It was a hard day. I woke with a headache and allergy symptoms. Probably due to temperature inversion.
It was a hard day. Hard to not feel like a homeschooling failure. These kids don't love learning, they can't stay focused for 10 seconds, I can't be right next to each person overseeing every last thing they write, every last double digit subtraction problem. Can't just do ONE on your own? No, I turn my back to help someone else and the page is full of scribbles.
It was a hard day. I just wanted to crawl back into bed from the moment I woke up. It was hard to stay awake while I drove Brandon to math. I crawled into the back of the van to try to sleep in the cold emptiness. Sleep wouldn't come. Too many noises. Too much cold. Too much to think about.
It was a hard day. Finally at home, I lie in bed. Not to sleep, mind you. The kids need me. They bring their school books and I become the desk while my last hope for a quick nap ticks away. It is time to start dinner, now. The ultimate punishment for a hard day. Do I have to do dinner? Wouldn't it be great if someone else could just do dinner?
It was a hard day, but Someone knew. Someone listened. The phone rang. The next door neighbor's voice. "What do you need help with?" It was a lot to ask. She wasn't expecting me to ask for dinner, but she pulled together the most amazing stew. Blessed Angel. Thank you for listening to that little voice who told you to call me. Thank you for being willing to make dinner for my giant family because I needed it.
It was a hard day softened by a neighbor's love, warm soup, an afternoon nap, a book, AHHHHH.
I'm so grateful to know that Someone is aware of me and that there at people in this world who are willing to listen to His voice.
...
We've Given Up the Easy Life for the Good Life
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Monday, February 8, 2016
A Royal Visitor
I should have known better than to send Dallin off on a campout without any misgivings. Stuff ALWAYS happens when he's gone. It's the time where I'm always stretched to the breaking point and then someone throws up or a pipe bursts or a car breaks down or something that reminds me how much I depend on him and leaves me feeling like he's never there when I really need him.
But for some reason I wasn't that worried. I have learned to cope with his frequent weekenders with the Boy Scouts by making the time "me" time. I give myself a night off of dinner making and have the kids fend for themselves with toast or cereal or whatever they can fix. I give myself permission to read or write or watch movies I like.
My only concern was that with Corban's terrible and unpredictable sleeping patterns I had gotten used to waking at 8 or 9am. He tended to get his longest stretch of sleep during those morning hours. On that Friday night, I was a little concerned about getting up early enough to have Ruby to her drop off point by 7am so she could go to a tournament. I knew it would be tricky getting up that early and making myself go out in the cold, but I could tough it out.
I proceeded to have one of the worst nights I have ever had. Corban started out waking every half hour. That set of my adrenal system so that every sound I heard would wake me in a heart-racing panic. It got to the point where even if Corban was sleeping, I was unable to. Then the anxiety would build because I was worried about being too tired to drive Ruby and I felt trapped in a vicious cycle. And I was completely alone and scared about my heart and scared about my mental state. It got to the point where the baby was no longer interested in nursing. I'd get him settled just so, only to have him wake a few minutes later. He was frustrated about being alone in his crib, but he was even more frustrated being close to me in my bed. By 5am I had hardly slept at all, and I was beside myself with anxiety and sleep deprivation. I had to put him in his little crib in his little room where he proceeded to scream with all of his might.
I was crying out in my mind for help, for someone to come rescue me from the nightmare. I was not emotionally strong enough to call any neighbors that early in the morning for help, even though I can hardly think of a time where I needed help more. This was completely unreasonable as I have any number of friends who would have come to my rescue, but reason had all but left me hours ago. I felt so alone and frustrated that it seemed that at my most desperate moments I never had anyone to help me. As I prayed and plead, the idea was whispered to my heart to turn on the light. That always helps, and it did.
"Call Dallin." Yeah, right! I thought (in my loudest thinking voice). He NEVER answers his phone on campouts. Even if he has service, he never hears his phone and usually turns it off at night.
But I had to try something, and if he didn't answer it would add some ammunition to my pity-party. Small comforts.
But he answered. Truly, a miracle. Somewhere to land my crazed, desperate thoughts. Someone to share the burden and at least know how bad it was. Someone to help me calm down a bit.
It calmed me enough that after a prayer of gratitude for Dallin and of help to carry on I was able to get the baby from the bed and rock him to sleep. It was 6:00am. My alarm was set for 6:15 to wake Ruby. I decided to go for whatever sleep I could get. I fell immediately to sleep and my alarm immediately went off.
I got up and woke Ruby and was wondering and worrying about leaving all of the kids asleep. I would have to wake Daisy and tell her to listen for Corban. I know she would be worried, but I was not about to wake him up and take him out in the cold. Then my alarm went off again, and I woke and realized that the bit about waking Ruby and worrying had all been a dream. I got up and woke Ruby (for real) and told her to get up and wake me when she was ready to go. I promptly fell asleep, and all-too-soon my alarm went off. I got up and woke Ruby and went downstairs to get some breakfast. Suddenly, a knock at the door revealed my Uncle Royal, looking dashing in his 1940's traveling attire and carrying a big old-fashioned suitcase. I showed him to the guest room and went upstairs to wake Daisy. I told her that I was leaving to take Ruby. "If Corban wakes up, just lie in my bed next to him. Don't worry. If he is too much to handle, Uncle Royal is here and he can hold him for you."
"Mom"...
My eyes flew open. It was Ruby. Another dream.
But I did go tell Daisy to lie down by my Corban Royal if he woke. And I certainly felt calmer about leaving, knowing he was in good hands.
I like to think there is a special connection there, between Royal and his namesake, Corban Royal. Maybe he was the one assigned to bring relief when I petitioned the heavens to send someone.
I wasn't expecting my long-suffering, good natured uncle Royal who died when I was in high school, but I'm grateful for the dream of him that brought me some peace and comfort. I do believe that however it works, our loved ones on the other side of the veil are aiding us and cheering us on.
And I'm grateful that I can trust God to send the best kind of help when I'm in need.
...
But for some reason I wasn't that worried. I have learned to cope with his frequent weekenders with the Boy Scouts by making the time "me" time. I give myself a night off of dinner making and have the kids fend for themselves with toast or cereal or whatever they can fix. I give myself permission to read or write or watch movies I like.
My only concern was that with Corban's terrible and unpredictable sleeping patterns I had gotten used to waking at 8 or 9am. He tended to get his longest stretch of sleep during those morning hours. On that Friday night, I was a little concerned about getting up early enough to have Ruby to her drop off point by 7am so she could go to a tournament. I knew it would be tricky getting up that early and making myself go out in the cold, but I could tough it out.
I proceeded to have one of the worst nights I have ever had. Corban started out waking every half hour. That set of my adrenal system so that every sound I heard would wake me in a heart-racing panic. It got to the point where even if Corban was sleeping, I was unable to. Then the anxiety would build because I was worried about being too tired to drive Ruby and I felt trapped in a vicious cycle. And I was completely alone and scared about my heart and scared about my mental state. It got to the point where the baby was no longer interested in nursing. I'd get him settled just so, only to have him wake a few minutes later. He was frustrated about being alone in his crib, but he was even more frustrated being close to me in my bed. By 5am I had hardly slept at all, and I was beside myself with anxiety and sleep deprivation. I had to put him in his little crib in his little room where he proceeded to scream with all of his might.
