Before They Slip Away

I need to record some significant events from the past month. 

May really flew by and the summer seems to be doing the same.

I wonder how Nathan kept up with all he had going on:  Soccer games, Les Miserables practices, Timberline meetings, piano lessons, end of year testing, and he managed to pull off the 4.0 he's been working on all year!  I know he was tired a lot, but I don't think he regrets any of it!  We even managed to get to the temple a time or two. 

I was able to drive a vanload of kids up to the Heber Valley Camp and be a shaperone for Shakespeare Showdown.  Kids from all over who have taken the Shakespeare Conquest class gather to perform for each other and do skits and workshops.  It was such a fun experience for me to get to know the homeschool kids a little better.  It was awesome to see how happy and excited they are about important things.  It was very fun to watch them perform in several different plays.  I especially loved seeing old friends who have moved away but their kids were participating and renewing friendships.  I got to spend lots of hours with my other homeschool mom friends that I adore. 

The whole experience would have been perfect except for one chubby14 month old.  He's cute, and the youth were very sweet to him. 
But he was NOT sweet to me.  He was NOT happy to be away from his own home and his own bed.  He was NOT about to let me sit through much of any plays unless he was napping in his carseat.  And though I had forseen the possibility that I might have to take him out of the cabin I was sharing with 16 other people if he fussed at night, I had no idea it would be so horrible.  It was truly the most horrible night of my life.  He only slept for maybe an hour before he woke up.  I tried to nurse him, but he would not, and he was screaming.  I rushed out of the cabin, hoping not to wake anyone.  It was freezing cold.  I got in my car and turned on the heater, but it wasn't helping much.  I was afraid I would fall asleep and run out of gas so I turned it off.  I put my writhing, screaming, mess of a child onto the van floor so I could dig up our picnic quilt that I always keep in the back of the van.  I reclined the passenger seat and I prayed and prayed and sang and sang.  He screamed and writhed and thrashed.  I have never seen him like this, and it was heartbreaking to not be able to help him.  2 hours later, he finally settled into a restless sleep on my chest.  I dozed in and out until I woke in a panic because I couldn't breathe with his weight on my chest.  My back was killing me from holding him in that position.  It was still dark outside.  I knew I had to change positions, but I was scared to walk in the pitch darkness back to the cabin only to have him start screaming again.  I dragged my blanket back to an empty seat.  I found a little baby jacket and wadded it up for a pillow (so not effective).  Meanwhile, he started in again so I placed him on the bench and tried to lie beside him and nurse.  He went back to sleep, but only about 30% of my body was actually on the seat.  I was sort of balancing there.  But I was so desperate for sleep that I still managed to doze until the glorious sun came up.  I got back to the cabin and tried to cuddle him in the bunk, but he would have nothing of it.  I laid there for as long as he would let me, pretending to be warm and comfortable for a few minutes before breakfast. 
Still, I was sad that we had to leave early.

The wind picked up and blew apart the scenery for Brandon's play.  They finally gave up and just parked a couple of vans behind the stage and did the best they could.  The difficulty brought out some really fun improvisations and I could tell they were really having a lot of fun despite the circumstances.  I think they were all really excited about how well they handled the adversity.  They pulled off a great performance!

As soon as Brandon's play was over, we headed back down the mountain.  We were cutting things pretty close to get back in time for Nathan's performance.  I only made it down the mountain and into town before I knew I would not be able to stay awake for the rest of the trip.  I stopped and got a big icy pop to help me stay awake.  I had a thought on the way that I should probably stop at the High School and give Nathan the pieces of his costume that Brandon had been using.  Just as I pulled up, Nathan walked out and got his stuff on.  It was great timing, and I'm so glad I didn't wait as he was getting nervous.  I got home and ate a couple of bites of pizza and got the little ones ready for the sitter and headed back down.  Nathan looked really great!  I could tell he was nervous, and I was nervous for him.  I hadn't really heard him sing since he asked me to help him try out in November.  His voice had changed a lot since then.  It was a wonderful, proud moment for me to hear him put his heart and soul into that and do such a great job!  He was Marius in the choral production of Les Miserables.  It was not the full stage play, but they sang most of the songs with an orchestra and the leads were in costume.  It was truly beautiful and deserved the standing ovation it got.  It was amazing for a Jr. High to achieve such excellence.  I am excited to get the DVD so I can watch it again! 

Insert two Simonisms:
He's sitting with a bunch of the youth from our neighborhood.  "Raise your hand if you believe in Santa."
They all raise their hands.  "Okay, that means you believe in your dad."

