I really can handle it..

But I want to say I can't.

Baby boy is having such a hard time with congestion.  I feel worried laying him down at all, and if I do set him down he is soon fussing again.  I tried pumping and bottle feeding him today, hoping it would make things easier on him and give me an idea if he's getting enough.  It didn't really help much. 

I had to go to the dentist today.  Nathan gave  him a bottle while they cleaned my teeth.

I am so tired, and Dallin came home early, but with just enough time to grab my two oldest and head to an overnighter with the Scouts. 

Every time I put this boy down for a minute my lap is instantly taken over by Sarajoy and about 4 blankies. 

I want to say, "I can't handle this!  I need to not be touched for 5 minutes!"

I don't want her drinking out of my cup and sticking her grubby hands in for a piece of ice.  I don't want her leaning over my plate of long-waited for food to steal my next bite.  I don't want her feet rubbing my arm while I try to type and nurse at the same time.

But I really can handle it, and I should because she's potty training and probably feeling a little insecure about that besides being recently displaced by the baby. 

And I really haven't been able to snuggle her much at all since he was born.

Eventually I will be able to eat and sleep.

And I'll sleep easier knowing that I handled it.

Creative Juices

I am confident that one of the reasons this particular new baby transition has been so wonderful for me is that I am in a habit of writing. 
So much healing has taken place as I have been able to write and read and ponder the powerful experiences I'm having. 
Writing keeps those experiences from consuming me. 
It is also a creative outlet.

Sullivan is 6 weeks old today. 
I think there are some expectations there. 
Like the babymoon is over.
I'll see my midwife and assistant tonight for that very last checkup. 
It is bittersweet, for sure. 

I'm so grateful to be able to look forward to it and be content with where I am and content with moving on. 

This week Sullivan has begun to slip into a bit of a schedule.  Eat.  Play.  Sleep.
He has been content enough that he's only needed me for the Eat part.  After I feed him, he'll lie on my bed or in his bouncy seat and smile and coo and wiggle.  Sometimes he falls asleep right there, but usually he'll start to fuss and I'll wrap him up and put him in his crib for a nap.  It has really given me some time. 

Maybe I should have used the time for housework or planning homeschool or working in my yard.  There are just so many undone things around here. 

But instead, I've been sewing. (giggle)

With my midwife appointment coming up, I wanted to make something for the assistant who is expecting her first baby in June.  She doesn't know what she's having, so I was trying to think of a gender-neutral project that wouldn't seem so gender-neutral.  I can tell she's a natural kind of gal.  I don't know her really well, but I picture her wanting to keep things simple.  Thinking of her reminded me of a series Dallin and I have been watching.  Lark Rise to Candleford takes place in the English countryside during late 1800's.  The babies all wore the same thing:  a muslin dress and a bonnet.  The gears started turning, and I suddenly had the idea of a woven cotton baby gown that will keep baby cool yet protected during summer.  I found a really pretty fabric in my stash that would work for a girl, so I made one for my friend who just had a baby girl.  It turned out so cute, and I wish I'd taken a picture.  I had the stuff to make a baby towel, too, so I made that as well and gave them to her at a cloth diapering event we went to together. 
But for Liz's surprise baby, I needed to stay neutral so I looked at my white/offwhite collection.  I was hoping to find some muslin, but I didn't have any.  I had a few options, but I kept coming back to an old sheet I pulled out.  I use old sheets to practice on when I invent patterns, etc.  I never imagined I'd make  a baby gift out of one.  But this one was sooo soft.  And I had a feeling the recycling idea would appeal to her as well. 
It turned out so well I'm having the tinyest bit of a hard time giving it away.  Now that I've got the story and pictures written down, that will be taken care of. :)
The cloth diapering event got my creative juices flowing as well, and I decided its time to make some wipes that actually fit in a wipes container.  Just a matter of cutting and serging fabric I already had.  I got to thinking that Liz will probably want to cloth diaper and with Sarajoy potty training I have way more diapers than I need.  I decided to throw some cloth diapering stuff in with the gown.  She'll be getting some diapers and I made her some wipes and a cute waterproof wet wipe bag that she can keep in her diaper bag.