I was crying out in my mind for help, for someone to come rescue me from the nightmare. I was not emotionally strong enough to call any neighbors that early in the morning for help, even though I can hardly think of a time where I needed help more. This was completely unreasonable as I have any number of friends who would have come to my rescue, but reason had all but left me hours ago. I felt so alone and frustrated that it seemed that at my most desperate moments I never had anyone to help me. As I prayed and plead, the idea was whispered to my heart to turn on the light. That always helps, and it did.
"Call Dallin." Yeah, right! I thought (in my loudest thinking voice). He NEVER answers his phone on campouts. Even if he has service, he never hears his phone and usually turns it off at night.
But I had to try something, and if he didn't answer it would add some ammunition to my pity-party. Small comforts.
But he answered. Truly, a miracle. Somewhere to land my crazed, desperate thoughts. Someone to share the burden and at least know how bad it was. Someone to help me calm down a bit.
It calmed me enough that after a prayer of gratitude for Dallin and of help to carry on I was able to get the baby from the bed and rock him to sleep. It was 6:00am. My alarm was set for 6:15 to wake Ruby. I decided to go for whatever sleep I could get. I fell immediately to sleep and my alarm immediately went off.
I got up and woke Ruby and was wondering and worrying about leaving all of the kids asleep. I would have to wake Daisy and tell her to listen for Corban. I know she would be worried, but I was not about to wake him up and take him out in the cold. Then my alarm went off again, and I woke and realized that the bit about waking Ruby and worrying had all been a dream. I got up and woke Ruby (for real) and told her to get up and wake me when she was ready to go. I promptly fell asleep, and all-too-soon my alarm went off. I got up and woke Ruby and went downstairs to get some breakfast. Suddenly, a knock at the door revealed my Uncle Royal, looking dashing in his 1940's traveling attire and carrying a big old-fashioned suitcase. I showed him to the guest room and went upstairs to wake Daisy. I told her that I was leaving to take Ruby. "If Corban wakes up, just lie in my bed next to him. Don't worry. If he is too much to handle, Uncle Royal is here and he can hold him for you."
"Mom"...
My eyes flew open. It was Ruby. Another dream.
But I did go tell Daisy to lie down by my Corban Royal if he woke. And I certainly felt calmer about leaving, knowing he was in good hands.
I like to think there is a special connection there, between Royal and his namesake, Corban Royal. Maybe he was the one assigned to bring relief when I petitioned the heavens to send someone.
I wasn't expecting my long-suffering, good natured uncle Royal who died when I was in high school, but I'm grateful for the dream of him that brought me some peace and comfort. I do believe that however it works, our loved ones on the other side of the veil are aiding us and cheering us on.
And I'm grateful that I can trust God to send the best kind of help when I'm in need.
...
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
I Said Yes
My symptoms were not letting up this morning, so I thought it best to see a doctor and find out what was going on with my heart.
I filled out paper after paper and then waited and waited and waited to see the doctor. It was not pleasant. I had had to leave the baby home with Daisy because the older kids had class and I couldn't picture the baby thing working out at the doctor. He was not making things easy for her. I was miserable and about ready to walk out. The Doctor finally came in.
My brain was in such a fog I wasn't sure how to describe things. I wondered if it was my heart or my lungs or both. I wondered if I was going to get lectured about my weight and lack of exercise. I told him everything I could think of and he checked everything he could think of. Lungs sound great. Heart sounds great. EKG...great. Bloodwork, normal. Yet I sensed he was scared to give a diagnosis.
You might have a migraine....you have a lot of the symptoms of a migraine. I could give you some shots...
No, thank you. I said. Is there any chance it is a sinus infection? I've gotten sinus headaches before.
Well....you don't really have any signs of a sinus infection, but I'm willing to try antibiotics.
I'm not fishing for a prescription, I said.
You are just really....sleep deprived, he said. When your brain gets that tired, it can create symptoms. Not that they're not real, mind you...
So it is official.
Sleep deprivation that is more that my brain could handle.
I admit I sat in the car with my diagnosis sheet and had a little weep.
What could I possibly do about sleep deprivation?
I drove home. Loved on my baby.
No, Sarajoy, that is not the reason I'm not feeling well. (She was hoping I was pregnant--HA! In my current mental state I might have preferred that diagnosis, actually.)
I asked Ruby to figure out some kind of dinner involving potatoes and followed my baby's cue that it was time for a nap.
This was an eye-covered, earplugged nap. I was serious now. I had a diagnosis for heaven's sake!
And every time the door opened, I said "YES!"
I didn't even think too hard about what I was saying yes to. There were friends over, movies being watched, treats being eaten, ipad games being played.
When Dallin came home, I asked him, "How bad is it? I said yes to everything."
"Not so bad", he said, "And I smell potatoes. Would you like me to fix one for you?"
I said Yes.
And later that evening as I started to feel better, I got a few ideas of things that I could do to say yes to myself.
I can eat less sugar and more vegetables.
I can put this baby on a schedule, even if it means he has to cry sometimes. He may even have to sleep in his car seat at times because whenever I put him in his crib awake, he scoots on his back until his head is hitting the side.
I can pump to let myself heal and give myself a better idea of what his intake is. I know the possibility exists that we will both be happier with this arrangement. I take comfort in knowing that some babies thrive on a schedule.
And whatever comes of my efforts, I say "YES" to life. I say yes to the laughing and loving and even the hard, hard learning.
I filled out paper after paper and then waited and waited and waited to see the doctor. It was not pleasant. I had had to leave the baby home with Daisy because the older kids had class and I couldn't picture the baby thing working out at the doctor. He was not making things easy for her. I was miserable and about ready to walk out. The Doctor finally came in.
My brain was in such a fog I wasn't sure how to describe things. I wondered if it was my heart or my lungs or both. I wondered if I was going to get lectured about my weight and lack of exercise. I told him everything I could think of and he checked everything he could think of. Lungs sound great. Heart sounds great. EKG...great. Bloodwork, normal. Yet I sensed he was scared to give a diagnosis.
You might have a migraine....you have a lot of the symptoms of a migraine. I could give you some shots...
No, thank you. I said. Is there any chance it is a sinus infection? I've gotten sinus headaches before.
Well....you don't really have any signs of a sinus infection, but I'm willing to try antibiotics.
I'm not fishing for a prescription, I said.
You are just really....sleep deprived, he said. When your brain gets that tired, it can create symptoms. Not that they're not real, mind you...
So it is official.
Sleep deprivation that is more that my brain could handle.
I admit I sat in the car with my diagnosis sheet and had a little weep.
What could I possibly do about sleep deprivation?
I drove home. Loved on my baby.
No, Sarajoy, that is not the reason I'm not feeling well. (She was hoping I was pregnant--HA! In my current mental state I might have preferred that diagnosis, actually.)
I asked Ruby to figure out some kind of dinner involving potatoes and followed my baby's cue that it was time for a nap.
This was an eye-covered, earplugged nap. I was serious now. I had a diagnosis for heaven's sake!
And every time the door opened, I said "YES!"
I didn't even think too hard about what I was saying yes to. There were friends over, movies being watched, treats being eaten, ipad games being played.
When Dallin came home, I asked him, "How bad is it? I said yes to everything."
