We had to change up our birthday celebrations a bit. Years ago, we decided we were done with traditional friend birthday parties and would rather spend the money on a family activity. It has been a good tradition. Unfortunately it has gotten too expensive, and we are trying so hard to make ends meet these days that we knew we needed to scale down.
We decided we would do one present, they still get to choose the meals we have at home that day, and we will still do a family activity, but it can't cost money.
Brandon gave me a couple of ideas for his birthday present. I wasn't too keen on either of them, to be honest. He has been practicing piano songs for years, hoping to learn enough hymns that I would consider letting him learn the cello. He is pretty close, and I thought I would way rather spend the money on that and have it be a big surprise than purchase one of the other things he wanted. (A cell phone or a leather jacket) But I had seen the price tag on the cellos at the music store, and knew it was not going to be in budget. I thought maybe I would rent one for awhile, but picking up a new monthly bill was not an exciting prospect either. I started looking online and found a used cello being sold by a music teacher at a much more reasonable price. Dallin and I talked it over and decided it was a good idea, and we could use some tax return money to cover what would be over our birthday budget. My parents also agreed to go in on it as their gift to him. So I drove out and bought him a cello, and it was painful keeping that surprise for the next several days. I hid it at our neighbors so he would not suspect at all.
My parents came into town that weekend to meet my sister for some stuff at BYU. We decided to make Erin's rugby game our family activity for Brandon's birthday celebration. Knowing we'd be gone most of the day, we had presents with our breakfast of Bagels and mangos and kiwis. I had him open some cello song books for his gift. Then the kids brought the cello down, and he was so surprised and excited! It was really fun. He has been working hard to get his muscles strong enough for a good bow hold and is starting to make some sounds now. We had a wonderful day with my parents and two of my sisters and their families. We watched the Rugby game, got some pizza, and saw the premiere of a movie that my nephew is in. It was a really great day. We were all so tired when we got home that we decided to postpone the abelskiver dinner he wanted for the next day, which was actually his birthday. After church I got to work making abelskivers for the first time in my life. They are round, hollow pancake balls that you can fill with fruit and other things. We had a good variety of fruit and some delicious fresh cream from raw milk to top them with.
I guess the cello sort of gave me a theme for our other 2 birthdays. I wasn't sure what to give Sullivan for his birthday. He's been waiting for his birthday to "come up" for months, telling everyone that he is 3 already. Not till March 15th, buddy! I talked to him about presents and he told me he already got a cape and a sword and a belt (Christmas). Pretty sweet that he didn't feel the need for anything else. We have so many toys, and I didn't want to get him something just to get him something. Then I remembered how much he has been interested in Simon's violin lessons, sitting with my through them and having me use his arm for my violin. He knows all of the rhythms to the songs Simon has practiced, and will often take a couple of spoons or other toys and put them up to his chin to make a violin. I found a cute, tiny, cheap violin on the internet. I know it is not a quality instrument, but it is so cute! I had to pound the pegs pretty good with a hammer to keep the strings tuned at all, but it is perfect for him! It has a case and rosin just like Simon's and he knows just what to do. When he opened it, he said, "A little fiolin, just for me!" I need to get him a shoulder rest so he can hold it right, and then I think I can go along with the Suzuki method that Simon has learned this year. It is so cute when he gets it out to practice with Simon. When I asked about his cake, he said he wanted a green cake with strawberries on it. Sweet. I love simple. I dyed the batter green and made a big sheet cake. When Nathan got it out of the oven, he said it looked like a monster. That added to Sulley's imagination, so he said he wanted a monster cake. I used the strawberries and some marshmallows to make a monster face on it, and it turned out really cute! He was really happy with his birthday. In the morning we went to the store and he got to buy a few little toys with his ten dollars from Grandma and Grandpa M. On the way there, he said, "Mom, is my birthday up?" Yes! It finally came up! He got some army guys, a green car, and a green motorcycle. He suddenly loves the color green! I got him some balloons, too, which he carried proudly into the house. That evening our ward did a "Pie Party" since it was "Pi Day" 3-14-15. So we went to the church and tried a few kinds of pie and had a fun time with that.
Lately Dallin has been playing around with the harmonicas that we have, and he's been able to pick out a few tunes. He and Simon have tried playing together when it is their night to do piano for their after dinner job. The problem is that all of Simon's songs are written in A and the harmonica is in C. I taught Simon a couple of songs in C, but I thought it would be nice if Dallin could just play along with the songs Simon is already working on. We have had a few family jam sessions playing twinkle in C with Nathan on the ukulele, me on the piano, Ruby on the glockenspiel, Dallin on the harmonica, and Simon on the harmonica. It has given us a glimpse that the dream of our family playing music together that we have had since our kids were very little might still be a reality. It has been really fun! So I found a set of harmonicas in the most common keys for Dallin. So now he can play with Simon in A! On Dallin's birthday, we just had a fun day at home with the family. We got out in the sunshine and worked in the garden and cleaned it up so we can start planting. It was wonderful! We have had such beautiful weather lately! In the afternoon, we went to the Gem and Rock show and had a fun time. He loved his present, and we enjoyed the traditional taco dinner that night. This was a big birthday for Dallin! 40! He handled it with dignity and grace, as usual :).