Nathan hosted the end of year party for his chamber choir.  It was awesome to be able to use our yard and our new lawn and see a bunch of good kids having a good time. 
One of the first girls to arrive was wearing a trendy, (but a little spooky outfit).  She had tight, black stonewashed jeans and a yellow shirt with black lace printed on it. 
Simon was sitting in the kitchen watching the kids arrive when he addressed this girl and her 2 friends:
"Raise your hand if you live in a haunted house."
He was a little puzzled that they all raised their hands...

We made a quick decision to head to Las Vegas to hear my nephew speak before leaving on his mission.  It worked out that a family in my sister's ward was on vacation and was willing to let us use their house.  It was so amazing and made it so much more possible and enjoyable.  We had a fabulous time.  The kids got to swim and play with cousins and eat lots of good food.  I got to catch up with my sister and her in-laws that I grew up with, hear Tanner's awesome talk, and go to Young Women with my nieces.  I also got to spend some time with my dear "kindred spirit" friend Rebecca who lives there.  We met in 2001 when we were living with my sister while Dallin did an externship to finish his Masters.  We have a lot in common and our kids consider each other cousins even though the relationship is pretty distant.  It was so much fun!

Then....BAM!  Summer was here and it was time to get a new schedule going and make plans.
Nathan's birthday came with lots of love and celebration from friends.  We got to see him a little, too.  We've already seen lots of cousins and are doing weekly temple trips and trying to plan and prepare for next school year.  The garden is growing and the yard is seeing progress so we can't ask for much more. 

Though I continue to hope for more than 2 hours of sleep in a row...

One is Fun--Really!

One-year-olds are hard for me.
It is the age I dread--much more than two.
It is the time that they change so quickly from sweet little baby into willful toddler.

He's one now, and he screams a lot.
He hits and pushes.
He refuses to use his signs.
He's too busy to nurse much during the day so he does it more and more at night.
He throws tantrums where he bangs his head on the floor, throws things, and hits.
He makes messes and is always asking for things he can't have.
He is absolutely grumpy miserable with his molars coming in.

BUT

He leads the music whenever the clock chimes.
He dances joyfully to any kind of music.
He sings songs about "mama" and "dada".
He loves to play with any kind of a ball he can get his hands on.
He can even kick a ball or make a basket.
He coos with glee when he sees his daddy or big brothers.
He cheerfully says "Hi!" to everyone he sees.
He always nurses right to sleep so I'm never up for long.
He drives cars and plays with toy animals and makes the sounds.
He makes goofy faces at the table so we'll laugh at him.
He loves to be chased around the kitchen island.
He rides his little scooty car around the kitchen.
He gets up and down the stairs in no time.
He plays with Sarajoy.
He likes to unload the dishwasher.
He laps up rain puddles.
He gets into the kitchen towel drawer and dresses up in them.
He steals socks out of my sock drawer and runs for it, giggling.
He can say "tickle" and knows where his chubbies are.
He loves to read stories.
He brings me his shoes so I'll take him outside.
He colors with chalk, digs in the sand, gets excited about flowers, helps pull weeds, and loves birdies.
He sometimes lets me cuddle him and give him rockabyes, and he sings, "ba-ba-bye" while we rock.
He takes a nap at 10, a nap at 3, and goes to bed at 8:00 pretty regularly.
He goes to bed very nicely with a paci in his mouth and one to rub on his eye.
He signs "more" whenever he sees anybody eating anything or whenever he hears a wrapper.
He's pretty much the cutest little fella you've ever seen sooooo...

I think I'll survive.
I'm pretty glad I have a one-year-old.

..

Good Timing

Our Van has filled the measure of its creation.
On April 20th, I shuttled 13 young men and women and one other mom to Ogden for the final Speech and Debate tournament of the year.
I had a wonderful visit with a wonderful friend all the way there.  She is a good listener, though I wish she would talk more because I sense she is a well of wisdom.
It was a privilege to get to be a judge for parts of the tournament.
I could have lived without judging impromptu as I'm not a huge fan of arguing.
But it was incredible to judge oratory. 
What amazing young people and what incredible things they chose to speak about!
It was true excellence. 
Some of these youth have only been in the class for a year and they are truly amazing!
It was a long day, however, and my head was throbbing when we left the event.
The van was slightly noisy...quieted only momentarily by ice cream cones on the way home.
We left at 6:30am and got home after 8:00pm
Quite a remarkable day!  I'm so thankful that Sullivan was happy at home with Dad and the other kids.
The timing all worked out as he mostly nurses every hour or two at night.

