A Desert in Bloom

I am still alive. 

Last night I wondered.  I was trying not to worry, but for the 2nd night in a row I felt jittery, my heart was skipping beats, I couldn't think straight and I had this weird headache.  Not to mention the after effects of a week of brutal nursing due to baby teething.

I was SO tired, yet I couldn't sleep. 

When I get that tired, I start to fear sleep because I know it will be so painfully interrupted in such a short time.  My prayers are somewhere along the lines of: I know this is good for me, but I don't like it.  Help me survive.

Then I usually fall asleep for awhile, but not last night.  And the longer I lay there, the more I wondered if I WOULD survive.  My heart was really scaring me! I had felt tired and weird and sick before, but nothing like this. 

Then my imagination got the best of me and I started imagining scenarios of my life (or death) with a heart condition.  I've tried so hard to be okay and at peace with whatever circumstances come my way lately.  I tried to submit, even to this.  I'm not afraid to die, but I did not want to think of watching my husband and kids go through the sadness of that kind of tragedy.

Suddenly, I was thinking of them instead of myself, and it was glorious.

I thought of my fat little baby who is so unpredictable and needy yet he is the love and life of our family.  How he adores his Daddy and big brothers so much that I can feel him trying to will himself into their arms.  How he has an amazing sense of humor for a 7 month old, and how much I love to laugh with him.  How he communicates so well.  I swear he says words sometimes.  Today he said "num-num" and smacked his lips when he wanted to eat! His awkward efforts to get his body to move that end in slow-motion head bonks and faceplants. His fat little dimpled hands and wrists that hide deep in a fat roll.  My fine fat fella, I'm glad he's mine.

I thought of my little friend Sulley (now spelled Sulli, according to him) who wants 3 of everything, "same as his age".  Especially 3 bowls of cereal.  He sweetly thanks us for caring for him at night or when he is sick.  He always wants to be dressed up as a super hero, and loves to chase Simon and get a reaction out of him.  He likes to calmly inform me when he has chosen to "stay up", and sometimes, when he has a nap, I let him stay up and exercise with his big brothers.  He makes wonderful drawings of  people and one day started writing his name all on his own in the cutest way.  On the verge of 4 and the 7th child he can seem so grown up and so little at the same time.  I adore him.

I thought of my wonderful Babe, Sarajoy.  I wonder if she will ever outgrow that little nickname.  She is rocking a snaggle tooth right now in the most fabulous way.  I love her fiercely. Her independence, her matter-of-fact approach to things, her giggle that she can't keep back even when she tries.  Her do-it-herself outfits, makeup, and nails that meet her satisfaction so who cares what anyone else thinks!  How she tries so hard to heft around and take care of her giant little baby brother.  When that doesn't work, one of her many baby dolls will suffice.  How she sings all the time, sometimes with the cutest little vibrato that she is kind of excited about.  How it hurts me that her big sisters are moving on in life without her.  How she handles it gracefully, playing or watching princess movies on her own or joining in with the little boys. 

Then a clear picture of Simon came to my mind.  How I've noticed there's not a shred of baby fat left on his lean body.   How he is looking so grown up and handsome.  How he comes to me for hugs and snuggles lately.  How he rages and loves and enjoys all the way to the edges.  How he likes me to practice violin with him again.  How he tells silly jokes and makes weird sounds and is so full of life and energy.  How I want everyone to understand his intensity like I do so they won't misjudge him.

Can I freeze Daisy as she is right now?  No, it wouldn't be right, but she makes a pretty picture.  She is a pleasant and giving person.  Without guile.  She is the champion baby-whisperer at our house.  She likes to watch girly movies with me like Anne of Green Gables and Little Women.  She fits in nicely just about anywhere because she just loves to be with people.  She's at the magical age where she is old enough to be helpful and young enough to still want to please.  Old enough to do really fun things and young enough to still enjoy a good game of house or camping or little animals.  I know I can depend on her.  Wonderful, beautiful girl!

I think of mysterious Ruby who grows more beautiful and womanly by the day.  She's content to have a happy Harry Potter obsession awaiting her whenever she gets bored.  Quietly, as always, she does her chores and all of her school assignments.  Even the ones I give her.  She has started to come out of the sleepy fog of early teenagehood and hang around her big brothers and help out around the house more.  I can't get her to sing silly songs with me, but I can usually still get her to laugh.  She has an almost secret relationship with the baby.  While the other kids want to be where he is and tell me everything he does because he is where the attention is, she is the one who will talk to him and encourage him when everyone else leaves the room. She's the one behind the scenes making him magically appear clean and dressed or moved to a new location when he gets bored. 

Gentle, funny, restless Brandon holds my heart.  He is so sincere and ready to talk about what is on his mind and in his heart.  And the next moment ready to make an outlandish noise or comment that can raise an eyebrow and a chuckle at the same time.  He is anxious to be out in the world, but doing such a great job of being home because that is the answer he received for himself this year.  Big ideas, big heart, big spirit.  No wonder he is the tallest in the family.  When it seems that everyone else is exasperated with the baby Brandon will wedge him into a corner of the couch and get out the guitar and sing to him.  Corban will sit and soak it all in, mesmerized.  Several times now he has won Corban from me. Very handsome he is, and such a good friend. 

I think of Nathan trying to launch himself into adulthood.  How can a person be so ready and so not ready at the same time?  He is a kind person, to everyone.  He has big dreams and wants to be a part of everything.  He is so busy that we miss him already.  I love his gentleness with the kids, how he will laugh at what they say even if it is not very funny.  He'll chuckle at the little ones when what they do or say is funny.  He is pleasant to have at home.  He works hard, he plays hard, he studies hard. He has learned some hard lessons and come through them a better person.  Handsome and stylish and talented and good.  Proof that short people can do big things. 

Steady, responsible, dutiful, thoughtful Dallin. He takes such good care of us. He is affectionate and devoted and loyal to all of the right things.  He is humble and sincere and purposeful.  I am so so much better because I know him.  He carries a heavy burden with care and seriousness and diligence.  He knows where to look for strength. I love him all the way.  It is a privilege to be loved by him.

This morning as I made a doctor's appointment to have my heart checked, I thanked God that I was able to savor the experience of appreciating each member of my family.  Somehow in the most desolate places He shows us roses.