It has been fun to have such a musical month. We'll have to see what the rest of the birthdays this year hold in store for us!
...
We've Given Up the Easy Life for the Good Life
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Monday, March 16, 2015
Reflections on the Second Trimester
More turmoil. My second trimester was a time of emotional cleansing.
I felt pretty good physically--still tired but not as tired as at the beginning. I picked up my old ice chewing habit. There's just something completely satisfying about it when I am pregnant! I was able to keep up with read alouds, artists and composers, and my assignments for co-op, but I was not able to keep up with our family reading and notebooking sessions. Exercise was hit and miss, mostly taking a walk around the block when I got the chance.
Emotionally, things just kept coming up. Things with parenting, friends, past pregnancy and birth experiences, the experience with the scripture challenge--I was continually processing some experience that apparently needed to be processed. But it WAS cleansing. And I was able to turn to the Lord for help and guidance. I learned important things about repentance and forgiveness and learning how to love myself and others in spite of shortcomings.
It was a busy time for me, and the weeks went quickly. It was exiting to count myself into the third trimester.
I felt pretty good physically--still tired but not as tired as at the beginning. I picked up my old ice chewing habit. There's just something completely satisfying about it when I am pregnant! I was able to keep up with read alouds, artists and composers, and my assignments for co-op, but I was not able to keep up with our family reading and notebooking sessions. Exercise was hit and miss, mostly taking a walk around the block when I got the chance.
Emotionally, things just kept coming up. Things with parenting, friends, past pregnancy and birth experiences, the experience with the scripture challenge--I was continually processing some experience that apparently needed to be processed. But it WAS cleansing. And I was able to turn to the Lord for help and guidance. I learned important things about repentance and forgiveness and learning how to love myself and others in spite of shortcomings.
It was a busy time for me, and the weeks went quickly. It was exiting to count myself into the third trimester.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
His Name
Though I have settled into an acceptance and excitement about our baby boy, it has still been different. I have longed to feel more connected to him and to know him better. I have hoped and prayed that we might learn his name soon to help with the connection and the excitement.
Dallin and I talked about names on and off. I thought of how much I liked the sound of Orion and how it is similar to my grandfather's middle name, Orien. Dallin still liked the name Franklin, and I was willing to go with it since he has been outvoted on that one before. It is not a name I love. I really wanted this baby to have a name I LOVE. We have had a few of our kids' names picked out early and there was just a wonderful feeling that the name was perfect! That is what I was hoping for. I didn't have that feeling about either of those names, but we were still thinking that it would probably be one of them since nothing else had come up.
One evening he told me how he had been thinking about how neat it would be to come upon a name that expressed some meaning for the phase of life we are in. He was reading the scriptures and was very surprised to come across a name. Most people would be surprised to know that the name comes from the scriptures. We have heard it a few times, but it has been spelled differently. He shared the story with me and read it from the scriptures. The story and meaning were perfect, but I did not love the name. We talked about it some, and I got the feeling he was unsure about the name as well, so I started looking for names more in earnest. When he saw what I was up to, he said, "anything but that, huh?" I realized that he was more serious about the name than I thought. I realized that he was done looking for a name and that I'd probably better get used to it. I got to pick Sullivan's name after all. I didn't want to make him feel bad, so I accepted it and went up to bed.
But I lay there feeling disappointed. I wanted it to be a name that had that "perfect" feeling to it. I didn't want one more thing to "get used to". Once again I found myself feeling foolish and trying to get a grip. I was trying to hide the fact that I was crying, but Dallin figured me out. I wouldn't tell him what was wrong, but he figured that out, too. He was loving and understanding and not hurt by my silliness. We had a good talk about it and felt that it was indeed the right name.
And I am getting used to it. A couple of days later I told the older kids and they were really excited. That made me feel better. Then I got the courage to say it out loud to some friends. I knew we still needed a middle name, and I was a bit stumped on that one. Dallin's grandpa's middle name is Jasper, which I think is pretty cool, but my kids insisted he would be made fun of. Plus our boys all have names from Dallin's side except Simon, and I wanted to think of a name from my side of the family. It was a bit startling to realize that there wasn't a lot to go from. Simon is named after my dad and I never knew either of my grandfathers. I still know they were good men, but it seemed strange to not know the person I was naming a child after. As I was falling asleep one night and wondering about it, I thought of my great uncle. I was very close to my dad's mom. I spent a lot of time reading with her and eventually caring for her as she got older. She has been on my mind a lot this past year. I had even thought of using her name as a middle name for a girl. Her brother was a bright spot in my childhood. I loved it when he and his wife would come for a visit. I remember how much he enjoyed us kids, and that he took us swimming at his hotel once and got right in the water and played with us! As he got older and sicker, I still enjoyed visiting his home in Burley. I always felt love from him and realized that he is as much of a grandfather figure as I ever knew. And as I dozed off that night, I remembered that he had no children of his own. I smiled thinking that he would appreciate having somebody named after him. That name was "perfect".