We had some other notable experiences that witnessed to us that God is in the details and His timing is just right:

The following Monday, I knew I needed to get groceries as it hadn't happened on Saturday like usual.  Nathan had an afternoon orthodontist appointment as well as a game.  When a neighbor stopped by with a nametag one of our cats had lost in her yard, it seemed right to stay out and visit with her for awhile.  My visiting teacher stopped by unexpectedly and we had another visit. By then the shopping trip was looking impossible.  But it was my only day to do it.  I had about an hour to drive to the store, drive home, unload groceries, and pick up Nathan.  The girls helped me go quickly at the store.  Ruby came in the house with me to make sure the perishables made it into the fridge.  The rest was dropped on the floor to be put away later.  We hurried back down to the school to pick up Nathan.  How surprised I was to see that we were headed into Spanish  Fork with just enough time to get him to his appointment!  I hadn't had time to think about what the rest of us would do for that hour and a half.  I decided to call a friend from our old ward and she just happened to have some free time for us to visit.  The kids were thrilled to spend time with old friends, and I loved the chance to catch up.  We met Dallin at the orthodontist and drove up to Highland for Nathan's game.  We dropped him off, tried to find a geocache, and headed to Grandma Millington's for dinner.  Grandma and Grandpa spoiled us with pizza and veggies, ice cream and cookies, and the usual fun in their basement and  yard.  Linda and I had a great visit while we crocheted little animals.  Kent and Dallin and Brandon went to the game.  We were so glad as we drove into town late that night that the grocery shopping was done!  We felt like the day went so well, and we were full of gratitude that a potentially hectic and stressful day was smooth and calm.

I found out a couple of days later that the pageant Daisy had been asked to participate in was a month earlier than I thought...and I only had a couple of days to come up with a dress.  I had really looked forward to making her something fancy, along the lines of Ruby's baptism dress.  Daisy's dress was purchased from the store on a great sale, and though very lovely, was not as fancy.  The mother of the neighbor who asked us to participate said she had some fabric I could look at.  I knew I only had 2 days, so I decided to give it a shot.  The fabric I found was some lavender curtains that were sheer.  Daisy has always loved purple, so I decided to go home and see what I could figure out.  The idea of putting together a whole dress was still pretty daunting.  As I looked at her baptism dress and Ruby's and some other dresses and the patterns, I got a great idea!  Instead of making a whole new dress, I made a pullover skirt for her baptism dress.  I made it in the style of Ruby's baptism dress.  The ideas flowed, and I hardly had to re-do or take out any stitches.  It was miraculous.  I had just enough white satin roses in my stash to accessorize it.  I made a purple flower to pin on the bodice to tie the dress and the new over-skirt together.  It was lovely, and finished in time to show it to the neighbors the night before the pageant.  In the middle of this project, I was asked by Brandon's Shakespeare teacher to help with some costumes.  She came over for a couple of hours and we had another similar session of inspiration and things working out just right.  We designed and finished Puck's costume and worked on several others.  Brandon's authentic peasant shirt, doublet, and fake boots were ready just in time for his dress rehearsal, and he looked awesome! 
It was tempting to be frustrated by having all of this to do with such short deadlines, but I soon realized that it is such a gift and a joy to be creative and helpful.  I do love to sew!

It was fun to get Daisy all dolled up and have a girls' night at the pageant.  We weren't super-impressed with the pageant, but it was fun to have Daisy escort Morgan on the stage.  We were impressed with Morgan and glad she gave Daisy the neat opportunity to appear in the pageant as her "Little Miss". 

Brandon's Shakespeare play was really fantastic!  He did a great job and the whole thing was just as fun and silly as A Midsummer Night's Dream should be. 

I am so grateful to have had all of these great things work out with such great timing!  So grateful for each little miracle!  We are in Good Hands, for sure.

..

New Member

"You really said those words?  You really prayed for a Grandma??"

Spoken by my husband as I explained to him the miracle that seemed to be unfolding before us. 

Yes, I had prayed for a Grandma.   I've been praying for one almost daily for months.  I just figured there must be someone out there that really needs a family to be involved in, and I could really use another adult around the house.  So I was praying for some kind of win-win.  And even I had felt a little silly at times and wondered if it was okay to pray for that. 
(I couldn't help but picture Alice from the Brady Bunch...heavenly...)
But I was willing to settle for anyone who would be excited for some kids to love.

Dallin invited one of his return-missionary scouts for Sunday dinner.  As we asked him about his family, we could see that things were pretty bleak.  This was heartbreaking as Dallin had truly loved this young man and his brother through their adolescence and onto and through their missions.  They were adopted as toddlers by a single woman whose birth children were already grown.  We had loved this little family and the goodness they brought to our ward.  When he described his mom's current difficulty and depression from a recent divorce, I wondered if my prayer was answered.  I talked to Dallin about it that night and prayed some more about it and developed a bit of a plan.

