Roots and Branches

A few times lately I've had a chance to think about lonely people.
It has given me a chance to ponder the security that family offers.
I have taken for granted the strength I get from my ancestors.
Maybe even failed to recognize the full meaning of posterity.

I've taken some time to realize that I am blessed by the eternal connection to my family.
How grateful I am for the strong roots that hold me securely to the household of God.
How fulfilling it is to see my children growing up and to imagine their children for generations.
It gives me a very secure place in the world.

Some people don't have that.  Many people, even. 
How sad that there are people left alone in the world.
I see how being left without root nor branch is a desolate situation indeed!

Mother, Father, Grandparents--Thank you for loving each other and your children for generations. 
What a gift it is to know unconditional love.
What a gift it is to have a place in the world--in eternity-- that is surrounded by that love.

My resolve is ever more firm:
I will love these little ones.
I will teach them how to love the way that I have been loved. 
There is nothing better.
There is not greater mission for me to accomplish than to make fewer lonely people in the world and to nourish those branches.

...

My Week Off

I blundered through the week after Spring Break and decided I really did need to give myself a break.
I decided to have a week of doing things that fill my tank.
I slept in each morning until the baby awoke--guilt free!
I read and prayed and studied longer than usual.
I decided to play the piano one day, and ended up at the piano for an hour and a half!  I was able to dust off the Maple Leaf Rag and make some progress on that tricky 3rd section.
(Something about having a real piano--the one I grew up playing--in my home has made my piano playing skills improve dramatically lately.  Or maybe it was the exercise of writing an arrangement to a favorite family song that helped me understand the music on a deeper level.  Whatever it was, it has been really fun! )
I still kept appointments, did laundry, and fed people. 
In fact, I realized I wasn't really doing much less than what I normally do.
I was just enjoying it more because I was choosing it instead of imposing it upon myself. 
I found that what I really needed a break from was my expectations.
As much as I am trying to be content with my current pace, I still get antsy to do more.  I know there are things getting left out that seem really important! 
I know that striving to be better is a good thing!
So I still lay the expectations on pretty heavily some days.
It seems like I've been in this "season" forever!
But the things I am getting better at are less measurable than hours slept, pounds lost, home repairs finished, yard work done, books read to kids, tasks accomplished.

How do you measure the effort it takes and the progress made
Casting of fear
Casting off pride
Being a light to others
Being content with what is allotted unto me
Being thankful in all things, including my trials
Staying calm in the face of intense emotion
Disciplining out of love instead of control
Living joyfully in spite of external circumstances?

So I am grateful to have given myself a week off from expectations and guilt.
Hopefully it will last longer than a week!

..

Give Me A (Spring) Break

I need a break.

Let's face it.  My life is a little teeny bit crazy and overwhelming. 
If I had my druthers, a break would look something like this:
One day to sleep as much as I wanted.
One day to read as much as I wanted.
One day to write as much as I wanted.
One day to pray as much as I wanted.
One day to work on projects. 
One day to read to my kids.
One day to watch movies and cuddle with my husband.
Plus no cooking and lots of chocolate.

Somehow Spring Break didn't play out quite this way, but it was magical in its own way and I wouldn't have traded it-- even for my druther week.

Dallin made all of the plans for our trip, and I was extremely grateful to not be the one in charge.
However, it made me have a hard time wanting to get ready.  I had just done 3 birthdays and was in the middle of Easter and he was at the scout pow-wow and I just wanted well, a break.
I got a blessing and managed to print off my camping checklists (so glad I made them last summer) and get the food purchased and packed.  I think I did some laundry and that was the extent of my ability for Saturday.  I used to spend at least a week getting ready for trips.  Now I can barely think about it a day or two before, and I have to FORCE myself to do it.  Sunday was Easter and fast Sunday and I wasn't about to work on packing up that day.
Dallin was hoping to leave at 9 or 10 in the morning so we could do some hikes in Arches on our way down. 
We all worked really hard on Monday and got out the door at 1pm.
We had to stop and pick up a pizza as we had planned to already be there by lunch, and we had to get gas.
We were headed out of town by 2pm.
Too late to hike by the time we got to Arches.
Set up camp while the sun sets.
Warm beef stew interrupted by multiple bathroom trips, sleeping arrangements, help with pajamas, get that fussy baby to sleep!
Wash dishes in the cold and dark.
Can't get warm--even with 2 layers of clothes, a blanket and a sleeping bag. 
Each time I am able to drift off, baby wakes and I have to get back out into the cold to nurse and comfort.
We are both kept up by babies and cold toddlers and bathroom breaks.
Big kids come to the rescue and mom and dad sleep for a couple of hours in the morning.