"Not so bad", he said, "And I smell potatoes. Would you like me to fix one for you?"
I said Yes.
And later that evening as I started to feel better, I got a few ideas of things that I could do to say yes to myself.
I can eat less sugar and more vegetables.
I can put this baby on a schedule, even if it means he has to cry sometimes. He may even have to sleep in his car seat at times because whenever I put him in his crib awake, he scoots on his back until his head is hitting the side.
I can pump to let myself heal and give myself a better idea of what his intake is. I know the possibility exists that we will both be happier with this arrangement. I take comfort in knowing that some babies thrive on a schedule.
And whatever comes of my efforts, I say "YES" to life. I say yes to the laughing and loving and even the hard, hard learning.
A Desert in Bloom
I am still alive.
Last night I wondered. I was trying not to worry, but for the 2nd night in a row I felt jittery, my heart was skipping beats, I couldn't think straight and I had this weird headache. Not to mention the after effects of a week of brutal nursing due to baby teething.
I was SO tired, yet I couldn't sleep.
When I get that tired, I start to fear sleep because I know it will be so painfully interrupted in such a short time. My prayers are somewhere along the lines of: I know this is good for me, but I don't like it. Help me survive.
Then I usually fall asleep for awhile, but not last night. And the longer I lay there, the more I wondered if I WOULD survive. My heart was really scaring me! I had felt tired and weird and sick before, but nothing like this.
Then my imagination got the best of me and I started imagining scenarios of my life (or death) with a heart condition. I've tried so hard to be okay and at peace with whatever circumstances come my way lately. I tried to submit, even to this. I'm not afraid to die, but I did not want to think of watching my husband and kids go through the sadness of that kind of tragedy.
Suddenly, I was thinking of them instead of myself, and it was glorious.
I thought of my fat little baby who is so unpredictable and needy yet he is the love and life of our family. How he adores his Daddy and big brothers so much that I can feel him trying to will himself into their arms. How he has an amazing sense of humor for a 7 month old, and how much I love to laugh with him. How he communicates so well. I swear he says words sometimes. Today he said "num-num" and smacked his lips when he wanted to eat! His awkward efforts to get his body to move that end in slow-motion head bonks and faceplants. His fat little dimpled hands and wrists that hide deep in a fat roll. My fine fat fella, I'm glad he's mine.
I thought of my little friend Sulley (now spelled Sulli, according to him) who wants 3 of everything, "same as his age". Especially 3 bowls of cereal. He sweetly thanks us for caring for him at night or when he is sick. He always wants to be dressed up as a super hero, and loves to chase Simon and get a reaction out of him. He likes to calmly inform me when he has chosen to "stay up", and sometimes, when he has a nap, I let him stay up and exercise with his big brothers. He makes wonderful drawings of people and one day started writing his name all on his own in the cutest way. On the verge of 4 and the 7th child he can seem so grown up and so little at the same time. I adore him.
I thought of my wonderful Babe, Sarajoy. I wonder if she will ever outgrow that little nickname. She is rocking a snaggle tooth right now in the most fabulous way. I love her fiercely. Her independence, her matter-of-fact approach to things, her giggle that she can't keep back even when she tries. Her do-it-herself outfits, makeup, and nails that meet her satisfaction so who cares what anyone else thinks! How she tries so hard to heft around and take care of her giant little baby brother. When that doesn't work, one of her many baby dolls will suffice. How she sings all the time, sometimes with the cutest little vibrato that she is kind of excited about. How it hurts me that her big sisters are moving on in life without her. How she handles it gracefully, playing or watching princess movies on her own or joining in with the little boys.
Then a clear picture of Simon came to my mind. How I've noticed there's not a shred of baby fat left on his lean body. How he is looking so grown up and handsome. How he comes to me for hugs and snuggles lately. How he rages and loves and enjoys all the way to the edges. How he likes me to practice violin with him again. How he tells silly jokes and makes weird sounds and is so full of life and energy. How I want everyone to understand his intensity like I do so they won't misjudge him.
Can I freeze Daisy as she is right now? No, it wouldn't be right, but she makes a pretty picture. She is a pleasant and giving person. Without guile. She is the champion baby-whisperer at our house. She likes to watch girly movies with me like Anne of Green Gables and Little Women. She fits in nicely just about anywhere because she just loves to be with people. She's at the magical age where she is old enough to be helpful and young enough to still want to please. Old enough to do really fun things and young enough to still enjoy a good game of house or camping or little animals. I know I can depend on her. Wonderful, beautiful girl!
I think of mysterious Ruby who grows more beautiful and womanly by the day. She's content to have a happy Harry Potter obsession awaiting her whenever she gets bored. Quietly, as always, she does her chores and all of her school assignments. Even the ones I give her. She has started to come out of the sleepy fog of early teenagehood and hang around her big brothers and help out around the house more. I can't get her to sing silly songs with me, but I can usually still get her to laugh. She has an almost secret relationship with the baby. While the other kids want to be where he is and tell me everything he does because he is where the attention is, she is the one who will talk to him and encourage him when everyone else leaves the room. She's the one behind the scenes making him magically appear clean and dressed or moved to a new location when he gets bored.
Gentle, funny, restless Brandon holds my heart. He is so sincere and ready to talk about what is on his mind and in his heart. And the next moment ready to make an outlandish noise or comment that can raise an eyebrow and a chuckle at the same time. He is anxious to be out in the world, but doing such a great job of being home because that is the answer he received for himself this year. Big ideas, big heart, big spirit. No wonder he is the tallest in the family. When it seems that everyone else is exasperated with the baby Brandon will wedge him into a corner of the couch and get out the guitar and sing to him. Corban will sit and soak it all in, mesmerized. Several times now he has won Corban from me. Very handsome he is, and such a good friend.
I think of Nathan trying to launch himself into adulthood. How can a person be so ready and so not ready at the same time? He is a kind person, to everyone. He has big dreams and wants to be a part of everything. He is so busy that we miss him already. I love his gentleness with the kids, how he will laugh at what they say even if it is not very funny. He'll chuckle at the little ones when what they do or say is funny. He is pleasant to have at home. He works hard, he plays hard, he studies hard. He has learned some hard lessons and come through them a better person. Handsome and stylish and talented and good. Proof that short people can do big things.
Steady, responsible, dutiful, thoughtful Dallin. He takes such good care of us. He is affectionate and devoted and loyal to all of the right things. He is humble and sincere and purposeful. I am so so much better because I know him. He carries a heavy burden with care and seriousness and diligence. He knows where to look for strength. I love him all the way. It is a privilege to be loved by him.
This morning as I made a doctor's appointment to have my heart checked, I thanked God that I was able to savor the experience of appreciating each member of my family. Somehow in the most desolate places He shows us roses.
Last night I wondered. I was trying not to worry, but for the 2nd night in a row I felt jittery, my heart was skipping beats, I couldn't think straight and I had this weird headache. Not to mention the after effects of a week of brutal nursing due to baby teething.
I was SO tired, yet I couldn't sleep.
When I get that tired, I start to fear sleep because I know it will be so painfully interrupted in such a short time. My prayers are somewhere along the lines of: I know this is good for me, but I don't like it. Help me survive.