I found myself being more excited after that. And the meaning of the name truly is significant. Corban Royal is a special name. In the Bible, Corban is the title given to something that has been set aside for a sacred purpose, a gift to God. It is a perfect tribute to this precious phase in our lives when we are learning to work together to consecrate and dedicate our lives to the Lord. And He has blessed us so much for our efforts! Our life as a family is truly a beautiful thing. The name is also meaningful because as large as our family is, we don't feel like we "need" more children! We have opened our hearts and our home to this child because we love God and want to share our family with as many of His precious children as we can. We certainly want this baby as much as any of them, but our motives have shifted. And isn't it interesting that our first son is named Nathan? They could very likely share a birthday as well. Nathan means "given of God" or "gift from God". I think that is a pretty beautiful idea. Uncle Royal's name could have been anything, and I still would have liked it because of him. But Royal is such a meaningful name! It is a prince that I carry, and I can not wait to meet him.
...
Dallin and I talked about names on and off. I thought of how much I liked the sound of Orion and how it is similar to my grandfather's middle name, Orien. Dallin still liked the name Franklin, and I was willing to go with it since he has been outvoted on that one before. It is not a name I love. I really wanted this baby to have a name I LOVE. We have had a few of our kids' names picked out early and there was just a wonderful feeling that the name was perfect! That is what I was hoping for. I didn't have that feeling about either of those names, but we were still thinking that it would probably be one of them since nothing else had come up.
One evening he told me how he had been thinking about how neat it would be to come upon a name that expressed some meaning for the phase of life we are in. He was reading the scriptures and was very surprised to come across a name. Most people would be surprised to know that the name comes from the scriptures. We have heard it a few times, but it has been spelled differently. He shared the story with me and read it from the scriptures. The story and meaning were perfect, but I did not love the name. We talked about it some, and I got the feeling he was unsure about the name as well, so I started looking for names more in earnest. When he saw what I was up to, he said, "anything but that, huh?" I realized that he was more serious about the name than I thought. I realized that he was done looking for a name and that I'd probably better get used to it. I got to pick Sullivan's name after all. I didn't want to make him feel bad, so I accepted it and went up to bed.
But I lay there feeling disappointed. I wanted it to be a name that had that "perfect" feeling to it. I didn't want one more thing to "get used to". Once again I found myself feeling foolish and trying to get a grip. I was trying to hide the fact that I was crying, but Dallin figured me out. I wouldn't tell him what was wrong, but he figured that out, too. He was loving and understanding and not hurt by my silliness. We had a good talk about it and felt that it was indeed the right name.
And I am getting used to it. A couple of days later I told the older kids and they were really excited. That made me feel better. Then I got the courage to say it out loud to some friends. I knew we still needed a middle name, and I was a bit stumped on that one. Dallin's grandpa's middle name is Jasper, which I think is pretty cool, but my kids insisted he would be made fun of. Plus our boys all have names from Dallin's side except Simon, and I wanted to think of a name from my side of the family. It was a bit startling to realize that there wasn't a lot to go from. Simon is named after my dad and I never knew either of my grandfathers. I still know they were good men, but it seemed strange to not know the person I was naming a child after. As I was falling asleep one night and wondering about it, I thought of my great uncle. I was very close to my dad's mom. I spent a lot of time reading with her and eventually caring for her as she got older. She has been on my mind a lot this past year. I had even thought of using her name as a middle name for a girl. Her brother was a bright spot in my childhood. I loved it when he and his wife would come for a visit. I remember how much he enjoyed us kids, and that he took us swimming at his hotel once and got right in the water and played with us! As he got older and sicker, I still enjoyed visiting his home in Burley. I always felt love from him and realized that he is as much of a grandfather figure as I ever knew. And as I dozed off that night, I remembered that he had no children of his own. I smiled thinking that he would appreciate having somebody named after him. That name was "perfect".