You can imagine the doubts that surfaced from my plan.  I had no phone number or address, though I had been to her house once before.  I had only spoken to her briefly on a couple of occasions.  I had no idea what condition she would be in when I arrived, or how much coaxing I would need to do to get her to talk to me or let me try to help her.  I could have talked myself out of it a thousand times.  I wondered at myself as I cut flowers from our yard and put them in a vase for her.  I mustered my courage and hopped in my van, telling my kids I didn't really know when I would be back.  I drove around her neighborhood until I spotted her house and pulled into the driveway.  Deep breath.  It looked like the front door was opened, letting the cool spring air come in through the screen.  That was a good sign.

She was up and dressed and let me come right in.  She opened her heart to me and the conversation was comfortable and natural.  The story was sad--the health problems, the recent difficult marriage, the struggles of her children.  Her loneliness and expressions of feeling that her life was sort of pointless.  Then she looked at me and said, "I should be the one listening to someone's troubles.  I know service would help."  I told her I had a proposal to make:  I had been praying for a grandma.
"That's perfect!"  She said. 

When she came to visit a few days later, the kids were absolutely thrilled!  They ate up all the attention and the stories.  She shared so much with them, including her conversion story.  She bore such a sweet testimony to Daisy about feeling empty and having the Holy Spirit fill her up.  It was wonderful and the kids can't wait for her to come back. 

God answers prayers.

..

Roots and Branches

A few times lately I've had a chance to think about lonely people.
It has given me a chance to ponder the security that family offers.
I have taken for granted the strength I get from my ancestors.
Maybe even failed to recognize the full meaning of posterity.

I've taken some time to realize that I am blessed by the eternal connection to my family.
How grateful I am for the strong roots that hold me securely to the household of God.
How fulfilling it is to see my children growing up and to imagine their children for generations.
It gives me a very secure place in the world.

Some people don't have that.  Many people, even. 
How sad that there are people left alone in the world.
I see how being left without root nor branch is a desolate situation indeed!

Mother, Father, Grandparents--Thank you for loving each other and your children for generations. 
What a gift it is to know unconditional love.
What a gift it is to have a place in the world--in eternity-- that is surrounded by that love.

My resolve is ever more firm:
I will love these little ones.
I will teach them how to love the way that I have been loved. 
There is nothing better.
There is not greater mission for me to accomplish than to make fewer lonely people in the world and to nourish those branches.

...

My Week Off

I blundered through the week after Spring Break and decided I really did need to give myself a break.
I decided to have a week of doing things that fill my tank.
I slept in each morning until the baby awoke--guilt free!
I read and prayed and studied longer than usual.
I decided to play the piano one day, and ended up at the piano for an hour and a half!  I was able to dust off the Maple Leaf Rag and make some progress on that tricky 3rd section.
(Something about having a real piano--the one I grew up playing--in my home has made my piano playing skills improve dramatically lately.  Or maybe it was the exercise of writing an arrangement to a favorite family song that helped me understand the music on a deeper level.  Whatever it was, it has been really fun! )
I still kept appointments, did laundry, and fed people. 
In fact, I realized I wasn't really doing much less than what I normally do.
I was just enjoying it more because I was choosing it instead of imposing it upon myself. 
I found that what I really needed a break from was my expectations.
As much as I am trying to be content with my current pace, I still get antsy to do more.  I know there are things getting left out that seem really important! 
I know that striving to be better is a good thing!
So I still lay the expectations on pretty heavily some days.
It seems like I've been in this "season" forever!
But the things I am getting better at are less measurable than hours slept, pounds lost, home repairs finished, yard work done, books read to kids, tasks accomplished.

How do you measure the effort it takes and the progress made
Casting of fear
Casting off pride
Being a light to others
Being content with what is allotted unto me
Being thankful in all things, including my trials
Staying calm in the face of intense emotion
Disciplining out of love instead of control
Living joyfully in spite of external circumstances?

So I am grateful to have given myself a week off from expectations and guilt.
Hopefully it will last longer than a week!

..

Give Me A (Spring) Break

I need a break.

Let's face it.  My life is a little teeny bit crazy and overwhelming. 
If I had my druthers, a break would look something like this:
One day to sleep as much as I wanted.
One day to read as much as I wanted.
One day to write as much as I wanted.
One day to pray as much as I wanted.
One day to work on projects. 
One day to read to my kids.
One day to watch movies and cuddle with my husband.
Plus no cooking and lots of chocolate.

Somehow Spring Break didn't play out quite this way, but it was magical in its own way and I wouldn't have traded it-- even for my druther week.

