Little Mommy

My mom started tending Taelor when she was 3 months old.  It was like the best Christmas present, ever.  I took care of that girl every chance I got, working summers and weekends as a babysitter.  There were times I would have rather gone out with my friends, but for the most part I felt really important and happy with the arrangements. 

And I guess up until then I'd had my Grandma Porter to take care of.  She wasn't a baby, but it gave me that same kind of feeling.  If I remember right, she died that same year we took Taelor in.

Taelor kept me busy and contented until July 14, 1994 when I became an aunt.  I was pretty upset that I missed the whole thing cause I was at girls' camp.  But I spent a week now and then with them to help tend Tanner, and I knew I'd always have a special love for that little guy.  Too bad they moved down to Vegas before he even turned two.

Luckily, Jared had already been born and Kenzie was already on the way.  My sister Kim and I had always had a special relationship and they lived right in town, so it was almost as good as having my own baby.  Kenzie was tiny, the first baby I'd ever had the privilege of cuddling while I slept.  I'd sleep with her out on the fuzzy green couch so my sister could rest, then I'd take Kenzie in to be nursed.  I ended up traveling with them to Chile when Kenzie was 6 weeks old to be her nanny.  I was so proud of that girl, and proud of myself for knowing how to take care of her so well.  I slept by her there, too.  All in one big makeshift double bed with me, Kenzie, Kim and Kevin.  I knew that baby wardrobe inside and out, and took great pleasure in keeping her dressed head to toe.  I was really happy to leave the awkward situation of being an 18 year old living in a foreign country with my brother-in-law I'd barely known for a year, but I hated to leave that baby girl.  I hated that when I saw her again she'd be 9 months old. 

Kenzie and Jared and the kids at the daycare where I worked kept my mothering instinct satisfied until Brenna was born a few months before my own first baby.  We realized the other day that I remember things about Brenna as a baby that her mom can't remember.

All these thoughts have come to my mind the past several weeks as I've thought about my Ruby. 

Some well-meaning people think she should be in school. 

I say she is.

I sense that she has that feeling of importance and ownership in Sullivan's care that I got from my early mothering experiences. 
She's also really great with Simon and Sarajoy. 

I can't stand the implication that she's being robbed of her childhood or worse, being forced to slave away for me.

She chose to be here, and she is content. Neither of us will ever forget this special time that we've shared together.
Homeschooling is already like swimming upstream without having to second-guess every choice we make.   
We don't need your worry, but  we welcome your support.
Crave it, even.
Maybe you just don't know. You only know your experiences.
My heart hurts for you that they were so hard.
These our ours, and they are beautiful. They could be yours if you choose.

If people are worried that she's overburdened like I keep her around as some kind of house-servant, they can stop worrying. 

She is learning.

She is growing.

She is amazing us all with her love.

She is free to do as she chooses here, and she would rather fold a basket of cute baby clothes than have me do it.  (That is actually one of my favorite chores, too.)  She likes to help Sarajoy get dressed and play on the computer with Simon.  She has even helped him type up a story he told.  She's pretty content to sit and hold Sullivan and at least wants a shot at calming him down before she gives him to me. 

She does her math and spelling and piano and stuff--I've never really worried about her there.  She has the drive and ambition to keep up with that whether in public school or not.  But she has chosen to take advantage of a special opportunity to learn some more important things. 
Not even so much the cooking and changing of diapers and making pig-tails--though she'll most likely be glad for those skills in the future--its the lessons on love and service and family that she's getting that are hard to bake up in an institution. 

I know she'll always have a special bond with Sullivan that the other siblings won't.  Some things just require the hours put in that my other kids don't have right now.  There's a reason she's the only child who wanted a picture of just her and Sullivan on his blessing day.  Its the same reason that she knows his wardrobe inside-out and is eager to master cloth diapering.  She'll do her math because she believes me when I say it is important, but she's smart enough to know that its more important to enjoy having him close by in his bouncy seat.  She's the one who knows how it feels to put a fussing baby in a sling and have him fall blissfully asleep against her chest. 

So really, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to ponder about this situation and wonder and doubt and come back to the feeling that this experience is precious.

It is precious to me.

And I think I can safely say it is precious to her.