I found myself being more excited after that. And the meaning of the name truly is significant. Corban Royal is a special name. In the Bible, Corban is the title given to something that has been set aside for a sacred purpose, a gift to God. It is a perfect tribute to this precious phase in our lives when we are learning to work together to consecrate and dedicate our lives to the Lord. And He has blessed us so much for our efforts! Our life as a family is truly a beautiful thing. The name is also meaningful because as large as our family is, we don't feel like we "need" more children! We have opened our hearts and our home to this child because we love God and want to share our family with as many of His precious children as we can. We certainly want this baby as much as any of them, but our motives have shifted. And isn't it interesting that our first son is named Nathan? They could very likely share a birthday as well. Nathan means "given of God" or "gift from God". I think that is a pretty beautiful idea. Uncle Royal's name could have been anything, and I still would have liked it because of him. But Royal is such a meaningful name! It is a prince that I carry, and I can not wait to meet him.
...
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Heights and Depths
It usually takes me about a year to read the Book of Mormon. Mid-January I was getting close to the end again when I had a prompting to accept a challenge given by one of our Relief Society teachers. She had testified several times of the meaningful experience it had been for her to take the challenge, and our bishop had recently encouraged us to redouble our commitment to the scriptures. I love reading, and I can read fast, but I have struggled to enjoy reading the scriptures in the same way that I enjoy other books. It is harder work, and it is easier for me to get distracted or fall asleep when reading scriptures. I wanted to give the scriptures the kind of time and love I give to other books I love, so I took the challenge.
It was to read the Book of Mormon 5 times in a row, quickly, highlighting a different thing in a different color each time. The focus of looking for things to highlight definitely helped it seem more exciting. I started on a Sunday and read 50 pages! Way more than I have ever read in a day. I usually read about 2 pages. I was really excited to see how quickly I could read it. I knew at that pace I could finish in 10 days, but I was not sure I could read 50 pages every day. I chose to read as much as I could, and see how I did. Round 1 was highlighting the many names and pronouns used to describe the Savior.
The next day I did not feel well. Seemed like maybe pregnancy hormones or something, I just felt off. I made an appointment with the chiropractor for the next day. When I woke the next morning still feeling blue, it felt heavy. I was completely overwhelmed with my life and felt a crushing discouragement that I would never be able to make progress on the things I wanted to change in my life, that I would always be crippled and held back by my weaknesses. After breakfast, I returned to bed and completely lost it. I felt so much darkness and confusion and despair and that Satan was personally attacking me, hating me, and gleefully mocking me in my weakness. I felt at a complete loss to withstand the darkness in my weak state. I couldn't use any of the tools I have used in the past to rise above it. I could only turn to the Savior and ask for His protection and to please help me be grateful for His love and for the experience. How grateful I was in that moment for the stories of Joseph Smith and Alma the younger and their examples. Though I thought I would cry forever, I was able to calm down a little. The darkness did not leave immediately.
I got up and cleaned up enough to head to the chiropractor. My poor kids were left wondering what on earth was going on. I didn't have a great explanation for them. "I don't feel well, I'm going to the chiropractor" was all I could offer. On the way there, with tears streaming down my face, I kept my mind on the Savior and tried to focus on gratitude. I recognized that though the feelings had not left me, I did not feel afraid. I felt His Spirit tell me that part of life here is to experience darkness, and that this depth of darkness was preparing me for a greater measure of light that He wanted to share with me. I also felt that Satan was specifically not happy about my new Book of Mormon challenge.
The tears continued through the appointment, and I was grateful to be in the care of a skilled physician as well as a kindred spirit. He didn't act in the least bit alarmed by my experience and had comforting wisdom to share.
Finally, on the way home, I felt some of the fog lift, and the tears stopped. I was worried about the kids and what I would find when I got home. They had gathered together and prayed for me as soon as I left. I imagine that their prayers were beautifully timed with the sweet answers I received from the Spirit on my way. They had quickly done their jobs and helped each other as well as cleaned the kitchen, put flowers on the table, and made me some sweet notes. I was so completely exhausted by the experience and achy from the adjustment. They were so understanding and sweet for the rest of the day and let me rest and process the experience.
A tender mercy arrived that afternoon in a quick visit from my parents and sister on their way to Arizona for a funeral. They were not here for long, but it was long enough to feel their love and concern and support.
As I pondered the experience, I felt a strong impression to share what I had learned with my kids. A few days later, I called them to my bed for our morning devotional. We sat together and shared songs and scriptures and stories, and then I told them the story of what happened. We talked about the opposition we must experience in this life in order to more fully understand joy and good things. I told them that experiencing darkness is a necessary part of life, and that we can experience it in 2 ways. We can choose to follow darkness, break the commandments, and turn away from God. There is always the option to eventually turn away from the darkness and come back to the light through the Savior's grace, but we will usually have negative consequences and regrets from our choices that they must deal with for many years. Or we can choose to do our best to follow the commandments and live in the Spirit, and then when we experience darkness, we can walk through it with our hand in the Savior's. It can be a sweet and sacred experience that prepares us for more of His light. . I'm grateful to know that when we choose darkness, because of Jesus Christ, we can turn back to the light and be cleansed and strengthened by His Grace. I am even more grateful to know that though we all have weaknesses and make mistakes, we never have to choose darkness.
