A Precious gift of a day

Tuesdays are normally my hardest days. I anticipate them with a lot of anxiety. They are the days that my kids go to the charter school to take classes. I have to get up at 7 or 7:30 which is about 2 hours too early for me. (If you knew what my nights were like, you would not judge me on this!) So I get up early and drag all day because my older kids are not here to help. I wander between the two babies, each one crying in turn while I help the other. If I ever manage the miracle of them napping together, it is usually just before time to pick up the kids.

This Tuesday was different.

Waking up that morning was PAINFUL. I had had a very difficult time with my baby all night.

I managed a chapter of scriptures while I walked on the treadmill.

I prodded the kids along on their getting ready for school duties. The babies slept. The kids got invited to go home from school with another family. I felt relief that my afternoon wouldn't be broken up by a trip to Salem.

I had a few minutes to read the Ensign while I ate breakfast and before the babies needed me.

The topic was choosing a spouse, so I don't even know why I read the article. I have obviously already made that choice!

Dallin and I have been praying about the size of our family. We are both really ready to be done having babies. There are ever so many emotions and things to consider in this decision. I know what I want and what seems like the best thing for our family, but I don't want to make the decision for selfish reasons. I don't want to make the wrong decision. If the Lord wanted me to have another baby right now, I would do it. But I don't want to. Not really. Even though there is a part of me that is envious every time I hear about someone being pregnant or having more kids than I. Even though every time I see a newborn baby I want to hold it and take care of it. If someone handed me a baby that had no parents, I would take it home and love it. I love babies! But I have older kids who need me and other parts of my life that are severely suffering for lack of attention. I have felt since we found out that Sarajoy was a girl that it was okay to move on. But I've wanted to be sure. Here's what I read:

"The Lord expects you to use your own good sense. He expects you to rely on your own natural feelings... then put the matter to Heavenly Father. The lack of a contrary impression to your own feelings may be His way of telling you that He has no objection to your choice."

I felt a flood of the Spirit as I read those words. I knew they were for me. I was expecting to feel a wave of relief, but instead I felt--sadness. The tears come again even now, a day later. I don't want to close the door on this very precious stage of life. It is what I have lived for since I was a very small child.

These deep emotions compounded upon two other very intense and stressful situations that Dallin and I are dealing with. They were already weighing heavily on my mind. This new sadness added a weight that I just could neither carry nor throw off.

I called my mom. She listened and cared and mothered me. The weight lifted. My babies were needing me so we ended the phone call. It felt like a new day had just begun.

Simon and I watched Dinosaur Train while I changed the baby. Then I changed him. I was comforting the baby when Simon came up to me and climbed in my lap as well. I held them both close and I sang them some songs. I rocked back and forth and they took turns throwing their heads back. We all laughed and felt so full of joy. I had a long list of things to do that day, but in that moment, what I was doing was the only thing.

I showered quickly while Simon played with Joy. We all got in the car and picked up Daisy from preschool. I got the laundry started. We ran a couple of errands. I picked up 200lbs of wheat that is on sale right now.

The baby was really fussy while I was unloading the wheat into our house. I tried to nurse her, but she wouldn't. I pumped and she took the bottle easily. She hasn't had a bottle for months, so I was surprised. I wondered if weaning her might be a good thing right now. She has never been a comfort nurser. She fights it often, and I have been bitten so many times in the last few weeks that I've lost track. I tense up in preparation every time I nurse her.
I thought I would nurse my last baby forever, but so many of the things that I thought I would for sure do or never do have come back to bite me.
Currently, I am humbled beyond having an opinion about anything except the gospel.
So maybe weaning her would solve our sleep problems. Who knows?

She fell asleep and slept for a long time. Simon and Daisy played happily together. I was able to make some progress on a home school system I want to try. I was able to prepare for Activity Days. I was able to inventory our food storage and make a shopping list. I kept the laundry going and marveled at how quickly it goes now that the dryer is fixed. All the while the baby slept and the other two played. It has been SO long since I felt so uninterrupted. I needed that.

Dallin came home and took over the care of the children so I could run some errands. I laminated my school stuff at the library, bought some sticky velcro, and went out to Santaquin to pick up the older kids. I had a nice visit with their mom before we headed home. I delivered my Activity Days fliers with Ruby's help and company.
We got home and Dallin went to play basketball with the Elders' Quorum. He took the boys with him. Simon was already in bed. I ate dinner and enjoyed some time with the girls. We even read a story together. It was after 10 when they went down to bed, but it was worth it to enjoy them for awhile. Before going to bed, Ruby wrote a rhyme for Dallin to go with the Pop Tart that she saved for him. It was very sweet.
When Dallin and the boys got home, I had been cutting out the stuff that I laminated. We visited for awhile while Sarajoy played on the floor. Dallin helped me cut until Sarajoy was getting fussy. We gave her her medicines and took turns holding her/playing with her while we got ready for bed. Dallin made me some of his wonderful popcorn and we watched a part of a movie while we waited for Joy to crash.

I snuggled up to my baby and went to sleep.

I needed this day. It was joyful. It was productive. It was healing.

I'm so thankful.

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