I should have known better than to send Dallin off on a campout without any misgivings. Stuff ALWAYS happens when he's gone. It's the time where I'm always stretched to the breaking point and then someone throws up or a pipe bursts or a car breaks down or something that reminds me how much I depend on him and leaves me feeling like he's never there when I really need him.
But for some reason I wasn't that worried. I have learned to cope with his frequent weekenders with the Boy Scouts by making the time "me" time. I give myself a night off of dinner making and have the kids fend for themselves with toast or cereal or whatever they can fix. I give myself permission to read or write or watch movies I like.
My only concern was that with Corban's terrible and unpredictable sleeping patterns I had gotten used to waking at 8 or 9am. He tended to get his longest stretch of sleep during those morning hours. On that Friday night, I was a little concerned about getting up early enough to have Ruby to her drop off point by 7am so she could go to a tournament. I knew it would be tricky getting up that early and making myself go out in the cold, but I could tough it out.
I proceeded to have one of the worst nights I have ever had. Corban started out waking every half hour. That set of my adrenal system so that every sound I heard would wake me in a heart-racing panic. It got to the point where even if Corban was sleeping, I was unable to. Then the anxiety would build because I was worried about being too tired to drive Ruby and I felt trapped in a vicious cycle. And I was completely alone and scared about my heart and scared about my mental state. It got to the point where the baby was no longer interested in nursing. I'd get him settled just so, only to have him wake a few minutes later. He was frustrated about being alone in his crib, but he was even more frustrated being close to me in my bed. By 5am I had hardly slept at all, and I was beside myself with anxiety and sleep deprivation. I had to put him in his little crib in his little room where he proceeded to scream with all of his might.
I was crying out in my mind for help, for someone to come rescue me from the nightmare. I was not emotionally strong enough to call any neighbors that early in the morning for help, even though I can hardly think of a time where I needed help more. This was completely unreasonable as I have any number of friends who would have come to my rescue, but reason had all but left me hours ago. I felt so alone and frustrated that it seemed that at my most desperate moments I never had anyone to help me. As I prayed and plead, the idea was whispered to my heart to turn on the light. That always helps, and it did.
"Call Dallin." Yeah, right! I thought (in my loudest thinking voice). He NEVER answers his phone on campouts. Even if he has service, he never hears his phone and usually turns it off at night.
But I had to try something, and if he didn't answer it would add some ammunition to my pity-party. Small comforts.
But he answered. Truly, a miracle. Somewhere to land my crazed, desperate thoughts. Someone to share the burden and at least know how bad it was. Someone to help me calm down a bit.
It calmed me enough that after a prayer of gratitude for Dallin and of help to carry on I was able to get the baby from the bed and rock him to sleep. It was 6:00am. My alarm was set for 6:15 to wake Ruby. I decided to go for whatever sleep I could get. I fell immediately to sleep and my alarm immediately went off.
I got up and woke Ruby and was wondering and worrying about leaving all of the kids asleep. I would have to wake Daisy and tell her to listen for Corban. I know she would be worried, but I was not about to wake him up and take him out in the cold. Then my alarm went off again, and I woke and realized that the bit about waking Ruby and worrying had all been a dream. I got up and woke Ruby (for real) and told her to get up and wake me when she was ready to go. I promptly fell asleep, and all-too-soon my alarm went off. I got up and woke Ruby and went downstairs to get some breakfast. Suddenly, a knock at the door revealed my Uncle Royal, looking dashing in his 1940's traveling attire and carrying a big old-fashioned suitcase. I showed him to the guest room and went upstairs to wake Daisy. I told her that I was leaving to take Ruby. "If Corban wakes up, just lie in my bed next to him. Don't worry. If he is too much to handle, Uncle Royal is here and he can hold him for you."
"Mom"...
My eyes flew open. It was Ruby. Another dream.
But I did go tell Daisy to lie down by my Corban Royal if he woke. And I certainly felt calmer about leaving, knowing he was in good hands.
I like to think there is a special connection there, between Royal and his namesake, Corban Royal. Maybe he was the one assigned to bring relief when I petitioned the heavens to send someone.
I wasn't expecting my long-suffering, good natured uncle Royal who died when I was in high school, but I'm grateful for the dream of him that brought me some peace and comfort. I do believe that however it works, our loved ones on the other side of the veil are aiding us and cheering us on.
And I'm grateful that I can trust God to send the best kind of help when I'm in need.
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