Lights

I am not recovering from cancer surgery that removed my leg like my friend J.
I am not recovering from skin cancer surgery while dealing with arthritis and my husband's brain injury like my friend S.
I did not get hit by a car while riding my motorcycle like my brother S.
I did not recently lose a sibling like my friends J and A.
I am not trying to keep my house, run the family business, milk the cow, and chase 1 year old twins around while my husband works out of town for weeks and weeks like my friend J.

I only got a puncture wound from a pair of scissors while gardening.  But it hurt so badly that for awhile I would have given up my finger to have the pain go away.  And then I had to get the tetanus shot.  And maybe my immune system couldn't handle it, because the next day I woke up with a nasty cold and laryngitis.  And my babies are sick too, so I don't get to sleep. 
So I find myself today being dragged back into that awful pit of darkness.  That place where I struggled for so many months.  I was only just in the last month beginning to feel human again.  I thought it was behind me, and I was beginning to wonder what all the fuss was about.  I was beginning to forget. 
I've felt myself slipping the last few days and remembering and fearing.  I've taken vitamins and pills and begged the doctor for antibiotics.  Make this sickness go away fast!
Please, don't make me go back there!  It was feeling so good to be productive again. 
But today I walked in pain and darkness.  The smallest request or need from my children seemed like it would drain me completely.  Hopeless.

During scripture time, Dallin read about Samuel's prophecy.  He mentioned the 3 days of darkness when Jesus died, and then the Savior coming to the people.  He brought light.  Dallin testified that Jesus is the light that can bring us out of darkness and depression and sin. 

Dallin knew that I was not feeling well, but he had no idea of the emotional turmoil I had experienced today. 

I thought about what he said, and I wondered what light could lift me who was almost beyond wanting to be uplifted. 

I thought about my day and little fireflies began to rise and dance about me.

Sarajoy giggled when I taught her the sign for milk.

Lena came this morning and we got to laugh and chat while we drew smiley faces on shirts for day camp.

Dallin brought me a plate of fudge from work at lunch.

I got to play frog math with Daisy.

I got to take some tulle to my friend whose daughter is into ballet and wanting a tutu so badly.

The dog food that has been sitting in our garage for 18months since we gave up Ginger finally got put to some use.  I got to see my friend's dog Jasmine's 7 roly poly puppies gobble up their first solid food.  Delightful.

My boys cheerfully made dinner while I rested on the couch. 

Ruby gave me half of her candy bar that she earned in piano class today.  She also made me a paper dog with a glitter collar. 

The CMA at the doctor's office was a returned missionary who was making such an effort to be friendly.

When I came home from the doctor, there was a house full of kids excited to see me.

Simon's eyes sparkled while I was changing his diaper.

When Dallin went to replace the disposal, he discovered that the one we have works just fine.  We saved $100 by returning the new disposal.   

I have a place here where I can pour out my heart, stand back, take a deep breath, pray for my friends,
and smile.


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