Humbled

This post has been swimming around my mind for weeks.

A combination of busyness, fear, and not knowing exactly what to write or how to say it have kept it from reaching print.

It is not a comfortable season to have my weaknesses continually before me, creating seemingly impassable stumbling blocks each time I make a commitment to work a little harder, sacrifice a little more, be a little better, overcome another bad habit.

But I know that it is important, a gift.  A chance to be humble and let the Lord help make weak things become strong. 

I feel so, so weak.

It is hard to have hope that I could ever be strong in these areas that have haunted me my whole life. 
It is hard to fight off the feelings that I am entirely responsible, that I have to do it on my own. 
It is hard to know what to say when people say, "How are you?"

"Actually, I've been fighting dark thoughts and personal demons on an almost constant basis for several weeks."  Somehow that just doesn't come out.

So instead I say, "I'm fine, how are you?"

And really, I am.
 I AM happy. 
I have a great life and lots of little things to make me happy. 

But I AM hurting.  I am hurting inside with fear of losing control or fear of hurting someone I love or fear that I will never be able to take care of this body and this home and this family in the ways that I know to be ideal.

I am hurting physically.  I stand up and it hurts.  I move and it hurts.  If I do anything strenuous, I pay for it the next day.  I am always so, so tired. 
And my baby has stopped sleeping through the night and I felt that getting sleep was my one saving grace.  The one thing keeping me sane. 

I am feeling abandoned by my husband who is hurting in his own ways and cannot bear for me to be having problems.  I know he does not mean for me to feel this way.  I know he may feel similarly abandoned by me.
It is just so hard when we are both struggling at the same time. 

I feel lonely.
But I know I am not alone. 
I am not alone.

One night as I lay half-asleep between night wakings of sick kids and husband I felt the Spirit whisper:
"Do not be afraid, trust me, everything will be okay."

Another day I felt myself slipping into despair and the thought came, "Get back into the light."
And I did.

And sometimes when my body aches, I can actually feel thankful for it, knowing that each little twinge of pain is a chance for me to think of Jesus and what he did for me. 

When I drove our loaded down van through canyons to get to our family reunion I thought there might be some guardian angels keeping that old beast running for us long enough to save up for a car that actually fits the family. 

I hesitate to post about this, but I sense that there might be someone else out there feeling the same way who  might need to know that they are not alone either. 

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