Then I usually fall asleep for awhile, but not last night. And the longer I lay there, the more I wondered if I WOULD survive. My heart was really scaring me! I had felt tired and weird and sick before, but nothing like this.
Then my imagination got the best of me and I started imagining scenarios of my life (or death) with a heart condition. I've tried so hard to be okay and at peace with whatever circumstances come my way lately. I tried to submit, even to this. I'm not afraid to die, but I did not want to think of watching my husband and kids go through the sadness of that kind of tragedy.
Suddenly, I was thinking of them instead of myself, and it was glorious.
I thought of my fat little baby who is so unpredictable and needy yet he is the love and life of our family. How he adores his Daddy and big brothers so much that I can feel him trying to will himself into their arms. How he has an amazing sense of humor for a 7 month old, and how much I love to laugh with him. How he communicates so well. I swear he says words sometimes. Today he said "num-num" and smacked his lips when he wanted to eat! His awkward efforts to get his body to move that end in slow-motion head bonks and faceplants. His fat little dimpled hands and wrists that hide deep in a fat roll. My fine fat fella, I'm glad he's mine.
I thought of my little friend Sulley (now spelled Sulli, according to him) who wants 3 of everything, "same as his age". Especially 3 bowls of cereal. He sweetly thanks us for caring for him at night or when he is sick. He always wants to be dressed up as a super hero, and loves to chase Simon and get a reaction out of him. He likes to calmly inform me when he has chosen to "stay up", and sometimes, when he has a nap, I let him stay up and exercise with his big brothers. He makes wonderful drawings of people and one day started writing his name all on his own in the cutest way. On the verge of 4 and the 7th child he can seem so grown up and so little at the same time. I adore him.
I thought of my wonderful Babe, Sarajoy. I wonder if she will ever outgrow that little nickname. She is rocking a snaggle tooth right now in the most fabulous way. I love her fiercely. Her independence, her matter-of-fact approach to things, her giggle that she can't keep back even when she tries. Her do-it-herself outfits, makeup, and nails that meet her satisfaction so who cares what anyone else thinks! How she tries so hard to heft around and take care of her giant little baby brother. When that doesn't work, one of her many baby dolls will suffice. How she sings all the time, sometimes with the cutest little vibrato that she is kind of excited about. How it hurts me that her big sisters are moving on in life without her. How she handles it gracefully, playing or watching princess movies on her own or joining in with the little boys.
Then a clear picture of Simon came to my mind. How I've noticed there's not a shred of baby fat left on his lean body. How he is looking so grown up and handsome. How he comes to me for hugs and snuggles lately. How he rages and loves and enjoys all the way to the edges. How he likes me to practice violin with him again. How he tells silly jokes and makes weird sounds and is so full of life and energy. How I want everyone to understand his intensity like I do so they won't misjudge him.
Can I freeze Daisy as she is right now? No, it wouldn't be right, but she makes a pretty picture. She is a pleasant and giving person. Without guile. She is the champion baby-whisperer at our house. She likes to watch girly movies with me like Anne of Green Gables and Little Women. She fits in nicely just about anywhere because she just loves to be with people. She's at the magical age where she is old enough to be helpful and young enough to still want to please. Old enough to do really fun things and young enough to still enjoy a good game of house or camping or little animals. I know I can depend on her. Wonderful, beautiful girl!
I think of mysterious Ruby who grows more beautiful and womanly by the day. She's content to have a happy Harry Potter obsession awaiting her whenever she gets bored. Quietly, as always, she does her chores and all of her school assignments. Even the ones I give her. She has started to come out of the sleepy fog of early teenagehood and hang around her big brothers and help out around the house more. I can't get her to sing silly songs with me, but I can usually still get her to laugh. She has an almost secret relationship with the baby. While the other kids want to be where he is and tell me everything he does because he is where the attention is, she is the one who will talk to him and encourage him when everyone else leaves the room. She's the one behind the scenes making him magically appear clean and dressed or moved to a new location when he gets bored.
Gentle, funny, restless Brandon holds my heart. He is so sincere and ready to talk about what is on his mind and in his heart. And the next moment ready to make an outlandish noise or comment that can raise an eyebrow and a chuckle at the same time. He is anxious to be out in the world, but doing such a great job of being home because that is the answer he received for himself this year. Big ideas, big heart, big spirit. No wonder he is the tallest in the family. When it seems that everyone else is exasperated with the baby Brandon will wedge him into a corner of the couch and get out the guitar and sing to him. Corban will sit and soak it all in, mesmerized. Several times now he has won Corban from me. Very handsome he is, and such a good friend.
I think of Nathan trying to launch himself into adulthood. How can a person be so ready and so not ready at the same time? He is a kind person, to everyone. He has big dreams and wants to be a part of everything. He is so busy that we miss him already. I love his gentleness with the kids, how he will laugh at what they say even if it is not very funny. He'll chuckle at the little ones when what they do or say is funny. He is pleasant to have at home. He works hard, he plays hard, he studies hard. He has learned some hard lessons and come through them a better person. Handsome and stylish and talented and good. Proof that short people can do big things.
Steady, responsible, dutiful, thoughtful Dallin. He takes such good care of us. He is affectionate and devoted and loyal to all of the right things. He is humble and sincere and purposeful. I am so so much better because I know him. He carries a heavy burden with care and seriousness and diligence. He knows where to look for strength. I love him all the way. It is a privilege to be loved by him.
This morning as I made a doctor's appointment to have my heart checked, I thanked God that I was able to savor the experience of appreciating each member of my family. Somehow in the most desolate places He shows us roses.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
More Christmas Treasures
Our first part of Christmas break was spent at home. We are so very blessed that Dallin gets the full 2 weeks off for Christmas break! I love it when he is home. It is so nice to take things at an easier pace. We have slow mornings with warm breakfast and scriptures and discussions and the guys do racquetball. I love it! This year we each drew a name to fill a stocking. Through the holiday season, I took each kid on a date to shop for their sibling's stocking gifts and their cousin gift. We also had a meal together. I LOVE spending that kind of time with my kids individually. It makes the whole season more fun because the kids are thinking of each other and being excited to fill a stocking on Christmas Eve.
Monday evening we had our Giving Day. I knew I was not functioning on a level that I could do a bunch of crafty projects this year, so I decided to rethink the tradition. I thought about drawing names, but one thing I really love about the tradition is that we each spend some time thinking about each family member. Simon tipped me off to a really great idea by making a Lego creation for me one day. I had him make one for each family member and he had them all wrapped up and under the tree in no time! I had the older kids think of something they loved and apply it to each family member. They came up with some great stuff! Ruby gave us each a Harry Potter character and told us why we are like that person. Nathan chose a favorite song and played it for each person and printed off the album cover with a note on the back. (I got a little teary-eyed when he played the one for me :)) Brandon drew pictures of different temples and a scripture to go along with it that matched each person's personality. Daisy made everyone stress-relief balls out of balloons and flour. Sarajoy made chex party mix for everyone and Sullivan made dipped pretzels. I made everyone a cute felt photo ornament. It was my only craft for the season, and I loved it! Making things really is part of what makes Christmas seem real to me. Dallin got these amazing Tri-Star balls that his co-worker makes for each of us and put a different scripture on each one. It was a wonderful, happy evening.
