I Said Yes

My symptoms were not letting up this morning, so I thought it best to see a doctor and find out what was going on with my heart. 

I filled out paper after paper and then waited and waited and waited to see the doctor.  It was not pleasant.  I had had to leave the baby home with Daisy because the older kids had class and I couldn't picture the baby thing working out at the doctor.  He was not making things easy for her.  I was miserable and about ready to walk out.  The Doctor finally came in.

My brain was in such a fog I wasn't sure how to describe things.  I wondered if it was my heart or my lungs or both.  I wondered if I was going to get lectured about my weight and lack of exercise.  I told him everything I could think of and he checked everything he could think of.  Lungs sound great.  Heart sounds great.  EKG...great.  Bloodwork, normal.  Yet I sensed he was scared to give a diagnosis. 

You might have a migraine....you have a lot of the symptoms of a migraine.  I could give you some shots...

No, thank you. I said.  Is there any chance it is a sinus infection?  I've gotten sinus headaches before. 

Well....you don't really have any signs of a sinus infection, but I'm willing to try antibiotics.

I'm not fishing for a prescription, I said. 

You are just really....sleep deprived, he said.  When your brain gets that tired, it can create symptoms.  Not that they're not real, mind you...

So it is official. 

Sleep deprivation that is more that my brain could handle. 

I admit I sat in the car with my diagnosis sheet and had a little weep. 
What could I possibly do about sleep deprivation?

I drove home.  Loved on my baby. 

No, Sarajoy, that is not the reason I'm not feeling well.  (She was hoping I was pregnant--HA!  In my current mental state I might have preferred that diagnosis, actually.)

I asked Ruby to figure out some kind of dinner involving potatoes and followed my baby's cue that it was time for a nap. 

This was an eye-covered,  earplugged nap.  I was serious now.  I had a diagnosis for heaven's sake!

And every time the door opened, I said "YES!" 

I didn't even think too hard about what I was saying yes to.  There were friends over, movies being watched, treats being eaten, ipad games being played. 

When Dallin came home, I asked him, "How bad is it?  I said yes to everything."

"Not so bad", he said, "And I smell potatoes.  Would you like me to fix one for you?"

I said Yes.  


And later that evening as I started to feel better, I got a few ideas of things that I could do to say yes to myself. 

I can eat less sugar and more vegetables.

I can put this baby on a schedule, even if it means he has to cry sometimes. He may even have to sleep in his car seat at times because whenever I put him in his crib awake, he scoots on his back until his head is hitting the side.

I can pump to let myself heal and give myself a better idea of what his intake is. I know the possibility exists that we will both be happier with this arrangement. I take comfort in knowing that some babies thrive on a schedule.

And whatever comes of my efforts, I say "YES" to life.  I say yes to the laughing and loving and even the hard, hard learning.