Listening

The past few days have been really nice.  I've been trying harder to feel the Spirit in the morning, to pray more specifically, to study more intently.  And I've been making an effort to listen more often and more carefully.  Really, having the time at home without lots of outside commitments has been wonderful.  I've been getting instructions, and I've been handling the frustrations a little better. 
It is hard work.  These are things I've done before and learned from before.  Why do I so easily let them slip from my life? 
I am learning why we are admonished to watch and pray ALWAYS. 

Life is distracting.

Some of my instructions have included:

Exercise
Take time to read and rest
Make time for the kids to have quiet alone reading time
Read to the little ones
Take a friend out to lunch
Call an old neighbor (How did he get to be 90!  Over 10 years since we lived there and his sweet wife died)
Make Dallin's plate for him and take it up to our room
Read Freedom Train to the kids while they eat lunch
Take the kids to the Narnia production put on by the children's theater group
Update the 72 hour kits
Get the Tangled soundtrack for the kids
Try Piano Marvel
Check the laundry
Figure out how to have Church while we're camping this weekend


It has been a sweet, peaceful time.  I feel content with my days because I know I'm following instructions from the right voice. 

I have found that the kids are choosing to use their time wisely.  They are playing more together, reading more, helping around the house more. 

We were reminded in Stake Conference that "Mother's who know do less." 
I am seeing the fruit of that counsel, and I love it.

Thoughts on Performance

I love being a mom, and I love my kids. I do find a lot of joy in what I do. I love to be with these people and I love that they want to be with me. I'm glad that the Lord is helping me sort out all of the voices that put expectations on me so I can have more joy in serving Him through motherhood.




The other day I was talking to Dallin about Sports. We are still a little nervous about pulling the plug on all of that stuff.  (We have decided to take the kids out of all extracurricular activities for a year and focus on family time).  It was kinda hard for the kids to hear about it, but they all took it really well. Dallin was talking about how much confidence he got from playing sports, and a thought came into my mind.



The things we do (like sports and other accomplishments) should be an expression of the joy we feel because of our relationship with the Savior, which is the only true source of confidence and satisfaction.



I think when we try to get confidence and satisfaction out of our performance, it can only get us so far. That doesn't mean we quit performing. It means that when we seek the true source of confidence and satisfaction, we will feel a desire and strength to do our best because we are full of His love.

Giggles

The other day I went into our study to help my son correct his math. 

Sarajoy followed me in.  I normally don't like the little kids in there because they are so distracting, but I'm trying to teach them to be quiet in there. 

She noticed that we keep her portable crib in there, and wanted me to set it up.  She had lots of fun climbing in and out of the crib and onto our double bed that's in there.  I was sitting on the opposite side of the bed when she climbed out and ran across the bed to me and gave me a tight neck squeeze.  She gives the most amazing hugs!  I love it!  As she was hugging me, her arm was on my mouth so I blew a raspberry on it.  She turned away to walk back to the crib.

Then the hilarity of the raspberry on her arm hit.  She collapsed in a fit of giggles. 

It was one of those sweet moments of recognizing the wonderful personality emerging from a little child. 

I giggled too, and then we did it again.

At Last!

We have had such a cold, wet, snowy Spring.  We've had a teaser day now and then that would get us excited for warm weather, but we'd end up with a snowstorm that night.

Now that it is May, we just can't wait any longer!

By the time I got home from the temple this morning, the kids had raided the swimming drawer and Sarajoy was wearing Daisy's old swim suit. 
Next thing I know, the kids all have their suits on and are having a war with water guns!

I am feeling like I don't quite know what to do with myself.  Sitting and rocking my baby seemed appropriate.  The watermelon from Bountiful Baskets made a fabulous lunch.  Feeling the sunshine and breathing in the fresh air while I checked email
made my to-do list seem downright silly! 

 It's not even that warm, and there's still plenty of snow on the mountains.  But look at the blueness!

Eventually, Daisy begged her brothers to get the kiddie pool out of the shed.

Look at those cute watery footprints leading from the pool to the towel! 


Today is a day that says, "Just Enjoy!". 

So I will.

..

April Pictures

Adult Stake Dance.  It was fun to dress up and have somewhere to go!

Following President Monson's counsel we got temple pictures for our bedroom.  These are all of the temples we've been through.  We were trying to choose our favorite layout.  We settled on #2.

This handsome kid likes to steal the camera now and then...

Why did I even save this picture?  Gross!

She has always loved to take care of babies!

Goofy Girl in Daddy's car.

Easter Bunny Day!  New scooters and a trike. 

She always does this cheesy face when we take pictures of her.  Funny girl Sarajoy!

Poor doggy...

No idea.  But the view of the city offices from our house.

Much Better

Today I studied.

I slept.

And I read to my kids.

We went to the library.

We came home and read some more. 

I read stacks of books to Simon.

Sarajoy got a book about babies--her favorite!

I read chapters and chapters of Despereaux.

And we listened to a few more as we washed the dishes.

We had steamed broccoli for lunch and roasted asparagus for dinner.

The day after a meltdown can be quite refreshing!

Heavy

What right do I have to feel this way when my sister's little boy has leukemia?
Or my friend finds herself moving cross country as a single mom of two special needs kids?
Or my other friend has had a daughter unable to eat and in and out of the hospital for over a month?

What right do I have to feel this way when I have an amazing husband, lovely healthy children, a supportive extended family, a wonderful piece of property in a great ward?

I have no business feeling upset by the almost constant fight against fatigue and hormones and sickness.
Or the sense that I can only ever taste for a moment the sense that I have a grip on things.
Or that maybe I'm just not cut out to be a home school mom.
That no matter how much time and money I spend, I will never be as "prepared" or self reliant as I'd like.
That my spirit wants more children, but that my body could never handle it.
That my home is not the haven that I want my wonderful man to come home to.

I study and I pray.  I learn and listen.  I have big ideas about how tomorrow will be.
But then I wake up and clean up vomit and change diapers and spend an hour on tech support for the cell phone and it is suddenly dinner time and the babies are cranky and the house is a mess and I haven't exercised (again!) and I didn't get to read to my kids (again!) and they're behind in school and they don't even know what logic or latin are.

And the cornbread I just made "tastes weird".

And I think, " please, Jesus, come today because I just don't know if I can do this anymore!"

3 times in my Patriarchial blessing it tells me to be a "doer and not a hearer only".  Oh, how that phrase has haunted me.  How do I get the things that I learn and hear to match up with the "do"?  Why is it that I work until I'm weary every day, but I rarely feel like I've been a doer?

Perhaps it is because I keep seeking rest in my covers instead of rest in my Lord.
And because I keep trying to do things on my own (very limited) strength instead of putting on the yoke of light that is constantly offered to me.  Because it takes more humility for me to access power than knowledge, so I have an overload of knowledge (hearer) and an underload of power (doer) because I forget to ask for help and strength.

I am sorry.  I will go for a walk in the sunshine. It will dry the tears and calm the fears and energize the weary body and soul. 

And I think, "Jesus, please be with me today and give me strength and power to do all that is required for me to be ready for Thy coming."

Light.