..
It was to read the Book of Mormon 5 times in a row, quickly, highlighting a different thing in a different color each time. The focus of looking for things to highlight definitely helped it seem more exciting. I started on a Sunday and read 50 pages! Way more than I have ever read in a day. I usually read about 2 pages. I was really excited to see how quickly I could read it. I knew at that pace I could finish in 10 days, but I was not sure I could read 50 pages every day. I chose to read as much as I could, and see how I did. Round 1 was highlighting the many names and pronouns used to describe the Savior.
The next day I did not feel well. Seemed like maybe pregnancy hormones or something, I just felt off. I made an appointment with the chiropractor for the next day. When I woke the next morning still feeling blue, it felt heavy. I was completely overwhelmed with my life and felt a crushing discouragement that I would never be able to make progress on the things I wanted to change in my life, that I would always be crippled and held back by my weaknesses. After breakfast, I returned to bed and completely lost it. I felt so much darkness and confusion and despair and that Satan was personally attacking me, hating me, and gleefully mocking me in my weakness. I felt at a complete loss to withstand the darkness in my weak state. I couldn't use any of the tools I have used in the past to rise above it. I could only turn to the Savior and ask for His protection and to please help me be grateful for His love and for the experience. How grateful I was in that moment for the stories of Joseph Smith and Alma the younger and their examples. Though I thought I would cry forever, I was able to calm down a little. The darkness did not leave immediately.
I got up and cleaned up enough to head to the chiropractor. My poor kids were left wondering what on earth was going on. I didn't have a great explanation for them. "I don't feel well, I'm going to the chiropractor" was all I could offer. On the way there, with tears streaming down my face, I kept my mind on the Savior and tried to focus on gratitude. I recognized that though the feelings had not left me, I did not feel afraid. I felt His Spirit tell me that part of life here is to experience darkness, and that this depth of darkness was preparing me for a greater measure of light that He wanted to share with me. I also felt that Satan was specifically not happy about my new Book of Mormon challenge.
The tears continued through the appointment, and I was grateful to be in the care of a skilled physician as well as a kindred spirit. He didn't act in the least bit alarmed by my experience and had comforting wisdom to share.
Finally, on the way home, I felt some of the fog lift, and the tears stopped. I was worried about the kids and what I would find when I got home. They had gathered together and prayed for me as soon as I left. I imagine that their prayers were beautifully timed with the sweet answers I received from the Spirit on my way. They had quickly done their jobs and helped each other as well as cleaned the kitchen, put flowers on the table, and made me some sweet notes. I was so completely exhausted by the experience and achy from the adjustment. They were so understanding and sweet for the rest of the day and let me rest and process the experience.
A tender mercy arrived that afternoon in a quick visit from my parents and sister on their way to Arizona for a funeral. They were not here for long, but it was long enough to feel their love and concern and support.
As I pondered the experience, I felt a strong impression to share what I had learned with my kids. A few days later, I called them to my bed for our morning devotional. We sat together and shared songs and scriptures and stories, and then I told them the story of what happened. We talked about the opposition we must experience in this life in order to more fully understand joy and good things. I told them that experiencing darkness is a necessary part of life, and that we can experience it in 2 ways. We can choose to follow darkness, break the commandments, and turn away from God. There is always the option to eventually turn away from the darkness and come back to the light through the Savior's grace, but we will usually have negative consequences and regrets from our choices that they must deal with for many years. Or we can choose to do our best to follow the commandments and live in the Spirit, and then when we experience darkness, we can walk through it with our hand in the Savior's. It can be a sweet and sacred experience that prepares us for more of His light. . I'm grateful to know that when we choose darkness, because of Jesus Christ, we can turn back to the light and be cleansed and strengthened by His Grace. I am even more grateful to know that though we all have weaknesses and make mistakes, we never have to choose darkness.
..
Friday, February 6, 2015
Sacred Moments
Recently my Mother-in Law asked us to share what we think it means to be holy and to share a time we felt close to the Savior. We decided to use it as a family night activity. Before we mail our responses off to her, I want to record some of them.
Ruby:
I felt the Holy Ghost really strongly this summer while I was at girls' camp. It was the very last night which was the testimony meeting night and it was a very special experience for me. I felt really peaceful. I felt really happy. I felt safe. I felt loved.