Beautiful Tuesday. Sunny, if a little chilly still.
Cereal and Sausage.
Warm showers and clothes changed for our visit to the Monticello Temple.
Dark clouds billow over the mountains as I finish washing breakfast dishes.
Hail begins to fall as I come out of the temple and Dallin goes in to baptize the boys.
Plans for bike ride are not looking promising.
Tent has inches of snow piled around it when we get back.
Weather looks better an hour away at Arches.
Delicate Arch hike is not intended for children under 5.
Or mothers with a powerful protective instinct that does not allow sheer cliffs and young children to be in the same field of vision.
Everyone had fun except the mother, but she put on a happy face once she was far away from the cliff.
Tent heater?  Anywhere?  Anywhere?
No.  And our daylight gone in searching stores for one.  Subway for dinner.
Pile blankets and jammies in car to warm them and carry sleepy bundles into cold sleeping bags.
We love our new tent that stayed dry.  The hinged door is genius.
A much warmer night though not much more sleep for mom.

Beautiful Wednesday.  Sunny, though cold and breezy.
Warm oatmeal.  Warm sausages. 
Bike rides around the campground.
Take down camp and try to make it to Fillmore.
Lunch time and camp still not broken.  Get all the food back out.
2:00 we are finally on our way.  Fillmore activities not looking too promising.
3:00 flat tire.
4:00 at Arches again for a potty stop.  Fillmore definitely not happening.  Try another hike?
Landscape Arch.  Definitely family friendly and so much fun!
Kids play in red sand as the sun begins to set.
A few snacks, oranges and a loaf of bread to share for dinner.
On our way home.  Fillmore will be postponed again.
Or will it?
We have everything we need.
But we don't want to set up camp again, and we have no idea where.
Can we sleep in the Van at a Wal Mart?
Can we?
It will be an adventure.
It was. 
None of us will ever forget it.

Except for Sullivan who finally settled at 4:30am.
Dallin woke and drove the final hour of the trip at 6.
The best hour of sleep I had the whole week.  All was quiet in the van and I finally had a place to lie where I could straighten my legs out.
We woke up to wide prairie with steam rising from the hot pools.
Beautiful, beautiful Thursday.  And warm!
Dug a toilet with the window scraper.
Passed out some more pieces of bread to tide everyone over.
Felt very exposed donning swim suits in the wide open.
Swam and played in the luxurious bathtub-warm water. 
The 9 of us together, enjoying ourselves for hours.
Sun warmed us as we changed clothes, brushed hair, ate cold cereal.
The Fillmore museum was a pleasant family-friendly surprise.
Kids picked souveneirs after exploring.
Warmed chili at the park on the little stove.  Delicious with fritos and lettuce.
Peaceful, warm, delicious, happy memories. 
The big tree had a belly-button.  We all laughed.
Quiet van full of tired kids on the way home.
I read to Dallin of a homeless man and a millionaire. Inspiring.
Home in time to unpack, do laundry, clean car. 
Brand makes eggs for dinner.
I was on an energy high that night after such a wonderful experience.
I am so so glad we did it.
It was truly unforgettable.

I still need a break!

Time Marches On

March is a busy month for us. 3 birthdays and Easter.
 I am in a season of life where I am daily surprised by how swiftly morning turns to evening.  It can be frustrating, overwhelming, and depressing but I am trying to turn away from those thoughts and embrace the learning, growth, gratitude and joy that meet me from moment to moment.  Learning that I get to choose "which secret garden I will tend" has been life changing for me.