We took an evening to go visit the Norman Rockwell exhibit at the BYU Museum of Art. Going as a whole family was a bit overwhelming, but we took turns with the little ones to make it easier. I sat in the foyer of the exhibit where they had all of the Saturday Evening Post covers displayed. Sullivan and I played I Spy and found quite a few interesting things. After the museum we went to dinner as a family. That is not something we get to do a lot, and it was really enjoyable.
We packed up early on the 23rd so we would be able to enjoy Christmas Day at our house without the hustle and bustle of getting ready for a trip. It was kinda stressful for me, but the big kids and Dallin stepped in and made it all work.
We got invited to spend Christmas Eve with some of Dallin's family. That was a nice surprise. We had a nice dinner, fun little talent show, and a chance to act out the nativity with cousins. Lots of fun and important time with family. We came home feeling really glad we went! We did it early enough to get home in time to get things wrapped up and under the tree before too late. We opted to have Santa come with Jammies on Christmas Night since we were not sure when we would be getting home.
It was fun that Ruby wanted to be my wrapping buddy this year. She was so helpful! She was also Dallin's shopping buddy so I got some really great stuff in my stocking for the first time ever! I did something kind of silly but fun. In November we had studied ancient Africa and African folklore. My kids loved the story of Anansi the spider and his sons (Road-builder, Stone-thrower, River-Drinker, See-Trouble, Game-Skinner, and Cushion (so soft!) ) My kids had decided who each one would be, etc. So when I was wrapping their presents, instead of putting a name, I made up an Ashanti name and they had to try to guess who it was for. Dad was Bread-Winner, I was Home-Maker, Nathan was Friend-Maker, Brandon was Noise-Maker, Ruby was Hair-Winder, Daisy was Baby-Calmer, Simon was Bow-Singer, Sarajoy was Smile-Maker, Sullivan was Ball-Runner, and Corban was Cushion (so soft!). Yeah, I'm a nerd, but it was fun.
Christmas Day was really fun, with some great surprises. We opened gifts by the tree and had breakfast casserole. Then we opened stockings. I almost gave away Brandon's gift by putting a charger in his stocking!! Thankfully I claimed the mistake and he didn't suspect. I had a gift for each kid hidden in the basement. We often have hidden gifts by another tree, etc. to make the fun of the gifts stretch throughout the day. I was wondering if they would ever find the gifts! Finally, we were all down there watching a movie when someone made the discovery. Brandon had asked for a leather jacket, an iPhone, and a backpack. He had already opened the backpack that morning. I realized one day in December that I had a leather jacket from my sister that was a hand-me-down that I had never worn. Since I wasn't planning on getting him a jacket, I thought it would be the perfect hiding place for the iPhone. I found a iphone4 really cheap on Amazon, so I was really excited and wanted him to be surprised. I was pretty sure he was not really expecting that gift. So I put the cell phone in the pocket of the jacket and wrapped it up. I was hoping he would get really excited, put the jacket on, and then put his hand in the pocket. He DID! It was just like that, and we got some great shots of his discovery! Sulli got his much longed for Iron Man suit, Simon got a bunch of Ninjago Lego guys, Daisy got a treehouse for her Calico Critters and Woodzeez, and Sarajoy got a tea set in a basket. Ruby's gift was really fun. She wanted the entire Harry Potter DVD collection. I was thinking it would be too expensive, but since she wasn't asking for much else I figured I would just get it. Then one day I looked on the Amazon deals, and it was only 24.99! I was pretty excited, and she was excited to get it. Long before Christmas, Nathan had banged up his ukulele and said how much he would like a nicer one. But when Christmas rolled around, he said not to get him anything and spend the money on the kids (love that kid!). I went ahead and got him a nicer ukulele and hid it in plain sight. We have had a really old brown uke for years that doesn't really work very well. It has kind of just been a toy. We have it hanging on a hook in our living room. I took it down and put the new uke up and told Nathan to find his present. I think we had to give him quite a few clues before he found it. So fun! We had some delicious beans cooked with leftover Christmas ham for dinner and made our last minute preparations.
We left for Idaho very early the next morning in order to make it for the Porter Christmas Party. Traditional waffles and soufflé for brunch followed by talent show, minute to win it games, and a gift exchange. We played Joy to the World in 3 parts as a string ensemble. (Plus Dallin on the harmonica!) Brandon took the bass part on the cello, I played the alto on my violin, Daisy and Simon played the melody, and Sarajoy and Sullivan played along to the rhythm, making it up as they went. It was really, really fun! Playing music together has been a highlight of my year and a dream come true that I never thought would happen for our family. I made some ornaments for my sister Amy that have the different names of the Savior on them. I printed some of them off of the internet, but used photoshop to make several of my own that I discovered while doing my Book of Mormon challenge earlier in the year. We gave Brady some disco lights since they have the "party" house. They came in handy for our New Year's Just Dance party. So fun! My sister-in-law Darcie made me a really awesome Logan Temple picture from paper cutouts. Dallin got a drone from Chris. They also gave us a monopoly card game. We were the recipients of the Grinch Bag, the family gag gift that gets passed around. I had made some offhand comment at the Sisters' retreat that I had a childhood dream that someone would sing Lionel Richie's "Ballerina Girl" to me. Kim made my dream come true by having Dallin sing it to me while wearing an amazing black afro. We also got a Rudolph nose and antlers for our car.
We loved staying at Amy and Brady's house again this year. We learned to play monopoly cards and Zeus on the loose. We watched Phineas and Ferb and played I Spy in their awesome look-alike Christmas book. We loved being there for sweet Freya's blessing day and spending some time with Renee's family. For a day or two, the most amazing ice crystals fell from the sky and gathered on our car and the trees. It was really relaxing and fun and hard to pack up and come home.
When we pulled into the driveway on New Year's eve, our good neighbor came right over and invited us to eat and celebrate at their house. What a blessing! To come home to an empty cold house with no food and disappointed kids was not pleasant. We had chosen to come home for the big kids to celebrate with friends and so we would have some time to settle in and take down Christmas before school started again. It was such a great offering that they would let our whole big family come and eat and play for awhile. We played some games and ate great food and came home early enough to settle in for the night. We watched the ball drop in New York and sang some songs and made some noise and threw streamers. I think we watched a movie, too. Good times. We wrapped up our holiday fun by taking everyone to the new Star Wars movie the next day. We all really enjoyed it, though I was glad I had already seen it with Dallin because I think I ran someone to the bathroom at least 3 times. Happy, Happy Holidays!
Monday evening we had our Giving Day. I knew I was not functioning on a level that I could do a bunch of crafty projects this year, so I decided to rethink the tradition. I thought about drawing names, but one thing I really love about the tradition is that we each spend some time thinking about each family member. Simon tipped me off to a really great idea by making a Lego creation for me one day. I had him make one for each family member and he had them all wrapped up and under the tree in no time! I had the older kids think of something they loved and apply it to each family member. They came up with some great stuff! Ruby gave us each a Harry Potter character and told us why we are like that person. Nathan chose a favorite song and played it for each person and printed off the album cover with a note on the back. (I got a little teary-eyed when he played the one for me :)) Brandon drew pictures of different temples and a scripture to go along with it that matched each person's personality. Daisy made everyone stress-relief balls out of balloons and flour. Sarajoy made chex party mix for everyone and Sullivan made dipped pretzels. I made everyone a cute felt photo ornament. It was my only craft for the season, and I loved it! Making things really is part of what makes Christmas seem real to me. Dallin got these amazing Tri-Star balls that his co-worker makes for each of us and put a different scripture on each one. It was a wonderful, happy evening.
