Breather

Today was a much-needed breather for me. 

The past few days I have been experiencing pretty intense nausea and fatigue combined with horrible allergy symptoms. 

My productivity meter has been waaaaay low.  It seems like I have a couple of good hours a day.  The rest of the day, I'm either thinking of what to eat or recovering from what I just ate. 

Thankfully, I have kept everything down.

A year ago, I was quite sure that I never wanted to do this again. 

Sometime between then and now, my heart began to change.  I went through a sort of spiritual metomorphosis that has helped me view things in a more eternal perspective. 
And I started to feel like I wanted another chance.  I wanted to do it again because I wanted to prove I could handle it better--that I could face the hard parts with the right attitude. 
Besides that, I felt my heart opening up for some other reasons:
I wanted to show gratitude for the miraculous way the Lord has led us to this great place.
I felt like having a baby here would make it feel so much more like home.
We were blessed to move into a ward that is full of very large families, but whose children are mostly grown.  That kind of support is so encouraging.
While unpacking, I found my patriarchal blessing, and it reminded me of my true purpose in life.
I had a couple of discussions with people who are struggling so much with fertility, and I realized that we have been blessed to have it come so easily.
And by another great miracle, my husband's heart was opened as well. 

There are a lot of things I still don't understand.  Why does our family feel so complete? 
I've tried to brush away the little hurts I've felt from people's comments.  I know they meant no harm.  But I can't help but feel a little bit of the "Ha-ha, you were wrong!" feeling.  Or a hidden implication that I lacked faith.
Maybe they don't know that I fasted and prayed and went to the temple and YEARNED for an answer. 
But I never got one. 
I received counsel that no specific answer can mean to move forward with your best judgement. 
So I thought, "We're done.  Our family is complete." 
It made sense for so many reasons. 
It hasn't been too hard to accept the humble pie because really, I am so happy.
I wanted another chance, and I got it.

But wanting to take on a new challenge with the right attitude is a different story than actually doing it. 
The past few days have surely tried my ability to avoid the temptations of being overwhelmed and depressed.
I have such high hopes for the upcoming school year, and I am just not ready.  My inability to make much progress on the things on my Summer "to-do" list has been so disheartening. 
And more kids need braces.
And getting the moles on my arm tested was WAY more expensive than I thought it would be.
And my neck injury is acting up again.
And Sarajoy's potty party was a total disaster.  (She's not allowed to even try to go potty for at least a month!)
And I still have to feed people and do laundry and be nice when I feel SO irritable!

I remembered to turn to the Lord when I felt myself slipping into despair, and he offered His arm of strength.
I still didn't know exactly how to carry on, and I was reminded that the power of His strength is love.

And so today was a breather.  I was able to go to the ward exercise group at the park. 
I didn't have to go to bed after breakfast.
I enjoyed spending a few hours with a friend who came and listened and helped fold laundry. 
I got to line-dry my diapers, and for some reason that makes me really happy.  I love the smell of clean diapers.
Dallin brought me a plate of food from his luncheon.  It was delicious.
I took a shorter nap than usual.  I made dinner.  I got to write. 
The little ones had a bath, and Ruby helped them.  I got to enjoy their sweet chubby freshness without the work.
I made granola with the younger kids while the boys were at scouts.  I was amazed at how wonderfully happy this made them.  I realized that I have rarely, if ever let my 2 little ones help in the kitchen.  It was joyful.  And we haven't had granola for a long time! 
It has been a great day!

What else is new lately:
We got a kitty last week, and the kids have had so much fun with him.  They call him Mikey.
We finished Simon and Sarajoy's jungle room.  We set up a toddler-sized bunk bed that fits so nicely in there.  I finally got pictures and decorations hung.  I fixed the train table and set it up, and we put a climbing rope/swing that everyone is enjoying.  I love going in there and having the feeling that there is one room in the house that is totally done!
It is a little sad to have the little nursery room off our bedroom empty.  I know it won't be for long, but it is hard to not to hear the sweet breathing of a little occupant.  Sarajoy is doing a pretty good job of staying on her little "big-girl" bed.
Dallin and I celebrated our 14th anniversary on Monday.  He took me to Prestwich Farms.  Yum. 
Dallin is almost done fixing the sprinkler system in the front yard. 
I continue to have weird cravings and other unusual (for me) pregnancy symptoms:
insomnia and heart burn ( I usually don't get these till the end)
Grape juice, V8 and Ovaltine. (I'm totally a water or milk person, and I usually can't stand sweets at first)
Irritability.  People just bug me, and I say things without thinking. Like I called my 3 year old a big liar. (I'm usually weepy and emotional, but not so grouchy.)
Smells don't really bother me, and they usually bother me even when I'm not pregnant.
I've been shopping online for books for the upcoming school year.  I'm excited to delve in and work to create an enjoyable atmosphere of learning.

Life is good.
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