Brandon:
Lately in seminary I have been learning about the plan of salvation and the three degrees or kingdoms of glory. When you wanted to know our personal definitions of holiness, I thought about what I have been learning in seminary. I thought of the requirements to get into the celestial kingdom. My definition of holiness is living the standard of the celestial kingdom. The standards that stood out to me are listed in Coctrine and Covenants 76:50-70
An experience I have had recently, has brought me closer to my Savior. This experience occurred this morning after seminary. During seminary we learned more about the celestial kingdom. When I got home I did my personal study. As I said my prayer, I reflected on all that I had learned and was overwhelmed with the Spirit. I now know that I can become better and be clean because of what my Savior did for me.
Sarajoy:
Ruby:
I felt the Holy Ghost really strongly this summer while I was at girls' camp. It was the very last night which was the testimony meeting night and it was a very special experience for me. I felt really peaceful. I felt really happy. I felt safe. I felt loved.
Brandon:
Lately in seminary I have been learning about the plan of salvation and the three degrees or kingdoms of glory. When you wanted to know our personal definitions of holiness, I thought about what I have been learning in seminary. I thought of the requirements to get into the celestial kingdom. My definition of holiness is living the standard of the celestial kingdom. The standards that stood out to me are listed in Coctrine and Covenants 76:50-70
An experience I have had recently, has brought me closer to my Savior. This experience occurred this morning after seminary. During seminary we learned more about the celestial kingdom. When I got home I did my personal study. As I said my prayer, I reflected on all that I had learned and was overwhelmed with the Spirit. I now know that I can become better and be clean because of what my Savior did for me.
Sarajoy:
Daisy:
Nathan:
A time I felt the Spirit, or in other words a place I feel the Spirit is up on my week long scout camp that I have participated with for 5 years. It's called Timberline. It's not your usual merit badge scout camp. Here we train boys for leadership and stuff like that. On the Friday night that we are up there, all the staff and the participants go up into the woods, to a spot that overlooks the entire valley. Here we all open special letters that our parents wrote us and have a private testimony meeting. It is the place I have felt the Spirit the strongest and continue to feel each year that I attend. I love it and I love the Spirit and the gospel.
Simon:
Dallin:
Last week I came home from work and Sulley was still napping on his bed. I sat down next to him and watched his breathing, and I touched him along his back and put my fingers through his hair. I was trying to gently wake him from his nap so he would go to bed on time. As I sat nearby, touching his little body, I turned on his little stuffed seahorse that plays lullabies. The peaceful music and quiet breathing reminded me of other experiences with my children that were splendid and happy. Usually these experiences are precariously brief-it seems like if you make one wrong move, the good feelings will be gone. I am learning to choose to recognize the splendid moments when they come and enjoy them while they last and accept them how they come. These moments are holy to me--I feel peace, gentleness, love, and contentment. They are momentary, and sometimes I recofnize that I felt the Holy Ghost after the moment passes, but I feel it again when I think of it again. This is what happened with Sulley. I remembered other experiences in the very moment I was feeling peaceful with Sulley and his seahorse. The Spirit rested upon me and that moment was enough; it was simple and holy.
Sarah:
What does it mean to be holy?
To be clean, to be at peace, to feel unity with God, a thinness of the veil.
The more years I live, the more I understand and experience the sacredness of motherhood. The process of the creation of life becomes ever more spiritual and holy. I am gaining a testimony of the truth that my relationship with Dallin is the closest thing to Godhood that I can experience in this life.
The sacrifice and suffering I experience as I have carried and borne my children is sacred because it is symbolic of my Savior's suffering for me that I can be "born again". And the veil is truly thin when those little ones first enter the world and begin life with our family.
There are sacred moments as a mother when I remember or recognize the divinity in my children. I know I could have these more often if I would remember to slow down and pay attention. They are so delightful!
When I feel prompted to call someone or help someone and I act, I feel an incredible joyful unity with the Lord.
When I stop and take in the miracles and beauty that abound in nature, I am filled with awe and consumed by His love.
In darkness, weariness, pain, or anguish; when I am hurt or feel empty, I know I can turn to Him in gratitude and He will fill me.
I guess the truth is, every moment of our lives is sacred. It may take more courage, discipline, or diligence to appreciate each sacred moment, but as wee choose to make the effort, we will more fully experience holiness.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Got the Blues
Not the pinks.
We all knew it was a possibility, but I don't think any of us really thought I'd come back from that ultrasound with anything but pink.
That little girl was so real to all of us. She had a name, and we were all falling in love with her. We can't help but think that she IS real. Will she get to come to us? We were surely so attached.
I went alone to the ultrasound. We had a big party planned for the announcement, but we didn't tell the kids when it would be. I left on a Monday evening with instructions to finish dinner and make a cake. It was quite a drive to get to the studio. I'm glad I was alone, because I needed that time to process my thoughts and feelings.
