Prayer for a Special Summer

We had a lovely dinner tonight.  I'm so thankful for the turkey meatloaf balls.  Linda made them for us when Sullivan was born and they sort of got lost in the freezer.  Yesterday, I told Dallin to take the turkey out of the freezer to thaw, and he took them out instead of the whole turkey in there.  And there they were all ready to cook when I had a minute to think about Sunday dinner.  Thank you for saving them for me.  And the zuchinni from the garden.  Now that's a miracle.  That we've been able to grow anything here THIS summer.  The boys and I had such fun making french fries from the bag of potatoes I found in the bottom of the pantry.

 It really was a lovely dinner, even though I started sobbing right in the middle of it.  I'm sure I worried the kids, but I just couldn't help it.  You see, Lord, my throat started hurting again.  A Lot.  And I really had hoped to start school with the kids tomorrow.  I've spent so much time preparing, and I am so excited to make some changes.  So I was a little disappointed to find that my sickness isn't gone after all.  But its okay.  I know that if I need to be sick for a few more days or weeks or months or whatever that I'll learn a lot from it. 

It is easier to be thankful for trials when they are over, but I'm learning.  I want to make the most of adversity.  I'm trying so hard to face it with gratitude, but it still gets the best of me sometimes.  I'm learning not to be afraid.  I see you there in the trials now.  I hear your voice: "It is I, be not afraid."

I'm not afraid of sleep deprivation anymore.  Thank you for helping me learn that.  When the baby stopped sleeping through the night, did you notice that I didn't wish it away?  I knew it was for me.  It was time for me to learn this! I remember that night when it was so, so hard.  I was so tired, and those horrible thoughts were creeping in again.  I just held my baby tight and loved him and sang to him, and for a moment I was filled with your pure love and light.  And I felt joy then.  Even though I was so tired and fighting darkness I felt joy.  And this week being up so many nights suffering with pain  I wore out the old hymn "Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow".  And then as I thought I was getting better, Sullivan had a couple of all-nighters.  But I wasn't afraid.  I was getting a headache from the lack of sleep and I had been functioning at low brain capacity all day, but I kept you near and tried not to worry.  Then he slept through the night and it was so wonderful!  I took the challenge from Alma to be content with what you give me.  It has been so helpful.  All you do for me is enough and more.  Enough sleep, enough wellness, enough hours in each day.  It is a good exercise to practice being content.  I love how thy words can take on such special meaning during hard times.

The other day that I felt so sick and discouraged, I didn't really know what to do.  I wasn't sure if I was supposed to push through or rest or how I was ever going to do all the things I needed to do.  I wondered what you would do if you were here, or what I would do if I was helping someone in my condition.  I found a cozy blanket and curled up on the couch.  It made me so thankful that I finally have a nice soft couch I can lie down on.  Thank you for helping me find it.  I think Ashley dropped by that day and I was so happy to see her.  She chopped the vegis to go in my bone broth.  It means a lot to me that she likes to be around me.  So many times I've cried out for you to send someone.  Sometimes I just want to know that somebody cares.  You sent Ashley that day.  And Elisa came once and helped me one day this summer.  I love that.  I need that.  A lot of times nobody comes, but it is because you want me to know I can depend on you.  I'm glad you are teaching me that.  I read that reference to "When God Wants a Man" in the Ensign and I looked up the poem.  I know that loneliness helps me turn to thee.
That poem  helped me realize that you must really want me right now.  I am glad you want me.

This was a hard summer, Lord.  A purifying time for our family.  The family reunion at Bryce Canyon was hard, but it was good, too.  It came after weeks of Dallin being sick and neither one of us dealt with that very well.  But it was beautiful there, and the kids had such a lovely time.  I was so thankful for the bus driver on the shuttle.  He told us so many wonderful things about the area.  And great-grandmother's story about working as a family on the farm and how happy the days were that they all got to spend in the fields together.  I loved that.  And our van made it up all those mountains with so much stuff crammed in.  I drove there myself and we made it there and back safely.  I'm so glad that van is still working so well for us. 

Then there were weeks of turmoil.  We just couldn't seem to communicate with each other.  There was so much pressure and so much contention.  My heart felt so broken.  But you gave us those moments here and there that we could talk and start making some progress.  Our anniversary was nice.  We ended up getting new tires, shocks and struts instead of having a getaway in a hotel.  But while they were working on the car, we had a lovely meal in a quiet restaurant.  The next day was our anniversary and all of our plans kept falling through.  That morning Tanner Davies invited Nathan to 7 Peaks and an idea was born.  I wondered if Valerie might be there and willing to watch the baby.  She was, and we had a lot of fun going down slides together.  We got some pizza and went to the park and talked.  It was enough.  Dallin did get to work on the sprinkler system.  So many things have kept him from it all summer, but how grateful we are that you sent Dale Bigler to help us with that.  What an important thing for Dallin to accomplish, and how wonderful it will be to have things growing on our place!