Some things that March has brought to our little garden:

Dallin continues to do an awful lot with Scouting, considering he was released in November...the other leaders, our boys, and even I am glad he is still so helpful and supportive.  This month he took the boys to the merit badge pow-wow at BYU.  He and the other scout leaders planned an adult date night to a mineral hot pool in Midway.  We rode there all together in the Lundberg's RV and had a marvelous time.  Nobody minded too much that Sullivan came along, and he was a little angel.
He got the window tinting done on the van.  We will all be thankful for that come summer, and we're already thankful that people aren't always staring into our van.  You'd think they've never seen a 15 passenger full of kids before!
He worked out a way to get our water heater replaced just days after it began leaking and at an awesome price!  Thank you to our amazing handy neighbor.  Same neighbor also helped Dallin pick out and purchase a trailer for our van and his brother made and installed a hitch.  Very cool!
Dallin planned a fun family outing to Fillmore to see the Territorial State Building Museum and visit some primitive hot pots he knows about.  That one got snowed out, but we were thankful for a quiet Saturday at home.  We celebrated his birthday with tacos and Strawberry shortcake.  I made real shortcake and adapted it using sourdough.  It was amazing with fresh fruit and real whipped cream.  He got a new Camelback, the complete Kung Fu series on DVD, and our new tent just happened to come that week as well.  And we got it for about $80 cheaper than we were planning on paying for it last year!  Glad we waited!

I am still trying to figure out what hit me.  Oh yeah.  It was my 7th baby.  A year ago.
Still completely thrilled to get two hours of sleep in a row.
Still learning to have faith that the Atonement will make up for the many ways I fall short.
Still completely loving the journey, loving the fun that having two teenagers brings, loving the innocent play and chatter of my younger kids, the hugs and kisses and dimples of my baby--even at night.
Stressing a bit about each holiday as it approaches (how can I possibly add anything?), but reveling in the joy and satisfaction when I manage to pull it off. (I hope someone took pictures!)
Basking in the joy of being back with my old co-op.  They switched to Fridays so I am currently doing both co-ops and loving it.  How I need my support groups! 
Having some success with sourdough.  Still buying bread, but I can make some great sourdough bread that's not too sour, killer pizza crust, savory waffles and pancakes, muffins, biscuits, crepes...It is fun.  Walter, Martha, Mary, Adam, Annie, and now Marcos.  Each time I clean out a jar, it gets a new name.  But they are all descendants of Martha or Walter, the originals.  I've also had some great success with homemade yogurt, and that saves money and is so nutritious!
I begged Dallin into coming to a natural health crash course over 2 days at my chiropractor's house.  Lots of things to think about and try.  I have to remind myself to take one thing at a time and accept the progression and the process of learning.
I determined to hit the ward book club this month.  I read the book in one day!  It was great!  It was so fun to take a break and be with the ladies in my ward and connect on a deeper level.
So happy to be taking youth to the temple every week again!  It is making a difference for all of us!
Delighting in our south-facing flower bed that produces early tiny daffodils, crocuses, and an abundance of pink hyacinths!  And the lawn that we planted last fall is looking green and lovely!
The new laundry system works, the meal plan works, the dinner chore rotation works.  They are all sanity savers!

Nathan had a choir concert featuring his first solo.  It was O Sifuni Mungu, a song I sang in high school and a song we learned in co-op choir last year.  So fun, and such joy to see him enjoying the performance so much!  We love to hear him practice piano and we love getting to see him at all.  He is now doing soccer on top of everything else.  I was worried about it, but I think it has been a great experience for him to figure out how to prioritize and manage his time.  He has actually done a better job on his chores this month and has done a pretty good job of keeping up with piano and straight A's.  He decided on his own to miss soccer on the days we have our temple trips scheduled.  A sign of maturity, for sure.  He promises not to have a girlfriend, but admits that it is kinda hard because he's so gorgeous.  We have a lot of fun and he puts up with our teasing relatively well.  He's still working hard on his Les Miserables solos for May.

Brandon admits that going to the temple has helped him be able to handle the stress he's felt from school.  He works really hard every day and still finds time to be Simon's and Sullivan's favorite person.  We celebrated his birthday with bagels and mangoes, fun sack lunches since it was co-op day ( I actually bought little packs of chips and fruit snacks and stuff), and we went out to Winger's for dinner.  I got him a hex-bug set that the kids have all had fun with. He surprised everyone by spending his recent earnings on gifts for everyone else.  He decorated a notebook for me that we write letters to each other in.  It has been a wonderful way to ask each other questions and discuss things we normally wouldn't think about.  It has been neat to share our testimonies with each other.   He is working hard for the final speech and debate tournament next month.  He is learning his lines for his Shakespeare play.  He is a great friend, big brother, and he adds a lot of joy to our home.