I tried really hard to prepare myself, but I was really shocked to hear that it was a boy. Just like that. A boy. I smiled and felt excited to see him moving around. But I also felt like, "how did HE get in there? Who is that? I don't know him." I left the studio and entered the mall, determined to find something blue to take home to surprise the kids with. I was excited, but also a little bit numb. I was not having an easy time of finding something I liked, either. Nothing I liked was in the right size. I finally found a few things and headed for home. I was pretty much in shock on the way home. I wasn't sad, was kind of excited, but mostly numb.
I was worried about the kids, though. I walked in with a big smile on my face to my family at the dinner table. I quickly set up the treasure hunt I had prepared before I left. It had lots of clues that made one think either boy or girl, so when they opened their pieces, each person thought they knew what it was until they heard what the other people had. The pieces went together to make a sort of puzzle riddle that led them to the gift box. By the time they brought up the gift box, I knew we might have some tears on our hands with the big reveal.
Nathan and Brandon saved the day. They got their blazers on and did a "Men In Blazers" impersonation. (They were some funny commentators on the World Cup that we enjoyed. They would predict games by eating "world cupcakes" before each match.) I whipped up the frosting for the cake and hid some blue coloring in it. Each of the big boys tasted the frosting and made a prediction. They were super fun and lighthearted about it, and I knew neither of them had their hearts set on a certain gender. We focused on that while the younger kids gathered around the gift box. After the countdown, the boys turned on the blender at the same moment the box was opened. The frosting turned blue... and so did the children.
Sarajoy withered into near tears when she saw the blue jammies. Daisy was disappointed but perked up because she's a good sport. Ruby didn't speak for a really long time. She and Dallin stayed in the kitchen being silent with their thoughts. I took the kids downstairs to show them the ultrasound video. That brought most spirits up, at least a bit. By bedtime, Sarajoy and Daisy were both on the excited side. None of the boys were super crushed about it, though they were all surprised. Sullivan still insists its a girl and won't give us any clues for a boy's name. Ruby and Dallin were still pretty silent.
Right about when I got the kids to bed, the numbness wore off and I started to feel the emotions of the whole experience and I broke down. I felt ashamed to care so much because I really don't! I am truly happy to welcome any little person into our family. I LOVE baby boys! I was irritated by the sense of loss I felt, but it was real. I was hoping that my little baby wasn't aware of our feelings of loss, and prayed that he would be protected from them. Because they weren't about HIM, they were about HER. I knew it would only be a short matter of time before I began to connect with him and bond with him and feel so excited! But I wasn't sure what to do with the overwhelming emotions and grief I felt. I took it to the Lord and cried it off and talked to Dallin and went to sleep, sure I'd be fine in the morning.
But I wasn't. I was still grieving, and I felt incredibly silly about the whole thing! I found myself wiping up a huge syrup mess and just sobbing, feeling completely helpless. Who could I possibly turn to for comfort in such a ridiculous situation? I prayed to know, and I thought of my midwife. Of course! She is the one to care for me right now. I was sure she would understand. I sent her a text, sharing my feelings, wondering if she had any advice so I could move on. She responded so lovingly that I already felt better. Next thing I knew, she showed up at my door! I was so happy for a hug and a quick conversation. I really just needed to voice my feelings and let them be real and understood and not judged. She understood. She did not judge. I am so thankful to have found her.
By that evening, I was excitedly searching through baby name books and websites, thrilled to have the fun job of thinking of this little boy's name. There are still little moments where I have to remind myself that it is a boy, but I feel excited. I am having fun thinking about him and getting to know him. I find it very interesting that I did not feel the baby move until after the ultrasound. It was as if I needed to know it was him before I could feel him. I immediately began feeling all kinds of movement once I knew it was a boy. And it is so fun!
Baby Boy, know that you are loved and wanted! We are so excited that we can hardly stand to wait another 20 weeks to have you in our arms! We are happy that you chose us, and happy that we chose to take this grand adventure of sacrifice once again because we know it will be worth it to know you! We hope you understand our moments of confusion and loss and feel our love for you grow as we get to know you and prepare to welcome you. We are anxious to know your name!
It has taken me a few weeks to be able to write this post because I was so surprised by my feelings. I want to protect him as well, but I think it was an important and deep experience for our whole family and needs to be recorded. I can record it now with a smile and a pat on my belly where a little boy is wiggling around, reminding me he is coming.
It certainly leaves some unanswerable questions about that little girl, but we need to let that be while we embrace the experience of adjusting to this little man we have opened our home, and yes, our hearts to.
..
We all knew it was a possibility, but I don't think any of us really thought I'd come back from that ultrasound with anything but pink.
That little girl was so real to all of us. She had a name, and we were all falling in love with her. We can't help but think that she IS real. Will she get to come to us? We were surely so attached.
I went alone to the ultrasound. We had a big party planned for the announcement, but we didn't tell the kids when it would be. I left on a Monday evening with instructions to finish dinner and make a cake. It was quite a drive to get to the studio. I'm glad I was alone, because I needed that time to process my thoughts and feelings.