What a tender mercy Island Park was!  Can you even believe that Dallin took us there?  I mentioned in passing one day that I wanted a "do-over" of Bryce Canyon and that my sister's family was going to Island Park and inviting anyone who wanted to go to come along.  It was during the 2nd week of school, a really busy time for him.  I didn't think he'd ever want to miss that, but he worked out his schedule and we went.  Are we crazy, or what?  It is 6 hours away and we only wanted to take one car for a 3 night camping trip!  But we did it, and it was just what our family needed: a vacation.  There can't be a much better place to camp than Island Park.  It is so breathtakingly beautiful there.  We spent the days on the shallow river, letting the kids play.  I bought these kid fishing poles that have a rubber fish on the end.  I was a little worried about spending the money, but they were such a hit!  The kids lost the fish off them a few times.  Twice I went out and searched and searched.  I said a silly little prayer for a silly little fish.  Twice I felt I'd looked all I could and headed back to shore only to look down and see the fish right there.  Thank you.  The river was so shallow there was no worry of drowning, but it was deep enough for us to do little float trips.  It was incredible to see the bald eagle perched in a tree across the river and watch its young ones fly around calling to each other.  The older kids saw several moose on their trip as well. The heron was amazing to see as well.  Thank you for making such incredible things for us to experience here!  I loved feeling close to thee amidst thy majestic creations.  I loved being with my sister and my mom and Dad.  I loved seeing how thoroughly happy the kids were to be getting dirty and eating junk food with their cousins.  Pure joy! 

Things fell into place rather suddenly for school.  All spring and summer different things have weighed on my mind about homeschooling.  I felt so strongly that I wanted everyone home again this year.  I kept trying to plan things out and see how it would work.  Things with co-op kept changing, and Nathan really wanted to be in school, or at least in choir.  It was looking so difficult to get him down to the school and back every day while still trying to do things at home with the other kids.  I left our co-op mom's meetings feeling unsettled and upset.  A week before school started, I came to you, rather desperate, and you helped me see how public school could be a good experience for Nathan.  It lifted such a burden!  I still wish he was here, but I am so glad for the things I have learned about myself and the things I can change to help  my kids understand the whys of our lifestyle. And I've seen Brandon step up to the role of big brother so gracefully.  Of course things are just how they should be. So I thought I had everything figured out when a new opportunity presented itself to me just a couple of days before the camping trip.  How I ever managed to completely change plans for next year on the same day I packed for the trip--of course I was being supported and strengthened by thee.  Brandon will attend the scholar program and the kids will take distance learning classes from the charter school.  Amazing how all of the paperwork eventually worked out even though we were gone.  We also will be doing a different co-op.  One with fewer families and less structure.  I am sad to leave the other co-op, but so grateful to you and to them for the amazing year we had together.

You led me to some other people this summer who have helped me.  I felt a whisper when a friend mentioned reading books by the Duggar family.  It took me a few months to act on it, but I am so glad I did.  I have felt so inspired by their commitment to thee and thy word.  I loved how you helped me find answers to weak spots in my own testimony through them.  I've even read some of it to Dallin, and it has been fun to share their interesting story with him.  It has definitely got both of us thinking!  I am thankful for them and their willingness to minister to the world through their unique life.  And I'm also glad to have found a mentor in Dr. Christensen.  I have such a good feeling when we visit him, and I sense that he will be able to support us in making changes for a more healthy lifestyle.  I am excited to see how his allergy treatments work on me. 

At first the new sickness seemed like the most horrible timing in the world!  I REALLY needed to get some prep work done and get our school year started.  And it was Labor Day so we had extra time to get things done.  Dallin was excited to wrap up the sprinkler system and I was excited to make some progress on school prep.  We were disappointed, but tried so very hard to be thankful.  One night we were up with the baby and I was in pain and Dallin discouraged.  He asked what he could do to help me.  He was surprised and a bit miffed at my answer, remember?  But he soon started humming along to the only song of praise my befuddled mind could remember.  We laughed a little, and felt safer in your arms.  Of course you knew that the sickness was just what we needed.  After Dallin took care of me for a few days, his sinus problems returned.  We are taking care of each other.  I love it.  When I sobbed at the table he took me in his arms and I knew that he knew just what I was going through and I felt understood and cared for.  The kids saw that, too.

Today in Church we sang "The Lord is My Light".  I can't wait to memorize all the verses.  Because of this summer, I know better what that song means.  You are my joy, my strenghth, my song!  You do lead me along!  Thank you for this summer, Thank you for helping me learn that I do not need to fear. 

I know I might be sick tomorrow.  I wanted to start in on implementing all of the great plans I've made and put into action the wonderful things you have taught me.  But I understand. They are MY plans.  They may not be yours, at least not yet, for I have felt your guidance as I've made them.  I know they are things you want me to do.  It is easy to wonder why you won't just make me well so I can get on with it, but your plans are always better.

Thank you for being my light, my joy, my shepherd.
In thy holy name that is so precious to me, Jesus,
Amen