What right do I have to feel this way when my sister's little boy has leukemia?
Or my friend finds herself moving cross country as a single mom of two special needs kids?
Or my other friend has had a daughter unable to eat and in and out of the hospital for over a month?
What right do I have to feel this way when I have an amazing husband, lovely healthy children, a supportive extended family, a wonderful piece of property in a great ward?
I have no business feeling upset by the almost constant fight against fatigue and hormones and sickness.
Or the sense that I can only ever taste for a moment the sense that I have a grip on things.
Or that maybe I'm just not cut out to be a home school mom.
That no matter how much time and money I spend, I will never be as "prepared" or self reliant as I'd like.
That my spirit wants more children, but that my body could never handle it.
That my home is not the haven that I want my wonderful man to come home to.
I study and I pray. I learn and listen. I have big ideas about how tomorrow will be.
But then I wake up and clean up vomit and change diapers and spend an hour on tech support for the cell phone and it is suddenly dinner time and the babies are cranky and the house is a mess and I haven't exercised (again!) and I didn't get to read to my kids (again!) and they're behind in school and they don't even know what logic or latin are.
And the cornbread I just made "tastes weird".
And I think, " please, Jesus, come today because I just don't know if I can do this anymore!"
3 times in my Patriarchial blessing it tells me to be a "doer and not a hearer only". Oh, how that phrase has haunted me. How do I get the things that I learn and hear to match up with the "do"? Why is it that I work until I'm weary every day, but I rarely feel like I've been a doer?
Perhaps it is because I keep seeking rest in my covers instead of rest in my Lord.
And because I keep trying to do things on my own (very limited) strength instead of putting on the yoke of light that is constantly offered to me. Because it takes more humility for me to access power than knowledge, so I have an overload of knowledge (hearer) and an underload of power (doer) because I forget to ask for help and strength.
I am sorry. I will go for a walk in the sunshine. It will dry the tears and calm the fears and energize the weary body and soul.
And I think, "Jesus, please be with me today and give me strength and power to do all that is required for me to be ready for Thy coming."
Light.
Sarah-it's your old choir buddy, JoLyn. Thank you for posting a link to your blog on facebook. I read your latest post, and then just kept on reading. You write such heartfelt, profound things. And in regards to the "Heavy" post, can I just say, "Amen!"
ReplyDeleteSo-you have SIX children? Wow! And you homeschool them? Double Wow! I would love to catch up someday! Take care.
Just want you to know how impressed I was with you and your mommy skills while we stayed there. I was feeling the same way right about that time, I felt like everything was a burden, didn't want to go to church cause it was too hard, and was more like just surviving instead of finding joy. Brady reminded me that I was primarily at church to worship the Lord, and after listening to conference I was boosted so much. I can't really pinpoint a talk or anything, I think many little things they said boosted me and helped me feel like I can do the things I need to do and if everything doesn't always look or end up the way other people think it should that's ok. Love you and just want you to know I admire your strength compassion and passion for doing what is right and good. Your trials are just as legitimate as anyone else and you have every right to feel sad, down, frustrated, that's part of working through things and making our way back to the joy. :) Amy
ReplyDeleteSarah! You're comparing yourself to others and you know that's a no-no!!! Heavenly Father gives us challenges according to our individual needs. Don't compare yourself to other people or you'll go nuts. If you're having a hard time, then you're having a hard time. Period. And you can get help to make it through that hard time. Heavenly Father loves you for you!!! And He knows how much is too much and He wants you to find answers in Him!
ReplyDeleteBeing a doer and not a hearer only has nothing to do with getting a bunch of stuff done each day. Heavenly Father's version of doing is NOT the same our ours. Forget your "to-to" list as a measure of success and evaluate your day as one who strives to live the gospel! And I certainly don't mean measuring gospel success by creating a to-do list of service projects and temple attendance and visiting teaching! I mean finding the peace and joy and love that the gospel really can bring us!
This is getting long.
I'll send you an email!
You're terrific--you just don't know it!
Oh dear friend. You are doing a great job. Those kids are so lucky to have you, they indeed will rise up and call you blessed. I hope you know how amazing I think you are.
ReplyDeleteI hear you, Sarah. I've been feeling "heavy" lately too: it is a physical and a spiritual feeling. Why am I tired so much when I (most of the time) get a full night's sleep? Why do I consistently lack the patience I need to be nurturing? It is impossible for me to accomplish all that I want to do... learning, gardening, mothering, cooking, keeping a clean house. It really is impossible.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the covers won't bring solace but prayer will. Amy's remarks about conference reminded me of Elder Bednar's most recent address. He said that everyone over age 8 and baptized and confirmed can expect the spirit of revelation regularly. That comforts me and gives me hope.
Riding out the highs and lows of life isn't always fun... Maybe we need to learn more discipline on how to endure through the lows so it doesn't drag us down so much. Like in Little Women when the mom practices patience and holds her tongue when she's upset, sometimes even leaving the room, so as not to lash out. Maybe creating a mantra and repeating it to ourselves during the hard moments will help us ride through them rather than experiencing them so fully. And then it will get easier and easier.
In the Anne of Green Gables movie, Marilla tells Anne that she's never been in the "depths of despair" because to despair is to turn your back on God.
I hope you feel lighter soon!
Love, Rhyetta
It is so hard being a mommy. You are amazing though Sarah and I admire you for how hard you work at everything. Hang in there, you are wonderful!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your words of encouragement! I just needed to get all of that junk "out there" so I could see it for what it is and move on.
ReplyDeleteGlad I'm having those days less and less frequently, but sometimes I just can't ward them off!
I don't pretend to understand your struggles but I offer compassion. Life is very hard. Motherhood is harder still. It's okay to feel burdened. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. But I don't think those feelings are a criticism that you aren't doing enough or aren't faithful enough. Or that you're not doing it right. I think Heavenly Father has great compassion on you for your struggles and is very proud of you for doing all that you do.
ReplyDeleteI struggle a lot with Heavenly Father denying peace, prosperity or comfort unless we ask in the right way or ask at all. I think He gives it to us even when we don't. Not to oversimplify it, but how many times as a parent did you hand that cookie over to your child even if they didn't ask for it or even know you had it? I may have very simple faith.
I think your kids are fantastic. Thoughtful. Smart. Empathetic. They stood out against their cousins this weekend. Part of it is their own personalities, part of it is their amazing mother.