I tried really hard to prepare myself, but I was really shocked to hear that it was a boy. Just like that. A boy. I smiled and felt excited to see him moving around. But I also felt like, "how did HE get in there? Who is that? I don't know him." I left the studio and entered the mall, determined to find something blue to take home to surprise the kids with. I was excited, but also a little bit numb. I was not having an easy time of finding something I liked, either. Nothing I liked was in the right size. I finally found a few things and headed for home. I was pretty much in shock on the way home. I wasn't sad, was kind of excited, but mostly numb.
I was worried about the kids, though. I walked in with a big smile on my face to my family at the dinner table. I quickly set up the treasure hunt I had prepared before I left. It had lots of clues that made one think either boy or girl, so when they opened their pieces, each person thought they knew what it was until they heard what the other people had. The pieces went together to make a sort of puzzle riddle that led them to the gift box. By the time they brought up the gift box, I knew we might have some tears on our hands with the big reveal.
Nathan and Brandon saved the day. They got their blazers on and did a "Men In Blazers" impersonation. (They were some funny commentators on the World Cup that we enjoyed. They would predict games by eating "world cupcakes" before each match.) I whipped up the frosting for the cake and hid some blue coloring in it. Each of the big boys tasted the frosting and made a prediction. They were super fun and lighthearted about it, and I knew neither of them had their hearts set on a certain gender. We focused on that while the younger kids gathered around the gift box. After the countdown, the boys turned on the blender at the same moment the box was opened. The frosting turned blue... and so did the children.
Sarajoy withered into near tears when she saw the blue jammies. Daisy was disappointed but perked up because she's a good sport. Ruby didn't speak for a really long time. She and Dallin stayed in the kitchen being silent with their thoughts. I took the kids downstairs to show them the ultrasound video. That brought most spirits up, at least a bit. By bedtime, Sarajoy and Daisy were both on the excited side. None of the boys were super crushed about it, though they were all surprised. Sullivan still insists its a girl and won't give us any clues for a boy's name. Ruby and Dallin were still pretty silent.
Right about when I got the kids to bed, the numbness wore off and I started to feel the emotions of the whole experience and I broke down. I felt ashamed to care so much because I really don't! I am truly happy to welcome any little person into our family. I LOVE baby boys! I was irritated by the sense of loss I felt, but it was real. I was hoping that my little baby wasn't aware of our feelings of loss, and prayed that he would be protected from them. Because they weren't about HIM, they were about HER. I knew it would only be a short matter of time before I began to connect with him and bond with him and feel so excited! But I wasn't sure what to do with the overwhelming emotions and grief I felt. I took it to the Lord and cried it off and talked to Dallin and went to sleep, sure I'd be fine in the morning.
But I wasn't. I was still grieving, and I felt incredibly silly about the whole thing! I found myself wiping up a huge syrup mess and just sobbing, feeling completely helpless. Who could I possibly turn to for comfort in such a ridiculous situation? I prayed to know, and I thought of my midwife. Of course! She is the one to care for me right now. I was sure she would understand. I sent her a text, sharing my feelings, wondering if she had any advice so I could move on. She responded so lovingly that I already felt better. Next thing I knew, she showed up at my door! I was so happy for a hug and a quick conversation. I really just needed to voice my feelings and let them be real and understood and not judged. She understood. She did not judge. I am so thankful to have found her.
By that evening, I was excitedly searching through baby name books and websites, thrilled to have the fun job of thinking of this little boy's name. There are still little moments where I have to remind myself that it is a boy, but I feel excited. I am having fun thinking about him and getting to know him. I find it very interesting that I did not feel the baby move until after the ultrasound. It was as if I needed to know it was him before I could feel him. I immediately began feeling all kinds of movement once I knew it was a boy. And it is so fun!
Baby Boy, know that you are loved and wanted! We are so excited that we can hardly stand to wait another 20 weeks to have you in our arms! We are happy that you chose us, and happy that we chose to take this grand adventure of sacrifice once again because we know it will be worth it to know you! We hope you understand our moments of confusion and loss and feel our love for you grow as we get to know you and prepare to welcome you. We are anxious to know your name!
It has taken me a few weeks to be able to write this post because I was so surprised by my feelings. I want to protect him as well, but I think it was an important and deep experience for our whole family and needs to be recorded. I can record it now with a smile and a pat on my belly where a little boy is wiggling around, reminding me he is coming.
It certainly leaves some unanswerable questions about that little girl, but we need to let that be while we embrace the experience of adjusting to this little man we have opened our home, and yes, our hearts to.
..
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
2014 Booklist
I'm finally getting this list complied, (it's May) and I'm sure I've forgotten some things. Hopefully I'll keep better track next year!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)