Ruby wants a dog so bad she can hardly stand it.  Or a horse.  But she lovingly cares for her big white kitty and her little black kitty in the mean time.  She is so thrilled to be back with her big group of friends from our big co-op.  She's reading The Secret Garden for the book club that one of her friends started.  She is a super babysitter.  She hates division, but dutifully does her math every day.  She writes poems and draws pictures about horses and dogs and kitties.  She reads Animal Ark books to herself and Puppy Place books to Daisy.

Daisy has permanent teeth growing in at all different times.  It doesn't affect the fact that she is usually smiling and telling me something cute that one of the little kids did.  For writing she likes to make a daily list of things she'll do with the little kids.  It usually includes reading and doing workbooks with them and then lots of playing.  She loves to help out with Sullivan and he squeals when he sees her and says "Hi!" I love the fact that she wants to talk to me and checks in for a snuggle now and then. (It usually involves kissing her latest bump or bruise, poor girl).  She likes to tell me about how she is applying the things she learns in church or in our devotional.

Simon is as full of life as ever!  It is so exciting to be around him when he makes a discovery or gets a gift or surprise.  He loves to try to trick me and jokes around like he's one of the big boys.  He'll go along with whatever the girls are playing most of the time, but sometimes he is just aching for a good sword fight or lego session.  Brandon is usually good to oblige.  We've had some sunny days that have called him outside even before he gets his breakfast.  He announced that he is now a "pour-year-old", which means he is big enough to get the milk out and pour it himself.  He made my day when he walked by and said, "Mom, you look beautiful!" (I was brushing my hair).  A few minutes later he walks by and groans, "My eyes are hearts!"  When I asked him why he said, "Because you are so beautiful I can't stand it!"  He walked away singing, "Has anybody told you...that you're beautiful..."

Sarajoy seems back to normal now after several weeks without her pacifiers...whew!   There are still some times her mommy misses them.  She loves to tell me about the things she dreams about.  She'll tell me stories about when she was big and when she was small.  She likes to pretend she has a baby in her tummy and she's always willing to be the horse, puppy, or kitty in the latest game.  She truly hates being dropped off for Primary.  I've resorted to leaving her in the hall near the primary room where a member of the presidency eventually coaxes her over to color and then takes her in.  I've heard that once she is in there she fully participates and loves it, but she dreads the separation.  It is getting better.  She is enjoying the fact that Sullivan can "play" with her sometimes.  She loves to make him giggle.  She is learning to say "okay" instead of "I can't" when I give her an instruction.

Sullivan had a big month.  We celebrated his first birthday with balloons and a push-walking toy and a glow-bug type seahorse that plays gentle music.  He loves it.  He loves music and can often be heard singing and humming.  He'll even sing along with the vacuum.  He honored Dallin by surprising us with his first steps on the day after his birthday.  He honored Ruby by walking to her.  Then he surprised us even more by doing it over and over again, thrilled at his new skill and so excited to practice it.  It is just as exciting with the 7th kid as it was with the first!  And now he can get off the couch and up and down the stairs at lightning speed.  He wants to be where the kids are.  He loves to be read to, and will pick up any book and flip through the pages and talk to himself.  He is saying lots of words each day.  He is nursing less and less during the day and more and more at night.  He just doesn't want to stop to eat.  Sigh.

They are growing up before my eyes!  I know how precious this time is, and I am trying to hold it back and appreciate the season.  I feel so blessed to be able to have my kids home and with me.  It is a freedom I treasure to be able to teach my kids the things that I know are most important and to give them a lifestyle that is centered on the family and centered on Christ.  It is wonderful to be able to train them in obedience and duty and step back and watch them make good choices with their time.  It is beautiful to watch them love and enjoy one another.  I know I am swimming upstream against the tide of our materialistic, fear-driven, godless culture, but it is worth it.  I am beginning to reap results of that swim that are priceless. 