We took an evening to go visit the Norman Rockwell exhibit at the BYU Museum of Art. Going as a whole family was a bit overwhelming, but we took turns with the little ones to make it easier. I sat in the foyer of the exhibit where they had all of the Saturday Evening Post covers displayed. Sullivan and I played I Spy and found quite a few interesting things. After the museum we went to dinner as a family. That is not something we get to do a lot, and it was really enjoyable.
We packed up early on the 23rd so we would be able to enjoy Christmas Day at our house without the hustle and bustle of getting ready for a trip. It was kinda stressful for me, but the big kids and Dallin stepped in and made it all work.
We got invited to spend Christmas Eve with some of Dallin's family. That was a nice surprise. We had a nice dinner, fun little talent show, and a chance to act out the nativity with cousins. Lots of fun and important time with family. We came home feeling really glad we went! We did it early enough to get home in time to get things wrapped up and under the tree before too late. We opted to have Santa come with Jammies on Christmas Night since we were not sure when we would be getting home.
It was fun that Ruby wanted to be my wrapping buddy this year. She was so helpful! She was also Dallin's shopping buddy so I got some really great stuff in my stocking for the first time ever! I did something kind of silly but fun. In November we had studied ancient Africa and African folklore. My kids loved the story of Anansi the spider and his sons (Road-builder, Stone-thrower, River-Drinker, See-Trouble, Game-Skinner, and Cushion (so soft!) ) My kids had decided who each one would be, etc. So when I was wrapping their presents, instead of putting a name, I made up an Ashanti name and they had to try to guess who it was for. Dad was Bread-Winner, I was Home-Maker, Nathan was Friend-Maker, Brandon was Noise-Maker, Ruby was Hair-Winder, Daisy was Baby-Calmer, Simon was Bow-Singer, Sarajoy was Smile-Maker, Sullivan was Ball-Runner, and Corban was Cushion (so soft!). Yeah, I'm a nerd, but it was fun.
Christmas Day was really fun, with some great surprises. We opened gifts by the tree and had breakfast casserole. Then we opened stockings. I almost gave away Brandon's gift by putting a charger in his stocking!! Thankfully I claimed the mistake and he didn't suspect. I had a gift for each kid hidden in the basement. We often have hidden gifts by another tree, etc. to make the fun of the gifts stretch throughout the day. I was wondering if they would ever find the gifts! Finally, we were all down there watching a movie when someone made the discovery. Brandon had asked for a leather jacket, an iPhone, and a backpack. He had already opened the backpack that morning. I realized one day in December that I had a leather jacket from my sister that was a hand-me-down that I had never worn. Since I wasn't planning on getting him a jacket, I thought it would be the perfect hiding place for the iPhone. I found a iphone4 really cheap on Amazon, so I was really excited and wanted him to be surprised. I was pretty sure he was not really expecting that gift. So I put the cell phone in the pocket of the jacket and wrapped it up. I was hoping he would get really excited, put the jacket on, and then put his hand in the pocket. He DID! It was just like that, and we got some great shots of his discovery! Sulli got his much longed for Iron Man suit, Simon got a bunch of Ninjago Lego guys, Daisy got a treehouse for her Calico Critters and Woodzeez, and Sarajoy got a tea set in a basket. Ruby's gift was really fun. She wanted the entire Harry Potter DVD collection. I was thinking it would be too expensive, but since she wasn't asking for much else I figured I would just get it. Then one day I looked on the Amazon deals, and it was only 24.99! I was pretty excited, and she was excited to get it. Long before Christmas, Nathan had banged up his ukulele and said how much he would like a nicer one. But when Christmas rolled around, he said not to get him anything and spend the money on the kids (love that kid!). I went ahead and got him a nicer ukulele and hid it in plain sight. We have had a really old brown uke for years that doesn't really work very well. It has kind of just been a toy. We have it hanging on a hook in our living room. I took it down and put the new uke up and told Nathan to find his present. I think we had to give him quite a few clues before he found it. So fun! We had some delicious beans cooked with leftover Christmas ham for dinner and made our last minute preparations.
We left for Idaho very early the next morning in order to make it for the Porter Christmas Party. Traditional waffles and soufflé for brunch followed by talent show, minute to win it games, and a gift exchange. We played Joy to the World in 3 parts as a string ensemble. (Plus Dallin on the harmonica!) Brandon took the bass part on the cello, I played the alto on my violin, Daisy and Simon played the melody, and Sarajoy and Sullivan played along to the rhythm, making it up as they went. It was really, really fun! Playing music together has been a highlight of my year and a dream come true that I never thought would happen for our family. I made some ornaments for my sister Amy that have the different names of the Savior on them. I printed some of them off of the internet, but used photoshop to make several of my own that I discovered while doing my Book of Mormon challenge earlier in the year. We gave Brady some disco lights since they have the "party" house. They came in handy for our New Year's Just Dance party. So fun! My sister-in-law Darcie made me a really awesome Logan Temple picture from paper cutouts. Dallin got a drone from Chris. They also gave us a monopoly card game. We were the recipients of the Grinch Bag, the family gag gift that gets passed around. I had made some offhand comment at the Sisters' retreat that I had a childhood dream that someone would sing Lionel Richie's "Ballerina Girl" to me. Kim made my dream come true by having Dallin sing it to me while wearing an amazing black afro. We also got a Rudolph nose and antlers for our car.
We loved staying at Amy and Brady's house again this year. We learned to play monopoly cards and Zeus on the loose. We watched Phineas and Ferb and played I Spy in their awesome look-alike Christmas book. We loved being there for sweet Freya's blessing day and spending some time with Renee's family. For a day or two, the most amazing ice crystals fell from the sky and gathered on our car and the trees. It was really relaxing and fun and hard to pack up and come home.
When we pulled into the driveway on New Year's eve, our good neighbor came right over and invited us to eat and celebrate at their house. What a blessing! To come home to an empty cold house with no food and disappointed kids was not pleasant. We had chosen to come home for the big kids to celebrate with friends and so we would have some time to settle in and take down Christmas before school started again. It was such a great offering that they would let our whole big family come and eat and play for awhile. We played some games and ate great food and came home early enough to settle in for the night. We watched the ball drop in New York and sang some songs and made some noise and threw streamers. I think we watched a movie, too. Good times. We wrapped up our holiday fun by taking everyone to the new Star Wars movie the next day. We all really enjoyed it, though I was glad I had already seen it with Dallin because I think I ran someone to the bathroom at least 3 times. Happy, Happy Holidays!
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Christmas Treasures
December started off with the Festival of Trees. My dear friend Elisa invited me to go with her to participate in one of her favorite Christmas traditions. This year she needed her husband to stay home with the baby so she invited me and another friend, our midwife Roxanna. The 3 of us enjoyed catching up a little on the hour drive to the event. I was pretty blown away by the amazing trees and displays that people had donated. There was also a display of hundreds of gingerbread houses. It was certainly a festive occasion! A nice dinner was served to all of the patrons and they had gift shops in addition to the trees that were up for auction. I chose something in the gift shop for each of the kids and Elisa surprised us by paying for our things at checkout! What a fun Christmas gift!