Sullivan's schedule was thrown off a bit because he's having a lot of congestion.  We've had hot windy days with windows open, and it seems to be causing him some post-nasal drip.  I haven't minded at all, keeping him close to me in the sling and having time to let my creative juices flow here instead!

Drinking From the Reservior

A couple of months ago my friend shared a scripture journaling idea she found online.  It was intriguing to me as it has you organize by topic to make your journaling more useful for the future. 
It was at about the same time that I was feeling inspired to read the personal revelation journal that I got from my Relief Society and began using in December 2010. 
I decided to combine experiences by actually organizing the things I'd already written into a new, organized format.  That way if I am asked to give a talk or a lesson, I'll have a quick way to find personal experiences that I can reference. 

It has been a great experience.  I am amazed at how so many of the things are just the thing I needed to read, remember, or practice that day. 

I am also amazed at how much studying I was able to do in that season.  It slowly decreased as I became pregnant and now is very minimal as I am constantly interrupted. 

It is not the first time I have had a season of abundant study, but it is the first time I seriously wrote about it.  I have no idea where the things I wrote down from other years of study are. 

Reading these journals as a part of my daily study right now is easy and quick, yet powerful.  What a treasure those experiences and insights are that I would surely have forgotten had I not written them down and then read them now. 

A couple of years ago, we had a quote on our fridge from one of the general authorities telling us we needed to have reserviors to draw from in difficult times.  It specifically mentioned spiritual reservoirs.  At that time, I was running on fumes and felt irritated by the idea there was one more thing I wasn't doing. 

I realized today that that was not a season to be filling a reservior, it was the season to drink from a reservior.
But I didn't have one to drink from.  I hadn't properly sought out and recorded the spiritual experiences I would need for that particular tough time.   

I am so thankful to be having a different experience now.  I know I am not in a season of filling reserviors right now.  I just don't have that kind of time.  But I can dip my cup each day and basically have the same reward that all of that original hard work produced without the hard work part.  Some days, I think I am getting even more from it than I originally did because my experiences since then have given me additional insight or wisdom.

Experiences like this fill me with such wonder and gratitude.  I feel so cared for by the Lord that He helped me prepare for this season.  I had no idea at the time that I would even have another baby.  I thought that the study that I was doing was purely what I needed for those days.  I never imagined how it would be blessing these days. 

I look forward to a season in the future where I will be able to study like that.  It really is wonderful. 

I'm so grateful that instead of feeling overwhelmed that I am not there, I can feel so content to be here, drinking deeply.


...

Little Mommy

My mom started tending Taelor when she was 3 months old.  It was like the best Christmas present, ever.  I took care of that girl every chance I got, working summers and weekends as a babysitter.  There were times I would have rather gone out with my friends, but for the most part I felt really important and happy with the arrangements. 

And I guess up until then I'd had my Grandma Porter to take care of.  She wasn't a baby, but it gave me that same kind of feeling.  If I remember right, she died that same year we took Taelor in.

Taelor kept me busy and contented until July 14, 1994 when I became an aunt.  I was pretty upset that I missed the whole thing cause I was at girls' camp.  But I spent a week now and then with them to help tend Tanner, and I knew I'd always have a special love for that little guy.  Too bad they moved down to Vegas before he even turned two.

Luckily, Jared had already been born and Kenzie was already on the way.  My sister Kim and I had always had a special relationship and they lived right in town, so it was almost as good as having my own baby.  Kenzie was tiny, the first baby I'd ever had the privilege of cuddling while I slept.  I'd sleep with her out on the fuzzy green couch so my sister could rest, then I'd take Kenzie in to be nursed.  I ended up traveling with them to Chile when Kenzie was 6 weeks old to be her nanny.  I was so proud of that girl, and proud of myself for knowing how to take care of her so well.  I slept by her there, too.  All in one big makeshift double bed with me, Kenzie, Kim and Kevin.  I knew that baby wardrobe inside and out, and took great pleasure in keeping her dressed head to toe.  I was really happy to leave the awkward situation of being an 18 year old living in a foreign country with my brother-in-law I'd barely known for a year, but I hated to leave that baby girl.  I hated that when I saw her again she'd be 9 months old. 

Kenzie and Jared and the kids at the daycare where I worked kept my mothering instinct satisfied until Brenna was born a few months before my own first baby.  We realized the other day that I remember things about Brenna as a baby that her mom can't remember.