Lovely February

Sometimes life is just so full and so much that I just don't know how to begin to write about it. 

There is some incredible growth happening inside of me that is hard to describe and it makes so much to live for that there isn't much time to write.

My life is still really hard and pretty much impossible on paper.  But I really, really LOVE what I do.  I really really LOVE the power of calm.  I really really LOVE the awareness of the angels around me. 
I LOVE the people around me.

I even LOVE the work and the tears and the many frustrations that challenge me, force me to choose.
Will I choose light and God and LOVE?  Even though __________________________?
More and more I do, and I see the beauty in those horrible frustrating challenges.

I LOVE the word of God.  I have experienced a change of heart.  Things that used to be drudgery, boring, something to check off the list so I could get on to life...are different now.  I have begun to hunger and thirst after righteousness in a way I did not know was possible.  I find myself wanting to sneak downstairs to my quiet sewing room to do a little more reading or writing or praying.  I really do need it like food.  Time seems more precious, I don't want to waste moments that I could spend learning or loving. 
Am I boasting?  I hope not!  I only want to share what has happened and let people know that it is possible, even for a busy mom who grew up thinking anything "churchy" was boring. 

And it is better than anything I could have imagined, especially because I am sharing this time of learning and change with Dallin.  We didn't plan it or talk about it until we suddenly found ourselves getting  excited about the next Neal A Maxwell talk instead of the next movie.  Nerdalicious!

I LOVE the way Nathan has stood up for his standards and how hard he is working to excel in all he does.
I LOVE the way Brandon is thinking and talking about important things.  He is  also so sweet with his baby brother!
I LOVE the way Ruby is so good at keeping things running.  She reminds me of appointments, makes sure people bathe, reads to everybody, cleans without being asked.  What a GEM!
I LOVE the cute things Daisy does with her younger siblings.  How she's patient with the tooth fairy.  How she decided on her own to do 4 math pages a day.  How she tells me about everything.
I LOVE Simon's sparkly eyes and twinkly personality.  How he believes in the kissing hand and blown kisses.  How he is always moving, acting out a play in his imagination.  How magical his enthusiasm is.
I LOVE Sarajoy's chatter and snuggles.  How she makes everything into a family, even the scissors and toast and fingers.  How she loves her baby boy.  Her lispy talking voice and her sweet singing voice.
I LOVE Sullivan's speed crawl.  His call for help down the stairs.  His "Oh WOW!" approach to life.  His hugs and his way of looking at me sometimes when I talk to him and I can tell he knows what I'm talking about. 

I hope the LOVE bug has bit you this month, too! 

...

Worthwhile

The temple.
We made it to the temple!  Finally! 
We really have been praying, planning, trying...for months! 
This time we made it!
And I was calm.
I was calm about making homemade pizza for the kids to eat while we were gone.
I was calm about us being a little late so we could eat the pizza.
I was calm on the way there and walking up the hill even though it was cold.
I was a little too calm during some parts...
But I had the most lovely experience I have ever had during a session.
My choice to be calm (with obvious divine help) made what has been an ordeal, a huge sacrifice, something I mostly do out of obligation and have a very hard time sitting through, into the joy that it was meant to be.
I hope I can go again soon and enjoy it again. 
A new experience for me.

The speech and debate tournament.
Brandon made it there!  Finally!
The first one was on Daisy's baptism day.
The second one was the morning after he got stitches.
We found him a ride in the nick of time--our schedule for today was looking really impossible.
Ruby was willing to babysit if we took the baby with us.
Sullivan was intrigued by long hallways where he could crawl and crawl and chase his ball.
Dallin and I sat and watched our son "spar" with nervous agitation, uncomfortable watching argument.
We were glad it was him and not us.
We saw him shine and smile and--no headaches!
He mentioned more than once that he was having so much fun he never even picked up the book he brought to read.
He told us how inspired he was by the speeches the older students gave.
I was inspired by the teacher who has created this amazing experience for homeschooled young adults. 
I hope I can go again and watch other events or maybe be a judge.
A new experience for all of us.