We've been saving all our our candy since Halloween for gingerbread houses. We got started by making the dough and cutting the houses for our first family activity for the month. The next week we paired up with a buddy and decorated our houses. They were really fun! I found a pattern for a small house online which turned out to be just right since we were making so many. Sullivan was my buddy. His favorite part was filling the chimney with various candies. It was lots of fun and mess and we loved our little gingerbread village that stayed in our kitchen for the whole season. The big boys were exercising when we called them back upstairs for some pictures, so they thought they'd be funny and not put their shirts back on. Instead they made them into ninja masks. The little boys were enthralled with that idea! Later that night, I stepped out of my room only to find a ninja hovering over my doorway. Simon had climbed the wall with his ninja mask on. He was so excited that he "got" me. Late that night as I went up to bed, I saw 2 little ninjas creeping around their room. It was pretty cute so I pretended I didn't see and let them stay up. (That wasn't happening when they tried again the next night, though.)
We had our ward breakfast that first Friday. The kids were in a little nativity for it. For some reason, Sarajoy wouldn't participate. (I suspect she wanted to be Mary and didn't get the part) After the breakfast, we headed into Payson to a stake center that was hosting a crèche exhibit. It was really lovely.
The next Friday was the golden night to get together with our Spanish Fork friends. Once upon a time we got together with them on an almost monthly basis. Now we are all in the thick of busy life with big kids that makes it really hard to find a night we can all get together. We had tried earlier in the year before I had the baby, and there was not a single night that would work. I was thrilled that we found ONE night in December that worked! It was a happy, happy night for me to have those good people in our home again. We had great food, great conversation, played some games, and ended up visiting the Birds' new house just down the road in Payson. Being with people I love makes the holiday season so much more wonderful!
Time for family pictures. Ugh. Is there any way to make this not stressful? Well, we actually got as close as we possibly could this year. My friend Marcie offered to take them for us at the park just across the street. The picture part was pretty quick and painless, even if it was snowy and cold. She was here for less than an hour. But getting ready is always so stressful! Getting all of the outfits clean and together and just right, then getting everyone dressed and hair done but not so early that it gets messed up--it seems like there was too much to do at the very end. We were 15 minutes late, even though I scheduled it at 3:30pm and worked on it all day! Thanks to Marcie, they turned out amazing! She was so quick at the park where we really were freezing. Then home for a quick outfit change and into the backyard in our Christmas clothes. Nathan started the whole Santa/Elf thing by going with his friends and getting some plush one-piece Santa jammies. I realized the little boys already had Santa jammies from last year and Dallin has had a Santa suit for years. I made a mental note to get a picture of just them sometime during the season. Then I walked into Shopko one day and saw the funnest elf shirts for me and Ruby. They also had the Dollie and Me elf jammies for the 2 younger girls. So I grabbed Brandon some Santa jammies a few days later and we were all set for some sweet North Pole family photos. Dallin and I laughed that we might be qualifying ourselves for some Awkward Family Photos, but they were a lot of fun and turned out great! (And somehow, in the end I ended up digging in dirty laundry to get one set of elf pajamas that I had missed in all of my preparation. sigh.)
Brandon decided to participate with Millenial Choirs and Orchestra this semester. I was really glad he wanted to do it because I have heard such great things about that organization. He had a wonderful experience, and we were excited for his concert. But there were a few obstacles to overcome first. #1: Cost. The tickets were $30 and we were responsible for 10. A little fact in the participation agreement I had overlooked. Thankfully, the grandparents were willing to pay for their own. We took a deep breath and bought the rest and hoped for the best. Obstacle #2: No babies allowed. This would not have been a huge deal if the venue had been closer (over an hour away) or if my older kids didn't all want to come, or if Brandon didn't have to be there 4 hours before the performance started. Thankfully, the neighbors across the street offered to have the kids for the day. I was still really worried about being away from my baby for so long. #3: Sullivan had a fever Sunday night and threw up Monday morning. I was not quite sure how to deal with this little wrinkle in the plan. Amazingly, my neighbor's response was: "Of course you are going anyway, we have dealt with sick kids before." #4: Gigantic snowstorm all day long. Like, 9" by noon and more coming down. Like, over 300 accidents on the interstate along the Wasatch front. We went anyway. We met my parents in Salt Lake City (about 45 minutes later than planned, but alive) and had dinner at Blue Lemon. Then we got to walk around Temple Square and see the lights. They were breathtaking with the inches of newly fallen snow on them. I loved it! I have been trying to create an experience like this for my family for years, and my other 2 attempts had been far from what I had imagined. This was even better. (Though I could have spent more time there). I was very impressed and moved by the performance. It lived up to the price of the tickets and filled my soul! We got home very late. I think I had been away from Corban for 10 hours. ( He has not wanted anything to do with strangers since) He had had a rough time, but was asleep when we got there. Sullivan had not had any problems. They were all well cared for. We were SO grateful!
Nathan's school Christmas program was that week as well. It was really well done and inspiring!
One of my very favorite Christmas treasures was having my cousin Debbie and her family stay with us for a few days. I spent every Christmas of my childhood and a few of my adult life with Debbie's family the Hustons in Arizona. It was so wonderful to have her and her husband and 4 kids here. It felt like it was really Christmas! Her kids luxuriated in the piles of snow in the yard. Dallin and I luxuriated in having Russ and Debbie to talk and joke with for 2 days. Russ luxuriated in playing racquetball in our backyard racquetball court! They were here for the Christmas program in our ward where I sang. I also taught Relief Society that day, and it was fun to have Debbie in class. It was a great way to start off official Christmas break!
We've been saving all our our candy since Halloween for gingerbread houses. We got started by making the dough and cutting the houses for our first family activity for the month. The next week we paired up with a buddy and decorated our houses. They were really fun! I found a pattern for a small house online which turned out to be just right since we were making so many. Sullivan was my buddy. His favorite part was filling the chimney with various candies. It was lots of fun and mess and we loved our little gingerbread village that stayed in our kitchen for the whole season. The big boys were exercising when we called them back upstairs for some pictures, so they thought they'd be funny and not put their shirts back on. Instead they made them into ninja masks. The little boys were enthralled with that idea! Later that night, I stepped out of my room only to find a ninja hovering over my doorway. Simon had climbed the wall with his ninja mask on. He was so excited that he "got" me. Late that night as I went up to bed, I saw 2 little ninjas creeping around their room. It was pretty cute so I pretended I didn't see and let them stay up. (That wasn't happening when they tried again the next night, though.)
We had our ward breakfast that first Friday. The kids were in a little nativity for it. For some reason, Sarajoy wouldn't participate. (I suspect she wanted to be Mary and didn't get the part) After the breakfast, we headed into Payson to a stake center that was hosting a crèche exhibit. It was really lovely.
The next Friday was the golden night to get together with our Spanish Fork friends. Once upon a time we got together with them on an almost monthly basis. Now we are all in the thick of busy life with big kids that makes it really hard to find a night we can all get together. We had tried earlier in the year before I had the baby, and there was not a single night that would work. I was thrilled that we found ONE night in December that worked! It was a happy, happy night for me to have those good people in our home again. We had great food, great conversation, played some games, and ended up visiting the Birds' new house just down the road in Payson. Being with people I love makes the holiday season so much more wonderful!