Dallin made all of the plans for our trip, and I was extremely grateful to not be the one in charge.
However, it made me have a hard time wanting to get ready.  I had just done 3 birthdays and was in the middle of Easter and he was at the scout pow-wow and I just wanted well, a break.
I got a blessing and managed to print off my camping checklists (so glad I made them last summer) and get the food purchased and packed.  I think I did some laundry and that was the extent of my ability for Saturday.  I used to spend at least a week getting ready for trips.  Now I can barely think about it a day or two before, and I have to FORCE myself to do it.  Sunday was Easter and fast Sunday and I wasn't about to work on packing up that day.
Dallin was hoping to leave at 9 or 10 in the morning so we could do some hikes in Arches on our way down. 
We all worked really hard on Monday and got out the door at 1pm.
We had to stop and pick up a pizza as we had planned to already be there by lunch, and we had to get gas.
We were headed out of town by 2pm.
Too late to hike by the time we got to Arches.
Set up camp while the sun sets.
Warm beef stew interrupted by multiple bathroom trips, sleeping arrangements, help with pajamas, get that fussy baby to sleep!
Wash dishes in the cold and dark.
Can't get warm--even with 2 layers of clothes, a blanket and a sleeping bag. 
Each time I am able to drift off, baby wakes and I have to get back out into the cold to nurse and comfort.
We are both kept up by babies and cold toddlers and bathroom breaks.
Big kids come to the rescue and mom and dad sleep for a couple of hours in the morning.

Beautiful Tuesday. Sunny, if a little chilly still.
Cereal and Sausage.
Warm showers and clothes changed for our visit to the Monticello Temple.
Dark clouds billow over the mountains as I finish washing breakfast dishes.
Hail begins to fall as I come out of the temple and Dallin goes in to baptize the boys.
Plans for bike ride are not looking promising.
Tent has inches of snow piled around it when we get back.
Weather looks better an hour away at Arches.
Delicate Arch hike is not intended for children under 5.
Or mothers with a powerful protective instinct that does not allow sheer cliffs and young children to be in the same field of vision.
Everyone had fun except the mother, but she put on a happy face once she was far away from the cliff.
Tent heater?  Anywhere?  Anywhere?
No.  And our daylight gone in searching stores for one.  Subway for dinner.
Pile blankets and jammies in car to warm them and carry sleepy bundles into cold sleeping bags.
We love our new tent that stayed dry.  The hinged door is genius.
A much warmer night though not much more sleep for mom.

Beautiful Wednesday.  Sunny, though cold and breezy.
Warm oatmeal.  Warm sausages. 
Bike rides around the campground.
Take down camp and try to make it to Fillmore.
Lunch time and camp still not broken.  Get all the food back out.
2:00 we are finally on our way.  Fillmore activities not looking too promising.
3:00 flat tire.
4:00 at Arches again for a potty stop.  Fillmore definitely not happening.  Try another hike?
Landscape Arch.  Definitely family friendly and so much fun!
Kids play in red sand as the sun begins to set.
A few snacks, oranges and a loaf of bread to share for dinner.
On our way home.  Fillmore will be postponed again.
Or will it?
We have everything we need.
But we don't want to set up camp again, and we have no idea where.
Can we sleep in the Van at a Wal Mart?
Can we?
It will be an adventure.
It was. 
None of us will ever forget it.

Except for Sullivan who finally settled at 4:30am.
Dallin woke and drove the final hour of the trip at 6.
The best hour of sleep I had the whole week.  All was quiet in the van and I finally had a place to lie where I could straighten my legs out.
We woke up to wide prairie with steam rising from the hot pools.
Beautiful, beautiful Thursday.  And warm!
Dug a toilet with the window scraper.
Passed out some more pieces of bread to tide everyone over.
Felt very exposed donning swim suits in the wide open.
Swam and played in the luxurious bathtub-warm water. 
The 9 of us together, enjoying ourselves for hours.
Sun warmed us as we changed clothes, brushed hair, ate cold cereal.
The Fillmore museum was a pleasant family-friendly surprise.
Kids picked souveneirs after exploring.
Warmed chili at the park on the little stove.  Delicious with fritos and lettuce.
Peaceful, warm, delicious, happy memories. 
The big tree had a belly-button.  We all laughed.
Quiet van full of tired kids on the way home.
I read to Dallin of a homeless man and a millionaire. Inspiring.
Home in time to unpack, do laundry, clean car. 
Brand makes eggs for dinner.
I was on an energy high that night after such a wonderful experience.
I am so so glad we did it.
It was truly unforgettable.

I still need a break!