All these thoughts have come to my mind the past several weeks as I've thought about my Ruby. 

Some well-meaning people think she should be in school. 

I say she is.

I sense that she has that feeling of importance and ownership in Sullivan's care that I got from my early mothering experiences. 
She's also really great with Simon and Sarajoy. 

I can't stand the implication that she's being robbed of her childhood or worse, being forced to slave away for me.

She chose to be here, and she is content. Neither of us will ever forget this special time that we've shared together.
Homeschooling is already like swimming upstream without having to second-guess every choice we make.   
We don't need your worry, but  we welcome your support.
Crave it, even.
Maybe you just don't know. You only know your experiences.
My heart hurts for you that they were so hard.
These our ours, and they are beautiful. They could be yours if you choose.

If people are worried that she's overburdened like I keep her around as some kind of house-servant, they can stop worrying. 

She is learning.

She is growing.

She is amazing us all with her love.

She is free to do as she chooses here, and she would rather fold a basket of cute baby clothes than have me do it.  (That is actually one of my favorite chores, too.)  She likes to help Sarajoy get dressed and play on the computer with Simon.  She has even helped him type up a story he told.  She's pretty content to sit and hold Sullivan and at least wants a shot at calming him down before she gives him to me. 

She does her math and spelling and piano and stuff--I've never really worried about her there.  She has the drive and ambition to keep up with that whether in public school or not.  But she has chosen to take advantage of a special opportunity to learn some more important things. 
Not even so much the cooking and changing of diapers and making pig-tails--though she'll most likely be glad for those skills in the future--its the lessons on love and service and family that she's getting that are hard to bake up in an institution. 

I know she'll always have a special bond with Sullivan that the other siblings won't.  Some things just require the hours put in that my other kids don't have right now.  There's a reason she's the only child who wanted a picture of just her and Sullivan on his blessing day.  Its the same reason that she knows his wardrobe inside-out and is eager to master cloth diapering.  She'll do her math because she believes me when I say it is important, but she's smart enough to know that its more important to enjoy having him close by in his bouncy seat.  She's the one who knows how it feels to put a fussing baby in a sling and have him fall blissfully asleep against her chest. 

So really, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to ponder about this situation and wonder and doubt and come back to the feeling that this experience is precious.

It is precious to me.

And I think I can safely say it is precious to her.

Curious

A few months ago, Simon told me he wanted to take his sword up to heaven and kill the people who killed Jesus.  He has also said this about Satan, but I've mostly just told him that Heavenly Father and Jesus can take care of themselves (though I'm sure they appreciated that Simon's got their back!).

Sometimes Simon is too tired to say his prayers.  I've told him that he should anyway, that it is a way to show Jesus how much we love him.  The other day he was being pretty grumpy about it.  I told him that Jesus wants him to say prayers, but Satan wants him not to say prayers. 

His response?

"Mom, I'm going to kill Satan"

Me: "You can't kill Satan.  He doesn't have a body because he didn't choose Jesus. "

Simon: "But we choose Jesus."

This morning:

"Mom, does Satan burn his toast all the way?

I just couldn't think of a response.

To Ruby at lunch:  "Does Satan have a mom?"

Ruby, very puzzled, "I don't know."

Simon: "Satan doesn't have a body cause he didn't choose Jesus."

He is such a thinker!  I need to remember to give him other topics to mull over!

Another Giant Leap

I feel like I am standing at the threshold of a new life.
I have to wonder if I am ready for it.
The beautiful Spring weather that we have experienced lends excitement.
But how will I be able to begin adding back the responsibilities that have been neglected these past months?

Today my baby boy is one month old.

Today he was blessed by his daddy.
A powerful reminder of how blessed we are to have this precious little person in our lives.
He was full of dimpled smiles and coos today.
He spent most of the day sleeping peacefully in arms of parents and grandparents.
He even nursed peacefully today, which is rare.  My more than ample milk supply usually leads to a lot of frustration for both of us.  But today it was different, and I am thankful.

Today is the end of Spring Break.