Time for family pictures. Ugh. Is there any way to make this not stressful? Well, we actually got as close as we possibly could this year. My friend Marcie offered to take them for us at the park just across the street. The picture part was pretty quick and painless, even if it was snowy and cold. She was here for less than an hour. But getting ready is always so stressful! Getting all of the outfits clean and together and just right, then getting everyone dressed and hair done but not so early that it gets messed up--it seems like there was too much to do at the very end. We were 15 minutes late, even though I scheduled it at 3:30pm and worked on it all day! Thanks to Marcie, they turned out amazing! She was so quick at the park where we really were freezing. Then home for a quick outfit change and into the backyard in our Christmas clothes. Nathan started the whole Santa/Elf thing by going with his friends and getting some plush one-piece Santa jammies. I realized the little boys already had Santa jammies from last year and Dallin has had a Santa suit for years. I made a mental note to get a picture of just them sometime during the season. Then I walked into Shopko one day and saw the funnest elf shirts for me and Ruby. They also had the Dollie and Me elf jammies for the 2 younger girls. So I grabbed Brandon some Santa jammies a few days later and we were all set for some sweet North Pole family photos. Dallin and I laughed that we might be qualifying ourselves for some Awkward Family Photos, but they were a lot of fun and turned out great! (And somehow, in the end I ended up digging in dirty laundry to get one set of elf pajamas that I had missed in all of my preparation. sigh.)
Brandon decided to participate with Millenial Choirs and Orchestra this semester. I was really glad he wanted to do it because I have heard such great things about that organization. He had a wonderful experience, and we were excited for his concert. But there were a few obstacles to overcome first. #1: Cost. The tickets were $30 and we were responsible for 10. A little fact in the participation agreement I had overlooked. Thankfully, the grandparents were willing to pay for their own. We took a deep breath and bought the rest and hoped for the best. Obstacle #2: No babies allowed. This would not have been a huge deal if the venue had been closer (over an hour away) or if my older kids didn't all want to come, or if Brandon didn't have to be there 4 hours before the performance started. Thankfully, the neighbors across the street offered to have the kids for the day. I was still really worried about being away from my baby for so long. #3: Sullivan had a fever Sunday night and threw up Monday morning. I was not quite sure how to deal with this little wrinkle in the plan. Amazingly, my neighbor's response was: "Of course you are going anyway, we have dealt with sick kids before." #4: Gigantic snowstorm all day long. Like, 9" by noon and more coming down. Like, over 300 accidents on the interstate along the Wasatch front. We went anyway. We met my parents in Salt Lake City (about 45 minutes later than planned, but alive) and had dinner at Blue Lemon. Then we got to walk around Temple Square and see the lights. They were breathtaking with the inches of newly fallen snow on them. I loved it! I have been trying to create an experience like this for my family for years, and my other 2 attempts had been far from what I had imagined. This was even better. (Though I could have spent more time there). I was very impressed and moved by the performance. It lived up to the price of the tickets and filled my soul! We got home very late. I think I had been away from Corban for 10 hours. ( He has not wanted anything to do with strangers since) He had had a rough time, but was asleep when we got there. Sullivan had not had any problems. They were all well cared for. We were SO grateful!
Nathan's school Christmas program was that week as well. It was really well done and inspiring!
One of my very favorite Christmas treasures was having my cousin Debbie and her family stay with us for a few days. I spent every Christmas of my childhood and a few of my adult life with Debbie's family the Hustons in Arizona. It was so wonderful to have her and her husband and 4 kids here. It felt like it was really Christmas! Her kids luxuriated in the piles of snow in the yard. Dallin and I luxuriated in having Russ and Debbie to talk and joke with for 2 days. Russ luxuriated in playing racquetball in our backyard racquetball court! They were here for the Christmas program in our ward where I sang. I also taught Relief Society that day, and it was fun to have Debbie in class. It was a great way to start off official Christmas break!
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
How It's Been
this post has been milling around in my mind for months. It is hard to describe how life has been since Corban joined us. I'm worried that trying to give words to the hardness will create misunderstanding. I don't want to give people the feeling I am unhappy or that I have any regrets. I want to be a champion for families and I hate to think of people seeing behind the scenes and thinking "that's not for me", or worse, "that's what you get for having so many kids." I feel a lot of pressure to put on a happy face and make it all look perfect.
The reality is, this life of mine is perfect. It is exactly the kind of schooling my person needs to be refined into something better. But it looks kinda messy. It feels like waking up to the impossible every day, every minute. Which means either really exciting or really scary.
The past few years I have deliberately worked to remove fear from my life. Because of this I can honestly say this isn't the hardest time of my life. There have been times that felt heavier than this because I didn't have the spiritual fortitude to keep out the bad guys. But I have certainly felt dragged around and beat up by life in the past 6 months. Waking up to the impossible means I get up and work relentlessly: mentally, physically, and emotionally, and at the end of the day there is so much still left undone, unanswered, or below expectations. I am constantly dealing with so much input and trying to keep track of so much. I'm constantly tempted to let the bad guys in who want me to fall into despair and overwhelm. I'm constantly thinking about ways to improve the management of the household so it will run more smoothly and give me the time and space for things that are missing. It is hard, hard, work that rarely lets up.
It leaves me feeling vulnerable. Being A naturally confident person, this is a new feeling for me. It is hard for me to feel safe in social situations that normally would be no problem. I have to wonder if people understand the intensity of my life and that certain things just aren't a priority for me anymore. And it has been hard to write. I feel so humble and incompetent and, well, just too tired.
The reality is, this life of mine is perfect. It is exactly the kind of schooling my person needs to be refined into something better. But it looks kinda messy. It feels like waking up to the impossible every day, every minute. Which means either really exciting or really scary.
The past few years I have deliberately worked to remove fear from my life. Because of this I can honestly say this isn't the hardest time of my life. There have been times that felt heavier than this because I didn't have the spiritual fortitude to keep out the bad guys. But I have certainly felt dragged around and beat up by life in the past 6 months. Waking up to the impossible means I get up and work relentlessly: mentally, physically, and emotionally, and at the end of the day there is so much still left undone, unanswered, or below expectations. I am constantly dealing with so much input and trying to keep track of so much. I'm constantly tempted to let the bad guys in who want me to fall into despair and overwhelm. I'm constantly thinking about ways to improve the management of the household so it will run more smoothly and give me the time and space for things that are missing. It is hard, hard, work that rarely lets up.
It leaves me feeling vulnerable. Being A naturally confident person, this is a new feeling for me. It is hard for me to feel safe in social situations that normally would be no problem. I have to wonder if people understand the intensity of my life and that certain things just aren't a priority for me anymore. And it has been hard to write. I feel so humble and incompetent and, well, just too tired.
But it has been so refining! If anything could rub off my rough edges this would be it. I appreciate the things that I have learned especially my ever-increasing need to rely upon the Lord. He never fails to come to my aid, not always with answers, but always with peace.
My life is perfectly hard, and perfectly good. By choosing to give life once again and all of the hard things that go along with that choice, I am finding life more abundantly within myself.
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