The Jr. High State Honor Choir Concert
Nathan made it there!  Finally!
He tried out for it months ago.  And made it!
He has been practicing his part for weeks.
Early morning rehearsals all this week.
All day rehearsal on Friday.
Back on the bus this morning at 10:00 to Cottonwood High School in Salt Lake.
Fifteen minutes away from Brandon's tournament, we found ourselves in the auditorium just as the music started.
Sullivan was intrigued by the slippery slope of the amphitheater, determined to overcome the gravity. But he was being too noisy!
We tolerated the guest choir performances.  They were actually quite good, but not what we came to see.
We strained our eyes as the stage began to fill with 380 students.
"There he is!" We both said as we saw him file onto stage and wedge himself between two other students.
The perks of having a short child is that he is ALWAYS on the front row!
Where I could watch him, obviously focused, and determined to give his all to this very challenging program of songs selected by a master conductor.
My eyes shimmered as I rose for a well deserved standing ovation.
My mind wandered back to the many similar conferences I attended in my choir "glory-days".
They are lovely memories.
I felt joy in the connection it created with my son who is growing up and away from me.
An old experience made new for me.

Crown Burger
We made it! Finally!
This one is a little silly, of course.
We wanted to go last month when we attended the choir concert.
It was so busy and so expensive.
But this time there were just the 4 of us and we could get kid meals (there was no age limit!)
The baby slept for the ride home.
We listened to tales from the events of the day while we drove home, well treated with memories and tasty food. 
Arriving home with donuts lit up the faces of the 4 who stayed home.
They all did very well, and for such a long time!
And then a little time for family work and play before bed.
Experiences worth preserving.

Happy January!

Just because.

Because we've gotten nearly 50 inches of beautiful sparkly snow here.  It is a big fat pain, but it is pretty and wintery and just how January should be.  It is also colder than I think it has been since we moved up here.
It really makes me want to curl up with good books.

Because my baby boy is learning so much!  We are trying to ignore the fact that his birthday is 2 months away!  He can crawl, he can climb stairs, he can do patty cake and rolly rolly and throw it in the pan!  I've been teaching him the sign for "milk" since he was born, and he finally did it!  He can do twinkle.  He says "Da-da" and can't get enough of his daddy or his big brothers.  He can scan a document and turn off the computer.  He can pull up and cruise around things.  He can turn off the light.  He tries to say "light".  Today he tried to say "water".  His babbling seems so much more intentional than the other kids.  He's really trying to share what he's thinking.  He eats baby food unlike my other children. He still growls all the time, and we love it!  He can dance.
Our favorite, though, is when he sings.  Anytime he hears any kind of music, he begins to hum or coo along.  Heart melting!

Because I am learning that Christ's main purpose is to save us from our sins, not our circumstances.
Because as I have changed my prayers to reflect that knowledge, I have experienced miracles.
In the throes of being tired, sick, depressed, frustrated, or annoyed, I've found that I do not have to give up on my day.  I don't have to give in to those feelings.  I can ask for strength right now.  I can ask for peace right now.  I can ask for help to endure right now.
And it comes.  It comes right away.  Not in the hours or days or months or years or never that it takes for our situation or circumstances to change.
He wants to help me right now.
He wants to save me from the sin of leaving the light, turning away from God.
I am so glad I am learning this!  I am really learning where to turn for peace.
There have been times in my recent past where I have been so desperately frustrated by the fact that I am in over my head and I need things to change and why isn't He helping me when I need it so badly?
I sense those times are gone for good.

Because I'm reading a book with Brandon that we're both enjoying so much. 
Because Brandon and Ruby both "caught the reading bug" this week.  They wanted to go on reading past their allotted time or chapter!  You have to realize that this is a dream come true for a concerned homeschool mommy!

Because my menu plan is beginning to be useful:  I have 6 weeks of meals planned with shopping lists printed.  I have a list for the big monthly shop and lists for each week.  If I get the stuff for the whole list each month, I will be building up my food storage again.  I won't ever have to plan meals again.  We'll be eating more fruits and vegetables. I can use the same shopping list each month.  I'm still figuring out which stores to shop at and if and how to afford it.  It is still a work in progress, but it has borne some fruit this month. 

Because life is hard.
Because God is good.
Because I love them both.


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