Holidays seem to be sneaking up on me lately.  We didn't really have a plan for Spring Break. 
I didn't even have a plan for Easter.
Dallin and I did last-minute shopping on Friday evening so the kids could get their baskets on Saturday.
It took a long, long time.
We decided we wanted to outfit everyone with bike gear so we could do family bike rides. 
5 new bikes, lots of helmets, and lots of no-flat tires to replace the ones that we're sure will be full of bullheads before we know it. 
I had had Sullivan in the sling for most of the trip.  He loves it, but it is hard on my body that is still trying to recover from pregnancy.
I sat down while my husband checked out.  The checker called for someone to help us get all of those bikes outside.
A man and his teenage son stepped in to help the store clerk who answered the call.
As we were walking to the car, I began to feel nervous.  I knew it would be a trick to get 5 bikes in our mini van.  I knew we could figure out a way to do it, but I wasn't sure I wanted an audience.  I was rather embarassed as they all stood looking at the small amount of space we had available.  They managed to get 3 bikes in.  They were waiting for us to make a decision.  Would we drive the 25 minutes home and come back for the other two bikes.  I was so exhausted and the baby was fussing, and I just couldn't fathom coming back.  I knew we could buy some cables to strap them to the top of the car or buy tools to disassemble them and make them fit, but I was busy in the front seat with the baby. 
Suddenly the man got on his cell phone, and before we knew it he was loading the extra bikes into HIS car!  He was taking on our burden of time and gas and we didn't know him.  He was just a good guy who saw a need and stepped up to meet it.  When we arrived at home, we tried to compensate him but he refused.  His wife informed us that he'd been grouchy that day and needed to do something good.  God bless them!
We had our fun Bunny-Day celebrations.  I filled the new helmets with grass and eggs and candy.  Our ward did an egg hunt.  We assembled trailers and tried out new bikes.  Then we packed up for our trip.
For several months now, I've been thinking that the perfect getaway would be to stay home with Dallin while the kids were elsewhere.  I have no desire to travel or go spend time in a hotel when I have so much I want to do at home that I never get to.  And I like my own bed. 
As Spring Break approached, a plan began to form in my mind:  If we took the kids to Idaho at the beginning of the break, my parents might be able to bring them back for the blessing.
It was, after all, my birthday.  This was my one birthday wish.  My parents were willing, and so was Dallin.
We spent a few lovely days including Easter Sunday with my family.  Tuesday night, we grabbed Sullivan and drove away.  There were a few moments where I felt the tears rising as I said goodbye and gave instructions to my kids. 
And our lovely "staycation" started.  We spent hours and hours having important conversations without interruption.  We went out to eat once every day.  We ran a few errands.  I did laundry and took care of my baby.  We watched a few episodes of  "Lark Rise to Candleford", a lovely BBC miniseries that I fell in love with during the last weeks of pregnancy.
We didn't get nearly as much done as I thought we would.  Caring for this baby takes up so much time.  So does living moment to moment and enjoying one another.
Being at home made me miss the kids more than I would elsewhere, but it was a healthy kind of missing.  I knew they were happy and we'd all be happy to see each other in a few days.  I did get emotional when the day came and I held my baby girl again.  She just wanted to be sure I still had the baby boy with me! 
Having that 4 day break from them gave me time to think of each of them and renew my desire to give them my time. 
Today is the kind of day that it is easy to rush.  I got a little wound up getting ready for church, but I did my best to be present and helpful to my kids.  I want to try harder to understand them instead of just correcting behavior.  After church, Simon and Sarajoy followed me to my room.  I knew there were guests in my kitchen waiting for our luncheon to start, but I chose not to rush. 
I took a moment to kiss Sarajoy's cute little back as I changed her out of her church clothes. 
We sang the sharing song as she shared a piece of candy from her basket with Simon.
We marvelled together at our sweet baby boy in his blessing outfit.
Then we went down and ate and enjoyed our family.  It was a small crowd with both sets of grandparents, Dallin's brother, and my sister who drove alone for 3 hours with her 6 kids just to spend a few hours here and drive back.  Having them here made the day so special for all of us!
I was so desperately in need of rest when our guests left after a lovely luncheon and visit.
But as soon as I crawled into bed, the kids started trickling into my room. 
Simon was eager to climb on and play with his daddy.
Brandon was curious to see the bits of the miniseries I was sharing with Dallin.  Then he sat by me and held the baby and asked questions about blessings.
Daisy came in remembering she was only a few Bob Books shy of her goal of reading all 50.  She brought the basket up, only to find it completely mixed up and out of order. 
Ruby came in to reorganize it while Daisy read a few other books to me instead.
Sarajoy was already in bed after a fun and napless day playing with her "fend" Merin.
I was kind of sad that Nathan never came up.  He is so independent these days.
Then it was bedtime for the little ones and Dallin went on a short bike ride with the older kids.
Then we had our family meeting.
And now it is nearly 10:00 and I have not rested and my body aches and my head aches and I wonder how I will ever survive this coming week, this coming season of my life?
I know I will struggle, but I hope I can manage to capture joy and slow down and live moments now and then.  I hope I can stay close to the Spirit and use this time for growth.
There are so many people in my life that it is worth doing it for.
Love really does make it all worth it.

