the pool and back on my bed.  I was having a hard time supporting my weight and I wanted to lie down, but I was scared that I wouldn't be able to cope without the water.  It suddenly occurred to me that I was probably in transition, and that was an exciting thought.  I got out and into bed and buzzed my lips through excruciating contractions.  How I welcomed the breaks in between!  Dallin was lying beside me holding my hand and I noticed we both slept between contractions.  I kept thinking I'd have someone check me, but I never felt like I could stand it.  I just started pushing a little at the end of contractions.  When it began to feel really good and relieve a lot of pressure to push, I knew it was right.  I pushed gently through several contractions before I got up on my knees into the position that I had birthed the last 3 babies.  Dallin got up to turn on the camera and I think Cathy showed up about then. 

Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

I wasn't aware of much except the pain.  The point came when the pushing quit feeling good and I had to face the final battle.  With each contraction I had to force myself to do something that seemed impossibly painful.  There were a few times where I just couldn't muster it, and I felt the baby slide back in.  That was enough to make me push harder the next time!  I wasn't really sure how close I even was.  I have never gone through labor without my progress being checked before.  I was completely relying on past experiences and my body's cues.  It was really awesome for the most part, but at the end it was kind of frightening because I knew I didn't want to be pushing for any longer than I had to.  I remember Brandon coming to the door and telling Dallin goodbye.  I remember the push where my water broke!  That was the first moment of real excitement because I finally knew this was real and my baby would be here soon.  I was pushing very hard and making plenty of noise.  I was suprised when they told me the head was out!  I hadn't felt it the way I remembered.  But I  felt each shoulder and was expecting the release to come after that but it didn't.  I had to give another big push to get that chubby belly out!  He was born into his Daddy's arms. 

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil:

It was finally over!  I usually can't wait to get my hands on that baby, but this time I was so exhausted I just had to hold still for a moment and let the pain wash away.  Then I wondered if Ruby got to see.  I hadn't been in the right mind to let anyone know that she wanted to be there.  She came right in, though, and I think it was close enough.  I also didn't realize that my mom had missed it.  She had been waiting outside with the little ones to get picked up and when she came in she heard the cry.  Then it was my turn.  I rolled onto my side and met my little boy!  How could I not weep to see him out and whole and alive? 
I held him close for several minutes while his respiratory system cleared up.  It seemed to take awhile longer than the other kids, but I was perfectly content to lie there and cuddle with him while he worked it out.  Dallin picked him up and held him face down for a minute to let gravity help out, and Cathy used the bulb syringe minimally in his mouth and nose.  That was enough for him to start nursing, and he did great!  He nursed on both sides while the midwives emptied the pool and cleaned up.  It was so peaceful and nice. 
Then it was time for the newborn exam.  He weighed in at 9lbs 10oz and was 21.5" long.  He had a big 14.5 inch head, but still not as big as Nathan's 15-incher!  His belly was 15.5, though! 
The rest of the day was bliss.  We cuddled the sleepy babe and texted and took pictures and enjoyed the peace of a mostly empty house.  Ruby was there, silently soaking it all in.  The midwives let her cut the cord and showed her the placenta.  She helped dress him and finally got to hold him for awhile.
 My friend Elisa came and we had a nice visit and took some pictures with Cosette and Sullivan.  The other kids' arrivals were staggered just right.  Simon and Sarajoy showed up at around 2:00 from co-op.  Katherine came in for a little peek when she dropped them off.  They were so cute and excited.  Sarajoy was perfectly content to have a nice long turn holding him.  Simon was soon off to have some baby day celebration treats that the kids had all been anticipating.  Next to arrive was Nathan just after 3:00.  He usually goofs off with his friends for a few minutes after getting off the bus, but not today!  He came right in and had his turn snuggling.  "Are we really naming him Sullivan?  That wasn't a joke? None of my friends really like that name."  My response: "They'll get used to it!"  Brandon came bursting through the door a little earlier than usual and not with Daisy at his heels.  "I couldn't stand it.  I got off at the first stop and ran home and hopped the fence!"  So he got his own turn while the bus brought Daisy around to our stop.  "I just can't stop smiling when I look at him."  Then sweet Daisy came in and "just couldn't believe he was here" and how cute he was!  She is still just in awe that he's really ours.
 Lovely neighbors Trina and Autumn came in for a peek when they brought dinner.  Dallin and Mom and I stayed up making sure everyone was informed and trying to get all the pictures to post. 

My cup runneth over.

Amidst the bliss there was a little lonely part of me saying, nobody really knows what I've suffered.  There were feelings that still needed to be processed.  I was enjoying myself and knew they could wait, but I felt differently about this birth than others.  More subdued and sobered and humbled by it.  So deeply grateful for the little life in my arms.  In awe of the miracle and majesty of the experiences we are able to have on this earth. 
That night when I was outside suffering and that morning as I was inside enduring, I thought I could never do it again.  How could it possibly be worth it? 
But IT IS!  It is. 
It is worth it to wait and worry and ache and suffer and submit and surrender and feel.
Why?  What do I get from it? 
I get to bring my baby into the world in the sacred confines of my own home where trust reigns over fear.  My husband's flesh gets to be the first to touch and hold his little body.  My daughter's hands are the ones that separate his body from mine.  His mother's arms and breasts are the things that get him breathing clearly.  It is beautiful.   
I did have to pay a price for this experience, but within moments I saw that the price was small compared to the reward.  I got a bargain, and as usual with Our Loving Father, He gives so very much in the growth experiences themselves that the sacrifice seems small indeed.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.

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