Oh Yeah, Now I Remember

It is probably a tender mercy that women forget many of the things involved when bringing a new baby into the world.

It seems to only take a few nights of good sleep and all I can think of is an adorable pink or blue bundle that smells wonderful and has lots of cute stuff. 
Okay, I actually think of a pink AND blue bundle because I have this crazy wish of having girl/boy twins.  That wish only disappears for a few months when I actually have one newborn to care for and I can't imagine what it would be like to have two. 

Dads don't forget as well, so it takes some convincing to get them to embark on the adventure yet again.

And then the remembering starts.

Oh yeah, THIS is what morning sickness feels like.

I'd forgotten just HOW tired a pregnant person can feel.

And there's just no description for the intensity of those hard labor contractions. 
But I think the memory of them is the first to fade.

Now that he's here, there is a whole new set of things to remember.

Like how pregnancy fatigue pales in comparison to new baby fatigue. 

How having a new baby makes all of your children seem new again.  The love that it evokes brings on the difficulty of recognizing and yearning to fill everyone's needs but not being able to because taking care of yourself and baby takes all of your time for several weeks.

Or how heartbreaking it is to hear that fresh little cry go on and on and on and not know how to help it.

How scary it is to face the unknown of another lonely night. 

And the milk that just comes and comes and makes poor baby feel like he's drinking from a hydrant.

The emotional highs and lows are higher and lower, but now you know its just hormones playing tricks on you.

Or never knowing if you're overdoing it until you've done too much and then how it aches!

How getting some laundry and dishes done can actually be quite refreshing after being in bed for a week or so.

And, Hello, laundry!  How can one tiny kid make so much?

How you can think of at least 10 things to do at any given moment, but then you sit down and hold the baby some more.

Or maybe you actually zero in on and start one of those 10 things and find an hour or a day or a few days later that you never finished it.

How hard it is to remember to eat and drink--even when you're so incredibly thirsty all the time!

How a visitor can make all the difference in a day.

I think, "How will I ever survive this.  I can never do this again!"

Somehow these things all get hidden away in the vision of that joyfully expected new little bundle.

It is a good thing.  

And I've enjoyed it a little more each time. 
This time I sometimes relish those not-so-pleasant parts of the package. 
They are signs that I am in such a precious season. 

That I get to breathe deeply that wonderful smell of a new baby's head.

That I listen to the song of little uneven breaths as I sleep.

That each time he needs a new outfit I have the chance to see another way he makes such a beautiful
 picture.

We are all benefitting from the revival of our favorite lullabyes.

I get to experience just how very soft baby hair is, especially the kind on his arms and back. 

And I won't lie, even the smell of what happens in their diapers is pretty sweet.

I get to gaze into the depths of mysteriously familiar and serious eyes.

There are moments when I'm so full of love that it just takes my breath away.

I think, "I could do this forever!"

But it doesn't last forever.  And I begin to welcome the change because as he grows, I heal.

As his cheeks fill out and that faraway look in his eyes brightens to an awareness of the present, I get smiles and giggles.

His cry turns older and the real tears fall, but I start to get more rest.

When he starts to walk and talk, I start to forget.

Then I might just want to do it again!

Oh, what will his Daddy say then?

But now I've gotten ahead of myself. 

I'm in the here and now, taking the bitter with the sweet.

It is delicious.

...